It has been quite some time since I was both active on the forums or in my blog (not that its much of one) but giving the new year is around the corner and the sad news of a sub-forum closing to read only I thought it was time to make a new start on here and in the real world. Despite the news about the forum I will still be using this blog as an outlet so please read with caution.

The reason for my long inactivity was as my granddad was having a lengthy battle with kidney cancer which took his life not long ago, it was a very rapid downfall and hit everyone very hard and he sadly passed away just under 2 weeks ago and was buried 2 days ago so as you can imagine things are still raw not just with myself but family to.
--
As for myself things have been going up and down throughout the year and it has been rather hard to find some level ground amongst it all and much as before my mind is still my worst enemy constantly flooding my head and not being able to stop it. Silence is bad enough but uncontrolled thoughts are the absolute worst.

Despite all that I do actually feel like I am in a much stronger position to keep myself out of the majority of harm and speaking from where I was to how I feel now this is one of many bricks in my foundation to staying strong. I still have things that need to be worked our and sorted through but its at least one hell of start and its something I can for once say I'm proud of.

I still do view loli/toddlercon from time to time along with /r34/ to take the sting off so things are perhaps not as strong and I'm not as clean as I should be but all said and done its a step in the right direction. I know looking that stuff it is doing just as much harm as it is good but for now I'd rather use it as a safety net than have nothing but a dark abyss again. I crawled out from there before and I intend on staying out of it.

Even though there are very select few in my life that 'know' and I put it like that as at times I feel they don't quite fully understand to extent of things which I suppose is not their fault although one person does not understand how hard it is to talk to them about things, what I think, feel or thoughts I have. I know they wont want to hear it who does and I just cannot get past that.

My pedophilia is one on a list of things which plagues me and to be honest while I feel safer and stronger, actual support is not a lot, aside from things I have put in place like not watching television, movies and even limiting the music I listen to. Keeping myself busy with new projects, learning new languages and gaming there is not much else. It may be slow going but its all a start right.

I expect things to be pushed and pulled but hopefully by then I can take it.

Tulula ~

Recently I was at a party where many people were intoxicated, myself included. There was a lot of dancing and girls grinding on guys and groping and whatever else happens on a dance floor probably happened here. While at this party I talked to a lot of people and remember every detail I just didn't have the proper control of myself as I was heavily intoxicated. Nearing the end of the night I was approached by a boy who somehow knew me although I wasn't sure who he was. I walked away but he was insistent to talk. He pulled me closer to him and kissed me. We made out and everything was fine. Now, at this party people were staying in tents or their cars on the property and I had a tent with my friend. This guy that I was with asked me if I had a tent and I said yes, he took that as an invite and said "that beats sleeping on the floor". I wasn't 100% comfortable with him coming back with me but, I am the type that has a hard time saying no when someone says they'll be sleeping outside or whatever else. So he followed me back to my tent and I warned my friend before he came in. I was quite tired as it was very late and I was ready to go to bed but this guy was grabbing me and kissing my neck and wouldn't stop. I would push his hands away and he would tell me to "stop" or "just let it happen". Although, I continued to ask him to stop he continued until i sat up and said he needed to stop. At that point he got angry and told me that I was being a tease and i needed to "get him off" before he could go to bed. I said I just wanted to sleep and was feeling quite emotional, he was about to leave when i started to cry, as I was just yelled at when I didn't want to have sex with him. He told me it was fine and we would just cuddle and sleep. When we were back under my blanket he started at it again and i continued to tell him to stop as i still wasn't wanting to have sex with him and he started getting angry again. He was kissing me and had his hand wrapped around my neck. I was afraid of his anger as i didn't know him nor what he was capable of and i didn't want him to wake people so i complied and told him that we could have sex. About half way through i started crying and he told me if i was loud he would choke me harder so i sat there and let him do what he wanted.

I complied and told him it was okay for him to do what he did although the multiple times i said no and i felt pressured into this situation. It continues to haunt my dreams and I don't feel like myself anymore. But, was it rape...

I am a 19 year old girl and I have this male character about my age in my head, he has a name and characteristics and personality and everything already thought out for him. He's not alone, he has a bunch of friends...also in my head. I switch mainly between him and me, his friends are all just there for some reason.

When I was in middle school I was bullied and alone so I started "creating friends" to entertain me during lunches...now, everytime I find myself feeling lonely, they're automatically there. Sometimes they're there when I'm hanging out with other (real) people but that doesn't happen too often.

I started out thinking I have DID but now I'm confused, I can tell him to leave and he will but then he comes back again. It's mostly him talking to me and giving me advice and helping me but sometimes I actually become him and I end up just sitting on my sofa, staring at the wall, or walking around my room living in this imaginary world in my head. Sometimes I end up making faces or using body language without realizing that I am. Sometimes when something happens to me (when I am him) that saddens "him", I physically cry. Or I can feel pain (I don't know how to explain that).

I often find myself isolating myself from friends and family just to be him in that world.

I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this? What is this? I can't seem to put a word on it. Also, I have no idea why I'm suddenly identifying with a male...

I haven't seen any posts similar to this so if someone experiences this I would be really glad if they could share cause I am so confused all the time.



- Penny

Hi,

So I would like to know what you think, I have been lucky enough to see a therapist for three months in an organisation that provides free counselling. She has really helped me and I want to thank her with maybe a card and or a box of chocolates but I don't know if it is appropriate.
I think it is because the service was free so she has been giving her free time to help me and I have seen cards in her office, would a small box of chocolates at the end of our last session be appropriate ?

Thank you for your advice

I am 27 and have lived with cutting for most of my life lately I have put quite a lot of thought into when in started or why I started. I think back and remembered cutting at 11 years old why I did it not a clue could have got in trouble or something but it was a *mod edit* razer yet its been months scents I have shopped for the in boulck there still around. its been 16 years I have been cutting....

Today day and time 20th:
Its been hard lately I know what I do is far from OK good or safe
A key that keeps me going to deep or bleed for to long is the thought of tears on my sisters face.
I'm do to have a son in two months.
Her head games to help this time I'm going through.
Its been three days every night shower on blade out cut *mod edit* times upper arm tell my heart slows to a mild beat a twitch here a twitch there I fill like I'm taking to far waking up or fading out in a tub of my sin filled blood

Not really sure why I'm writing all I know is I'm lost only wish I can cry it out ....