July 2025
June 2025
Things are changing; they are creeping in; my new life; new possibilities if I play my cards right; Im getting closer to the development of a concrete part of life that seeps into the empty spaces and creates a solidness.. Its all leading to confidence. This confidence comes from many things; many developments and much experiences that meld together to bring a person into his own. And that is what is happening for me.
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Im at the very very beginning of this brutal undertaking; but its real. Its the beginning of confidences.. I can feel myself rise..
The most important aspect of this; All changes occurred after starting recovery work… Nothing that is happening is credited to anyone from my past.. ( My cousin Tina; Rest her soul; she can have credit for loving me when I was a little boy. May she rest in peace; She helped me; she may be the only one.
I loved my cousin). The beginning of my life; It cannot be accredited to anyone from my beginning life; from the past. ( their were a few friends from the south side; they were not stuckup; they actually cared about what happened to me; or they thought about me; what happened to me). That means theirs a very good chance no one can take it from me either at this point; If Im showing signs of coming back to life and back to my own life; this is from my doing; my choices; my recovery work; my desires to commit and follow God Higher Power Universe Jesus Holy spritus… God… Plenty of people have helped me allong the way; did not do this alone. Its just that; it was not done by anyone in my past; that means I dont owe any of those fake people anything.
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Im showing signs of it; as if I came from a loving secure place; or family. This means a new me being started over again.
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Their is no one responsible from my original life for where Im at now. What that means; all good things that have happened and are happening have nothing to do with anyone elses credit when I was young; Only mine. Im not suggesting this new life that might be emerging is done alone; It was done with the help of 30,000 people in recovery who have come n gone form the recovery forums Ive lived in or the meeting rooms Ive spoke in and attended; no easy feat! Those are not easy places at times.
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AND GOD! And many other things. I just showed up; I showed up 1 ga zillion times.. .
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The point is; Its starting; Im starting to glue back together… I was mentioning the word "confidence" today. Talking about the need for confidence; That is a strange word for me to use when speaking in the recovery process.
The word confidence suggests Ive done enough work on myself. The next level is personal interaction with the world; and that requires confidence.
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Im getting internally stronger…. And stronger… Confidence is what floods out after years of internal work that leads to a greater experience… life under God… All of this just sorta happens; I start getting stronger or heading towar confidence or something.
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Anyway.
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Im struggling upward…
It would be quite interesting if I get my life back in the face of all Ive been through in this struggle from the day I was born: That would be very interesting.
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I was talking to someone today; Ive literally inherited God ( Gods favor); A gift from God... at this point; And God is bringing back my desire to be alive and live and feel and imagine and dream and be enthusiastic to get up in the morning. I have so many goals and dreams Im working on; Im full for the day working stuff; way over loaded if I want to be. I can be busy all day long with my interests… I guess. Thats over shooting things; Im not there yet; but Im making my point.
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I continue to develop.
I believe Ill get my life back. The life I dreamed of having when I was a child. I believe my life will be restored… And that truly is a wondrous gift. Nothing could be greater; nothing could be better.
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As I get better and work with God and set goals. Im noticing women showing up. And so; Im expecting at some point to be in the arms of women again… ( Im not sure tho; you never know unless chances are taken; and Im bit chicken; Im so bashful its crazy; I have no confidence with women; Nothing; Im so taken by them; they scare me because Im so attracted to them). its been a long while. I took a long break. I had to make changes and thus; I was almost getting offended at women who wanted short flings with me. I was mad because I could not have long relationships with anyone; Im to messed up; or was. Im better now; the past is gone so Im a bit freer these days...
. Things are changing now… We will see. I have to start over from nothing and start again. This time; Ill sit women down and explain myself to them from the beginning. And let them decide if they want to get involved.
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Some women don’t love me and never will… And its good to find out first.
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Confidence is a problem with women. Ill be working on that; Im already working on it now with others. And soon Ill be working on it more close up with women ( I think). It has to do with talking and sharing where Im actually at in life; Telling them before hand who I am and who I am not.
Its about acceptance that the past was important to me; but its gone now. And I worked hard on separating myself from it; I separated myself from it with Gods help. I investigated my information of those I gave credit to when young who I lost; I investigated that information to a point of finding holes in their alibis; In their lives in their lies. They did not turn out to be who I thought they would be who I thought they are. They were never my friends; they were using me
In the end; I turned out to be the sane one; They turned out to be nothing! Im not sure how I made such mistakes in choosing the wrong people; except to say; I was looking for my mother and father on them; and I may have found my mother and father in these other people… And that is not a good thing… I don’t know. When I realized these people were like my mother and father I gave up and walked away; in some cases; run away!
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Today with enough work and the ability to try a little courage in the face of relationship building; maybe my relationship life can develop. Maybe; I have others helping me tho; so we will see. I jut could not let go of the past; well; I had not really worked on it enough; didn’t do a thorough job.
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Today I want to ask others to help me; if they would help me…of they would like to help me; I need help. I was never able to ask for help before… amen…
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ON THE FORE FRONT…
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So; here I am a bashful broken mending introvert person who wants to learn how to open up again and be part of life again. Its interesting; many people have retired by now; and may people have tried to retire me. Im literally getting started for the first time… Thats what so important about all of this. I get another chance to emerge back into life…
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Im getting ahead of myself. Many choices will determine my future… I know Im building a future for myself without the help of any of those I remember when young. And that is truly fantastic; that means they cant take anything from me…
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The next step for me is to keep working under God and taking direction from the universe. Staying in a God Pathway and meditation is always the preferable thing.
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FAT; This is a problem… Can I become a leaf eater; I don’t know…
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Music creation; This is always a form of dilemma; I can never get started; So; ill work with with God to help me get started. Amen…
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