July 2025
June 2025
Slowly changing;
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Changing into a new person.. changing into new person under God… Slowly heading back to original identity from childhood. Can see it from a long way off; distance. Can feel it.
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I can see it in my mind; the pull; but Im blocked; and God is working on those blocks. The key is; God is creating where Im at now; to get stronger and stronger; at some point I over run the need for the blocks; as I become more secure in my full self; what ever that means…
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Many beginning are occurring with a much needed and better attitude toward participation of what is needed.
Im beginning to be believe and am being swayed positively in becoming and am participating in beginning; “ Im a Do’r “; not just a philosopher… Im going back to the way I used to be when very young; before I ever thought anyone owed me anything for any adventure or direction in my life.
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My relationship with God is the #1 relationship I have. And Im showing signs of bowing down completely at several concepts; the goal is to strengthen this and continue to bow down to God on all concepts…
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Im starting to feel an outline and because I can feel it; I can see those feelings in a 3/D version of myself… Im seeing it and feeling it; its marred tho; its not present; but some of it is… This concerns how I interaction and have success in society. Im starting to see myself in society and Im starting to see the possibilities of success and interests in society.
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Im more believing now then most of my long life…
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This is essential; as many people don’t get this far. I get to live and do this gig again… Im starting out as is; as I am again; as I was at 5 years old; Its starting again with relatively no past… basically no past.. Not the first 25 years of it; I get to do it all over again.
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And the preliminary work; The “ pre” work for this is at hand right now; its happening right now… Many fields of interest are opening up… and Im curiously wondering down those pathways with my imagination and from their real results are spinning over into my reality.. However; this reality is contained into my apartment; basically nothing in the world outside my apartment; not yet; for that is a third level reality.
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The first foundation is created in my imagination; where I learn to believe under God; Next these desires are manifested into a foundation from my imagination into my apartment… Where a new foundation is created and then I practice from my imagination to the apartment and back n fourth strengthening and experiencing and learning.
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When this is solid; And under God; Ill start taking this; the first few steps; Outside my apartment; but that will not be for a long while…
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Im learning the reality of where my mind has been; its not been present for a long long time. So; much work ahead for me….. And thats all oK.
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The goal;
Working with God; Ill learn to do things for my goals and desires and wont complain about them. Ill have a much better attitude about things… For no one owes me a thing. This Is my private gig; its between me and God and no one else… Thus; how could anyone owe me anything..
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Ill have much to learn about survival.
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IM NOT THERE YET!
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I wish; I desire to explain; explain where Im at. I would say I can see desires of interest and I half believe they can actually come about; I have enough faith in myself through God that I will follow through because Ive been following through with God on little things for a long time; struggling However; its working…
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Its about dissociating out of reality Im now working on coming back to reality; Not there yet; the plan has landed but ive not explored much yet; That is the next segment of this experience under God…
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Im more willing with God… much more… and working it; but not completely bowed yet.
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Ive made inroads into and through dissociation right back into my life. But my mind is hitting cross roads in my dissociative state; so it gets confusing…
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I want more control of my life right here right now.
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I still have to work through things of the past…
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NOTE;
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Never had a car; I bought with my own money and figured out for myself or financed myself; ME and GOD!
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Never had a girlfriend… Not a nice decent person I was full looking for under God where Im ready to be someones boyfriend… Just never had a real girlfriend; nothing.
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Never been married
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Never had a career,…
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Never had skill desires and followed through with anything; Interests in outer space Astronomy and telescopes
Interest in drumming
Interests in music composition
Interests in writing…
Interests in acting…
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Never had a house…
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Not sure I ever really had a wardrobe of clothing I liked and procured and thus, learned to take care of…
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Not sure Ive ever had a spic n span cleaned apartment… ever; actually organized and cleaned…
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Never had my own vacations spots I visited on a regular bases…
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Never had a family.
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Ive been protecting myself from ages 5 on; I stopped growing and stayed locked down in my own world until recently believing I can move beyond it again and start over or where I left off when age 5,6,7.
My mind is seeing the outside world as safe again for me; under Gods sovereign state… Under God things are happening…
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Ive missed every social event a nice child like me would have experiences as a child and adolescent and teen and young adult; Never experienced anything… Non of that… nothing ever.
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What I did do instead of being part of things? I pulled back and stayed safe; I did do those things…
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Ive never made money before; Nothing; Ive been hiding in my own world most of my life… hiding in my room.
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Never made real relationships or real friends; I thought I did but I didn’t; I thought I did but I didn’t; However; did find out I had some authentic friends from the south side; I did actually have some people who thought about me and wondered about me; and wondered what happened to me from childhood; So; God let me know their were some people who actually saw me or new I was alive or had worth; at-least to them.
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Been impossible to follow through with anything; I mean; right from the beginning of something; Something would happen and Id be ripped away from a situation and never really get started again.
Or; maybe I would try something new; only to be so immature that I would get ran over in numerous ways in the real world by people savior or more experienced then I am…
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Note; Do I have a chance;
YES!
With a sigh of relief? YES!
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In Fact; its looking O so probable!
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However; that is not the problem; the problem is; Im still in dissociated mode from a very young childhood age and I shut off almost immediately on many subjects of interest; lots of trauma and horror associated with life itself; Thus; many area of being present or just being present is the trigger.
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I am getting better and will continue to get better…
And God is helping me get better….
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So; I wish I had a way of describing what is going on here… The good news!
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Im finally seeing a new life.. The possibilities; Im finally coming back; coming back to reality. I say that because inroads have already shown up and Its already spilling from fantasy foundations within my imagination into my apartment thus creating new foundations in that realm… And this means its aligning correctly with the universe and God and my inner being… I can tell because in the real world where I needed to pull these things off appears to feel accurate… Im not avoiding or fantasizing unrealistic concepts… Im working with God; trusting.
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A philosophical example of doing things right…
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Under God; lets say I wanted to step outside and participate at something; So; Ill use lawn mowing as an example.
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How do I know this is right and going outside is set up correctly for me or Im setting it up correctly for myself and within my mind.
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So;
I would see the need for a lawn mower and a working one…
I would see the need for money for the lawn mower and the creation of pathways; God pathways to get that money… and this concept of Pathway money would have been worked out and matured by this time; I would have already worked on it and accepted my role in life for many making under God…
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I would need to asses the grass Im cutting; I would need gas for that mower… Id need the side basket for the clippings I would need bags and place to put the bag of clippings… Id need to be in some kind of physical shape to push the mower… I would need the right time for it and attitude… And I would have had to follow through on these concepts of going outside from my apartment and attempting things and being present in the real world…
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Im not sure if all of this is making any sense; I don’t know… But its my attempt at showing That Im becoming. Im becoming that mowing guy in nature; meaning; Im becoming him before I ever go outside.. And that is truly happening; This is not fantasy; Ive worked hard and Im becoming. Im becoming what I set out to be or find.
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If Im at a place of finding a wife; Thus; God has taken me down numerous pathways of experience to become husband material for whom ever God wants for for a wife…
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Its getting easier to become something and smoothly transition into it from my neutral position in my apartment…
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If I wanted to become a singer and a singer at the community college; Im in a much better position to attempt this and believe its worthwhile and possible; and I believe I can be trusted to finish the classes or class work I started. I believe I can believe at some point Ill do good job as a student….” Ill try; Ill put out effort to try”. Regardless of the type of classes; singing or mathematics. Ill be a solid good student… Im believing more n more Ill be responsible for my home work and the class and the studying to get good grades… and any extra study to work through the understandings of the class; I will have become a good student…
Is this making sense; Ive kind of already proved some of this; enough of this… Ive been showing and proving in small ways; Ive been proving I can be faithful in small things; and its graduating into bigger things slowly but this concept is showing up.
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AND ALL OF THIS IS GOOD! HOWeVER!
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Im still in dissociative protective mode; Im still disabled; One need not ever forget that… Im still far far away from the reality I believe most normal people experience on a daily functional production moment out in living-space-world.
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Here are the goals;
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Money
work
wife family
House
Car
vacation
vocation
Hobbies
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The point being; its about me coming back to sanity and learning how to trust again and think again and be appreciative again;
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Not be spoiled; but accept who I am and what I want… purpose in life.
Who am I; what am I suppose to be doing in life….
How to make money; ummm….. Trusting God….
Relationships; Getting to a point of being able to be in a relationship….
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So; its about coming back to life… and living again as is… as I am… learning how to function in society and have goals…
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Performing music compositions…
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Waking up…
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Keep working with God to break through…
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What Im trying to say here….
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Im getting better; Im no sane or awake and sober… Not perfect… still deeply traumatized..
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Im starting to see what normal people do when their young. Im starting to wake up to it a bit.
Im appreciating the idea of having money through the appreciation of it and working toward it as a goal as if no one owes me anything.
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However; Im holy appreciative of this; I don’t know how God is going to bring things about; I don’t know.
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I appreciate having some goals; However; I don’t now how any of those “ What is my purpose in life goals”; Im not sure what this means or how or what the purpose is yet… Ill keep working with God on it…
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Wife/Family; Same thing; Can see myself coming back to things; but what does that mean in the real worlds sense at this point in my like; How is this pulled off.
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What is my role in it; meaning; what am I suppose to do right now to help myself in all of these areas of interest… Amen..
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