September 2025
August 2025
Working with Dissociative disorder is the main key;
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For most years; and most of the time in the recovery process; most of the time; Ive been working with or on Dissociative disorder; Depression Agoraphobia, Avoidant personality disorder; Longer term PTSD CPTSD…
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I did use drugs in high school; this lasted for about 4 years; I ended up with psychosis and stopped; later in my 20’s I started drinking; In my late 20’s I stopped; I was forced because I could not stop drinking… However; I ended up in the Nuthouse for PTSD reasons; And ended up in the recovery meetings… And this basically stopped all alcohol consumption. I learned from my ignorant perspective; I learned about alcohol and drugs and how dangerous it is to get involved or stay involved; I learned; I got out of it; My whole results of using drugs n alcohol was to escape; I was looking for relief for untreated severe mental health problems…
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And thats what got me involved in 12 step meetings; It didn’t click at first; I took about 6 months after my first meeting. However; later I started going and it caught on. That was about 30 years ago. Through most of this I was dealing mental health problems that will get more severe and worse; to a point; Im basically schizophrenic like. Meaning; totally disabled.
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Here N Now;
Im still Disabled. However; something wonderful has happened; In the attitude department; in the spiritual department; things have changed; In the Hope department; things have changed. Im interested in setting goals; In setting goals and working with a higher power; Universe; Sunny Jesus; The Holy Spiritus of the universe; Things have changed… Im seeing changes; positive changes…
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Im still extremely triggered from massive PTSD.. My deeper inner self is never present; Its from a war like condition of the past.. And Im in that war zone; Im like a guy that was in WW1; out in the battle field and the bombs 2 many times.. I never left it.. My inner self is always on alert from the past.
So; the prognosis is; Ill be disabled for the rest of my life; And I am. Nothing has changed from within. Well; thats not true; but that base of who I am has not changed; it remains; I remain ruptured and on high alert from within. And generally; I feel; the general victim of this will never function again….
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However; And then; Theirs me; SMILE!
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Because; not only the shrinks and therapists and psychologists and nut meds; All the years of theropy; I also; spent years in the recovery meetings…
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For someone almost completely disconnected from life and society; These meetings helped… I didn’t feel anything when I first started; I was not present… Within the years I started to wake up; it wasnt easy and the meetings were not safe; Anyone can come n go from the meetings; Lot of criminals at times and so one… narcissists and so one.. sociopath and at times stalkers… brain damaged people.
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At some point; I start opening up more n more; and I study how to open up again to people. My condition is much like someone who had a stroke. Ive had to relearn everything concerning the outside world… And I continue to learn from this day…
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God led me to start studying success based thinking processes; How to be a winner and how to Think and grow rich; This kind of thinking; I started this about 11-12 years ago; I really got hooked on it and never stopped; I still use it today all the time… I love this way of thinking; The law of attraction; manifestation and so on… believing Ill get something because I believe it before it shows up and so on… I write allot of stories about what I want before they show up….
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So; Here I am now….
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And where am I at right now;
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I have a good attitude… I believe; I have hope….
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This hope leads me on… I have a belief in my higher powers help and protection…..
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I have massive hope for my future; it just keeps getting better n better; But what does that mean?
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For a person like myself in the disabilities I have mentally; Just getting more connection to the outside world; being able to connect to the outside world in any form; This is big big achievement for me.
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However; To someone else; The inner achievements; the secret achievements Im making or receiving and or being willing to receive; The fact I can receive in the face of severe PTSD; this is a miracle and a gigantic monument of achievement; But for the outside world; Non of this would be of any value; or they would not have a personal investment like I do; with this kind of stuff… It means everything to me secretly; It means nothing to the general public…
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So; what is a big achievement for me; means nothing to the next guy….
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Heres the point; Im making achievements that are important to me…
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More n more Im practicing in the 12 step rooms with the people; whether personal conversational attempt or sharing at tables with others during the meetings; either way Im building back confidence and with much time n work; its working. And I could not be happier about it.
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But lets get something strait; secretly; with my mental disabilities; PTSD problems and dissociative disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobia and such; Its all personal; no one else may ever know what is ever really going on inside me accept me…
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In These rooms I practice with other human beings; I practice showing up; I practice chance taking with others… Its been a great place to go…
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HOWEVER: IS IT SAFE:
Well; Its more like the Wild Wild West….. Its not safe… U don’t know what your ever going to get… it can be safe… And at times its not; or its both. Some people are safe; some are not…
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Ive taken a chance….
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Ive brought up psych problems in meetings with no one in charge… No legal therapists.
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This is dangerous.. But Ive done it anyway; Ive taken allot of chances… I can get hurt.. Thats the point; letting to many people or the wrong people get to close and get within my PTSD realms; Im always taking chances in these places when I open up to people or gain more confidence and start talking to the women in these rooms…
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IN THE PRESENT;
After many years of slowly taking chances and gaining back lost experience; where I now feel a little more under my feet; I know feel like Im stronger at connection at basic levels with the outside world. Ive earned it… God is good And helping me… Thank You God! And Universe.
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So; here I am now… My goal is to finally take my psych problems to more traditional help.. meaning; therapists and I would now like to learn how to practice more with the general public; interacting with the general public and not the 12 step goups as much; with my varied problems..
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I feel like because I feel better practiced when talking to others and holding my own around others; I feel like I want to graduate to the outside world more… And that is now my goal…
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Im going through a transition back to society now; slowly; naturally….. Im over flowing into it.
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The people at the recovery meetings; the meetings themselves have acted as an interim between the theropists office and the outside world for me; And I would say. Its worked; Ive learned what I need to learn to feel safe again around the general public; Is it perfect; Now; Im still triggered and freaked out and cant let many get to close. However; regardless of my inner condition; Now; Im showing that I can still let others get close to me.
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The recovery person within is growing inspite of the broken pTSD person that is disabled within me; and that is great stuff…
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However; I need more traditional normal moral well educated people around me. I don’t need people from the Wild Wild west or lower level pathological street people as much anymore… Im starting to show signs of coming back on my own to middle general society… Im showing the ability to stand on my own to feet to handling the re connection process. Where this re connection process will Go? I don’t know; I havent ventured far with it; Ive learned to talk from the meetings to the back of the churches after the meetings and just hang out and talk; thats the best Ive done. And so; further then this; into the real world; I don’t know… But I think Im ready to find out. Ive had some social success of interaction and would like to take this concept to the people outside the meetings…
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HERES THE DEAL: Ive only known people in the 12 step meetings for 30 years and no others; Without these meetings; Im a stranger in a stranger land within the town I live in.
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These 12 step groups have acted as Half way Houses between the therapists n Nut Houses and Shrinks And the Outside world.
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NOW; I would like to meet new people and take chances with them; Out side the 12 step meetings…
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Im just practicing; and because of my dissociative condition; Im just practicing at basic level; No one else need to know….
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life for me is basic practice at things others take for granted. In the 12 step groups that can be safer or more understood then attempting this stuff in the outside world where others don’t understand recovery work; or may not even understand what or why I would be recovering or what Id be recovering from in the first place.
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The outside world can be an awful intimidating place… A place that is way over my head.
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So; I would say; Im looking for experiences someplace between the 12 step groups and the outside world; making steps upward and forward but not ready for the real world… I don’t have that kind of confidence….
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Secretly Im working on this; on my problems… Just to learn to survive… Thats all Im looking to do; survive out in the outside world… Amen…
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