This week has been a weird one yet good i think

So on Monday i met with the management team at work and i have organised my return to work which is very exciting it feels like it has been a long time coming. Although i am looking forward to it i also feel apprehensive as i have been off for 18months now. There are lots of positives about going back to work i feel like its proving to myself how well i am doing. Even though i am quite simply terrified about going back and failing, i also worry about collegues asking why i've been off and also comment being made about the scars on my arm. Most of the scaring has faded and is loads better i still notice it and am very aware its there and become very paranoid about people staring. At work i have to be bare below the elbow so covering them isn't an option. I know my scaring is no where near as bad as other peoples so should just get over myself but it is still something that is playing on my mind.

Tuesday i spent the day at home pottering not doing much achieved very little and became mad at myself for it. Today has been nice i spent the afternoon with my mum just hanging out which i really enjoyed and i bought myself a new scarf which i LOVE! It is brown with cream elephants on The thing is i am feeling abit weird. I can't put my finger on it i just feel abit low and teary but i can't let myself cry. This worries me because i feel numb and i don't want to start shutting my emotions off because this never ends well I feel like i have to be ok that people expect me to be like oh yeah i'm great all the time but the reality is that just like every other human in the world i have off days too. But i feel like if i start saying that i'm having an off day people around me will panic and think im going back to my old ways, which i'm not. I had to go to the emergency doctor on sunday night and my brothers first response was why what did she do and he didnt believe my mum when she said i hadn't. Apparently i can't be poorly. I also feel like i'm putting the expectation to always be ok on myself too and i am getting angry and mad at myself for it.

I haven't cut for 3months I'm so proud of myself but in a weird way tonight i am missing it. I guess because in a way it gave me a permission to and a reason to feel bad and now i feel i no longer have that. Also in a weird way i worry that the people in my life will stop bothering with me stop wanting to hang out if i'm doing well that they will think i don't need them so stop being around me. That they will see it as a chance to get away from me that they have all been waiting for this for a long time. Meh just my random stupid thoughts going mad and lies getting in grrrrrr.

I'm also thinking about changing my username on here.
1. because i feel it represents where i was not where i am
2. i feel like i maybe want a clean start
3. i feel like ive changed so much in the last year particularly and maybe my username needs to change to match it

But does changing it mean i am ashamed of my name and that its no longer an accurate discription of who i am so i feel i need to change it so i'm not being false or pretending. Also i don't want people to assume i am lonely like my username suggests. I have a few name ideas just need to decide.

Sorry for the random babble