June 2025
May 2025
.
Blog;
.
.
Where am I now.
.
Slowly getting to know God and work with God to strengthen me; to come back To learn how to handle reality.
I can see reality; Im sober minded in many ways; still broken and weak. My ability to deal with reality is still very weak but Ive made friends… Im awake but very weak; all those mental break -downs through my younger years. Im trying to work through them so I can live again and face or deal with reality. Im able to face reality more without dissociation; well; Im dissociating but Im also able to be in reality. So; Im learning to accept.. its just that my mind is so weak to participate in life; Thats why Ive needed such help.
.
As much help as I can get! Even; to do the most basic human things…
.
.
Strengthening of the personality in day to day life; dealing with Day to Day life… Being able to handle the mental pressures of life… of being present…
.
Thats what Im working toward…
.
Im also working toward my goals… Goals that are similar to anyone else I guess…
.
.
My participation in interests seems to be getting of a more solid nature… Im more present and participating… Im kind of Re-habilitationing.
.
My life is about Re-habilitationing…
.
My decisions are about rehabilitation…
.
My doing Oke; I mean; Im doing well considering… Im not sure thats the right terminology but I think it is…
.
.
I have Stalkers from meetings to deal with; Take in front of the courts… My mind has been weak and dealing with internal issues so Ive delayed doing anything about this problem. Ive tried to avoid it. But they are still bothering me… So; I have to take them to court… Its not easy calling the police; its like an unknown… and Im not sure what will happen… However; its a police matter…. So… Ill have to. Sucks!
.
.
My goal is to work on my stories of a new life as if I already have it…
.
BELIEFS;
.
What are beliefs;
Beliefs are things I tell myself; after telling myself the same thing several thousand times; I start to believe it because Ive told myself the same story thousands of times…
.
NOTE; I have allot of bad and useless beliefs to be changed back into positive beliefs under God; but this will take much much work; Better get to work; start writing those stories about what I want as if its already happened; thousands of them; so I can believe. Visualizing… Make Vision board of what I want…
.
The beginning of getting what I want is when I believe. God pathways can be opened up to what I want… God can do this… set in motion the opportunities for the things I truly believe I will get…
.
For example.
If I truly believe Im getting a truck; pathways will become open for it; Including the gas money and maintenance and licensing insurance payments. All of these things need to be taken to God to create a world around getting these things. . believing these things…
.
NOTE; I used to get mad because I didn’t have things; but I never believed I had them or could get them. This type of work for success based thinking; this is helping me with the first step of believing; I have to learn to believe first…
.
.
So; The idea is to write stories; thousands of times of the way I want things in my life as if theyve already happened. Ill write these stories so many times; at some point I start to believe it; I believe I am what Ive been writing about…
.
So;
Lets say I have the kind of wife I want; ( If thats even safe in 2024); I danno…
Lets say I want a truck or a house; Or more money for things like clothing and food or gas and insurance for that truck when it shows up.
Goals of participating in my callings of art…
A family…
What about education; taking more classes of interest…
.
None of this happens if I don’t believe; This stuff happens when I believe; when I can accept to receive when God wants to give… and when Im at the equal frequency of what I want to attract… I attract what I am… If I want something high level; I need to work with God to become high level; to feel high level; that way if Im aligned with my inner being; and the universe and Sunny Jesus and God and Holy spiritus; if everything is in agreement and lined up through my guidance system to the universe; Then; things can happen…
.
NOTE: Meditation can help me know what my inner being wants for me…
.
Lots of stuff…..
.
.
.
.
Fundamentally broken. Ive been broken down the number scale; meaning! Ive been smashed or dropped off or dropped away. Ive been dropped down my pathway. Its like I was bombed down my pathway over n over n over leaving craters down my pathway and a half shell shocked human being; to the point of being so broken down and lost; I cant go in any direction or make sense out of my own internal guidance system for my life.
.
Now; I would like to gain a bit of character and staying power and learn to work on that pathway and not run off or avoid or dissociate or listen to the dissociation; Id like to take solid steps down that pathway and learn how to trust and learn to be trust worthy to my higher power..
.
.
.
Working with God and staying put; and letting it manifest from God. I have kind of learned my lesson; at-least now that Im starting over…
.
.
.
WHAT ARE MY DESIRES AND GOALS>>
.
God is showing that God is in charge here; in my life.
.
Finally after much work…
God has shown that when I have a desire; I will wait; I will simply take it to God and wait… Im not jumping down anymore side quests to get what I want; because I don’t have enough faith in God… Im showing that I believe again. I believe that God is helping me; and that It means I have to go by the rules.
.
The rules of the universe are; The horse before the cart. I get on the cart; I get on and head to the far left of the cart. I grab the reigns of the horse pulling the cart; but I do nothing else; I wait; for it is God who is in control; not me; Or I put the reigns down and just wait… I wait on God; I tell God what I want and I wait; Im not in control of anything; I cant make the horse pull the cart unless Ive worked with God already and I truly believe; I truly believe and have proven to God that Im serious about what I want; and Ive done the work to get close enough to what I want; that in my imagination or on paper; a story; a story about what I want… that I believe; that Im already their; Im writing or speaking from being within that realm of that thing as if im there… . And I must write lots and lots of stories about already having what I want until I believe it.. And writing is good for my imagination; it goes right into my imagination and creates…
.
In my imagination;
If I write about my own house; its because Im writing from a stand point of being in that house looking out from it; looking out the window of it onto the yard; Im IN the house… as if Im actually feeling as if Im in the house writing from within the house as if I already own it and Im already their…
.
NOTE; and the purpose of writing about a home; is to someday have a home… Im just now more able to work on this stuff…
.
If its a truck; I imagine that Im at its frequency and I already own the truck; I believe what Im writing will happen.
.
NOTE: I write about owning a truck because I want a truck in the future… The goal is; the writing helps me to believe. If I write as if I have a truck 1000 times; maybe Ill start to believe I will get a truck and I can get a truck.. I start to believe Im good enough for a truck…
If I write 1000 stories of owning my own truck over n over; and Im writing stories as if I already own it; sooner or later Im going to believe I own a truck. When I actually get trained into believing; I believe I own a truck; The opportunities for That truck will show up and I and the truck will be at the same frequency. That means its a hop skip jump from me to the truck… The money will be their to sustain the truck. Ill work on believing that and the truck will be their. And I will be in its realm.
.
NOTE; If I write money stories for the truck; the money will appear if I believe its already happened. I may have to write 1000 money stories for me to believe the money is going to appear for the truck.
.
NOTE; when I want something bad enough; The universe begins to change me from the inside out; turning me into a person who can handle the responsibilities required to get that money and get that truck… Opportunities begin to show up and I begin to see them… And the universe makes things happen…
.
FREQUENCY;
Ive found that the major problem for me is; Im not at the frequency of what I want. Im so way far below it. And I haven't done any hard work to raise that frequency so I can believe Im at and equal with the frequency of what I want. And I have to… I have to get their; to a place that I am brainwashed into believing me and the new Truck or Girl or house or job; that Im absolutely at the same frequency… If I don’t; I wont attract or be able to receive.. Or; NO GO…
.
NOTE; Attracting things; Its like listening to a country station on the radio; Ive decided to flip the channel to a rock station. In order to do it; I have to TUNE into the frequency of the Rock station. In order to do this; I have to find the frequency of the rock station; I have to put out effort to find that station…
.
My goal is to learn how to put out that effort; get a good attitude about putting out effort for things; things like finding that frequency of what I want; much like finding the rock station frequency on a radio.
.
This takes work; Lots of hard hard long grinding laboring work. In order to believe something; I have to tell myself and writing it 10,000 times the same positive story about my desire; owning it; having it; tasting it; the sent of it; the feel of it; wonderful positive feelings of it; Everything. Proving to myself Ive already Got it. And when I start to believe this; ( because I believe what I tell myself over n over and over again); Ill be at its frequency and then its much easier to attract into my existence.
.
NOTE; EFFORT; EFFORT to work at things; to believe; to make that extra work for what I want; thats were Im headed to learn how to do not only the required work for what I want; but lots more to make sure things go solid toward what I want; To believe again… or maybe for the first time; believe enough; to believe in faith that If I work for it it will always materialize…
Also; I have to learn to ask God for the ability to be taught how to be connected to God; For; The only way I can get something with God is to receive.
.
And in many cases; Unfortunately; Ive shunned what God is sending me; I just don’t believe it. And so I get what I believe; NOTHING; I have to learn how to receive what God is sending me ( and that takes long hours of grinding work to reprogram my thinking); It takes what it takes. I have to be at the frequency of receiving from God or it will go under me or over my head; and Ill never be present to receive anything. Its up to me if its going to be!
.
The world does not revolve around me; I revolve around it; and if I want something from it; I must first become the same of what I want to attract; and that can look like many things..
.
Its all hard work and Im beginning to believe… I believe Im willing.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
WOMEN:
Ive had my personalty ruptured so very many times; over n over n over; Leaving me in a state of confusion…
.
All I ever wanted was “ The Nice Girl Next Door”. It never happened; Never happened; And I have to ask why; and work with God to do something about it.
.
I never had a nice group of friends; where their were women involved I could choose from… people established with in a group; Nice people; people that were my friends or could become my friends.
.
I wont go out with anyone that is not my friend… They have to be my best friend if Im going to have a relationship with them that leads to something real and more under Gods sovereign state…
.
I want no more corrupt people; Im sick of them!
.
I had women when young; Bizarre evil; 2 faced… They would respond to me; they wanted to make out with me. I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH THEM: I WANT THEM AS MY FRIEND OR BEST FRIEND FIRST: THEN ID MAKE OUT WITH THEM LATER; MUCH LATER AFTER WE WERE FRIENDS OR A FRIENDSHIP WAS ESTABLISHED>.. Never happened…
.
Why would I have to tell someone this???????????
.
You would think a Decent person would know this; Well! Who said I was dealing with a Decent person or people… I wasn't!
.
.
I had no problem when young attracting every girl and her mother; ALL OF THEM; best looking girls in the city; all of them everywhere I went…
And I had no problem attracting sociopaths with tendencies toward psychopathy. In fact; Good looking women with no decency no conscious no character; nothing. Thats not what I wanted; all confusing…
.
NOTE: Im Old Now; I don’t have to worry about attracting people who look super good… In old age I still want a relationship; I havent given up on it. I will work with God on it.
.
In my youth;
What I WASN'T EVER attracting or even in the vicinity of; NICE GIRL WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR: OR; BEST FRIEND: OR FRIEND…
.
NONE OF THE GIRLS I ATTRACTED HAD ANY VALUES FOR FRIENDSHIP! Nothing!
.
I just sat their in frustration and confusion. “ Why me” Why is this happening. No matter where I go I attract people that are corrupt and sociopaths…
.
.
.
IL HAVE TO DO ALLOT OF WORK TO ATTRACT THE RIGHT PEOPLE THROUGH GOD TO BE MY FRIEND…. TO BE A FRIEND>..
.
Ive never really had a girlfriend; Altho Ive attracted 100000000 girls in my life… Its like I attracted a whole city of women; But non of them were my friends; so to me; they were useless. In fact; I started resenting when eny of them would come around me; it was like attracting serial killers. Who would want to attract people like this! I just wanted the girl next door; the nice girl; decent normal girl; normal person… Someone sent by God to be my friend and helper under God…
.
.
THE PROBLEM;
.
I was not attracting anyone other then corrupt people. So; What do I do about it.
.
FIRST: I gave up on the idea that anyone decent would really appreciate me;
.
When Young.
I only want to spent my time around decent girls that are my friends; I don’t want to spend my time around anyone else…
.
And Now; well; same for the future under God with what ever women God brings me or that I meet up with under God.
.
.
.
. \When I was young;
Attracting thousands of girls that are good looking but corrupt; it was like eating Cake made out of sawdust. One can eat it; but theirs nothing In it; no nutrients… the more I eat; the more Im starving to death; never getting fed… never getting fed the right food… I start dying… Its empty and miss leading… it all got me nowhere…
.
So; This is what I know…
.
Im under Gods care… Gods sovereign state…
.
I never found the right women for me; because; I never looked and I was never working with God… It all takes allot of work for something like this…
.
I know what Im looking for. I have to start writing stories about it as if its real and happening for me or has happened for me….. This is hard… it might take 1000 stories just to start believe again; stories as if I believe again and have found who Im looking for under God.
.
I will do what God wants me to do…. If I humble myself under God And ask for help and wait upon God for the answer…
.
I will work with God on this….
.
.
.
NOTE: When young once I was asked; “ Where do you work?” “ if you have a good job you should be able to attract someone”!. Well; I didn’t work; I never help a job; not really; no career; I didn’t function.
Now; Im starting to feel like Im starting to get inline with that kind of thing; work! Im starting to become that kind of person; Im becoming independent within self; in nature… Im a bit more mobile. Functioning a bit more out in the real world a bit… so… Im not suggesting Im getting a job; Im just saying.
.
How is my mental condition concerning dealing with women;
.
Raped; Molested, stripped or skinned alive… Why did this happen? Because Im innocent and Im decent… I live in a corrupt society with corrupt people; People who have a prejudice against Honest people of a level of decency and self worth and respectability.
.
IM GUN SHY
IM GUN SHY
IM GUN SHY
IM GUN SHY
IM GUN SHY…
.
.
At this point; I have no interest in being a victim about all of this; I will get over that and work with God;
.
But when I go out into the world and I attempt to meet people; Women; and I get my arms ripped of or bit off and I get conned; deception is of the day for these people. For them; “ Where do you work”; thats their idea of attraction; nothing more… its about money…
.
I have to work with God….
.
Im a decent person; It leaves me in a real state of confusion and dismay when others want me destroyed for the fun of it; simply because I said hi!
.
Ive never been wanted by anyone… Ive been physically attractive to many when I was young; But my real self; no one bothered to look; nothing on the inside… No one was attracted to my inside… my real self… nothing.
All Ive been to people is who Im not; my outsides not my insides.…
.
Being with someone who actually likes me for me and is a half way decent person; That is all Im looking for…
.
.
I REMEMBER ONE TIME! AND ONE TIME ONLY:
.
I remember this introverted girl when I was about 18; ( Im an old man now); I remember; She was the kind of girl I could become friends with. But I was so traumatized and hardened by that point; I thought; what is the use. I cant live up to being someone who goes to college and becomes a Professor or high paying job; I couldn’t even function. Sure; I would have loved to have had a Doctorate in physics… I couldn’t function.
.
I guess I would have had to have opened up to her; and I thought; “ What is the use”; this is ridiculous… This is the last person in the world who is going to accept me or actually see me for who I am; meaning; my down n out state… but u never know…
I thought; give it year; and shed find someone better; more stable with a higher level career for a future; Im the last person she would ever want to be with… I could not trust any of these people. I didn’t. Non of them. Altho she may have been someone I could trust… But for how long…
.
All these women
Women are looking for something for nothing… They don’t want to become someones best friend and helper; and help build a relationship and a future under God. Instead; their looking for bad boys; evil people to flip their worlds upside down out of excitement… Thats who they want to marry…
.
.
So here I am; an old man; And thats not the problem for me…
.
The problem is this endless experience of never meeting anyone that wants to be my friend; that sees no value in me; over n over n over n over; When I have all kinds of value in the world…
.
I have no interest in anyone who is not my friend… No Thanks…
.
.
.
SOLUTIONS: No Illusions….
.
A Sovereign state under God…..
.
IM AN OLD MAN!
.
What does that mean; it means when a young women gets up close to me; she stops; looks at me and says; “ YOUR OLD”!
Pause-
.
Thats because I AM OLD!
.
I have one of those chicken Necks
.
"Chicken neck" is a term used to describe the wrinkled or saggy skin that develops on the neck as people age. It's also known as "turkey neck". Here are some things that can help with chicken neck
.
If the subcutaneous glands are damaged, as often happens as we grow older, the elasticity of the skin is reduced. Poor elasticity is what allows the skin to hang away from the neck, giving the unfortunate appearance of a turkey or chicken
.
So; their it is…
.
So; is that a problem; NO; not for me; I don’t care!
.
I guess I kind of do… .
.
What Im really worried about is only associating with the right people; decent people.
.
Ive never felt good enough to trust anyone; when I say good enough; I mean; Financially; Ive had no financial life; nothing.
.
Ive not worked with God on relationships…
.
So; Ive always been at the bottom of everything…
.
So; thats where I start out; and I start out with God….
.
And I have to learn to deal with reality.
.
What Im hoping for; is the right people; Not the wrong people…
.
Its an inside Job.
.
So; Ill work with God on it now….
.
.
.
I HAVE ALLOT OF WORK TO DO… Im OK with that; it will be like crossing a desert.
.
I have allot of resistance to participating in life; So this will be grind getting back into life working for what I want happily.
.
Im starting over. I am; OLD: With Turkey neck… Bock Bock Bock Bock… Ha Ha Ha Ha hahahahahahahah
Ill be starting out as I am under God...and working with God… in a new light… Under God… The horse first; then the cart…
.
I have allot to work on to learn how to protect myself in the outside world; basically Im going back out into this war-world where I can easily get slaughtered….
.
The key is to be prepared first not later… and thats what I will learn under God….
.
deception by others is what I fear. This time Ive got to grow up and take responsibility for all aspects of my journey and stop living in dream world when dealing with people out in the real world… They are not their to take care of me.
Im not looking for that. Im looking for those God is sending who are suppose to be my friends….
.
So; This will take allot of work. Ill learn to put out allot of work. in this area to get myself up to gear speed…
.
Om Believing…
In this area; I haven't put out any work yet. Well; Im not in that space yet; not mature enough; Im just starting; its staring to show up in the way I keep my apartment; the way I talk to people at 12 step meeting. The way I work with success based thinking processes under God… The way I ask God for tangible help for creating music Art and Writing…
.
This is an area Ill have to invest my time and energy first. No one owes me. The goal is to become the kind of person Im looking for; and Ill start working on that now. This will take along time; its a thick forest Ive been lost in. To battle or barrel through it will take some time. I believe Ill learn to appreciate the work that goes into little little tiny victories; one foot at a time. Its not a time to get cocky about things; must learn to work with God and be humble under Gods sovereign state.
.
This will be a great grind… I mean; Lots of massive work to undertake here… and I know that.
its like taking on a huge project where Ill be getting into the middle of things for a long time. Ill become the person I want to become and need to become.
.
.
.
.
.
In my childhood the circus was still popular…
.
Within the circus; circus tents; These are huge tents… big big big; huge…
.
Working with God to take on my own life; all the work needed; necessary; It like taking on the project of building a circus tent… a very huge circus tent… 125 feet tall; and as big as a football field.
Imagine this project… Thats what I mean when I say work. And I may have to build 100 circus tents like this before I even get started….
.
And I will \
and I gladly will; I will do so; and get started on my journey. I am so worth it and this is my lot in life; to work toward what I want; and that is great; Im ready…
.
Yes; certainly at first it is very lonely; and overwhelmingly creep defying; However; Under God I will accept the requirements of the acceptance of what I have to do in order to build my life; and build my life back…
.
NOTE: Its all practice; its all He Hab; mental illness rehab…
.
Imagine Im building a Tent;
And Im starting to define what Im willing to do… and get started… and accept that Ill be building 100 giant circus tents to get bigger and stronger; bigger and better then I am.
Building a real life;
A stronger me; Building a stronger me; so I can be prepared for the life I want…. And under God; God is with me…. .
.
So…
Yes; I would say in the beginning; this is the hardest loneliest part… that space or place I feel intimidated; Intimidated by everything out here…
.
I have a natural decisive learned natural discouragement by living on planet earth. This makes thing much more lonely; However; I have concepts Ive studied to come out of this and get my mind back on track…
.
Anyway; Im willing; Let the building begin!
.
Amen….
.
.
.
THE FEAR OF WORK…
.
.
I really got knocked of the work quarter horsey; As a small child in the middle 60’s I would put a quarter in the horse machine; and ride the horse at the super market….
.
.
.
ThE FEAR OF WORKING…
.
I have a real Fear Of work. This has to do with my Father; I being thrown away from my father and used and completely abandon at some point; completely used. I had no idea this person was like this; I just never knew until it was 2 late. I was completely used… This person was a criminal minded monster using people criminally; I didn’t know this while being used…
.
My personality was ruptured and split into; again alone; couldn’t trust anyone...Just another one; another scumbag that abandon me completely; thats all it was… They had no conscious; nothing. Non human… Ive said before; they had no right being around children…
.
.
Working on my recovery!
Well; As Ive worked on my recovery; Im secretly getting it; getting that ability to trust and be enthusiastic about working my way into a new way of thinking. Im working with God and starting to see myself go down a specific direction where working will help me grow and develop… help me go down the right path….
.
NOTE; Enthusiastic about working; working at it; my life developing it; Thats where Im headed; not thinking anyone else is suppose to step in or was suppose to step in on this process; On my own… Independence…
However; this is in reverence to reality. Im still on Social security; Im senior citizen… I was a child in the 60’s….. Im fine; However; How God will make all of this work out; we will see.
.
NOTE: Im already feeling independence from the false fake people who led me on from the past; many of them; more then just a few. I was completely fooled… I thought for the longest time these were my friends who had my back; had my best wishes on their mind; They did not… Furthest thing from it; I meant nothing to them; I was being used…
.
.
Working at things;
Im feeling good about this and myself and this direction of work. I get it.
.
Im getting better and directed; and I believe… Im seeing a freedom in working toward what I want to become the person I want to become….
.
Im excited because Im down on the ground level and maybe starting for the first time ever because this is the first time Ive been at ground level; Something like that…
.
its happening; its not perfect; its just kind of showing up all of this as a direction; WoRK.. Working to become the person I want to become… Ill depend on work ethic Thank you…. And work with God…
.
Something like that. Ill start their; its a beginning. A beginning ideology.
.
.
.
.
WHERE AM I AT NOW:
.
So; Im working on new stories in several catagories; Stories as if Im have those things I want or relationships. I may start or attempt to keep writing 1000 stories if I have to.. .Thats allot but its up to me to to keep writing new stories until I believe them.
.
For example I want a house; so I write about having a house; living in that house; the camera pans down to the couch in the living room; Im nestled on the couch watching the screen in front of me; On it is computer game… as Im all sprawled out and comfortable. I can see the kitchen entrance from the living room to the right and the stairs to the upstairs bedrooms on the left and way to the left is the hallway leading to my truck in the garage… and I write this as I look at the wall in front of me and describe it; and to the left and behind me and to the right of me and the floor and ceiling; SO it appears Im in that house describing as I look outward.
.
Ill write as many of these things as I have to until I believe; until my imagination is so strong I start to believe Im in that house; and then I will demand the universe bring it to me any way I can get it…
.
And their it is…
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Where am I now 12/4/2024
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.973s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 5.55
Time : 2.973s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 5.55