June 2025
May 2025
I was down town; I saw a couple; a few of them. men and women together. I just kind of choked. I could feel the fear. I could see the anger...
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I felt the uneasiness of it all.
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realized I could never do that; I could never be in a couples relationship. I mean; I couldn't be coupled up with someone or the wrong one. I wasnt sure what that means. Ill have to look into it; abuse started to stream through my head when I saw couples together.
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I thought of all the abuse I went through from one couple to the next; I thought of abusers that abused me constantly or harassed me constantly in high school or later grade school or junior high and I had no place to run. No place to go.. Nothing; no way to fight back... Nothing. no family; nothing. I was thrown away... I had no idea that was going to happen.
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Now; I see couples. and it triggers everything.
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Me in relationship; couples. I dont know. I have to work through it; the fear and shame and my condition.
sex problems; Ive spent all this time watching porn. but thats not really the issue for me; Porn means nothing to me; Its a place I escaped with boredom. With dissociative disorder; I was not able to be present...
I think what Im scared of is having someone in my bed... Im scared to be with un understanding shallow people; thats what scares me the most; opening my bed and my life to strangers I dont know anything about. Being used by people.
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People that dont respect me. People using sex against me. Ive read about women that use sex against men; making excuses not to have sex; holding the relationship hostage especially when they have children... I dont want any of that.. I dont want that stuff...
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MGTOW... A huge movement of men going their own way; they've had enough of all this; I understand completely. I dont blame them; not enough money for people to be in anything other then the margins in life. And I can see from 2 sides.
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Men cant be that alpha male the women want... women cant be the nice giving devoted wife men want... ITs actually about money. Thats what it all comes down to...
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I just wanted a best friend. Im not sure with women whether they can be a friend or not. I dont think they can love anything. They dont love men; they use them... they use them for their resources; they dont care beyond that.. Nor do they think they need to... They latch on to a guy for various reasons; dont want to be alone when the die... They need the right partner for child bearing. they want a partner for these things. Ya oK... Here we are and thats what they need. They get knocked up by who ever is manly enough to nock them up. The women has a kid and shes off. and thats that untill hypergamy sets in and she wants something better; She will go after someone with more money always; women never go downward; they always go upward toward more money...
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Ive Neve been able to complete at any level concerning women; nothing. No point... never.. Ive always been a nice guy and a decent person; No one cares or ever has... No one has cared if I'm dead or alive. No women has ever cared if Im dead or alive. No women has ever cared who I really am as a human being; My inner self meaning nothing; so; no real relationship could ever get developed.
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I never dared go out with any middle class women; I did not want to be spat on because of not having any money. Or made a joke of... I was never enough to be taken seriously; I was actually intelligent and caring and sensitive and loving; Nothing that women are looking for; they are looking for money... and resources.
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If a women is not my best friend; Im not interested. I do not see any women clamoring at my door to be my best friend. I do not see God bringing me anyone down the pathway... Nothing. I do not know what to make of it. I assume Ill die alone. I guess. unless I get better.
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Women are so shallow that Its impossible to have a relationship with them; its just not possible; Im a man of values... I dont seem to attract any women. They just want to manipulate everything; man shame... destroy everything they get their hands on. try to control others or infringe on their rights and their space; not stay in their place like they should; but they want me in my place under God; but they dont want to be under GOd...
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The kind of women I wanted came from the Bible. Im not talking about churchy middle class women... Im talking about real people who bow down before God in order to survive.
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Id have to be with someone that respects me. seems impossible; I wouldn't even try to bother. at some point its all about money.
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No one; meaning me; wants to be with a women and not have any money; it sucks; it just sucks...
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Im not sure identity wise; what kind of women I would want with me. And Im not sure why Im not with someone. or never have been. Ive never met anyone really.
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I didnt want to laughed anymore...
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I know men in the past who simply left this country; went to other countries and found women with their values; they get along great together; but in todays world; I dont know. Ill keep praying about it.
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Its like I have nothing in common with women; Nothing; like we are from 2 different countries. to different cultures.
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Everything about me is what women do not like or want...
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My inner self has no value to them; its strange; when around them; I(m like a shell. They see no values thus I dont interact with them. I refuse. Then; they count me as a weakling... or they find out I dont have a girlfriend or any women in my life; suddenly Im jaded and shamed... BRILLIANT! Really intelligent.... id say Im not corrupt; that is the problem.
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I wasnt weak when I was young; I was innocent...
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Ive been around long enough where their were no incels; An incel is a member of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to get a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one.
Hey thats me! Im an Incel! really! Fraid not! I was around before all that nonsense started...
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I wanted someone from the Bible; A women like the Bible described; But I guess I became corrupt and violent and angry and God wouldn't allow it. I guess.
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Im not sure... Its between me and God and if I can get well...
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Right now; couples; seeing them together; I get freaked out; and angry. Because of the closeness. togetherness. I guess.
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Im not sure what to do about that; start writing about its and spend another 10 years on that subject until Im daed.
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Im worried because its a jaw breaker; meaning; it hasn't ever been opened before. Im like... I have to go through all this insanity again.... What more am I going to learn about myself. IT has to be opened up if Im going to have relationships.
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Biggest problem with relationships with women; CHEATING... They are not honest; they are not; Ive never met any of them to be honest; nothing. Its a waist of my time; all of this..
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I Guess wanting someone worthy to date; I guess Id have to have 200.000 dollars a year... I don't have it.
Ill work with God;' but the number one issue right now is this couples thing. see them; it triggers forced closeness; with my background I do not see how any women could have enough depth to be with me. I dont believe it... I just dont... And if she doesn't; it will be over... right now. And I dont want to get violent...
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I have to start working through the idea of couples...
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Damn this hurts. I hate it...
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I hate the idea of not having enough money to even show my face out in the public.
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Ill keep working with God on these things. I feel pressure because I never made it in society in anyway; I refused. not after what I've been through and seen forget it.
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I cant be with a women that triggers violence in me; Id lock up; it would be over; Id have to leave; I could never stay with them ever again.. ever... Id have to leave...
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So; Im back to dealing with couples.
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I havent done anything with my music either; and Its the same kind of hatred toward society. Im not sure what direction to go; Ill pray about it as I slowly get better.
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Im stuck between to world; the outside world and my hidden world of safety...
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Im already violently triggered just writing this stuff; its from sexual abuser I had to live with... Its all to much...
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Im seeing something else; the real me was someone who would have done well in school; picked a subject and gone all the way with it; masters degree and so forth....
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Ive had little to no schooling because I ws never present for learning anything ever; took no interest in anything; I was dissociated or hated or not loved or isolated or alone and had no really family... looking back; it was a TV set; and that only lasted so long.
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Now Im in the process of slowly moving forward into that person that finds what he likes to do and does it; The type that gets the degrees in that which I love to do and moves forward with it.. Im in the middle right now of moving forward.
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Ive been in an altered world of the child. And ive been there for along time. a long long time. Im slowly showing signs of interest in adulthood and things... And thus; pressure is on me to build... or work with God finding pathways to the next level...
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So; I have a developmental goal; what would I have done with or at the proper age with my father building and being with me; developing; how would I have developed. What would I be doing if I felt safe enough to do so....
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