Hello, I'm a cutter...

Why do I cut? What turned me into a self hater who scars his body and often wants to die?

I'm a 44 year old man who has seen his world fall apart two years ago. I was seriously injured on the job to the point of full disability. I can no longer do the job I lived to do, which was Police work. Add to that the fact that I suffer horrific pain everyday due to my back injury. I have crushed a total of 9 discs in my upper, middle and lower back and have to use a cane to walk.

Not only do I have permanent nerve damage, but as a result I lost function of my bladder and need to urinate with a catheter and a leg bag. I have had several surgeries to include a two level cervical fusion, an interstim implant for my bladder and a Morphine drug pump implant. Despite these surgeries, the Morphine pump and oral pain meds I am still in a great deal of pain all day and night; awake and sleeping. I still have a few more surgeries I must endure in the next year. This physical pain alone is one reason why I cut myself.

Since I don't have any control of the constant pain related to my back injury I at least have control over the pain I endure when I cut myself. I don't scratch myself...when I cut I cut deep and I have scars over 70% of my body. I often cut out of anger or frustration, because I lost my passion for life when I lost my career as a Police Officer. It's extremely difficult to go from being physically able to chase bad guys, make arrests and help others to someone who can barely walk and is in constant pain.

Over the past two years I have gone from a mentally confident and competent person to a mental basket case. Now I must say that prior to my career ending injury I suffered from PTSD and bouts of depression related to my Police experiences while employed by NYPD during 9-11 and survivor's guilt. Also, growing up I would from time to time cut myself. Oh yeah and when I was 13 years old I slit my wrist and OD on medication in an attempt to end my life. It was really tough covering up the huge ass scar on my wrist, especially while applying for work as a Police Officer. I don't regret the scar, I regret the fact that I lived. Looking back I guess there have been many times where I was in harms way and could of, should have died, but didn't. This happened more often of course during my Ten years of Police work. Looking back now I can honestly say that I wanted to be a Police Officer so I could die. Had you asked me while I was still working as a Police Officer I would have said it was so I could help people and save lives.

Anyways, I now suffer from a whole host of mental disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and a couple of other disorders that escape me at this time. I'm taking a handful of medication daily in the hopes of controlling my mental and physical pain.

It's not working, I can't sleep and the urges to cut keep getting stronger. I also envision me cutting my own throat with a knife. I can be sitting on the couch watching a TV show and out of no where I see it...I see the knife in my hand held to my throat. I wonder, is this how I am supposed to die? I always hoped it would be via lead poison ( aka a bullet). No matter, I keep cutting and my wife sees the cuts and scars and naturally freaks out. I'm putting her through hell and that just adds to my anxiety and frustration that often boils over and results in even more cutting! I wish I could post pictures so you can see my scars and know that this is for real. I'm living a nightmare and I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak. Two years ago I was a decent role model for other Officers and the community I lived to protect and serve. Now...now I am suicidal and spend most of my time at home, in pain and alone.

The urges are becoming too great and I'm fast losing any control. My cuts are becoming deeper and deeper. How can I cut out the ugly side of me when...

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Hello all, I'm new here.
My sister gave birth and had really bad Postpartum Depression and she was already diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before hand. I have raised my nephew since he was born. She has a boyfriend, a little over a year now, and has recently moved to a different town. About 2 hours from where I live. I barely get to see him anyways because I have a very demanding job.
I had him over the summer for a week. He told me some information, and with my job I am a mandatory reporter (with a reporting number), and I ended up calling CPS on her. I went up at the beginning of December to see him for his birthday and give him his birthday gift.
She allowed me to see him for about an hour. After that she asked to talk when he was asleep. She asked why I had called CPS, I told her the circumstances, what was said to me, and the face that I'm a mandatory reporter. She told me "I'm your sister, you should have confronted me first." I again tried to explain to her if I don't report child abuse, I could not only go to jail but lose my licenses. She will probably never understand, but now she will not "ever" let me see him again.
I miss my nephew terribly. I hate that she has her thumb on him, and all control over him. Also, I fear for his safety around her boyfriend. I expressed this to CPS as well. The outcome was that they did a wellness check. They said, until they see bruises or broken bones they really can't do anything.
Recently, 8 years old now, they have been leaving him home alone. Unfortunately in Arizona there is no legal age at which you can leave a child home alone. But, if something happens to the child it is considered child neglect.
....... Ugh..... Stressful situation

Hello dear reader, I've recently discovered my disorders and wrote something a while ago in a blog. Sorry if it's too long but I can't really divide it into part, you may find it very boring but I want to thank you to whoever read the whole thing or even just looked at!

Introduction, burning iceberg/frozen flame
I’m not very good at writing; in fact I suck pretty much at everything.

I think of myself as a walking bag of issues. I’m a highly sensitive person, I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, I have little bit of OCD and ADD and I often think that I’m bipolar.

I understand that everybody goes through some kind of stress in their lives and that other people might have bigger problems than me…honestly I don’t give a ###$, ###$ those people! ###$ people who judge ( I do that sometimes too but then I get punished at night by my over thinking habit), ###$ people who pretend to be nice, ###$ overconfident people, ###$ people who are shy, ###$ people that like politics, ###$ people that are into religion now that I think of it, ###$ everybody! Myself included!!

I’m sorry I didn’t meant to offend anyone (maybe I did), so I have extreme mood swings(as you’ve already noticed), sometimes I wanna meet people but most of the times I hate people. It’s probably because of my social anxiety, every time I’m in public I feel like everybody’s staring at me, I always thought it was some teenage stuff and that it would eventually subside but it never truly did, in fact sometimes I feel like it’s gotten worse. Each pair of eyes feels like a burn and I start sweating and panicking and I keep telling myself “oh god why are people staring at me? Is it because I’m overweight? (at a time I was but even after I lost weight I felt the same way) is my hair messed up?” Sometimes I do feel ok when I’m in public, most of the time it’s when I’m drunk or in an extremely good mood, unfortunately both don’t last very long and don’t happen very often and sometimes are mutually exclusive.

I feel like I’m the ugliest person in the world, the most weird too but at the same time I realize that I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special at all. Other times I label myself very special because I’m pathetic and I want that pity but there’s just no one in my world that would ######6 understand me so I only have myself, which is just not enough but sometimes can be overwhelming. My biggest fear and my biggest enemy are both- myself. I tend to over think stuff, stuff that other healthy normal people don’t even care about, don’t notice. I like to analyze my day right before going to sleep, every ######6 time. Every time before going to sleep my brain’s like “Oh you wanna rest? ###$ that! Let’s go through all the ###$ up $#%^ that happened today. The mean stuff people said to you or you said to them. The stupid awkward situations you put yourself or others to, about how it’s gonna haunt you for a couple of years until you do something more ###$ up, which is gonna happen pretty soon by the way.

I always feel lonely and sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend, actually every guy wants that…but then I remember what it’s like for me to be in a relationship with someone. It’s ######6 hell, both for me and for the unluckiest girl in the world who agreed to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I’m in a relationship (which is SUPER rare now) I tend to idealize (or even idolize) my partner and I cling very tightly to that person. Thinking she can understand me, support me and just always be there (which is literally ALWAYS) and of course eventually I get disappointed, always. Because I’m a selfish bastard, the very kind of people that I hate. It is part of the curse of having the borderline personality disorder, no one will ever be good enough for you and you’re never gonna be good enough for anyone as well. When people I’m really attached to stop messaging me or talking to me for whatever reasons (busy, not in the mood) I instantly take it the wrong wa...

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Is it abonormal that whenever I gain interest in a certain show or game that all of a sudden I drop literally all my other interests and focus mainly on one character in that series/game. It gets so bad that I'll actually imagine myself being in a relationship with them and also adopt most of not all of their traits and pretend I've always acted like that when in reality I was different before hand. But then again that could've been another character. I've been doing this for near 10 years so I don't even know who I am anymore. It's frustrating and I'm honestly concerned as it's nearly ended friendships in the past. In order to stop it, I've tryed asking myself am I doing this as me or as the character. This has proved unsuccessful as it just makes me paranoid that I'm being a character when I do something the same way I'd imagine the character doing something. It could be the most mundane task ever and I'll still be paranoid that I'm not me but someone else.

I looked up the symptoms for both and the hypochondriac in me thinks I've got every disorder and disease on the planet..


I know something is up with me because I'm so different from the people who surround me. I'm so sensitive to everything and everyone and I feel things so deeply and intensely. And so quickly. I'm quite moody, especially as of late, and I'm very irritable. I chalked it up to the recent passing of my mother (about a month and a half ago), but it's still weird. I hate the people closest to me sometimes. Not my friends, not strangers, not acquaintances.. Only my absolute best friends, those who are truly close to me and those I truly love and care for.. I genuinely hate them at certain points. Just everything about their existence and I want to cut them out of my life sometimes. All for no reason. I'll also feel bursts of love and appreciation for them, all of which are phases and pass.

I initially thought bipolar disorder because of the intense mood swings, but they happen so frequently; definitely not a week or longer. If I felt any single emotion for a week or longer, I would probably lose my mind. My moods change daily, but for the most part, I've got a pretty decent disposition. I'm usually really content. Ever since the lost of my mother, though, I never really know what I'm going to get when I wake up. Some days are good.. Some days, however, aren't so good.


I know someone who suffers from bipolar disorder and I don't see many similarities. When she's up, she's up. She contacts all of her friends and is there for them, helping them with whatever she can, making all these plans and just seems personable. When she's down, she ignores everyone and doesn't care if you need anything from her, even just some of her time to vent to her. She becomes very selfish and cold and distant for quite a few days, if not weeks at a time.

I'm not like that. I'm always there for my friends. Sometimes I don't answer because I'm busy or I forget to respond, or just have nothing to say or don't feel like talking to you, but I don't drop off the face of the earth or anything like that. And I only really take out my mood swings on those closest to me by just being irritable and touchy. I also read about "manic states", which I don't believe that I have any. There aren't specific times that I'll be more likely to spend money, or engage in destructive behavior, or drink/consume substances.. I drink on occasions, I don't partake in any drug usage (other than my weekly vitamin D pills lol), and I've always spent money in the same patterns. No peaks or valleys.


I'm sorry for writing so much, I just wanted to address everything that I could think of.. I don't have insurance so I can't see a professional any time soon.. And I certainly can't afford paying out of pocket.. I financially support myself now that my mom's passed and I'm still in college. I understand you guys can't actually diagnose me correctly but whatever thoughts you have, feel free to share.. Maybe you went through similar things? Or maybe this is just normal for human beings? Dunno. Thanks ahead of time.