I saw that people on this website are able to have a blog, and I took that opportunity. Though I may not have much experience with blogging--besides having a tumblr account--I love to write. Amd I'd like to document everything that happens to me.

My name is Maggie. I'm an 18 year old caucasian (biological) female. I do prefer male pronouns, but not many people acknowledge that.

Thus far, my significant other (Autumn) and I have met two alters. The most prominent alter's name is Reiner. To my embarrassment, he is a character from the anime "Attack on Titan". Reiner Braun is a rather tall, muscular blonde boy. If you want more information on the character, check the anime's wiki.

He is friendly most of the time, but he can be pretty aggressive or sad or angry or confused or frustrated... He's an alter. He's a person... Kind of. I like to think that he is his own person.

Strangely enough, I've spoken to him, before. A few nights ago, I switched to Reiner mode. Autumn told me that he was freaking out and panicking and speaking in German. (For the record, I only know how to say a few things in German.) Somehow, in the midst of his anxiety attack, my mind showed up. I felt as if he was sitting directly next to me... And I started speaking to him (in English). After a while of using Google Translate and trying to calm him down, he began speaking in English, again. Reiner was talking to Autumn and me about what was bothering him, why he was so afraid... This experience was one of the weirdest and scariest things I've ever been through.

(TRIGGER WARNING BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I've been raped, molested, and I found my mother dead. This felt equal to all of those things. Maybe it shouldn't have been up that high, but it definitely was.

(TRIGGER WARNING IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The past few days and nights, I've been able to speak to him. The three of us--Reiner, Autumn, and myself--have a pretty good relationship. For some reason, though, last night, I completely forgot about everything. I forgot the progress we had made by somehow getting my two personalities to interact... Everything. After Autumn tried to remind me for half an hour, I remembered everything. And I'm glad.

My other alter, we found, is a 28 year old woman named Scarlette. She is, apparently, a kindergarten teacher. Autumn really hates her and claims that Scarlette is a b****. "She's one of those women who believe themselves to be 'cool' and 'one with the teens'." I don't exactly blame Autumn for disliking Scarlette. We don't know much else about this alter, besides the fact that she likes pigs and the color teal.

Thank you so much for reading... If you have anything to say or ask, please do so!

If you wanted to email me, my email is tamakisrose@gmail.com . Thank you!

I love you. You're important.

♡

I'm 20 and during school break one night decided to masturbate to some porn , and I came across this video and the pornstar looked alot like my mom , the actress had the same hair style my mom always wears and the pornstar was giving oral i like watching oral but she looked to much like my mom so I fast forward to where the porn star is riding the male pornstar and this reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom and her boyfriend would lock themselves in a room for hours and I thought to my self when I was masturbating that this is probably what they were doing , so I imagined the porn stars doing it in the room and this turned me on, but then I thought that it was gross cause that's what my mom and her boyfriend were doing , so I focused more on the porn star lady cause I just wanted to finish and go to bed , but now I feel like I jacked off to my mom and her boyfriend because It did arouse me a little but I tried finishing to the porn star , I feel sick , I hate that it turned me and that I didn't stop masturbating , I feel horrible , I was never attracted to my mom and I mastorbated that day because I was horny not cause I wanted to jack off to my mom but that video ****** it up , now I feel ashamed , this is serious , please HELP!

I am so thankful I found this site, I've been needing to get this out. This is a secret that both me and my father will take to our graves.
I never knew my real father until I was about 12 years old. I met him for the first time and he was a fairly attractive man. We grew a decent friendship and learned that I was just like him in many ways. As I got older I noticed he would get flirty with me, and instead of a normal father-like hug.. I would get a hug and a long kiss on the neck. I never minded though.

He was a truck driver, he went on 2 week trips at a time, then a week off. I was 18 years old when he invited me to go with him for a trip, and I agreed.. I was excited because I never got to travel much. His semi had bunk beds, but I would always lay in the bottom bed with him for a while after he parked for the night. On the 4th day I asked him to rub my back, so he did.. he then told me its been so long sinse he's felt a womans body like this that it was effecting him in a certain way, hearing him say that, did the same thing to me. All I could do was smile at him, and he kissed me passionately then kissed my neck and chest. I knew it was so, so wrong.. but it didn't feel that way, it felt so good and I didn't want him to stop. And he didn't.

What happened on that trip was my body's desires taking over, maybe if I had self control I could have stopped it from happening.. I fell into a deep depression after I returned home because of the shame and disgust I felt towards myself. I blamed my father, I went months without speaking to him. I wish I never even met him. But a few more months past and suddenly I felt lonely, I got ahold of my father again.. we started to talk, we apologized to eachother and everything was fine again.

It didn't take long till the memories of our trip started to creep back into my thoughts, but this time it didn't upset me, it made me want him again. I lusted for him, I needed to feel that love again.. So I went to stay him on his week off, we shared his bed. It was amazing just like the first time.. but afterwards I went back home and became angry and depressed again. When my period was 2 weeks late I took a pregnancy test, I was so scared to look.. but it was true, it was positive. When I told my father he asked me to abort, but I told him no.


My baby girl is now 2 1/2 months old. She is perfect, healthy and so beautiful. She has dad's bright blue eyes. Mama's nose, lips and chin, and our dark hair. I got so lucky that she looks mostly like me.. I sometimes wish the 3 of us could be one strange little happy family, but remembering the past, I know I will regret it because it seems to be an endless cycle of lust then hate. I tell people I was too drunk at a party to remember who I slept with. I'd rather be known as a drunk whore then an incesting freak. I know i'm not alone but I know the real world would never understand. My father has always told me he doesn't see me as his daughter, but as a beautiful young woman. And he's never been my dad.. he was a stranger I met when I was 12, and we became very close. I do know there is something called genetic sexual attraction syndrome... but I will just leave it at self diagnosed. He has only met my daughter once sinse she's been born, and I honestly hope he'll be more involved in her life, even if she'll only know him as grandpa.

Thanks for reading <3

so my boyfriend of a year and a half has bipolar disorder. We've broken up and fought many times over the past but everything always goes back to normal once he's done with that particular cycle. I know it sounds awful to go through but I am willing to and it is worth it to me. I'd never hold it against him because I've done my fair share of learning about the disorder and I know that he can't help it. I love him and I want to see him happy and I know I make him happy it's just when he gets moody it's always me. And I know that when he doesn't know what's wrong he's going to take it out on the person closest to him which is me, and I know I can't do anything about it, and that sucks. We've talked about his disorder before and he realized that I'm the only one who's there for him.

Now getting to what's going on right now, we hadn't fought in two months and everything was perfect and I knew that it was long overdue for him to go through a depressive, angry or manic cycle. Last Sunday I saw him and everything was fine, then that night when he was working he texted me and told me he was depressed, I know better than to ask him why or what's wrong so I just told him that if he needs me I'm here but if he needs his space I understand. He told me that he needed some space he just didn't want to have to say it, so we didn't talk because I wanted to respect that he needed space. On valentines day, that tuesday, I didn't want to waste my card so I drove the hour to see him and I put it on his doorstep and I left, as to not bother him. In the middle of the night he sent me a long text saying how he needs someone more mature and how I'm too negative and how he wants to break up. I'm neither of those things. He said he's on a path to self discovery as well. After we talked about that I asked if he got my card and he said yes and no, that he got it but he didn't read it, he hid it from himself in case he has a change of heart like he does other times with the things I give him when stuff like this happens.

We didn't talk all week and then today, Saturday, I don't know why but I had to say how I felt. So I sent him this long thing about how I felt and he was really nasty about it (which I was expecting). I just needed him to think about what he's doing. Also all week he has been tweeting all these sad song lyrics or he sounds happy. And in the past he's seemed happy and he would be out with his friends having a good time and not talking to me but that's expected and he'd always come back. The last time I told him how I felt and how his bipolar disorder was affecting me (because he knew he was bipolar he just had no idea what it meant) he got really angry at first but he called me later and told me that I was right and that he was sorry.

Everyone I've tried talking to about this just tells me I need to tell him to go on medication. He's tried it and doesn't like it and it's not my place to push him to do so. I know the real reasons he's upset are because he's a 20 year old boy who thinks his life is over because he hasn't started college yet, and I've been trying to help him to go to college, and I'm in no way trying to hold him back. I know he's just going through a cycle and he's not being himself right now and all of the other times he's always come back. It's just never lasted this long. I know it can't be the same every time but I just wanted to see some other opinions.

For now I just know I need to give him the space he needs and respect that and hopefully he'll come back sooner or later. I've been told I should leave him countless times by others but that's not what I want to do in the least bit.

Opinions? Advice?

this is going to be my first post, i'm not really sure where to start this post so i'm going to jump right in, i have a been wondering lately whether i may suffer from borderline personality disorder, i have had this feeling for a long time that i am not quite right, i have this emptiness inside me, it feels like i am a camera stuck on live feed but no ones watching, i often feel like this regardless of whether i am content or unhappy.

onto how i feel, sometimes i lie awake at night reliving the past day, i feel ups, downs, and sometimes a cold icy rage. i have little control over my thoughts and feelings at these times, or anytime really. i can maintain at times, but only for seconds before i'm lost again. during the day when faced with interactions with people at work etc. i wear a mask that's all smile and charm, at times it feels more real than others. when like this i have little room for empathy or genuine care and affection, because one chink in my armour it could all come crumbling down. regardless of this, time, tiredness, stress and everyday interactions slowly erode it away. the harder i try to keep it on the worse the emotional comedown is. at home i can hide away in a book or hobby, at work i will feel like a zombie, just going through the motions, lost.

i have always known that i have a very adaptable personality, it became more clear with a friend recently pointed out to me, that i completely change, interaction to interaction, almost instantly, depending who is around, effectively becoming a different person. i think i choose the path of least resistance, the easiest and the safest. at times it feels like i am just mirror, lost in someone elses reflection. my lack of self has made me easy to be manipulated and used for the benefit of others at times sadly.

the people i allow myself to care about seem to effect me the most, i don't wear a mask with them, even if i wanted to i can't , this can result in myself becoming this mirror colored thing, for the most part i don't mind because we are happy, and i am more comfortable asserting myself, or the self i want to be,

i think this has been a pretty long post, i will leave it here. if there are any questions i will be happy to answer them. thankyou