I am a victim of sexual abuse. Most of my previous posts were usually pretty short and very vague about my situation. They were mainly used for ranting, so I didn't expect anyone to read them. Then, I began to realize from being on this website, that this would be a safe enviornment to talk about things. So, here it goes; I am a teen girl, who began getting sexually abused by my step brother in the seventh grade. It went on for two years, until I finally told my mom, which she refused to do any thing, because she didn't want to leave her boyfriend. I am now living with my Dad, and my mom and her boyfriend are now married. The last couple years have been a huge roller coaster of events, from my maternal grandmother dying, my Dad getting custody over me, my little sister getting beaten by my mom, and me finding the two things that I have eternally fallen in love with; Zachary and roller derby. I want my junior year to be the mark of my synapse. I know I still have a long way to go, and I will still have troubles ahead, but this time, I will fight.

I'm in a long distance relationship for 8 months but we've known each other for 3 years. Recently my BF told me that he is confused about the relationship and he's not sure he wants to be in one. Everything was going very well. I would go visit him and he'd visit me. We talked everyday, texted all the time & Skype. He'd tell me he loved me all the time & that he missed me (when we were apart). Memorial Day weekend we went camping with friends of his and we had a good time. I came home and about 3 weeks after he went MIA. He was distant. Out of the blue on Wednesday he tells me he's not sure he wants a relationship or be in one. He still wants to talk. I started searching anxiety online and found there's a thing called relationship anxiety. He does suffer from anxiety. When I read the symptoms of this type of anxiety it fit him perfectly. My question is how do I handle the situation, how can I help him? Or should I let him be so he can decide wether or not he does want to be with me. I love this guy to death so I'm crushed about this. It's hard to let go.

What am i if I like watching a black man have not just my gf, but want to watch black men with anypetite white female, but lately my fantasies have been about watching big black men with young white girls that are 7-10. This is a uncommon fetish. Some one tell me what this would be called. If I had a label I could get help of understanding why I have this fantasy and try to control it. Don't like it because I have Shane a guilty feelings after I masterbate.

Hello,

Well for starters I wanted to say that I'm a Seventeen year old girl who has recently been diagnosed with GAD. I have always feared a lot, and would always obsess over a certain thing/thought. I never really thought much of it, but now that I look back, it all makes sense. When I was around Seven years old, my older brother had came home from school one day and told me about germs, he explains how they were all around us. I quickly became obsessed with the thought that I would catch all these germs and catch a deadly illness and die. Every time I touched anything or anyone touched my hand, I would run to the bathroom and wash my hands. I was washing my hands up to 15 times a day and I didn't want to touch anything at all... Well like I said, I never thought much about that.. Until recently during summer break I had nothing better to do, other than watch TV, and everything I saw had to do with murders and people going insane. Well I saw this episode on a Hispanic show about a lady who had some type of Multiple personality disorder, who ended up killing her boss. She took medication for her disorder, but that day she forgot to take it. She didn't realize she had killed her, until the memory of her kept haunting her. She would see her everywhere, and she would speak to her telling her "You did it, you killed me" much later she got the clue that she had committed that murder. Well I quickly became obsessed with the thought of me going insane or sleep walking and doing such thing. I actually started putting things against my door so if I did sleep walk, I wouldn't be able to get through. The thing is there hasn't been a time where I have slept walked. The thoughts used to be much worse, but I've been seeing a therapist since the moment I realized I had a problem, and I've been feeling much better. There's days where I feel completely fine and happy and then there's those other days where I completely panic and feel like my world is falling apart. I would much rather kill myself than to ever hurt anyone in anyway. The thought of doing such thing causes me so much emotional pain, because I know that I wouldn't hurt anyone. Sometimes I cant help but feel so hurt and upset with myself because of those thoughts, that I just want to end my life. I try to talk to the people who I love about this and try to explain it to them, but they don't really seem to understand. They say "Oh everyone has those types of thoughts, just get over it" although, everyone might have those types of thoughts, I cant seem to just "get over it". I basically want to know, is there hope for me? How many others can relate to the way I'm feeling?

OK. so first of all my name is Phil and i am 17 years old and a few months ago i have had the fear of becoming gay. I am a very anxious person and have always worried about things ever since i was about 5. for example, i would worry that i would go deaf, blind, have a heart condition etc. Every time i get over a fear and stop worrying a new worry comes to my mind maybe a few weeks later. my longest fear was that i had a retinal detachment because i saw floaters in my vision which were completely normal. i went to the doctors 3 times in 2 years. they scanned my eyes and did the best eye exam i ever experienced but afterwards i would always convince myself that there was still something wrong. i would always check and squint to see these things floating in my vision to the point i would feel sick and have panic attacks. when i was 11, i also felt a pain in my eye 24/7 and it got me really worried. but 1 month later when i went to the doctors and they said everything was OK, i never felt it again. it is clear to me that this was pain that i was causing by thinking!
now to the HOCD. A few months ago, i had this dream that i was watching 2 men kissing eachother. i felt no pleasure in the dream whatsoever. i then woke up sweating and panicking, disgusted by this dream. this was always in the back of my mind for 1 month until i really started to think about it. i was forcing these gay thoughts on myself to see if i would get aroused. it didnt at first but i was thinking about not getting an erection so bad that it increased in size a tiny bit and i had a panic attack. it didnt feel like an erection i would get though that i would get when i think of something nice like girls. Before all this, i had never had a gay thought and i actually used to think about gay stuff to make my erection go down when i had an unwanted one when i was in school last year:) I have always loved girls ever since i can remember and and i know deep down that I am not gay and this is just a worry like my other OCD problems in the past. I always look for attention from girls when i am shopping for example. i am apparently a cute/attractive guy and i love it when i know girls are checking me out. today i saw this girl and i would walk around her on purpose so she would see me because i knew she was checking me out and i just love that tingly feeling. But then i thought "what if i am just imagining this attraction" and gay images came into my head and i started to worry again. I have never checked out guys in my life until this HOCD kicked in. As soon as i see a good looking man, i just look and fear that i am attracted to him which i know im not but i just wait for ages for some feeling to make myslef worry even more. I cant control it.
However, when i am totally relaxed and haven't thought about gay things all day and then think about it, it doesnt do anything to me. i dont worry and i dont feel disgusted. but the more i think and think i find it hard to breathe and get this weird feeling. yesterday when i was really relaxed, i had an erection and went on gay porn to check if this is just my mind and my erection went down so fast.
This HOCD was much worse than it is now but it keeps coming and going and i want it to stop because it is really ridiculous but i cant control it whatsoever and it is ruining my life. it is as if i am like possessed and there is another person inside me making me worry.
please help me. i dont know how to stop it. i have had so many OCD problems in the past but this is really the worst one.
thanks for reading!