So, as you may gather, the title is quite true. So I apologize in advance for any typos/bad grammar &/or confusion. I'll try to use my spell-check as often as possible.

I decided to write this because maybe I can observe my own behaviour being un-sober. Hah. As of late, I have observed my habit of not being sober for many reasons. A temporary relief of stress or mental/physical discomfort is an optional choice desired by people who are mentally/physically "abnormal" by society's definition.

I am not using it as a crutch, but rather an immediate relief of stress no matter the reason. Some people still consider it a crutch, but people find a means of happiness in their own way, esp since society makes it accessible. Blame society if anything.

People have such a problem with drugs (whether it be a street drug or alcohol) because it inebriates you so you have no worries. So what? Taking a prescription is a drug, what's the diff? Is it because one makes you high/drunk and the other helps deal with the negative effects of your "mental disorder"? Both have the same affect except one has a more immediate affect.

What do you do when your psycho doc (psychologist or psychiatrist) prescribes you something that only works half-ass? Anti-pill-heads will find immediate relief, at least that's what I do. I could be out on the streets being a prostitute or attracting illegal attention. Instead I am in the comfort of my own home not causing any trouble. "Well that's not an excuse." No sh!t. Who said it was? It's simply a reason to not give a sh!t about anything.

I like not caring about anything. I like feeling numb, I like feeling as if nothing can bother me. It's most exhilarating feeling invincible when all you do is worry 24/7 sober. I drink and smoke whenever I can. It helps me pretend nothing is negative in this world.

I am mentally/emotionally invincible when not sober. I wish I could feel this way all the time. It would make life easier... right? I mean it simply does whether one believes that or not.

Being mentally/emotionally unstable is intimidating. Esp when people treat you as if you were different. When you don't give 2 sh!ts in this world, it's like you can take on anything. Fvck being miserable & sober. Inebriation fights depression in an endless battle of instability and discomfort. Who gives a rat's ass what people think.

Inebriation = Comfortability. Who cares if it's temporary. Neosporin is temporary relief of a cut. Hugs are a temporary relief of saddness. Kisses are a temporary relief of loneliness. Sex is a temporary relief of arousing desires. What's different exactly?

Nothing. Sobriety = Misery. Call me pathetic, but anyone who agrees knows what I am talking about. I'm done writing. I wrote this blog entry several different times and never have I found an easier way to describe insobriety as a comfort zone for those with "negative" minds.

I have been having some serious issues the last few days and I don't know why. It's like I concentrate on the fact that there's something wrong with me and I can't do anything about it. You know, society says that people can control their own feelings. They're happy because they make themselves happy. They're sad because they want to be. Well, I just can't figure out what I want. I have my own comfort zone.

I want to be happy but I don't know how. I feel so down all the time so I try to find something entertaining but nothing is entertaining to me. It's like I want to be sad and a good for nothing. But I don't want to be like this. I observe people a lot, it's like an obsession to just observe. And I have a bad habit of comparing them to me. I see people around me and it's like, "Okay, they're happy because they have a healthy relationship; they're with someone they love." Well great, so do I so why the hell am I unhappy. Other people are happy because they have a great stable job that pays well. So do I, why the hell am I unhappy. Some people are happy by buying new things. I buy stuff all the time. One symptom of bi-polarism is spontaneous spending. Anyway, and I am still what seems to be ungrateful for the sh!t I have.

Of course everyone will say their comfort zone is being happy. Everyone wants to be happy. But the mind of humans is weak to negativity. In other words, you have to work at being happy. What if it's too much work? "Well then you're just not trying hard enough." Okay, how do I try harder? "Well just don't think negative things, just smile and be happy." Okay, let me just pull a happy pill out of my ass and get down to business. I don't know what positive is. Everything is negative, it's all black. There is no white. I hate the saying "It's always greener on the other side" because it fvcking isn't. It's a barren waste land with nothing but dry windy earth without possibility to support life.

That's my problem. I can't decide what makes me happy and what doesn't. It even pisses me off when I smile because people point it out. "Oh, there we go! Now your smiling!" Like Fing really? What is it your business what muscles I use in my face.

My comfort zone is being unhappy because people leave me alone. If I scowl, people think I am unfriendly. Well, I am. I don't like people. In fact, my more common word is humans. Why, I don't know but for some reason I find it more degrading to say than "people". Yes, I purposely say humans because it's more insulting. I hate humans. They're deceitful, untrustworthy, selfish beings. Everyone is deceitful, everyone lies. And whoever says they don't lie is a fvcking liar. We are not a good species to be living.

So why the hell am I here. I am a waste of tissue and fluids and sparks of consciousness and miserable memories wasting oxygen when those who are "normal" living their "perfect" life deserve to live on because they "make" themselves happy. Apparently I am incapable of taking care of this trapped body, why is my "soul" here.

I have a majour jealousy issue as well. But the only jealousy issue I will admit to is having problems accepting other happy people. It's like, "How the hell did they find their happiness. How can they even be happy when there is nothing to be happy about." Am I just wanting a simple life, be able to do everything without a price? Like money doesn't exist? Is that the problem? "I am just some spoiled only child who can't get what she wants so she pouts all the time and she's only happy when she gets what she wants." Yea, well, "depends". I pout because I don't get what I want, true. I pout because I don't want to be here. I pout because I have no purpose. I pout because I can't be somebody. And, no I can't. Don't give me that sh!t "Yea you can. Just go to school and get a degree in something." Who the hell said...

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OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
An anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety. Mental symptoms may include feeling uneasiness, apprehension, fear, worry, paranoia, preoccupation with sexual, violent or religious thoughts, relationship-related obsessions, or aversion to particular numbers. Physical symptoms may include obsessive nervous rituals such as opening & closing doors a certain number of times before leaving or entering a room, excessive washing or cleaning, repeated checking, extreme hoarding & RMD (See below). The symptoms are time-consuming & frustrating & can cause severe emotional & financial distress. OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions & compulsions as irrational, & may become further distressed by this realization.

RMD
Rhythmic Movement Disorder
A movement disorder involving repetitive body movements, including but not limited to banging the head, consistent bouncing of the knee, or body rocking.

BODY ROCKING
OCD = RMD
I suffer from Body Rocking specifically. It's an obsessive movement disorder in which the individual rocks their body back & forth whether sitting or standing. In my case, I only do it while sitting. Causes may include but are not limited to stress, anxiety, nervousness, & paranoia. Body rocking is used to seek emotional ease & sometimes physical comfort.

My OCD is bad, when I feel OCD. It depends on the situation. For example, if I start cleaning, I don't stop until I'm satisfied. It has taken me 6 hours to clean my small a$$ apartment a couple times. But see, I'm bi-polar too. So it happens in spurts, if I can say that. It's like, I have my lazy moments. I mean, it can also be your average day/person's procrastination. But lack of motivation is also depression. C;

As far as body rocking goes, personally, I body rock while concentrating; I can't seem to tie an emotion to it. I sometimes do it when watching a movie & seeing an intense scene like a fighting scene or suspense scene, or while typing, (ie forums) but I stop when typing something, & sometimes while sitting in a car. I have caught my self rarely doing it while driving, but I haven't driven in 2 years because I survived a roll over. Anyway I can control that, since way before my accident. When I rock in the passenger seat, I always warn the unaware so they don't get weirded out by it. No one seems to be bothered by it, in fact my boyfriend thinks it's cute. Weird... >_>

I have a hard time controlling it when I do body rock. The urge is so intense, I can't help but just do it. I have been teased about it while my mom was driving me somewhere, and I looked to the car beside us, and 3 girls were in there imitating me, pointing & laughing. I felt like a retard. Sorry if that's offensive, but it's how I felt. It is still embarrassing & it has taken a lot of me to just accept it enough to not do it in public, though. Friends & family are an exception.

DEPRESSION
A state of low mood & aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings & sense of well-being. Mental symptoms may include sadness, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless, & may contemplate or attempt suicide. Physical symptoms may include insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems, lost of interest in fun activities, loss of appetite or overeating, concentration problems, issues remembering details or making decisions.

BI-POLARISM
(Also known as bipolar affective disorder or manic-depressive disorder)
A mood disorder in which individuals experience episodes of "highs" & "lows". Lows or "Hypomania" may include high energy, easily excitable & may be highly productive. Highs or "Mania" may include erratic & impulsive behaviour, poor decision making due to unrealistic ideas about the future, daydreaming, insomnia, paranoia, & depressive episodes.

DEALING WITH DEPRESSION & BI-POLARISM
The reason I grouped these together is because both disorders coincide with each other. I was diagnosed with Depression & Bi-Polarism in late 2012. The depression was obvious to me, no surprise. I was always sad no matter what; nothing interested me or made me happy. At the same time, my "Hypomania" would randomly change my mood from depression to instant happiness for no reason. All of a sudden after sulking for hours, I would simply get over my irritations instantly. These are also known as "mood swings".

Depression has always been hard to deal with. I slept all the time just trying to escape from reality & think of other things. I thought of it as losing control of my mind & putting it on auto-pilot, per say. Just let it do it's own thing so I am not concentrating on emotional & physical pain. For some reason, my dreams were not all that depressing. They were more creative or weird, but always vivid. My step dad, who is a cop, said to me one time, "If I didn't know you, I would automatically accuse you of doing drugs because you sleep all the time." Believe it or not, I was actually drug-free at that time.

Anyhow, I was constantly being bothered about what was wrong with me. Since middle school, I was the quiet one in the back of the class, observing everyone in front. I acted out on impulse a lot, not thinking before saying something, or being obnoxious. Other times, I would be quiet & sad for days or weeks at a time before smiling again. Whenever someone asked "How are you?", "Good" was not among my chosen vocabulary words. For anything. "How is your day going?" "Okay, I guess". "How are you feeling?" "I don't know". "Did you have a good day?" "No." If I said good morning to someone, I would only say "morning" or "hi." Good is such a strong word, it never felt right saying it. I was never good. Nothing was good to me. Everything was "okay". I never said "bad" or "I'm miserable" or whatever, because it attracted attention I didn't want. So, many of my known answers were "I don't know" instead. The majourity of the time, I really didn't know or understand my feelings at the time. The few friendships I had in high school were weak because of my constant unhappiness. It burdened others, & when I acted impulsively, their first reaction is to not know how to react.

Being Bi-Polar doesn't help because it constantly confused people. I was frustrating to talk to when I was quiet & sad. And I was hard to deal with when I got hyper or stupid at times. I was always so self-conscious of myself, how I acted, what I said or simply what I looked like. That was a symptom of paranoia, among other things.

One majour paranoia I have is people seeing inside...

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Below is my early life story. Judge me however you desire.

THE BEGINNING
In 1987, I was born to an unmarried mother & father. They were separated around the time I was born. I was conceived accidentally, though my opinions of that fact are irrelevant. I grew up with my mother & grandmother until I was around 9 years old. Around those times, I was "blessed" with seeing my real father spontaneously, whenever he had the time. I don't remember officially "meeting" my real father, but I remember in the beginning, I was afraid of men entirely. They were a suspicious species to me & I had no interest nor courage to understand their inferior & intimidating aura.

MY FATHER
I am unsure of the timeline of event but if I remember correctly, I was told that before I was born, my father was into drugs & drinking. He is currently clean. But I don't know if the drugs & alcohol were a result of his unstable personality problems or simply a weak entertaining choice. But none-the-less, it suppressed his anger problems as it does my depression. My father eventually told me he became a hard-core christian in which I believe was a great choice, although he says he had no control over his desire to become cleansed of his sins. He says God took control & decided for him to become a clean & successful man. I disagree, but my religious opinions are for another blog entry. I am just simply proud of him becoming clean, period, However, I digress; my father & I currently have a healthy relationship. When I was young & living with my mother & grandmother, I was "blessed" seeing him spontaneously when he had the time.

MY GRANDMA
While my mom & I were living with my grandmother, I was happy & carefree. My grandma was a second mother to me & at the time, all I wanted was to live with them forever in eternal bliss. My grandma was very experienced in life & knowledgeable about many things, as an elder is expected to be. She was my tutor of life itself. She knew a little about a lot instead of knowing a lot about a little. Quite an idolizing quality. I had nothing but the utmost respect for her & I tried anything to be just like her. Unfortunately, I lost her in the year 2004. It was quite the traumatizing nightmare considering I wanted her to at least see me graduate high school.

MY STEP-FATHER
When I was about 9, my mother was dating a security guard who worked for the hospital she also worked at. Honestly, who knows how long she had been seeing him before I realized it. He is retired Air Force Military & has an attitude as one strict military-trained vet is expected to have. All I remember is being introduced to said stranger after marriage was a confirmed decision between the two. Again, my opinions are irrelevant to the facts & may be explained later. My mom & I moved out of my grandma's house & into a foreign & miserable household with my newly unwelcomed step-father. My mom & he were (& still are) inseparable. My step-father & I did not get along well, but the reasons are questionable. Sometimes I like to believe it was a simple personality conflict. Although, I also enjoy believing it was the background he was raised in. He would admittedly say it was because I was a difficult & untrained child. Of course, I argue it was because I was not his blood-related kin. Not to say I was the perfect child either, but I think our relationship was indubitably damned during my childhood years to come.

While growing up & being raised by my step-father, I could only describe those years as being the most miserable years of my life, on top of school. We fought all the time & he strictly believed in corporal punishment. I remember when his 16 year old daughter at the time was living with us, I tried to confide in her my dealings with him, & all she could say was "he did it to me, so deal with it." She refused to be a...

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