Only read this post if you didn’t read my other one. This is a shorter version of it. Help me, please! I at least need some kind of comfort or advice, or someone to understand my problem! Ever since I was a baby, I’ve had these weird delusional obsessions. I only talked to myself in my imagination and never really had any contact with the outside world. I called it “non-exposure” and I never exposed anything. It always had to do with cartoons. Just cartoon characters- I was so obsessed with them, and they filled my brain for my entire life- I am not kidding. Every day, 24/7, I would try and picture them in my mind, either trying to picture these kids dressed up as their favorite ones, or just thinking about my favorite ones dating other characters. I was not only obsessed with them, but I was attracted to a lot of them as well. This went on from elementary school to middle school, to high school. I’m 16 years old in my junior year now. I couldn’t stop. It was the only thing that made me happy. I never told anyone about it because I never thought it would be a problem until now- I always thought of it as just a hobby that I liked to do. But now I know it was a waste of time. Now that I’m a junior, I’m supposed to be focusing on college and even more work. But because I lived inside my imagination for such a long time, I suffer consequences now. I’m not able to do the things I used to do. I can’t read, I can’t even focus on real life without zoning out. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t tell anybody- not my mom because she would be devastated, and not anyone else because they would just think I’m weird, and they would be upset, too. I can’t picture anything else in my mind besides these cartoons, and what I see on TV. I’ll never know what it’s like to be an actual person, living a normal human life. I can’t stare straight forward without zoning out, getting dizzy, or getting tired. I hate what I did to my life. I think school lessons are interesting, but they’re hard for me now! I try to focus on school but find it hard to do my work. I could have been a great person. But now I have no skills, and I can’t do anything. I don’t think I can function in this world. I don't think I'll be able to graduate high school, or function in college. I am not an attention whore, but I really want somebody to comment on this soon, because I am lonely and need at least some kind of company...

I have been confused all my life.. like several others... But recently.. I just can not take it any more...
Well.. Most of the time its just- who am I, WHY AM i, WHere AM I... Whats going on..?? What is this place.. this world..?? I must be a human being by this wolrds semiotic system.. i have two hands, head, eyes, etc.. what all other creatures considered as humans have... and there is such life around us.. what we live.. with rules... with manners... how things are supposed to be... well.. it doesnt make much sense to me... i am able to follow this worlds orders on my better moments.. but sometimes im just like- why, wtf?? Why should i..
Sometimes again I live normal life.. according to this world... I can pretend like normal human being.. i can even forget for some time... my confusion.. but it comes back...
I have had moments of horror... When I am afraid of everything.. I can sit in a corner of a room, my back against a wall... or go under blanket.. hide there... from the world... to calm down...
Then I have moments of emptyness... when i think.. that not even moving my hand.. inhaling.. its not worth it.. as there is no point... whats the point to eat, to walk.. to put one lef in front of another.. to move on.. what for? why to buy a new computer, why to go to work.. why to study? why to function in this world...
im not sad... i dont care... i dont know... i dont see the point...
i do care about others suffering.. i care about sad and heartbroken or lonely people, sick people in pain, hungry animals.. etc... but what can i do for them? nothing.. i cant help myself...
i have started to avoid people and social events.. its not that i can not enjoy them.. i dont know how to even behave there... they dance and drink and talk.. but im thinking- whats the point?
I can still enjoy some emotional movies or books.. they get me off my confusion.. but real life.. not any more..
i used to have some good friends and we had fun.. we were traveling and doing things together...
now i want to be alone.. hide from worls and people...
i used to feel like in Robbie Williams song-
I dont wanna die, but I aint keen on living either...
but now Im feeling...
I dont want to live this world and this life, but Im afraid of death too...

So, I dont really know what to do... I can not die, I can not live.. Im just a empty soul... somewhere... somehow...

Hi!

Well I'm 24 years old, my scars are a decade old, literally. When I was younger, I grew up in a war called "home" and I suppressed my emotions, I always had a smile on, was always making others laugh, pretending pain was not reality. It was reality alright, I broke at the tender age of 14, but I never wanted to die. I had harmed myself in order to understand the feelings others would get from cutting, but I could never seem to find the pleasure through it, it hurt! I did this a few times until I said "enough is enough there must be another way!"-- And truthfully the only way was simply getting my life together, it all starts from within. I learned to deal with pain on my own, no help. I've been through a lot and have made plenty of mistakes, but I believe and KNOW my past does NOT define the strong woman I am today.

I've always wanted to serve my country, I've been a protector since a child, the fuel to the fire actually started at home protecting my mother and sister from my father, then I proceeded behind the doors of my homes, such as protecting ones from bullies. I want to enlist with the Air Force in a year, do a bit more college before hand, and I want to major in psychology. I'd love to help anyone in general, from my personal experiences I have helped many, and I will not stop being there for others, guiding them, showing them there is a way. I feel there's too many people that go into professions that give service onto others simply for the money, instead of doing it because it comes from the heart, because they genuinely care, and want to help.

I've seen positive and negative thoughts over my past and how it can disqualify me, I will still try my best and give it my all, but what is your thoughts on this? And even if I do get disqualified, I'm gonna continue my studies towards becoming a psychologist. I can still become one, right? It would be a shame to know all years I'd put into something I love I'd be denied from because of my past mistakes.

Thank you!

I m worried that I might be a sociopath/psychopath. The main reason why I think this is because I was very mean to animals when I was kid. I don t know why I was, but I have been reading up on signs of sociopathy/psyhcopathy in children and this is one of the biggest signs. I never got in serious trouble as a kid like in school or anything. I never really had friends, I always stick to myself and would just swing by myself at recess. I started wanting to make friends in junior high though and wanting to fit in more. I just need help because I don t want to be a sociopath/psychopath. The idea of me being one makes me want to cry. I want to be normal person. However, I start to doubt myself and my emotions. Like, "do I really feel this emotion or am I just making myself feel this to try to make myself think I m not a sociopath?" I literally doubt every emotion I feel and every mistake I ve ever made, I connect it to me being a sociopath. Like I said, the main reason I think I am one is because I was cruel to animals as a child and this is a sign. I know I need to talk to a healthcare professional, but don t know if I can handle the truth. I m worried I ll get diagnosed a sociopath, I don t know if I can live with that. I just don t why I was the way I was as a child, that s what scares me. Any thoughts are appreciated.

So 2 weeks have gone by already. The 12 induction days are now over, what a relief ! I can still remember how I was living this, how days went by so slowly, with those 2 ‘girls’, those 2 bi*ches ‘rendering ‘ my life hell. Today, while we were on our meth doctor’s rendez-vous or consultation, one of my ex-induction friends (i accept to employ the word ‘friend’ here, how kind of me!) was talking over to me and that conversation TOOK ME BACK TO THE DAYS! Yes, back to the 12 induction days when we were all together, ha! To cut this story short (since I’m not writing about this today, some other day maybe…), I’m just glad I made it out! I imagined two more days with these animals in that cacophonic jukebox, that cacophonic cage, and I would have hung myself out dry, shyiiit. Believe it or not, I even made a rope out of my blanket, ready to be used… “Anytime!” I mumbled, without even shedding a tear, not even afraid of dying, well it was just for a few minutes, since that feeling quickly got out of me.

So today, when I went over to my meth doctor on consultation, the latter asked me if all’s well, if I didn’t get any side effects from my methadone or if I encountered any craving during my first week out and if I’m happy with my current meth dose. Well I told him the truth, nothing but the plain truth: every morning, I would wake up with my yawnings and running nose well, not as much as the time when I was addicted to heroin like back in the days LOL, but I’m not supposed to get any of this, not even an inch of all this ! My body was not on top mode, which is true as compared to the days when I was on induction. Even if I didn’t sleep at that time, my bosy was not as torn as it is now; we had less physical activities, less thinking to do and most of all, no stress at all, no phone ringing, no email to check, no meeting, nothing! As on my current life situation, when all’s back on other than the heroin cravings gone, I would have to, for instance, assist my parents in cleaning their yards, yes yards with an ‘s’. The truth? Well, I prefer to stay at work premises rather than spend a day home when my parents are at home as well since there would always be somewhere to go, something to do, no rest at all. And the days where we have nothing to do (meaning no cleaning or house chores), well, we would spend the days at the beach swimming and running on the beach. And I’d be all cranked up the next day at work, body all messed up, cramps, etc…

So I told all this to my meth doc and the latter just thought that was gibberish, from what I could conclude. The first thing he would mention was that I didn’t do as much physical efforts in an office, forgetting the fact that office is a part of my life. He said he would raise my daily meth dose but the question remains, since he didn’t write anything in front of me, and that’s quite discouraging.

Because then, the devil would lurk around me and maybe at a later stage, push me back on the streets who knows?? I know very well that a higher meth dose (maybe a 5ml raise might do to start with) is not recommended. Is it not better to be on a relatively higher meth dose than to hit back the streets ?

Think about it !