So I am struggling with my insiders.
I thought I'll make a map and see how it compares in the future, since it has already changed once.

Baby/ Edward- around 1 year old. I think he's an EP. We tried to make him a girl and help him grow up and feel safe, but that did not work. He's the one who relieves the trauma all over, seemingly all the time. He's just the baby half naked in a nappy. Heartbreaking and flashback inducing.

Smalls- around 4-5 years old. Very isolated, scared. Distrusts everyone, doesn't understand jokes, considers men evil. Feels that others know better despite her own insights. Learned helplessness. Reacts with deep sadness, depression even; suicidal.

Rebel- 16 years old, girl. Angry, trying to fight for instant gratifications. When she's out she's violent, hateful, impatient, verbally offensive. Yet she is a bit subdued. She wanted to get crazy and part of her is someone who cherishes the notion of mental illness. Immature, but loved by us all.

CrowRaven- non human, big grey bird. Special, mystical. Sort of has access to 'the darkness'. Acts as a gatekeeper, and controls a little the interactions between us, a silent voice of reason. Protector. Delusions of being better than.

Big One, aka Laura- that's me, around 22. I came to life when I switched to the 'adult shrink and got addictive medication. I have fibromyalgia and possibly borderline. I'm frightened a lot but also cocky and optimistic, I'm the fighter of the group and the main host. Very concerned about death, yet a big time smoker.

Rosa/Renee- 34 y/o. The pretty lady of the house, OCD and anal about order we can't ever achieve. She's mysterious and recently refuses to get out. She likes to have a pretty name. She's a hippie and used to take care of Edward. Feels ugly a lot esp. with our recent post anti-psych weight gain (which isn't that much but enough for her to consider us a terrible bag of meat). Used to have a lover, but he is gone now and we wonder whether he merged with her. Or to put it differently, integrated.

Mother- 40 y/o. Very unhappy with the looks. Afraid of death. Possibly schizoaffective disorder. Frightened, overwhelmed, tired a lot, also fibromyalgia.

Marika- age around 35, the Lone Wolf, but very happy, very 'can do' even if he just started coming out very recently. Eager to learn. Me (Laura) am teaching him how to write, cook, interact. He loves books abt. posi psychology.

That's it for now. We'll see how it goes.

The host, she suffers.
The baby Edward is tortured and stuck in time.
I am Isaka Akasai and I am the one with the sword. I am not Japanese or anything.
Almost, I am almost having Laura out.
I hate this,
the forums here do not help
Laura and Rosa wrote and nobody was interested. It's crazy how much they sympathise with other people, try to reply. I won't allow it. Since the forum has access to our email and we are in touch with people from here it's hard to leave. But I have beautiful fingernails and a sharp sword. I cut you, I cut and the time standing still behind my back
we will get them out of there.

Now frame off.

when you feel bad:

change your socks into new ones (even if the ones you have on are just couple hours 'old')
blanket. always have a blanket to wrap yourself tight in it for a moment. Yeah, Linus.
water. drinking water is more rejuvenating for the spirit than it would seem. so easy to forget this one.
a chill pill. KIDDING. sorta. no cheating.

....

to be continued (for my own reference)

I thought of you as my friends for so long. Now I am not so keen on you. I'd rather feel afraid than take the extra klonopin. Oh the familiar taste when crunching it up. We still have a love affair, dear pill.
Painkillers, I use you only to get numb and high. I am bored of this.
Still, I wonder how long it'll take me to say 'bom biddy bye bye'.
Maybe never? And we are meant to be together, for ever? Ever ever ever ever?

The 450 dosage of pregabalin helps with pain tho.

The day is young and full of rest. NOT.

I could work a little now, after making lunch, which is a HUGE issue now. But I read the forums and am all shaky, because I can recognise myself in so many words of others'. I need it, I want it, I need to be shaken now. But I guess I do try to work.
'Borderlines may never fulfil their callings but may live satisfying lives', I read once. F you! Let me grab my calling and work it slowly.

xoxoox

I wish he would not be so distant / I would not find him so distant. It's daytime and we cannot comunicate. It scares me. I hate the day. He is home all Tuesday, so I am scared. I sit in the other room now and he walks in because it's our bedroom and I feel bad. Then he runs over to me and in an accusative voice says 'There are WORMS in the closet (he means the one with food). I opened it and they started falling out.'

Grown ass man: we have a case of food moths. We will clean the closet, we will put those sticky traps there.
Did you have to run in and raise your voice at me about this?
And all after I tried to talk and you just shut off and stared blankly ahead.
'You are unhappy?' I asked
'No. I am very happy.'

I do not comprehend, at all. I am needy, yes, I get that you are like this.
But for the accusation of the universe bringing us some flour that was full of those moths being my fault, I think I will not budge and just be offended. F you.