I've recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder(Depressive type) after 3 years of hell. Its hit me hard as i always thought things would turn out better , if you get me. Ive had bad days alot. And some good days. Im on medication , abilfy 15mg , fluxotine 30mg a day and i feel that it just works for a bit then stops. In the past i had taken seroquel which didnt work at all and risperidone which did work but i had bad side effects and had to change drug. Its doing my head in. I just want to get better ! I wish there was a mircle drug or something , something that would take the voices away. The voices are loud and agressive, they tell me to do things that i shouldnt do. Things got so bad i was admitted to a mental health unit for 3 months. I was in a safe place but i got no help with coping and my medication was removed in the process which added insult to injury.

I feel very alone as i have no one to talk to who has the same diagnoses as me, understands me, or understands what i am going through.
I would like to be able to use this forum to meet people who are similarly affected and able to understand and offer support as id like to do the same.

OK. so first of all my name is Phil and i am 17 years old and a few months ago i have had the fear of becoming gay. I am a very anxious person and have always worried about things ever since i was about 5. for example, i would worry that i would go deaf, blind, have a heart condition etc. Every time i get over a fear and stop worrying a new worry comes to my mind maybe a few weeks later. my longest fear was that i had a retinal detachment because i saw floaters in my vision which were completely normal. i went to the doctors 3 times in 2 years. they scanned my eyes and did the best eye exam i ever experienced but afterwards i would always convince myself that there was still something wrong. i would always check and squint to see these things floating in my vision to the point i would feel sick and have panic attacks. when i was 11, i also felt a pain in my eye 24/7 and it got me really worried. but 1 month later when i went to the doctors and they said everything was OK, i never felt it again. it is clear to me that this was pain that i was causing by thinking!
now to the HOCD. A few months ago, i had this dream that i was watching 2 men kissing eachother. i felt no pleasure in the dream whatsoever. i then woke up sweating and panicking, disgusted by this dream. this was always in the back of my mind for 1 month until i really started to think about it. i was forcing these gay thoughts on myself to see if i would get aroused. it didnt at first but i was thinking about not getting an erection so bad that it increased in size a tiny bit and i had a panic attack. it didnt feel like an erection i would get though that i would get when i think of something nice like girls. Before all this, i had never had a gay thought and i actually used to think about gay stuff to make my erection go down when i had an unwanted one when i was in school last year:) I have always loved girls ever since i can remember and and i know deep down that I am not gay and this is just a worry like my other OCD problems in the past. I always look for attention from girls when i am shopping for example. i am apparently a cute/attractive guy and i love it when i know girls are checking me out. today i saw this girl and i would walk around her on purpose so she would see me because i knew she was checking me out and i just love that tingly feeling. But then i thought "what if i am just imagining this attraction" and gay images came into my head and i started to worry again. I have never checked out guys in my life until this HOCD kicked in. As soon as i see a good looking man, i just look and fear that i am attracted to him which i know im not but i just wait for ages for some feeling to make myslef worry even more. I cant control it.
However, when i am totally relaxed and haven't thought about gay things all day and then think about it, it doesnt do anything to me. i dont worry and i dont feel disgusted. but the more i think and think i find it hard to breathe and get this weird feeling. yesterday when i was really relaxed, i had an erection and went on gay porn to check if this is just my mind and my erection went down so fast.
This HOCD was much worse than it is now but it keeps coming and going and i want it to stop because it is really ridiculous but i cant control it whatsoever and it is ruining my life. it is as if i am like possessed and there is another person inside me making me worry.
please help me. i dont know how to stop it. i have had so many OCD problems in the past but this is really the worst one.
thanks for reading!

Is it Possible? YES

So what is it that is possible? Right to the point. What I am saying is possible is that the deep amount of sadness and depression you are presently in can be changed. Not in 10 weeks but in 10 minutes. Sure , right, this person is way out of their mind and I am not going to keep reading is what your saying. STOP. Keep reading, I did not say eliminated in 10 minutes but changed. After the ten 10 minutes you are on a road to wellness and in that same day you will start to experience major changes throughout your body and mind. Yeah right. I would not write this if I have not experienced it myself for one full week.( referring to number 2, breathing and exercise )Do I know the pain of depression? To the deepest levels imaginable. Not only in the mind but the body. Imagine taking a 10 inch giant cutting knife to your chest everyday for a full month and for every second of the day you are seeing yourself killing yourself. Maybe you don't have to imagine but at least now know your reading thoughts of someone who knows your pain. Spending years in agony and torture with only one thing driving me. A higher cause or purpose higher then myself( which can be a loved one, animals included, helping people , etc) So all that I can do now is share what I have learned. Since we live in an age of instant information I will write down ten of the most important factors for change to take place.

1)Desire to take action to make the change and giving up any habit of fear and doubt. Meaning just give something a try and see what happens. You hear this a lot but it is absolutely true. Once you commit, something will happen that breaks a pattern or a state your in that you don't want to be in.
2) Using your body and breath to instantly make an impact on your present state( exercise, walk run, jumping jacks, weight lifting, push ups,etc) this can help with anxiety as well. What I am relearning is what a deeper impact the use of my body and breath then me trying to think myself out of something. Even completely changing my posture can cause something positive to happen. Cant walk or run? Try standing or sitting and lift your arms and move them like your rowing a boat.( both arms at the same time) Breath in through the mouth while pulling and breath out while your releasing. Try this at first for 7 to 10 times and see what happens. You will get energy. Throughout the body and mind. Do it again if you can or until you get to that state. If it doesn't happen after two attempts , stop,it will effect you within an hour. Breathing is key . Your a smoker? Try it anyway. It will be a great way to start valuing your breath. Need to relax? Breath in through the nostrils, hold a few seconds then exhale deeply. This I would not overdue , maybe two times, because you need to get used to it and it is very powerful. Take it from someone who doubted this for a long time but then tried it. It works. It gives you the charge your going to need to fight the bad condition your in. The rowing , breathing exercise can be done as much as you want. The nostril breathing takes some building up to. Stretching for a minute or two is excellent as well. Want to wake up and feel better instantly? Try some cold water and rub it over your face a few times, even try rubbing it over your upper body for a minute. Try warm water for relaxing. About exercise , if you have not done it for a long while, just do it for a very short time. Eventually you will be able to work up to more intensity. Remember BREATHE.
3) When your thinking is bad get into someone elses thoughts that are much better and positive and uplifting( book, music, you tube etc)
4) Its often said that fear is the main reason that holds people back from making a change or taking action. As true as it is, its doubt that holds us back just as much if not more. Please stop doubting and start trying.
5) Think of three options( you might think of more) that you have to break the...

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the root of all evil is not money. it is not greed, or any other “sin”. it is the perversion of perception. it is to separate “good” and “evil” to begin with. “light” and “dark”; “creation” and “destruction”; “feminine” and “masculine”: those who have been taught there is a line between the two, cannot understand either. it is a product of the imagination even to say that “1″ is separate from “zero”. physicists have done well to prove this, as they have followed their numbers into realms where all of their equations fall apart. into delusion, where they ought be sent. man cannot gain understanding by dividing his reality into smaller and smaller pieces. exactly the opposite, his field of view has been reduced. this story is told by the history of language itself. where once he had many symbols for the infinite and the large, he now has many symbols for the small and the finite. the zoroastrians, for example, had 101 names for “god”, all bearing a different meaning. the earliest symbols appealed to the holistic nature of man’s mind, which saw the giants of the cosmos. today’s symbols appeal to the fragmented nature of man’s mind, which is drawn to think of the “atoms” and “molecules” and the even smaller things. the children of today are made anxious just to think of the vastness of the void, because they can no longer fathom it.

Angry, too, need the rules. If you would like to express their outrage, we must carefully choose the words and expressions that you are going to use it. Words can inflict a very strong emotional wound. Always remember that. And even in anger. Even if you are very angry, you should try to remain calm. Then you will be easier to formulate their claims. Do not focus on the process itself. Do not forget in the heat of anger, what you're angry, why are you angry, what goals you want to achieve, expressing their outrage.
You must also show that you are not satisfied with the personality of man, and his specific act or situation, in which he has put you. You should not insult the man. No need to remember all his faults, which are not relevant to the subject of your anger. Moreover, it is impossible to point to some external features of the man.
It is not advisable to show anger towards his boss. You do not reach the wrath of their goals. But you can lose a job.
If you are the boss, then you can afford to be angry at his negligent subordinates. But it is necessary to comply with all regulations. We must not go beyond appearances.
Anger can have different degrees. But the highest degree of your anger should be used very rarely.