Hi there!
20 year old girl looking for some guidance.
I have a history of mental health issues but have never been diagnosed with anything. My dad has Tourettes with ocd and my sister has anxiety disorder. We all take prozac for our anxieties though im not diagnosed. I have tendencies toward ocd, Aspergers, anxiety, and eating disorders but do not fit a particular box. Im going to list my obscure quirks based on which issue I think they fit and hopefully someone can help me if they relate or understand!

OCD Tendencies:
I have an intense fear of germs, but only human germs. Im fine with the ocean, dirt, or sand etc as long as I can wash my hands after but I can't touch doorknobs, money, etc without washing my hands IMMEDIATELY. The strange thing is I don't obsess over what these germs will do to me, like I don't think ill get sick or die or anything, I can just "feel" the germ on my hand or body and it drives me crazy until I wash it off. If I touch something really dirty, I have to wash my hands 3 times for the dirty feeling to go away.

When i was about 5 my ocd tendencies started to come out and it manifested in me being afraid of germs and dead things. Dead things WERE dirty to me. I stopped eating meat. I put my favorite toys on a high shelf and refused to play with them because I didnt want to get them dirty. I washed my hands until they’d bleed and i had to wear socks on them. Since spiders killed things, they became the dirtiest thing in the world to me. If a spider touched something, I couldnt touch that thing unless it was washed. My parents got me a “cleaning spray” (which i now suspect was just water) to spray things so i could touch them again. When I was six, a butterfly died in our hallway and got covered in ants. I had to leap over that spot in the hallway because I couldn’t touch it, and I did that until we moved out of that house 2 years later. I had meltdown after meltdown because I found out the seats in my car were made of leather.

I still can’t touch anything if a spider has walked on it. I live in the forest, so they are always in my home. I wear shoes and socks in the house because I can’t touch the floor. If something falls on the ground I either throw it away or have to pick it up with gloves and wash it. I know this is irrational and there is no fear driving it, but if I touch any place a spider has been or if a spider touches me i have to scrub and scrub my body… this is very exhausting.

Because of this I get overwhelmed by small tasks. My dad used to always get mad at me because I would leave the fridge door open when Id take something out of it, until I finally explained that I have to use my shirt to open the door and its very difficult because sometimes I accidentally touch the door and have to wash my hands again...etc. If i drop something on the floor in my house now I usually leave it there because otherwise I’d have to get gloves, pick it up, wash it, then wash my hands.. Etc.

Un-identified Tendencies:
I hate eye contact. It feels so unnatural to me, I usually avoid it unless I know its important (job interview, date, etc) and then I have to purposefully hold my gaze and focus on looking attentive. I often stop paying attention to what people are saying because I’m focusing so hard on looking like I’m paying attention (lol). I hate sitting across from people because eye contact, I always make my boyfriend sit next to me at restaurants.

I have trouble with personal space/boundaries. In lines I always get too close to people without realizing, my boyfriend has to pull me away/remind me to give people space.

If I get excited about something, I talk very very loudly without noticing. I always have to be reminded to stop yelling..

I am super clumsy and awkward. I am ALWAYS bumping into things/dropping things.. Especially in the morning.

My sister and boyfriend recently told me that people often think I am a bitch when they first meet me because of my humor. I have a super blunt/dry sense of humor and I often make fun of people if I like them. For me, being able to tease someone shows a certain level of closeness/comfort and lovingly teasing people is my way of bringing them closer. My problem is I overestimate my relationships with people and leave them thinking “why is this girl making fun of me I dont even know her?”. If I mess with you take it as a compliment! I am also very sarcastic but am bad at showing my sarcasm and people take it seriously (gets me in a lot of trouble!).

Oddly enough I am very sociable but only if I have an advantage in the social situation. For example, I love being the center of attention in groups but I hate being in groups if I am not the center of attention. If I am part of a group and no one pays attention to me I get extremely reserved and can’t figure out how to interject myself into conversations correctly. I usually get overwhelmed this way and just completely retreat into my thoughts. Once I start feeling awkward/unwanted, I get very anxious and self conscious and I can’t think of anything to say.

I have a very low social battery, even with my close friends. I often feel like the black sheep, the “least liked” person of the group unless I am the one doing the talking. If I am with people for too long, out of the house for too long, or simply in too large of a group, I get really tired and need to “recharge” by myself. This has caused me to almost lose friends on many occasions and makes me feel like I have to constantly prove my love for my friends or else they will leave me behind since I need time to myself.

When I was little, I always remember feeling awkward and less “delicate” than my other girl friends. I felt like less of a girl and it always made me insecure. I often obsessively worried that I was transgender or lesbian when I was in middle school (because I felt different and didn’t know why) despite my undeniable attraction to men and my LOVE of being a girl. My parents were also always very supportive and would have accepted me no matter what, but I didn’t want to be trans or lesbian because I wasn’t (lol).

When people come to me with problems, my only tool to help them is to offer advice. I can never tell whether they want advice or not, so it is really hard for me. I have to consciously try not to talk about myself too much (in an effort to relate and comfort them) and I have to consciously try to soothe by patting shoulders or hugging (which just does not come naturally to me). I feel people get annoyed when they come to me with personal issues because I almost always tell them what I did in a similar situation and how it helped me, and I have to stop myself from talking about myself too much. I get really anxious if someone is upset around me because I absolutely don’t know how to comfort people without giving advice.

I get very obsessed with things (especially things I want) and will spend long periods of time thinking about/researching them. If I like a new album, i will listen to it for weeks until I get sick of it. If I like a celebrity or person, I will buy new clothes to be like them or try to adopt personality traits to be like them. I often copy someone and then feel insecure because its not “me” and I worry what people will think. If someone says something a particular way that I like, I will often try to adopt that way. In middle school I trained myself to say photo instead of picture because my friend said photo and I thought it sounded cooler. I am also constantly changing my appearance because I will dye my hair the same color as a certain celebrity, then see another favorite celebrity with different hair and want that hair instead.

SENSITIVITIES:
My fingers, toes, eyebrows, and upper lip are super sensitive. If they get rubbed the wrong way I can’t STAND it and have to rub them the correct way until it feels “right”. My fingers always feel off so I rub them towards the nail to ease the discomfort. I often will do this in patterns. These sensitivities get worse if I am particularly anxious. I will also constantly make patterns or shapes with parts of my body, like I’ll move my hips in a figure eight over and over while laying down.

I am super sensitive to hormones. If I take any kind of hormonal birth control I feel constant fatigue and nausea.

I also have certain things I have to do to be comfortable and content. I always prefer to sleep at home so I can keep my usual nighttime and morning routine. I can stay other places, but I feel uncomfortable in the morning. While I can stray from routine a little bit, i absolutely cannot be content or enjoy my day if I haven’t: washed my face, brushed my teeth, made my hair reasonable, put on an outfit I am proud of. EVEN IF I AM ALONE ALL DAY! I cannot feel ugly or unclean even if I am alone or I feel miserable. I can’t even put my hair in a messy bun if I am by myself.

Oddly enough, I love dancing in clubs, listening to loud music, and going to restaurants. I always do these either in an alterred state or in a familiar place, though. I dislike going new places or doing things out of the regular. For example, I have a few favorite restaurants that I like to go to and I always get the same food. Stick with what you like, right? I also prefer to hang out with the same people that I am used to and get anxious being with people I am not 100% comfortable with, even if I have known them for years.

EMPATHY/EMOTIONS:
I am super overly empathetic. My mom used to always say my heart is too big. if people are sad or are suffering, I take on all that pain as my own. I am usually pretty good at guessing what people are feeling and thinking (or at least I think I am). I almost feel psychic sometimes which leads to worries that bad things will happen. I have a worry that something bad might happen and then think it’s a “gut feeling”, leading me to worry more.

I am very good at looking at things from other people’s perspectives if the situation doesn’t involve me. I can help resolve issues among people when it’s objective, but if I am part of the issue I can usually only see my own side. If I make someone upset, it’s extremely hard for me to see/admit what I did wrong.

I get myself into bad situations because people manipulate me into thinking they need help. My friends say I am naive.

When I was little, I would always look for the stuffed animal with flaws because I felt bad for it. If I chose the one I wanted, the one without flaws, I would feel extreme guilt.

I have never been able to lie. I have lied to my dad twice in my life (when I was a teenager) and both times I was overcome with guilt and had to confess the next day. I can’t lie to anyone, not even strangers, unless I know the truth will truly hurt the person.

I am doing more research on aspergers and other disorders and doing some reflecting. Now that I think about it, I don’t really consciously register my own emotions unless I try to. I am usually content, but the only emotion I actually always register is sadness. I never really get excited about anything. I have fun, but I don’t really notice when I am having fun, I just know that I am not upset in that moment.

I think that’s enough ranting, please reply if you have any advice, guidance, relations, or understanding to this post! I have been looking for a diagnosis for so long but seeing psychologists gives me anxiety. I always feel like I have to “prove” that there’s something wrong with me and no one gets it. Thank you for your time