July 2025
June 2025
Women/a girlfriend/a Wife…
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Im guessing if God gets me to the right well spring of decent innocent type women; The type that appreciate someone like me; and they know God and are under Gods sovereign state… They are God fearing… They are under Gods care and light… Then…..
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So; with the right type of women; Things are possible.
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Im weak in personality strength; More willing; but with dissociative disorder; smashed up and obliterated; but with God all things are possible…
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Many things have come back; signs are showing potential..... Like seeing land from a ship fare off in the ocean...
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Music appears; seems to be aligning; Im writing a piece; simple piece for piano; Ive written it; its a basic practice piece…
However; I appear to have the mind now to be willing to do what it takes to memories the notes on the page and practice that piece until Ive got that thing down… I mean memorized… Like a mathematician taking a math test memorized.
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4 parts of the process; Create/practice/memorize/perform….
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The Practice segment was missing because my mind and willingness to believe was missing; and the large amount of PTSD that show’d up in me kept me unable.
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However; with much work and God and willingness; it looks like Im willing to do what it takes to learn the notes on the staff; I didn’t realize but I did; I didn’t know half of them. And I never really knew any of their placement well… Mental illness grabbed me many years ago; and I stopped learning anything or proceeding forward…
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Im like a rustic 40 year beginner at music. Ive had some training and potential and interest; But unfortunately no mastery because I was never in reality to accomplish anything… My mind has been to weak; I haven't been here…
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Now; Things have changed. Now; after working through many things of the past; suddenly many things have opened up for me; And having the belief and the willingness and faith in God; I believe I will follow through learning those notes on the staff by name to the point of no hesitation; Ill know where they are and their names just by looking at them; I am working on it now.
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I realize; and its hard; I may have to run through each note and each chord on that little song I wrote; I may have to run through it slowly learning it note by note; it may take me 1000 times before it finally sticks… If that; maybe 2000 times; Better get started… Ill do what I have to do over no over n over until this song becomes present inside of me and I know it by heart. I have no idea how long it will take to learn it…
I know Im willing to start with the memorization of it in general; the notes so I can practice it; I will be practicing it from paper; notated music; score music; So I am sight reading actually; over n over n over until its learned…
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I was never willing to do this before; until I realized; I cant; I could go no further with anything in my life… I could not go any further… I could do nothing… I just could do nothing with my mind; All ive been able to do is mountain bike… But that was a start. Now things have changed…
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Right now; Im learning the notes on the page; How long will that take me; 3 months? So be it! What ever it takes Im enthusiastic about it.
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I am enthusiastic about it; I know through work ethic it will happen because of my strong work ethic belief… Its all kind of new but its actually from my early childhood hopes and dreams never realized. Now; They are becoming realized…
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So; As Ive written in other blogs; My music stuff has slowed way way down but its become focused more with real purpose…
I plan to create real songs with lyrics and piano pieces I can play; and electronic music exploration I can play in front of others as an Art form; And Guitar song writing… Finished products… .
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My version of classical music creations… Ive learned a little theory from my years in school; 100 years ago….
So….
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That one element Ive mentioned in other blogs; the ability to memorize and practice; its coming about…
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NOTE: Most important realization; Im not learning anything the first time. When it comes to learning the notes; I may have to go over them 100 times before anything even begins to stick; This concept is new to me; but its not; but actually participating in it is new for me! This is how I wanted to be when very young; but my mind was wiped out… And dissociating everything…
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Here I am now; Old; but its all good; really! And now; Its happening for me ( After much work). How am I concerning performing; Im fine! I worked through that enough… Small beginning pieces... Something real tho....
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How am I about creating music now; IM Oke. It looks like ive got enough practice; I can create something workable for the public… I can create a decent piece for performance; Good enough… good enough for a small banquet invite in a small town… oKe… Good enough I think; interestingly enough.
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So; technically; that means I can become a composer; Yes; of minor humble means; but technically yes! So; I am inline with that… So; we will see if I can pass the varied tests to get to that level; And so fare; the biggest test would be the memorization/sight reading/ and practicing of the piece and then further; complete memorization of the piece for performance…. Is this possible; I would say; yes; on all fronts; Im willing to do this I believe; and Ive been showing up for that…. So; here I am.
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Money; Ill be working with God and the laws of attraction to learn how make money for myself where Im at in my life for food and clothing and other things; to add on…. And music and bike equipment stuff…. Computer stuff. Just means minor stuff like raking leaves or something basic; I don’t know; just working with God on this subject so I can mature within it…
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WOMEN;
This unfortunately is the hardest hit area; Relationships. Ive never been with a quality person… And I have to say; That is not their fault it is mine… Thats what the 12 step system tells me.
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However; Their was 1 girl once; Took her out when I was about 19; She was a very intellectual girl… And probably the right one; But I was so hardened from what I had gone through… I lost so much of my life by that time…
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WOMEN;
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This is the hardest area…
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All other areas have come back to some degree; but not women. They are to far out there.. My personality is not strong enough to be something Im not….
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So; God will have to get me to the right type of people. Thats all I know; and safe people…
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I have to be around decent people. God knows what that means…
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I will continue to work on the past….. And Im doing a good job; consistently working on it; its slow going tho…
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My belief comes from my 12 step groups; If Im willing to work on it; it will always materialize if I work for it… That is my new work ethic; it comes from the promises in the 12 steps from one of my groups; its the last thing mentioned; and God has created it as a trust factor me to rely on… and I am; I use it to keep working at things… and I am and Im learning…
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So;
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The work ethic and the music creation seem to be headed in a real positive productive situation; something real is materializing I think; We will see; We will see if I can keep working at it consistently like I wish.
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Women; The last enigma…
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A gap resides between where Im at and women…
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A gap resides because I have not let go of the past yet…
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I have worked on it. I have some shortcomings concerning it!
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I cant let go of some people; Im working on it.
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Ive used those people within my head as surrogate fake relationships. co dependent on imaginary people from the past.
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Ive not needed relationships; Ive lived of the false relationships in my head; they have been so strong and developed; its like having a TV set in my head to go to to relive fake nonsense Ive created around people of the past; Ive literally lived their… No need to live now in the present; no point…
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Ive gotten so used to living off the past; I don’t know anything else; if one takes this away from me; Ill literally have nothing; Ill be completely alone on all sides… And my mind is already weak. So; the more I work on this; the more fearful I get of being alone…
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However; if I stop; and get out of the past; God will have something to work with in the present to get me the relationship development I need and want in the present; For today Im working under God; However; there is a problem…
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Im not entirely honest; For I live a double life; one in the present one in the past; and thus God cant work with a 2 faced person in my condition; He can but the universe has principles..
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God has let me know; I have to keep working at this; keep creating 4th steps; ( Who was the problem; What did they do; How did I feel about it; And what is my role in it); all on paper.
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“ What is my role in it); That is the most important thing… Because I only want to get to know myself and what ive done and why… and how to change that behavior so I can become a new person.
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But; this will take time; lots of it for me to forget the past. Ive done well so fare; However; I can tell this next segment of cleaning house; This will be plenty hard on my mind… Im going into a mind of damage; Mind damage… personality damage…. And so its ripped to pieces…
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So; this is not going to be easy; My mind is trying to protect itself…
I will continue to work on it…
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A gap resides between me and women. I will continue to work on that gap with God. Its kind of like being to beat up and to immature for any relationships; Also; technically ive never had one before; Ive never gone out with the girl next door; Nothing; no decent relationships with anyone.
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unfortunately when young; it was simply deplorable; Im not even sure why! The people I dated were weirdo's at the bottom of the barrel. Im not even sure how I attracted them; but now I know I was not protecting myself or did I consider any standards to work toward in the real world.
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I really got stuck with some gruesome people. I never really understood until being in the 12 groups; and then after working the steps numerous times I began to realize I was attracting those people because I never said no to them…. I did not protect myself and get to higher ground!
And I never questioned what I was doing around them in the first place; I never questioned if they were nice people or not; I just assumed… And thats because Im a nice guy… But I was never around nice people.
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Maybe God can change that for me… Finally… All of this work is to get me up to speed for that purpose; to be present within myself at that place of wanting it; Wanting again to be around only nice people… and Ill take no less… but Im not their yet; not sure I even trust that process… That I can trust myself at all; Im very dissociated from reality and weak…
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I have to work at things long enough to stop being a victim in mentality concerning society and relationship and money and many other things; I have to grow up and want to grow into a new person with confidence…
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Im so damaged tho….
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Soo…..
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Ill keep working with God on things…
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