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Consumer 6
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am

The thinking process; its o so simple; what was I thinking about; that will describe what Im feeling. And how I interact with others; what am I not thinking will determine how well I get along with people.
Im attempting to jump frequencies upward.

The goal is to get a hold of thinking; now! meaning; what am I thinking now; Im thinking about things that I look forward too; now. What does that mean; It means Im practicing things I want to do; now; not things that make money; just things I want to do because it feels good and feels right; for no other reason; Art is a great example of this. I love art; but I have to do it because I like it; no other reason. So; I think about art; it feels good. I think about a canvas in my mind that is being drawn on; circles and squares and lines and things; I think about it in real time; right now; things I can do right now.
What is happening to my mind when I'm thinking about and focusing on art; My mind is not thinking about anything else; and is this not a specific that leads to higher mind development; is this higher mind position a continuum of middle classism. What do I mean? When I think about something right now that I like or enjoy doing and Im able to center it in my mind in real time and visualize it; now! and Im able to turn to this visualization over n over at will; on the fly; This is called privilege; or a good life; for Im free to think about anything I want with no negative effects; Im not thinking about 2 things at once; only one thing; art; and it consumes a specific process in my mind; a process of real time action in the mind; Im playing out in my mind what I want to do in front of my mind in reality; now! and thats what Im consumed with. And Im not thinking about anything else, for my mind is filled up; its filled up with something I want to do and I can be obsessed over if I choose because it feels good; cant go wrong doing art or thinking about art. All good stuff; anyway; trying to make a point.
What else can I think about; how about having women close to me and touching them; having them touch me in my mind; holding them; touching them; getting physically close to them; visualizing this over n over; slow interacting with them in my mind; talking to them in my mind as if Im in depth of conversation. I visualize the women across from me at a table and we are talking ad talking; and later she walks over to me and sits on my lap; and stays their from now on. And I get used to it in my mind and I write stories about it; thousands of them; what happens next;
When writing thousands of stories;
My resistance drops; Now, I have much less blue collar resistance to things; less thuggery. Im becoming at a higher frequency; and Ill then think about others social things at a higher frequency; Is all this making sense. And at some point; I become what I think; and it feels allot better up here in the clouds of better thinking.
Im creating a mind full of tunnels; tunnels that suck in energy from the universe and spit them out of my body in front of me; The angle of those tunnels will determine who I interact with and who I interact with will determine the quality of life; its mainly based on what I think about and don't think about.

If Im not thinking about thugs at a low frequency level; thugs wont show up; nor will I show up in their backyard.
If I can control my thinking and only think about what I want; then what will show up in front of me; Only what I want; nothing else. I will be focusing on only what I want. what I focus on grows.
Ive found so far; my social level is changing; more energy an encouragement and confidence is taking hold; Im moving up the social ladder. As I create better thoughts; more thought like it join in. Soon, I have a bunch of middle class thoughts and Im a whole new person. And that is where I want my mind going.
Today, I found myself insecure at times at the coffee shop; but I changed it; I changed my thoughts; Im fighting back; I started to think about art things; writing and music and books and stories and things; and the higher life of the cultured; and started to feel more cultured because I am more cultured.
During the main aspects of my mental illness; Ive always thought of myself as an intellectual thug; but in reality; that is a warped perception; Ive been warped; Im no thug; I was a sensitive introvert of very hight nature and culture that got trampled to death and thrown away; and my mind and nervous system was constantly under attack until I was completely taken over and destroyed; and this was happening from the beginning of my life until I was 18 years old; and then the mental condition kicked in to a harder state, until at the age of 32, I was homeless talking to the trees in some park.
Ive been warped and mentally gone for a long long time; Ive been hanging out with criminals through half of it; many in recovery; but hardened prison cons; but Im not interested in that anymore; Im now interested in going back to being a sensitive art person of high culture. In order to pull this off; I have to think differently now. right now. And I have to learn how to flip from negative debilitating thoughts to all new thoughts of my choosing. Im able to flip the script; thats whats happening; and Im going to continue to do so until my mind is remade into the original person I was suppose to become.
A person is made up of 2 parts; The identity and the thoughts associated at the same level of the identity. I first had a high identity associated with high thinking levels; next I had a high identity but the thinking levels started to change and go downward according to what I was experiencing out in front of me in reality. next; my identity was feeling allot of pressure and attack; and my thinking was splitting. Energy from a high thinking and energy from low thinking began to fill my confused pressured brain; and my identity started to fall; become more degenerative; more compulsive and obsessive; less friends; and people associated; I became hurt and withdrawn. and things will just get worse; lost, thrown away, abandon, no hope; no more parents, no family; nothing; and stripped away from my original home area; like I never existed; and my personalty will break and become something new; a new creature of a much lesser grade; more like someone with a mix of trauma based mental illness and a thug rat with no values.....
And this will get worse as time goes on; I will become paralyzed from trauma leading to dissociation; and at some point; all energy holes leading to the out side world will stop; My mind will become paralyzed and ruptured. I will become no different then a psychopath gray matter or an alligator. Ill have no more thinking processes and everything will become slowed down and blocked like rock and torn to pieces within my mind and nervous system. I will know only pain and suffering.

Into the present;
Im now attempting to think my way into a new life; Ive earned the right; and Im now taking advantage of it; I first started working my way into a new way of thinking; Ive now found my new way of thinking and Im transforming myself into a new person.
Im remembering Charlie Brown specials, Im remember high school football games; I'm remembering dating and pretty girls. Im remember wanting to do we’ll in school, wanting to be in plays and having friends and singing Christmas Carols at the holidays. And wanting to be a Gymnast and a down hill skier.
I wanted to be an actor like William Shatner in Star Trek.

Im remembering what I was thinking about when I was 8 years old swimming at the local pool on Friday nights. Im remembering buying swim shorts; what they looked like and how I felt about being taken care of when very very young. Im remembering some good things before I was destroyed; and I plan to remember more and hold those thought patterns as if this is me today. And for the missing years of trauma; Im writing up new scripts to fill in those blanks. Since this is my movie; Ill rewrite my life anyway I want it until I start believing it could have happened this way; and from their; Ill live accordingly, this new life; thats the idea.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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