July 2025
June 2025
I was at a meeting; someone had been out on a run; drugs... Theyve been back in these meetings for about 2 months; and had a story...
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Someone came back and explained what had happened. WHy did they leave; They said they missed their home'ess
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When THey took off to use drugs; no one around; their homess were all in prison... They found themselves alone. Before all this; they were in the recovery meetings for drug abuse.. THey thought; " I dont need those people in the meetings anymore"; So they left the meetings...
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Then; being down n out for a few months; after being down n out; they were found by some people in the meetings and taken to a mens retreat; and they are now back in the meetings and off dope where their is hope...
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What did they learn and what did I learn from their sharing; I learned; after sharing about where Im at with the past and re living my life at 14 years old; all the problems and sharing about how I had no one at that age to talk to; holding everything in; After listening to this other member share; I was feeling it deeply; I was very close to being part of something again; a family again; a society again; I can feel it. Im slowly working my way into appearing into life again at the starting line and my higher power is doing the work to do such things; make such things happen... and its working; today was the deepest and most confident I had ever felt about being present... Im getting closer. I know when God has its time for me to develop; Ill be at the starting gate once more.
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Most of the time; allot of the people in my meetings of different sorts; dont know what Im doing or why; but I do; I pray first before I share...
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This guy to today who shared; it brought it all home for me. It felt like I belonged...
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Im working on the next 50% for dealing with my first love: That means the deeper more entangled 50% of that interaction. The goal is to completely work through that interaction... Get to a point of acceptance and then separate from it; stand on my own 2 feet; with the knowledge of what happened; but being able to date again and live again and interreacts with others regardless. And this is the way the universe is doing things for me. I could not just bury such human situations and sorrows; that's ridiculous; I'm not a ######6 animal!
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So; I can see myself working through this and accepting and standing on my own 2 feet again; and abler to perform out in the public again maybe. I dont say maybe; I mean; ill be half disabled or messed up; but ya no! I mean; Ill be out there again and not have to be under this horrible nightmare anymore.
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NOTE: Trauma is the problem...
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I wanted to be part of that girls life; I wanted and thought I would be; I was rejected that the amount of money I had in the bank was more valuable then the inner spirit child of me sent by God! And when someone does that; it kinds of kills you! I mean; I kills a person. No one wanted me to be part of their family. No one wanted me period. It was like; I wasnt even in the ball park... Not even considered; looked over.. right in front of their faces; However, this was not the first time this happened. and looking back; Im now understanding the similarities of all these families and house holds.. Im finding these people could not ever appreciate me or what Im worth; THey just cant; in fact; they write me off as worthless stupid weak trash; and much worse; laughable.
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IT shocked me when up at my first loves house. I gleamed I would never set foot their ever again. I was laughed at for not being a man or performing. I thought! Does this person really like me? I mean! non of this makes any sense; wasnt I sent up here by GOd to take care of this girl; to look after her and love her... Unfortunately; that was not in the plan; Gods plan...
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So; what was Gods plan. Gods plan was for me to leave and never go back to that place; What about the girl; non of my business... These type of people have no values and dont want any... They live in their own inner circle of spoiled lawless people; I guess... I refused to go any further with it because of the disrespect... I could not understand...
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The key is; I lived down the street.. They never invited me to their home because they never knew me. Someone else invited me and I showed up randomly with them... I made a big big mistake.. But my whole life had all ready been ruined.. And it was full of mistakes... And with out God; that is all I would be receiving; horror sorrow and trauma...
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My goal is to work through this FIRST LOVE; until within my mind; her narrative is split down the middle... and both sides start separating and I start shining through the middle standing on my own 2 feet. I can see grief as a major problem or issue... I still have to grieve the loss at deeper levels; but Im so far now... I mean; ive been working on this for a long time and the universe keeps giving me break throughs... so; Ill just keep at it.
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The simple point of all this is; Im from a different set of values that worldly people know nothing about; when they got a hold of me; they tore me to pieces when they thought they could get away with it.
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No one wanted me. No one wanted me as part of their family; as if I was the worst vermin ever born on earth... Like I was a species or a disease... This happened over n over n over! Until I was coldly separated from all people.
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NOW; THIS IS CHANGING!@
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Its O so at the beginning of the beginning of pre stages. Today is a good day to suggest Im getting close to land as Im traveling by sea.... if that makes sense... Im already feeling what its like to start over; be at the starting line again as part of a family and being present and telling everyone everything basically... Its like being on a boat and I can spot land but Im not docked yet... Im coming home... Trauma has kept me out for along time...
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I seem to be coming home; but I dont know what that will mean. I dont know allot of people like myself.
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However, First things first; More work on my first love; directed by God! keep going until I am co dependent no more on her; on her memory... on her thoughts; on any part of her. She has to be a sick memory I want nothing to do with; she is an abomination against God; so were her family! I had no idea what that meant until I was set up with no defense to them... They trampled everything of my worth; trampled me under their feet; turned and tore me to pieces; do not give what is holy to the Dogs...
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Im still very dissociative. So.......
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Im looking forward... Im looking forward to the next change; I know what it will be like. Ill be moving through more trauma and thus getting deeper into myself; who I really am and was growing up. And I know its happening... But not yet; Im still very deflective of anything... survival mode...
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