July 2025
June 2025
GOALS:
I have several Goals and they are aligned with God.
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Wife; Family; Children; Marriage..
House
Car
Music room or studio/drum room; Drumming
Money;
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Activities;
The ability to have full functioning back to create in; Music; Art: Writing… And performing. The ability to learn guitar or play it as a main or secondary instrument…
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Mountain biking; Having this back and up to speed.
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Occupation
Vacation
Education
Hobbies
Callings
Purposes…
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Where am I at in all of these goals.
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First; Many of the ACTIVITY goals are completed that needed restoration; In fact; I have nothing I need to report right now concerning Activities; Im function well in all areas right now under Gods care concerning Activities.
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Relationships;
What has been accomplished….
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1. General friends; Guy friends; Yes; Im back; its not perfect but almost together; well on my way…
2. Im also able to be resourceful and meet new friends and make new friends; it takes work but Im much more able; or spontaneous with new people.
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Im working on the next segment of my goals right now; Relationships. Im working on finding a wife; when I find her she will be my interest then my friend and girlfriend and go from there. So.
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Question; What am I looking for right now to accomplish; what is my goal; GIRLFRIEND… Romantic Girlfriend… complete. That is my number one goal right now. Anything less in this category; and it wont do… it has to be complete…. That is my goal and number one goal right now. Im now in the age or time of having and finding that girlfriend…
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What I want in a women; 2025
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History; Ive attracted beautiful women all my life; since age 19. These are women in looks between 8-10. Ive had 10’s before. Its been this way all my life. Im an old man now.
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Its done no good to be one of these guys who attracts these women. All I ever wanted was a girlfriend that liked me or missed me or choose’d me; they liked me for who I am and what I meant to them.
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Meaning; I meant something to them; They wanted to see me when they got up in the morning; because I meant something to them; or; they would miss me in their heart and soul.
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I wanted a womens heart. Its never happened; Unfortunately; Ive had everything else; every mans fantasy; 10000000 times…
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Guys like me attracted everyone everywhere I went. Id did me no good; It just freaked me out.
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The problem is; I could have anyone every man dreams of or is attracted to; But no one that actually sincerely liked me; someone whom I one their heart and they naturally wanted to hang out with me because we are best friends to go with it.
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As an old man; It dies; the physical attraction from women; Its still here but nothing like when I was a younger man… And thats OK.
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1. Ive had 10000000 girls like me; All the most beautiful girls of any community; but no one that liked me as a person; no one. SO; I could sleep with these girls anytime I want or marry them; but after awhile; why bother; their behavior is so atrocious; whats the point… They are literally relational Pathological.. They violate basic boundaries that let me know someone is safe or dangerous. They are spoiled and think they are above the normal rules of interaction when it comes to courting someone or dating or romance.. And very quickly I have no value for them.. They are weirdos in my opinion; and literally act retarded out of line. They are bossy idiots who think they are above moral societal laws. They want to be the center of attention.
Ive had a few psychopaths that look like the old style miss Universe; When the requirements was looks for them to win. They seemed sincere; but; what is the point. Why would I want to go out with a psychopath for; for what!
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In a real sense; Ive had no one; Ive never had a girlfriend; not in the traditional sense because I never went out or attracted a normal girl; I never worked at it or went in that direction…
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Now; I would like to have a girl that actually likes me.
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NOTE: Its a real trap; I like love beautiful women just like the next guy; I still want that dream girl; but my dream girl is a combination of personality and looks; not just looks. ITS A REAL TRAP; to fall into.
I see a women that fits all the categories; But alas; shes not interested or I get ghosted; or she doesn’t have the personality aspect shes not interested in sharing that part of herself with me; Thus; indicating Im on the wrong front with the wrong people.
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So; The idea is to find myself First; with the right kind of people and then find a girlfriend from those groups.
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WHAT IM FINDING; The kind of girlfriend Im looking for would be from a Geology group or Astronomy group or physics or something. Introverted intellectual groups. The problem from the past; I never felt I had any credentials to fit into those groups. So; Im finding tho; thats where I fit. Im in introvert… and intellectual. Thats where Im going to find my women.
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My ideal women is a treky. Someone into Star trek that goes to the Start Trek conventions. And has a masters degree in physics or something.
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Ive unfortunately found that anywhere else; I really am not appreciated as boyfriend material by anyone one else.
Artist composer writer; These areas of the Arts are also places I should visit…
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Ive found in many groups of people in life; I was never appreciated. I was not valued. Even tho I was present with people; they saw nothing in me. I was looked over. Even if it seemed they were actually looking for someone with value; they never saw me and I was right next to them; thus indicating they had a lack of character development. And this is a sign of the type of people; I need to get away from…
So; restructuring is of the day right now; Social restructuring.
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Its to bad; I cant have my cake and eat it to…
The type of women Im interested in; Ill find in intellectual crowds; I don’t think Im going to find them anywhere else.
THE ROMANTIC DELUSION: I was hoping to find broken beautiful women to date who I would save and they would appreciate me; That never happened. I found them; they were attracted to me; but their behavior turned out to be so horrendous their was no possibility for any association with them right from the beginning. In numerous cases; I would not even consider sex or any physical closeness; they were simply atrocious people; not safe; their behavior unacceptable.
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BEAUTIFUL WOMEN;
Its easy to be fooled when Im attracting beautiful women; its hard for any man to say no to this. However; Beauty alone was not enough to ever allow me to move forward with these people; I would pull back first sign of trouble; and with Beautiful women; the crowd of the most beautiful women in any group; They were always trouble. Because of their behavior problems; I never go anywhere… I could or would go no further.
The times I have; I would show my inner self; that I was a human being; and once doing this; I would get ghosted. Its actually really sickening; these type of people. They have their looks going for them but nothing else.
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Im finally starting to wake up and work with God to make it back to my real tribe of intellectual people. I think thats where I really fit in; introverted intellectual people; Im not appreciated anywhere else.
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Its strange not being appreciated. Its like Being someone of value right in front of someone; and they don’t see it; their always looking for the perfect person; Im right in front of them but they never bother to see it.
Finally working with God; Im starting to get the message; My wife will never come from those “ GOOD LOOKING ONLY CROWDS”. Its just never happened for me in those places… Ill have to continue to work with God to uncover more educated intellectual people that value me.
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Ive found that really good looking women had no value or interest in my internal self. It seemed they were much shallow; and could go no further then shallow; even if they may have had an inner self they wanted connected to; They were never looking for someone like me to connect to; they might have been interested in me sweeping them off there feet for the thrill of it But they were never accepting me as someone to bring into their family and have a relationship with; Even tho Im on my knees to God 100 times a day. Goofy people.
This might be a bigger sign that Ive been hanging around the wrong pond from the beginning; and the only help Im going to get is to go to a bigger pond with more sophisticated fish when I throw my net in to catch a wife.
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Working with God tho; God is taking advantage of those women Im around right now; the people in general right now to help me grow and get the experiences I need to grow upward and develop. Its a very painful ordeal and can be humiliating; but my inner child is getting authentic experience; and thats what counts. It will all help to get me back on the right track again…
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In real sense Im just the same boy I was when young who was shy who never had a girlfriend. I never had one. I never socially found one or was social enough meet someone I might actually like who was a half way decent; Girl Next Door. Its never happened.
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Im very much like a guy who has never had a girlfriend; A girl I actually created a relationship with that liked me; needed me; missed me; a special relationship where I was special to them. Never happened and never developed; Ive never been special to anyone.
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I never developed with with anyone. Thats half the poblem if not all of it. I never went off and found someone special for myself; someone God had in mind to be with me for the rest of my life.
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Its an interesting strange life. I attract a millions girls for all the wrong reasons… No one ever actually liked me for me.
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So; no one liked me for me….
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One of the main problems; Im an introvert and never learned how to get a girlfriend; nothing.
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I want a girl that actually misses me or thinks about me…
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The real me has been a person who has never attracted a real person that liked him; and this; because I never went off and learned how to come out of my shell and actually learn how to have a girlfriend; a real one that liked me for me… someone special that thought I was special.
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I tried; I tried when young; I wanted a girl that actually depended on me because I was special to her heart; but it never happened.
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I have to work with God for this to happen.
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The problem is; I never actually went after any girls myself; any women… I never had to define what I was looking for and actually go after them; and go through the trial and tribulations to find them meet them and hang on to them. I didn’t have to.
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I was bombarded so heavenly by beautiful women all the time; I was drowned in them.
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These girls attract men because of their looks; but they have not much else… They do not have anything else…. In the end they are an empty waist of time for someone looking for a serous relationship; someone to have a future with. Completely empty…
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Attracting beautiful women is like eating cake made out of sawdust. It looks good on the outside; but theirs nothing on the inside.
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If I want things to change; I have change them myself with the help of God.
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Ive never had my life together; Ive always been destroyed and never wanted to be alive. In this state of deplorability; Ive had every women that looks like Miss America hit on me; What a bizarre life this has been? A wasted life.
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Im sure God has a women picked out for me to be my wife. And Now; Im looking for her. Im looking for her for the first time since age 14.
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Im an old man; I still attract women. Nothing like when young; but I still attract them.
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The last women that seriously showed interest was a few weeks ago; a month ago; She was in her late 20’s or 30 years old; Another beautiful girl… She really appeared to have a real interest in me; but alas; Nothing! After a few texts and a phone call; When it was apparent I wanted a real relationship with someone; someone I could talk to or get to know; NOTHING! I Was ghosted…
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And theirs a few others…. But its not worth bringing their potential up the surface; no point; its all nothingness….
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Here I am for the first time; actually capable of working with God the hard-way and learning a real girlfriend that might actually like me. Im starting from scratch; Ive never met her don’t know who she would be; But I have to approach this whole thing.
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I have to learn how to get a girlfriend like everyone else.
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I mean; I have to learn how to get a real girlfriend for myself; for my own self worth.
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The real true innocent me; the innocent teenager in me; the sensitive introvert in me has never ever ventured out to have a girlfriend; or anything else.
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So; this will be the first time for this innocent decent part of me to move beyond the protection zones within self and get a real girlfriend; its hard; its like anyone else….. I have to work at it…
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Im capable today; maybe for the first time ever in life.
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I believe God is and has been showing me how to prepare myself for the love of my life; someone I can marry. I know its coming; I just don’t know whom… Yet. But I imagine they are already with me and my children that I would have with them. I imagine it everyday. I can see her in my imagination now; as if she is so close to me; I always see her in a Wedding gown smiling and laughing and eating wedding cake.. As if we were just married or right before it; that marriage day; Ive fallen into that frequency. And its continues to grow and grow and Grow. I cant see her face; I don’t know who she is; but its rising; the frequency and Im rising right now to meet it.
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Im getting the skills and insights to find those skills and the teachers of those skills; the universe is supplying the insights for directions to find the teachers of the skills I need to raise my frequency to meet the wife that is looking for me or that I am attracting.
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Im attracting a wife at a specific frequency; Now; I have to meet her at that frequency. I have to raise the vibration to that higher level of vibration frequency I will find her on.
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This is all Im working on right now! Im working on relationship stuff for the purpose of long term romantic relationship or marriage under God; A Wife and Children and Family.
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I have help; Several sponsor people are helping me on a weekly basis and I have lots of support groups.
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NOTE: Im very much like a 4 or 5 year old; or 6 year old or 9 year old; YES: 9 Year old. Who for the first time; wants a real friend.
And working with God; will work to find one.
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So; This internal innocent me; has never had a girlfriend…
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SO; what Im trying to say is; The last development I had with the idea of girlfriends was a girl I knew in second grade who I took her books and carried her books home from school… I asked her to the Dog show… And we went to the Dog Show in second grade. And that was the last of the development of self concerning relationships for me; any kind of romantic relationships.. it all ended about 8 years old; it never got further. A few years later I will be destroyed and in survival mode and many other mental problems from trauma. The real me will be dislocated deep somewhere within self hidden for survival; so deep; I will not know where he is.
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And its only been recently that he has felt safe enough to surface and work with God; but he has; Ive had tremendous amounts of recovery help for such things to happen and support.
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NOTE; As for women; Ive had a few typical pretty girls show up around me; its all meant nothing; But; Because Im working with God and sponsors on this issue of a wife. God as been leading this small child in me on new experiences where Im interacting with women; for this child in me; this inner child to get some experiences; And he is under God and collecting experiences he is. However; The girls Im inner acting with have no idea Im working with God to get experience to get my inner child grown up to meet a wife. Thus; many times these girls betray me or act out on me in a way that is unforgivable. Meaning; certainly I can forgive them easily under Gods care and I do; but it means they have no real meaning in my life and Ill move on from them and forget all about them; they were never safe or decent for me to associate with in the first place; But they were used by God to service my inner childs ability to develop and grow.
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That inner child within me is getting allot of growth right now.
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NOTE: WARNING THO; I have been suicidal from to much of this; for the last several months; Suicide is a real problem for me; once I get triggered; its a serious situation for me and I have to stop everything and pull back and go back to my cave.
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Im now strong enough for this internal innocent boy to come outward and look for a girlfriend; a real girlfriend that God is sending me. Its a horrible allotment of work and I have to earn every movement upward of frequency to attract her or find her.. That is my lot in life right now; that is my goal right now.
I have people Im working with to help me on this… Im not alone; And I have a very deep dependency working relationship on God for direction and help on this.
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Im simply trying to align with my inner being because my inner being knows who this ( future women) is and where I can find her.
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God is helping me right now on this most lonely venture of finding a wife… Its a hardcore deal… one of the hardest things Ive ever done of its kind; its a very heart rendering lonely trudging experience; its like walking through the Valley of death alone… Until I find her… And all of this is under Gods care and supervision; I am not alone. I report to a sponsor weekly; all my findings on this stuff…..
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So; the inner child in me never got developed; and has never surfaced to be part of anything part of life. I was 2 weak… and it was never safe.
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Now; under Gods care; maybe that can change; and maybe I can get back in alignment and on the right road for some kind of decent life again and be back on the right pathway to a wife and family; the way I was suppose to when young.
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SO WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW>
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1. Im getting my mountain biking back in order; Im starting to come out of monk mode again….
2. Hobbies; My plastic model kits back together… Using my plastic model kits… again; getting things set up again…
3. Getting my place cleaned up.
4. Ill continue to work with my sponsor on the next steps of interactions with women; I have been getting better; opening up and being myself. And I need much more work in this area; I have been withdrawn and out of it..
5. Ill have to continue to take chances with beautiful potential women; what I think is potential women; to open up my feelings to them and let them know what I want; And I do this because Sunny Jesus wants me to; is directing me to. However; Im aware that in these circles; I will be lied to or ghosted probably. I wont find what Im looking for in the crowds of people Im associating with… But I will get the next level of experience I need; and thats what counts…. They are rude disgusting people. But; the experience is priceless.
6. Finding my way to new more appropriate groups for finding the wife God is sending me…
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7. losing weight; need to get rid of 20 pounds. I can do this; but it requies sacrifice to start with. Ill keep slowly building my mind set up for such things.
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8. Stay working with God….
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