July 2025
June 2025
So it begins; the next chapter...
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This is so complex; Ill try to explain it.. Ill just explain it as its happening....
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Ive already explained so much through my blogs...
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Ill start with the girl up the street; my first love... Scary; she is almost gone. Almost processed out into the past... What does this mean... I means; when its been processed out; the present comes rushing in... and floods me and takes over. It means when thoughts of her try to creep into the fringes of my present mind; I pluck them out...
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As for the girl up the street; she said I meant nothing to her to numerous people; Thats not the kind of person to give myself to! Something is hidden in all that; something is wrong... That is not the type of individual that can be expected to have any kind of conscious dealing with people. that is a person that has no concept of law... They are lawless... they are 2 faced; they cannot have a relationship with someone; not at a real human level; impossible. So the question remains; How did I ever get up their; around this person; thats really the question; We will call it a sick person; how or why would I get up around someone like that. Why? Its not even about them; Its not even about them. they cannot sustain any kind of human relationship; impossible. So; the mental illness I have; is the problem; The dissociative disorder makes me blind... I cant see; I cant tell what is going on in the lower parts of my nervous system... my mind is gone somewhere else...
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Ive had people complain that I say things over n over that have been rude. I told them. I dont know what their talking about. I didnt do that. Then others said the same thing saying I used the same words with them over n over in conversation. Im like; I dont know what your talking about...
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Its like I was in a zone when talking; it was the child in me from another time period and I was not connected to what I was saying. and I do not remember hearing those things when they came out... I thought I was present; I was not present. My eyes and mind where on something else while another part of me was pouring out my thoughts and I had no idea what I had said; because I was not aware of what I said; I was not present.
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Ive had people test me on this. And suddenly they would stop me talking... and I had to get a grip at that moment; and their it was.. it surfaced... another part of me was talking that I did not hear. I was aware of the people in front of me... I guess... but words came out I did not hear over n over. I was completely dissociated. its makes you blind.
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As for the girl up the street; It was another personality that liked her and wanted to see her in a specific way; but it was not me... I didnt want anything to do with her... I could see what she was...
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I used memories I created of her as a codependent female bot within my mind ( I created a replica of her in my nervous system hooked to my imagination and the intimacy areas of my awareness. I created a robot of her within my mind that I could bring close to me; close to the edge of my reality; closer to my intimacy; I had intimacy with thoughts created of her.. I created those thoughts from the original thoughts by staring at her; sitting by her. I could see what I perceived as loneliness or insecurity; I associated that with the relationship I thought she had with her parents; I felt her parents hated her mis treated her; neglected her. I felt she needed to be loved more than anyone I knew. ( I was being pulled in; hook line and sinker). I took all that emotional information within me.. all in my imagination; and it was all speculation; nothing more... And I had all those feelings of love for her; I was going to be the one who saved her and loved her and brought her back to life. However; Later; something went wrong.. And in the beginning; something was not right with her. I was loved bombed; I guess?
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In the end; I was laughed at and booted... No one ever really wanted me. So; I kept those memories of her. And I turned them into a real person within my imagination and brought those newly created memories and enforced them with new concepts within my mind and I created any own female robot within self; and that robot within my nervous system would play out her role as my girlfriend that needed me; that would get close to my thoughts; she would get close to my intimate thoughts I had of her,... The problem was; after working on resentment work; I realized non of those thoughts I collected of her; non of them had any real substantial backing. I did not know if she did not get along with her parents. I did not really know if she was all that lonely or insecure.. or anything else about her... I knew nothing about her... I thought because I saw these things in her; this tragedy of a life; she surely wanted me more than life itself. but I thought she liked me for ME! that was not true.
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I thought because I saw all those things in her; she must have seen things in me. . I was wrong; she saw nothing and had no value for me... Non of that made any sense to me. At a later time period; I was completely destroyed. I thought my God; what kind of evil is this.
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Later after much recovery work; the real question was; What the hell was I even doing up their. Why was I around someone evil like this; was this the best I could do; something was horribly off. God did not send me up to this monster... God must have wanted me to go to another direction.
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Some of the probable answers. She was a beginning sociopath like her parents and I was naive and had no idea... and I became her victim... I become trauma bonded to her... but I didnt know. I become extremely addicted to her... She planned the whole thing.. she had always planned the whole thing for any victim that might show up in her realm; thus is the nature of the vampire destroyer of people. All so very sad for me. Not sad for the sociopath; They have no conscious; If I thought she did have a conscious and liked me and was just an abused throw away that I could understand and save; it was a contrived manipulation by the sociopath for me to believe in her fake story. She was a fake story; their was no abused child within her... she did not have a problem with her parents. She did not have any problems at all. She did not need me for anything. No did she value or want my friendship... And I never knew this while around her.
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And again; the most important aspect of all this; is; She was a sociopath. And I mistook love or friendship for an extreme narcissist play on my emotions. thats all it was... nothing more on her side... their actually really was no side.
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I gathered information while around her; seeing her; listening to her watching her; I collected my own views of her and speculations... And thus came up with my own narrative of her... And it just happened to be a narrative where her only chance of survival was love that came from me... My love for her was her only way out.. And I would love her with all my heart for she was my chosen one. She is who I would marry and be with for eternity... My best friend and my one true love. And I mistaken the idea that God sent me up there; that God sent me to my one true love... I mean; the Bible talks about meeting her yes? unfortunately. I met a monster that was not sent from God... I made a big mistake. And I didnt get out on time to save myself; I didnt get out on time and I was destroyed.
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Unfortunately this is exactly what the narcissist sociopath is counting on. They love bomb a naive person based on what the naive person needs. So; if im sensitive and needy and need to be loved; they play act a sensitive needy person who needs to be loved; they merrier everything back in a most evil way. They specially hit on people that are naive to what is going on. The Naive person simply has no clue at all what is going on; and that is who this monster is looking to set up. And I was "One" of those victims. Im sure I wasnt the only one...
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Back to the story; So; with enough time with Gods help; more of the truth of who she really was comes out. More facts surface; more inconsistencies. In the end she is nothing like what I thought she was. She is the opposite... She is actually dangerous for numerous reasons; including physically dangerous; she is not afraid to higher other people to cause me bodily harm; put me in a hospital; And certainly; anyone that would do that was not my friend now are they.. No they are not! Something is far off here! Or was fare off; many centuries ago... Slowly slipping away to the past.
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OKEY; Back to the story... So; she is fading black; say Goodbye.... ! she still pops up all the time as an romantic automatic go-to when I feel insecure and alone.. She is like a cyber internal created love bot within my nervous system that replicates a girlfriend... She is their to squeeze and love on up close only in intimacy roles. and of course; after awhile it gets tiring having a girlfriend with-in my imagination; Id like a real one for dinner please... and thus; the rest of the story begins.
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As HER story fades; She becomes one of the last remnants of my past... She represented the people that abused me; My best fake friend did the same thing; I worked through that. family system did the same thing; relatives disowned us... We were never really friends with them in the first place.. No real relatives lift. No friends left because they were never real in the first place. Im not going to be saved by fake friends. They dont care if Im dead or alive.
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So; within the present; something new begins..
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After establishing myself with new people and places and things all inline with a higher power; all practice and resurgence of the development trauma disorder treatment.... meaning; I spent years re developing a whole new implemented system for the re development of yearly life self and middle adolescence self into beginning teen age self. And parts of older teen and collage age person and than a bit further... And thus here I am now. Im still more than half my chronological age in maturity; but it sure does beat being 6 emotionally for the rest of my life.
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Back to the Story;
So; I worked on self for a very long time rebuilding the inner structure of any personality and identity.
I studied success and how to have success; something that was never thought to me; I had to study people who had made successes out of themselves and learn the principles and the nature and fundamentals of those principles; and I have a sturdy basic understand of where to get that information and at least a working model within myself of such concepts for use...
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So; I know how to manifest something for my life when I want it; I get how to use the universe for magic.
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lately the thoughts Ive been having; I see myself in my backyard as a boy playing and socially developing. And I realize Im right their... Im up to speed as where he is... Im at that point where I left off as a boy. I'm not really in super amounts of pain at this point after years of recovery on this subject. Ill ask God universe what the next step is in my social development. Where do I go from here; whats the next pathway. and ill start creating a new pathway on paper and see what comes up. See if the universe joins me on it.
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As for the real world.
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Ive been having new experiences with people; These are real world experiences; these are floating in with the tide. The water is coming closer. The water represents my new life and all things in it. And those new experiences are already happening... At some point Ill move more n more in land with a new life of real experiences.... and this will create a strong foundation in the new world of my presence.
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I have no experience; and I didnt even know it. Between the TV set of the past and the PTSD and dissociative disorder; ive been in a protective mode all of my life. Ive mainly created concepts in my head and lived off them. Ive created dissociation'l worlds; I didnt do; my nervous system did to save me and protect me... I had no control over it. But the information within; I could not tell if I had actually experienced it or not. I was very mentally ill.
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Im onto a new hobby, and Im interested in my first car I buy away from the old family system and that has been years n years...
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New experiences where Im forced to be spontaneous with new people for better or worse; they are new experiences.
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So; Im showing signs of moving forward into the original me... the me from before... In a life from before.
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Im seeing myself getting into video games; on my own; no brothers around. This time its all on me; I regrew... Went back to the past and started over again and here I am now growing into video games on my own.
I believe many more traditional things will I grow into independently; on my own; with the help of people I seek out to help; but no one from the past is involved. So Im becoming the original me. Im not sure how I well I will do; Im damaged goods; I dont know.
Im looking to work myself into this new life...a life of independence. And I can already see it... and feel it. ITs already happening. Im just not encharge of it. God brings it about.
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I still have bulling from the past and present to deal with. And many experiences to be involved in that will help my maturity level but I have no idea what they are or how this will come about.
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Im wondering what else I can say. Im setting goals for all adult things; wife; house,. car,. occupation; altho with many of these things are on paper and will slowly build in my imagination; im heading into this kind of thing; back into things with in society. real things.
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THE BEGINNING:-------
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I am getting better. Im starting to resemble the kid I once was... in my original house on my original block... Im starting to come back; thats all I could hope for.
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I cant describe what its like to open up around unsafe people; people I do not control and just open up my deepest stuff; like at a meeting for recovery; and have to just stay put. And keep at it and face forward; horrible. But I have to trust God; its almost unbearable. it feels like a Serial killer Im confronting is slashing me to death with a knife over n over n over.... The pain is horrible but I am forward; staying front... staying facing forward and speaking.
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Im finding that as I wake up in some of these meetings; some of these people are not very nice. I mean; ive been getting into trouble lately because Im around allot of very mean people. And I think at some point ill move on as I get better... Im not that insane anymore... I am. but Im not..
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Im getting to this point that I could sit in my room and play video games all day long and communicate through the computer and that would be just fine.
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Im definitely a neighborhood middle class kind of home person. introvert... And Im starting to remember and get that kind of thing back even tho the sadness of being pulled from my earlier life is overwhelming; that someone would do that.
I was watching crime show... Detective show; Im not the only one.... So; Ill keep working with God.
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It will be nice when I can handle being outside again and accepting of what happened to me knowing the people from the past; some of them aren't my friends and never were. And Im not sure what they were; they were criminal like; white collar criminal types... They were allusive and cunning... I never even thought of such things. I had no idea I would get destroyed. I was just a nice kid when I was young... sensitive and decent... And that part of me is coming back.
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I made one good decision; I never gave in and I never gave up. And now I get myself back... And Im able to look back at the filth I dealt with hiding behind false masks and false personalities and identities; and Im able to say that I caught them... and did it before it was 2 late and got help. And now I get to go back to being myself again. Its just a matter of time. But Im still in the middle of this mental illness; its a brutal long term affair; very serious situation. My mind does not snap forward... I do not have control of it; when it heals things get better; when I can prove that the present is safe; it will start to come back... It was completely closed off from reality and had a thick; like a 2-5-6 foot wall all around it; like insolation; mental insolation. It was like living at the bottom of a swimming pool full of water...
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So; Those scum that I knew are just that; scum and their no longer around and I get to be me again and do the things I like to do and be who I like to be... But I still need recovery. I cant do this alone. Not yet; not strong enough yet...
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My life is slowly showing up like the tide coming in from the sea and with it certain aspects of my life are returning to me...
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Imagine coming down; walking down a pathway from the mountains; its been windy and cold and snow forbearing onto clouded mountain passes... everywhere is snow and more freezing ice sickles... and Im walking down a path full of ice n snow.... And as I walk and think and imagine; slowly the ground before me begins to change. Soon it orange and brown with black laced rocks... yellows appear in patches of old broken grass branches... suddenly the trees are slowly but green And fallen leaves and acorn allorn the ground below... in isometric inconsistencies... And as I wish and imagine; the ground is now green below and in front of me... and grass is growing and trees and brooks bend with the atmosphere... As I slowly make my way down the mountain and suddenly animals appear and cross the pathway to other animals on the other side... and soon Im on rocky flacks of roadway debris. and chestnuts and gravel and greenery everywhere... Going down my pathway...
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A little while longer and to the right of me I watch as 2 hikers show up next to me going in the opposite direction....
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I help them out; they give me some money and down the pathway is a car and I buy the car with the money the hackers gave me. and more n more people are showing up... and passing me by. And now some are going my direction on different trails... And many people are bus-ly moving to and fro...
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Things begin to show up; my life begins to show up...
However; I noticed in the writing I just wrote as Im coming down the mountain; I felt scared and overwhelmed and frightened and over fatigued. And things were showing up I didnt want to face or deal with...
and this reminds me of the anger toward my father... He was a criminal that is why; their was actually no father... just a person that caused criminal intent to harm against myself and my brothers; thats all this animal was. nothing else. He was a fake. He was a dangerous perpetrator. He was not a human being and should have never had the right to be around children; they carve children up and destroy them; they are monsters these villains and they will destroy all people they are associated with and turn on all people they are associated with; they have numerous masks they wear and Im still in terror from what happened... Terrified; Im lucky to even have any Time on this planet to have developed another chance to be myself again or trust again. I have to keep working with God its all so sad...
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So; Im over any of this yet... ive still got areas that are compartmentalized within me that I have too get back and take ownership for... Im attempting to get the brain from the past and bring it back up to the present and learn how to take care of it and not wound it or self inflict hatred on it... out of frustration and being tortured... over n over n over.... so much of it never ending... ever.
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So; Im in the middle of things. But Im not in the middle of things; Im now down the mountain; but Im safe... Im not completely down the mountain; Im down the mountain. Im out of that part of the mountain on to safe ground... Im down out of the mountain.... something like that. coming out of the jungle.... back to home.
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