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Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Strong enough to see reality!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 13, 2018 9:51 am

Im in this small town; Im ending up much like the day I got here; alone! no friends! nothing! I know a few people from the 12 step groups Ive gone to; not much more; Its a closed place! you can sit outside the neighborhoods and be all alone; never see anything or anyone; its a closed place!

The people in this small town; the ones Ive met; typical little town like you see in the old movies!
I never fit in here!
However, strongly enough, I finish here much like I started! accept Im better off! Im alive.
Where do I go from here; I dont know; I will work with God on this!
God wanted to keep me alive; I had to deal with mental health issues; I still have them; Im more used to them now!
As for women; Nothing!
Ive never really known any women in this town; they've been closed off to those with more money! Ive been apart of nothing! ITs as if I dont exist!
So, I have to work with God and find out what will make me happy in my life! I assume their will never be any women! its a pipe dream! thats how I see it! I can continue to work on it!
Most of the women Ive met are stuck up; you couldn't get near them!
I never knew as a child it would be like this!
I have to remember; I have mental health issues and no one is interested in me! I couldn't work! Im not suggesting its over completely for me! However, Ive never had a girlfriend! Ive never had anyone take notice of me! and no one cares!
I do allot of thinking and imagining! Ive imagined that women like me; Ive imagined a whole world within my head! In the real world; non of this exists! no one liked me or saw me for who I am! Im not sure the people I thought liked me; Im not sure they were ever thinking about me in the first place! Im not sure they were ever thinking any positive thoughts about me!
I would see a women; she was attractive; she would come up and talk to me because she wanted something; I would assume she liked me! I would become defensive and ignore her! I would not trust her! later, much later, when I felt safe; I might attempt to say hello; but this time she writes me off! I may see her still, at a later date! I pull her to the side and talk to her! she's shallow and says nothing deep! later, I see her, she seems arrogant; and this is the women I think likes me! I have no idea if this women thinks anything of me! I realize; this women has not really shown any interest in me! In my mind; I want to create the situation that she does; in my mind! in reality; nothing like this exists; she's not a friend of mine; never was; never will be!

Im finally coming out of this process and understanding where I am and what has happened; just another dissociate dream; Im lucky I have something to eat!
In this small town; Ive gone through therapist that through me away; no conscious about it; nothing! dont care! They think Im worthless or scum! welcome to small towns!
What I see in my head; others dont! Im in my own world! Im not accepted; Im not noticed!
Where do I go from here! I dont know! I have to work with God on this; use the laws of attraction!
Ive asked God; is their no women anywhere that could like me! no one? Ive called out to the universe to bring them to me; nothing! dry as an oyster bed! nothing! could the universe not find one person on planet earth that could like me! no one?
My social skills are not good! it takes me several months to get used to a person before I feel safe! its very hard in the beginning breaking the ice with someone!
I dont know any quality people! the people in the 12 step groups; I dont know them! not really! Im a stranger their! they dont know me and dont care!

Ive gone to these recovery rooms for recovery; not socializing! socializing in these places never worked for me; I never wanted to be their; I had no other place to go!
I seriously feel like leaving this little town; Ill have to talk to God about it; I dont know where Id go! I have no idea! I have no family or friends!
Im trying to get over distant relatives that live in this town where I live; they are strangers and no friends of mine! They are sociopathic; at least one of them; the other is somewhere in the middle; they have no conscious if they ever see me again or here from me again; for them, this means they get more inheritance for themselves!
Maybe Ill be like and die before that!
However, I would like to be independent and do something with my life; be able to come back to some levels of stability and do something with my life! Ill keep working with God on these things!
With dissociative disorder, Im always mentally " out to lunch"; most of my judgment's of the world around me are done in my head; not in reality!
I might think people have accepted me or like me; in reality; they dont even know me! Im making judgments from a distance!
As for women; Ive asked several women for phone numbers; no one ever calls back! its a game with them; or worse; they've always seen me as weird or mental and never had any intention of knowing me or liking me or dating me; no one!
I have to try to understand by working with God! Try to understand what this life is for! why Im here!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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