It has been quite some time since I was both active on the forums or in my blog (not that its much of one) but giving the new year is around the corner and the sad news of a sub-forum closing to read only I thought it was time to make a new start on here and in the real world. Despite the news about the forum I will still be using this blog as an outlet so please read with caution.

The reason for my long inactivity was as my granddad was having a lengthy battle with kidney cancer which took his life not long ago, it was a very rapid downfall and hit everyone very hard and he sadly passed away just under 2 weeks ago and was buried 2 days ago so as you can imagine things are still raw not just with myself but family to.
--
As for myself things have been going up and down throughout the year and it has been rather hard to find some level ground amongst it all and much as before my mind is still my worst enemy constantly flooding my head and not being able to stop it. Silence is bad enough but uncontrolled thoughts are the absolute worst.

Despite all that I do actually feel like I am in a much stronger position to keep myself out of the majority of harm and speaking from where I was to how I feel now this is one of many bricks in my foundation to staying strong. I still have things that need to be worked our and sorted through but its at least one hell of start and its something I can for once say I'm proud of.

I still do view loli/toddlercon from time to time along with /r34/ to take the sting off so things are perhaps not as strong and I'm not as clean as I should be but all said and done its a step in the right direction. I know looking that stuff it is doing just as much harm as it is good but for now I'd rather use it as a safety net than have nothing but a dark abyss again. I crawled out from there before and I intend on staying out of it.

Even though there are very select few in my life that 'know' and I put it like that as at times I feel they don't quite fully understand to extent of things which I suppose is not their fault although one person does not understand how hard it is to talk to them about things, what I think, feel or thoughts I have. I know they wont want to hear it who does and I just cannot get past that.

My pedophilia is one on a list of things which plagues me and to be honest while I feel safer and stronger, actual support is not a lot, aside from things I have put in place like not watching television, movies and even limiting the music I listen to. Keeping myself busy with new projects, learning new languages and gaming there is not much else. It may be slow going but its all a start right.

I expect things to be pushed and pulled but hopefully by then I can take it.

Tulula ~

I was diagnosed with PTSD after a car accident in 2010 (age 25), and was shocked when repressed memories from the past started surfacing without warning. Along with the scenes from the car accident replaying without end, images of an abusive relationship I had been in for three years started playing, a sexual assault by a boyfriend at 19 that I blocked out, a rape I had experienced at age 18 that I COMPLETELY blocked out, emotional and mental abuse from age 11 at the hand of a boyfriend of my mother's, and various bullying events I had sustained from around age 8 through 14. It was entirely overwhelming; for about two months after the accident I spent most of every day in bed, having nightmares when sleeping, waking up screaming thinking whatever I was dreaming about was happening, then having no perception of time when I was awake, being continually trapped in recurring flashbacks that seemed to last for hours when they were really just 10-15 minutes. I sustained serious lumbar spine and nerve injuries that required heavy medication (50mcg fentanyl patches every 3 days, 200mg neurontin daily for nerve pain, 10mg klonopin for panic attacks, 30-50mg oxycodone daily for breakthrough pain, 100-200 mg orphenadrine daily for muscle spasm and opiate potentiation). I could barely muster the energy to get out of bed to go to the bathroom and shower because of the pain, so I stopped eating, lost nearly 25 pounds within a few weeks (I am a 5'5" female and was an active and relatively muscle-toned 130 lbs., so I became underweight and lost a majority of my muscle tone), so coworkers I ran into once when I had to go to my office to sign some insurance paperwork started rumors I was abusing drugs due to my frail and noticeably gaunt appearance. I withdrew almost entirely from my social circle with the exception of a few friends who were so worried abouy my sudden changes they forced me to keep in contact with them. After nearly two full years of weekly psychotherapy, many hurdles, setbacks, tears, angry and violent outbursts, losing my job, and weaning off all the pain medication, I finally got my PTSD symptoms under control in 2012. During this time I was also pursuing my undergraduate degree in psychology, which obviously delayed my studies as I dealt with my illness and injuries. Since then, I have had a very exaggerated startle response that never went away (loud noises or someone approaching me from behind seriously frightens me, causing an immediate panic response). I've had difficulty with controlling or moderating anger, and sometimes respond angrily way out of proportion to the irritant or situation. Social anxiety that I always had got somewhat worse, and depression has been a nearly constant battle also. However, I was able to find a new, better job, and maintain my GPA at 3.85.

Things were going relatively smoothly until this October, where I suddenly experienced a PTSD retriggering event. I did not consciously recognize or want to acknowledge it at first, instead convincing myself that the eerily familiar feelings were just imaginations and nothing serious, until it suddenly dawned on me one day what was happening, about three weeks after the initial retrigger. I began addressing it with my psychologist and the psychiatrist I started seeing right before the retrigger for my depression that was getting out of control in the summer. It just caught me so off guard and has made me feel so powerless again. I keep thinking that no matter how far I get in time from these events, no matter how well I do, these horrible feelings are going to arise at any time and ruin my happiness. I feel that I never truly have felt happiness, and that now I may never know what it is like. It's caused me such horrible thoughts, the suicidal thoughts, the thoughts of giving up on everything, the thoughts of withdrawing into myself, the paranoia that everyone can see through me and thinks I'm pathetic and weak for not being able to just get over it....

[ Continued ]

My Fiance won't stop masturbating. We've been together for a year and a half. In that time, we've had sex at least twice a week, average. And he has been able to finish only a handful of times. I have begged him to stop. Tried to explain to him how awful I feel when I can't make him finish. Nothing works. Today, we had a big fight about it. Because he told me, yet again, he hasn't stopped. He tried to compare the fact that I cannot finish during sex to him not being able to. He makes me finish every time we attempt to have sex, it isn't vaginally but it still makes us both feel good. He was mad at me for not having the ability to finish while he is inside me. Something I can't help, something out of my control. He thinks that is the same despite the fact that this wouldn't even be an issue if he would just stop masturbating. Claims that if I can't, its okay that he doesn't even though it makes me feel awful knowing he is just going to do it later. We are getting married, planning our life together. What if we can't have children because we can't have sex? What if we end up resenting each other because of this? Am I wrong or crazy to think that something has to be done?

Thank you for your time
I am currently a male upperclassmen in high school. My grades are... For lack of a more accurate word bad, I have about a 2.0 cumulative. I used to want to be a 2d animator you know like cartoons. When I think about it that goal it is as far as can be from my reach. About a year and 4 months ago I saw this girl who is now the only thing I think about, I talk to her In very small conversations daily, she is the only reason I even want to go to school when I'm in class I zone out and just think about her I would do anything, everything, and more to make her smile. I go home from school too depressed that I'm not more to her than just someone to talk to for ten-twenty minutes and forget my homework and just think about her, cry for a few hours. Then my mother gets home and it's time for me to fake a smile and make sure she never worries about me. I usually talk to friends on skype which surprisingly takes my mind off of her a little bit, then nighttime comes and I'm back in bed crying,shaking, tired but too scared of how bad my depression may get if I don't keep working for her I've even caught myself whispering her name and talking about how much I love her when I'm in this state. So I'm trapped in this cycle, I ignore school and think of her then I remember she's the one and only thing I would ever work for and my grades just keep dropping. The one funny thing, nobody knows I have this problem, I seem so mentally stable, and I have plenty of friends, I'm only lonely because i avoid talking to people sometimes so I can just lay in bed and think about her. I had brought this problem to a different site and I was banned within a day (I must've swore or something) and I felt like nobody could help me, i have 3 ways I think of my life going, either I end up with this girl that I would be as loyal as a dog too, I somehow manage to pursue my dream of being an animator, or I don't end up with her and my depression takes over, and It scares me so much. Please just give me feedback, I need this help I feel empty.

Hello I'm a teen boy and I'm having a real tough time I'm not 100% sure I have OCD but when I was younger I would always have thoughts of dying and got really scared and frightened of it and also stuff in my room I liked it to be in order also my dad had OCD symptoms when he was younger like if he felt a certain way he would walk on the white lines on a road so he'd fell better and stuff like that so since I was young boy I can remember I was always into girls I fantasised and felt emotionally and sexually attracted to them and there was no thought that crossed my mind I was gay I remember going to a leisure center with my mum at around 7 or 8 and I would get changed in to woman's (because i was to young to be by myself) I always found myself looking at the women and liked it when I saw them naked but when I was 9 I had to get changed in the male part and felt uncomfortable as they were all naked so Back to my story I started masterbating at a young age (around 9) and it would be over like nude chat shows on tv and stuff like that once I found porn I couldn't stop masterbating over straight and lesbian porn once I entered secoundry school I had a massive crush on this girl and couldn't stop thinking about her I also remember being very jealous when she got a boyfriend it all started when I entered year 9 a girl had asked me out (I had liked her) and I did but I was extremely shy around her in school and so I felt so shy around her I broke up with her and then she tiled a lot of people the reason why dumped her was because I was gay this made my life hell I lost so many mates but got over it .then after a while I started to question If I really was gay ? I started to test myself by watching gay porn which didn't arouse me (even when I tried to masterbate and it made me start to gag) then I'd watch lesbian porn and be aroused this would stop me obsessing for a while but it came back and my mind is saying that I didn't try tow masterbate to gay porn because you like it really so I started looking and asking on yahoo awnsers they all gave me awnsers like your probably gay/bi this made me doubt myself even more this is making me stressed and I hardly go out on the weekends incase I see a man and have sexual thoughts i try to have gay thoughts but they don't feel rightI'm also having grounal responses why is this happening ! I don't want to be with a man also I've been having gay dreams and these dreams I'm literally checking if I'm aroused like in my dream but I believe I'm in love with a girl at the moment ? Also I'm constantly looking at myself to see if I look gay also when I see someone and there looking at me while talking to someone I automatically think that they think I'm gay I am also worried that girls think I'm gay when I started doubting my sexuality I thought I was gay bit now I think I'm bisexual and now my mind is saying that I'm thinking that because it's true also when I look into my past and see one part that seems homosexual it will cause a spike and cause me to panic is there a reason why I'm like this ? I play rugby and when I've made contact with males I don't feel aroused but my minds telling me I am I have also seen my friends penises before and not been aroused and just laughed what shall I do ? I don't know how much I can take of this it's everyday and I feel I have to keep checking If I'm aroused is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life am I in denial ? I just hate these thoughts I also remember when I was about nine that my cousin would sit on my lap but I pretended it was a girl and now mind keeps focusing on that and won't go Please someone tell me what's wrong I also look at myself in the mirror and and see if I look gay or have a gay voice or if I give off a gay vibe