Sorry this is very long but please read this because i need help...
Hi, I am a 16 year old girl and have been struggling with hocd for about 2 years. It all started in 7th grade when I had an intense crush on a boy. Whenever I was around him I had butterflies and I actually wanted to marry him. He liked me too but he soon developed a crush on another girl and I wasn't even jealous because I didn't like him as much anymore. One night I was at a sleepover with my friend and I was laying on the couch when a thought popped into my head, "you don't like **** anymore, are you gay?" After that one thought, it has changed my life. ( I am not homophobic but I was always kinda uncomfortable around gay people at that age. But now I am not at homophobic or uncomfortable around gay people anymore)

A couple weeks later, I was seeking reassurance on being lesbian and stumbled across the term hold. I had all of the symptoms and felt better. But, the worrying didn't stop. In 7th grade I was only scared about "becoming" gay, I knew i wasn't but I was just scared i was "changing" into being gay. I went to my school guidance counselor and she told me that it was ok if I was gay and should learn to accept it, this heightened my worrying because I couldn't handle the fact of being gay. There were times where I was not worrying and then times where I was. After a while of being worried I didn't worry about it at all. I had some thoughts here and there but ignored them. It was the start of 8th grade (the grade I am in now) and I didn't worry about it. Then it was triggered again, (I forgot how). Soon my mind made me think I had crushes on every single one of my friends (who were girls). My mind said "If you aren't attracted to him, you're gay." It also started to change my past and say "you like her" even when I felt nothing for her when I was with her. Recently, I had a small panic attack at a restaurant where i couldn't eat any single thing (not even a small piece of rice) because I was worrying so much. My mind kept screaming "your bi!..." That night at the restaurant I planned to come out to my mom (my mom knows about my hocd) but the problem was that I didn't like any girls. I would also look at my friends (who were girls) and become jealous of them because they do not have to go what I go through. I would say in my head, "they are so lucky that they are straight. They are going to have the best relationship"

I then began to dig into my past (i still am) and there are some things that I have done as a child that i can use as proof that I am gay. Keep in mind that I have never been attracted to anyone of the same sex besides false attractions (which is not even real attraction). My mind would also say "All the girls think your older brother is cute, but you don't. This means your gay." And now that I am writing that, what on Earth was I thinking, am i stupid? Lol. I would also have false attractions for people on TV shows and have dreams and wake up feeling aroused and feeling that I liked it. I know that arousal doesn't mean your gay so it doesn't worry me at all.

I know that I like boys but I am just scared that I like girls to. I always wanted to have a boyfriend but now I do not as much. My mind is now saying "being with a girl isn't so bad." "it will be fun to be in a relationship with a girl" I have never dreamed about girls the way I have dreamed about boys and the only relationship I want with girls is friendship. But as i am writing this my mind is saying, "you wouldn't mind it, it would be fun!" Whenever I go out, it is just natural for me to want to impress a guy. I have never wanted to dress to impress a girl. I cant picture my future with a girl because its just not me. I also don't think it is necessary to come out because deep down I know i'm not.
I used to have bad intrusive thoughts, but now those thoughts aren't even intrusive anymore. I don't even get anxiety over them anymore. I just get a weird numb feeling in my chest. But that was about 2 weeks ago and now I just feel nothing about these thoughts. I now obsess over being bi and the only evidence I have is my childhood.
I looked up and read many forums on this and the "numb" feeling shows that you are getting better. I believe this but my mind has it doubts... I am very nervous to go to high school because I am scared to have a crush on a girl (meanwhile I have liked boys my whole life!) Every since this worrying started, my attraction for boys has lessened.

I also have a type of anxiety where my mind makes me think I will get dizzy when I go out with my friends, and then I turn out getting dizzy and having a panic attack. But now I sometimes avoid those situations and just stay at home, this gives me a lot of time to think. I have just recently started to go to therapy and my dizziness is way better than it used to be. I brought up hocd to my therapist but she wasn't familiar to that specific type But, she knew it was a type of anxiety and talked me through it.

I do not even care anymore, I am so used to the thoughts that my mind can control them, but I just choose to think about them again and again. My mind makes me think I like the thoughts and want to act on them too. If I would hangout with my friends I would have the urge to kiss one of my friends (but I do not want to). When I am not thinking about these thoughts, I do not have these urges or thoughts. I want to go back to 6th grade where I was boy crazy and just be back to normal.

Do past moments make you gay or show you will be gay or bi in the future?

Please respond, not because I need reassurance, I just want to know if this is normal to experience in hold. Thank you for taking the time to read this!! And hang in there to anyone who is going through this too!