July 2025
June 2025
Working toward the solution…
What solution am I looking for. Im looking to connect with my life that I come back to how I started… I started in a kind of middle class up bringing with middle class upbringing dreams…
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In reality; I was not brought up. I was housed; there is a difference. I didn’t belong to anyone accept God; no one cared about my schooling; and they never really cared about where I lived. I lucked out for a few years and happened to live in a nice house because my mother just happened to realize a house was close to her work; Thus; she wanted to walk to work; and that was the only reason she picked the neighborhood and house we lived in. Their was no consideration for me or my well being safety or upbringing; I didn’t exist; Neither did my brothers. My father was out of the picture; He had never been in the picture… I just didn’t know that. He would never really return ever. I was never really meet him or know him; he will be a complete stranger…
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I had middle class dreams. And I never gave those up.
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Im working on creating those dreams through God; and then connecting them back into myself where I was thrown away or torn away from self when young.
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A throw aways value has no interest to those throwing him away. I meant nothing to these people; nor did my life or dreams or future… Nothing…
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So…
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Here I am now after working the recovery process for a long time. Im slowly strengthening the connection process where it was torn out when young; This is all under Gods supervision; God is in control.
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WHERE AM I AT NOW:
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I have a large gap. I is getting smaller as I work on it; It must be filled in. Lets say its the classic gap created when child is thrown away from their home when young; its that area where one is torn apart; its a separation of self; This is a large brutal separation; a place where a person is separated from culture; from civilization… From being part of anything or anyone's life; including the concepts of family.
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And I want my life back inline again with life with civilization; with family… with culture with middle classism and its values.
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I don’t know how it will happen; but first things first; First the gap must lessened until clear progress indicates many pathways and bridges and walkways have been stretched and created from where Im at over that desert; that desert of desolation and cultural disfigurement forced isolation; a place of no connection; a place of nothingness; homelessness spinning in sand; A place of no feedback and tall beaming walls that fall one around keeping him out of everything. Never starting on anything… always separated…
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A gap exists; Im working on that God through God so I can start over…
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Getting closer; But not there. Ive got things to face that are way over my head; still to much pain; way to deep; but can be overcome and on the other side is freedom.
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I feel like The May-Flower sailing ship months before it came to America… When it was out to sea. The only thing that could be seen might be floating wood debris from a dead tree; and or finally maybe the spotting of birds in the air; This meaning land was near.. But not yet; Not for a very long time. Still many areas to cross; but closer… Meaning; the Ship was on This side; the side of the American continent getting closer; relative to the land masses it came from… It means its getting close… Maybe by hundreds of miles. Still a long way off; but closer…
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And this describes my life slowly working through the Debris of the past. This means where I was encased in lies and cocooned; I become free first of the lies and the safety they created and then I want to crawl out anyway I can…
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Thats where Im headed; I remember.. but Im not strong enough; I don’t own myself yet…
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So; Went to a meeting; Did good… Im starting to open up and change or want to; under God because the time I now! So; its starting.
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The people in the meetings now about my social anxiety problems and AVPD… As for further deeper stuff; Not really…
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So; Im starting to tell people; I make a thousand mistakes; Im blind; Ill just have to deal with each one and fix them as I create them…
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I have no self esteem; Nothing; I mean; Why would I even think I did considering my mental health problems; addiction issues of the past at times; real but more potential… IT could have been so much worse; but it was caught early in both cases… I still did a real bit of slamming on my brain from drugs… Had psychosis when young for several years; paranoia; It weakened my mind… it just added to the catastrophic situation..
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So; when dealing with any people; I don’t feel good enough; I mean; why would I… I have massive mental health problems; I mean; why would I think there is something wrong with me that is out of the ordinary; Its ordinary for me not to have any self esteem; why would I have any… it is not dis ordinary for me not to have any self worth or self esteem around all people; not with my background.
So. Ill have to deal with it as is and stop expecting anything of myself in those areas that don’t exist. I truly have to learn how to be myself…
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