One day in middle school I realized it had been a few days since I said a word to anyone. I’m not exactly sure what brought it to my attention. I think it was the depression and loneliness that brought it to my attention. I ached for companionship. Somehow it just occurred to me that I had not spoken in days. Not in school or at home. Home life was filled with arguing and yelling between Mom and her husband, so I usually just came home, went straight to my room, and ached, cried, played risk on the floor against myself, and slept. At school I attempted to talk to a counselor who stared at the computer for an hour as he asked me to wait. Eventually I left. No one was actively interested in me, and I knew it.

So, after I realized I was not speaking for long periods of time, I started making this game to see how long I could go without speaking. I would speak if required, even if it meant breaking a streak of silence, but I would not volunteer to speak. Days often went by without me saying a word, and I would come home from school and I would fall asleep with tears. This went on for years.

Years of solitude in the midst of a crowd does things to the psyche.

In my junior year in high school I lost a ton of weight. Most likely over 100 lbs. People started to show interest in me, and I was angry at some of them for it. In my mind, they had left me alone for years, and now, now that I was handsome, they wanted to introduce me to their world of popularity. I did not accept, and grew angry at the hypocrisy.

In the midst of all that though, I met a girl. Can you imagine what that was like to someone who spent years alone? The fear of losing her was unbearable. I lost her eventually, and I blame those years of solitude, and the fear. The fear drove me a little crazy such that, I had to leave or risk my sanity. That was my first, and only relationship I have had that has been in-person. That was nearly 20 years ago. Every other relationship, both friendship and romantic has been online. I still struggle with that fear.

It’s been a year now since I have had a friend even online. In a way it’s like the game I used to play in middle school. How long can I go in silence without a friend? I have actually tried a couple times and those attempts at friendship failed. I have it in my mind not to try again, and simply count the years of solitude, as I did then, as they go by.

Solitude has been my existence. The irony of my life is that I need love too much to ever have it. I need love, so I can’t have it. The void is too deep. The risk too high to waste on me. The damage to my psyche has gone too far. I am unlovable. You might like me from afar, but you cannot love me for long.

As I look into the future all I see is more of the same. I will be one of those suicide statistics. Not today. Not soon, but eventually. It pulls me toward it like a black hole. It is inevitable. I don’t know how to stop it. It is not what I imagined my life to be.

I'm hanging on the edge of nothingness. Everywhere I look all the illusions are gone. I needed those illusions. Reality is too painful.

I'm getting older. Even with all the things I'm doing to rebuild my life, it feels to late.