June 2025
May 2025
The first girl I loved is a liar and a thief. She was wealthy; wealthy enough to be in a different bracket then I.
I was not asked by her to meet her or come to her house.
She is a strait A student and does not need my help. She does not need me...
She does not want me; or anyone like me.. Never asked to meet me.. or meet someone like me; as fare as I know...
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Why do I feel the need to sell myself or put on a sales job to be accepted by a liar and thief; a liar and a thief from the day she was born; I guess. Why do i feel I need to run up and sell myself to someone like this.. Thats what I did.. I was like a drug addict and she was the drug!
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She comes from a family system of liars and thieves.. She does not need me. And its really non of my business. And her life and life style are non of my business. Nothing about her is my business. I fantasized about her and got in trouble because she left and never came back and I was stuck with the fantasies... just a hand full of fantasies. However, I have God; and Im taking an inventory to see what it is I was seeking from her and to have god slowly heal me and bring those things I didnt get from my parents; and didnt get from her; and having God bring the right valued people in my life to help. God first tho...
I want to save her; help her; and through love; I want to change her into the sweet girl she should be or can be? I saw a sweet girl in her; a sensitive beautiful girl; I Was Wrong!
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No one existed the way I wanted them to be. Who or what ever they were was just fine. However, I would not be able to a part of that... I would have to leave immediately.
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She did not ask me or anyone else to help her become something or to become the sweet girl she can be the way I saw her to be; she certainly didnt ask me to do this for her. I imagine she will ask someone of money to help her out with this... She wont be asking me for this... I got a rude awakening and slammed against the wall; MONEY! I simply was not of that stock! I could be if I work with the universe; but I did not come from any background. I came from a trauma tribe.. I came from a TV set; into the real world; nothing more...
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If I enter her property ( When Young); Im immediately setting myself up to be lied to and ripped off; conned and stripped of every value or valuable I have... She is a con artist liar and thief; That is what she is and does. She does not tell the truth. she also uses violence by buying others to do her dirty work.
What exactly am I expecting to have happen here! If I hang with her; what did i think would happen; Id be safe?
I think I had a cartoon image of her and our life together...
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I want to save someone; no one at that address wants to be saved. If I have a purpose of saving people; Ill have to talk to God about it and be led to where those people are... its not at the address of this girl( when I was young). This girl did not want to be saved; had nothing to be saved about!
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THese people are my enemies; not my friends... THey dont respect me; never will! Ever! They did not ask me to associate with them. They never wanted to meet me... WHat am I doing around them or up at their homes... They see me as a fool if I ever travel around their home; they will knife me to death with every kind of knife that can destroy; including real ones at times...
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This girl had no concious; But that never bothered her.. and it never stopped her from going after the life she wanted.
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I ran after her and was destroyed. What i wanted to put into her life; I have to go back to God and put it into God and let God bring it to me...
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I was turning this girl into my mother and father and sister and brother and GOd and savior... Once seeing the kind of power she had in my life; she trampled me under her feet turned and tore me to pieces and then went away and acted like she had never met me... Like she was superior to me and never talked to me again; made me out to be a nothing and her superior. And such is the way of these creeps! They were werewolves vampire jackals... What did I expect...
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So; I have to turn to God; and work through God for answers; answers I was turning to this girl for... I have to stop taking my business to psychopaths and start taking it to God!
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I seem to want some acceptance by these liars and these thieves. I want to be noticed... Ive lost touch with reality.
This girl that is a liar and thief will set me up and rip me off the second she gets a chance; These type of people do not respect people like me... I am their enemy.. not their friend...
This girl never said she was my friend nor wanted to be nor did she suggest she was looking for a friend.
I was looking for a friend; Why would I look for a friend in a house full of thieves and con artists and liars...
This girl never asked me to address her problems or situation or evaluate her situation and then report back to her on what I found...
This girl will play me into the ground the moment I set food on her property; she is a back stabbing 2 faced liar cut throat... And thats who she attracts; in a kind of white collar world... But even that is non of my business for she is non of my business because I was not invited to be part of her business; Instead; I had to invite myself so her house hold and her life could be some of my business and I was destroyed very very easily for doing so.... It did not take much to destroy me. I was a sitting duck.
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NOTE; Its as if Im avoiding my own business; my own life and how to get answers for my life.
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I complain that I was not valued or even sub valued. Well; the answer is to never associate with those monsters again! And to start seeing them for what they are!
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The question is; what happens before this.. Why am I compelled to go up to some ones house; what am I trying to accomplish or run away from... What am I running away from.
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The problem occurs before I ever meet these people in this houses; why do I need to go to this person or her house; why?
What do I need from her that I can get somewhere else that is safe! ... What about turning to God and working with God...
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Why would I think I have to go to a liar and thieves house to have a relationship with someone... Why do I think Im going to get a relationship with someone at a place like that. Why do I think its going to be safe for me to obtain a relationship with someone. Why did I find someone in this scenario attractive. I think I was living in a dream world and thought everything was safe...
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Why did I think if this person wanted a relationship with me; why would I not think they are lying; setting me up. Why would I think they could do anything else but set me up! Why would I trust them? that is insane...
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Why would I think they are going to connect with me in unison and not set me up and take advantage of me; when their whole lives; that is all they do to other people.
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ultimately; that is what they did with me; just as they did this with numerous people before me and after...
Why am I surprised that they dont remember me. Why would they; I was just a mark they ripped off a thousand years ago...
Why would I think Im special in this persons eyes? What for! THis is a very good question... They dont think Im special in their eyes; and that is also very good information.
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Obviously I need or want someone to think Im special in their eyes; why would I think this person who is a liar and a thief; why would I think they notice me! why would it be important to me that they notice me...
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I need to be noticed; Where would GOd send me. Thats what I have to work on!
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Hopefully with time; I can see that people like the ones Im talking about in this blog; that they just go away from my nervous system and thus; I allow God to bring better people into my life... attract better people... I must allow God to do his work.. Ive been stuck under the bridge of bad people and their trauma bonding; convincing me I cant do any better... liars and thieves...
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Wealthy people from wealthy families; marry wealthy people like themselves. Why would I ever attempt to impede on their lives. Why would I show up in their lanes; that is the last group of people I need to show up for: I would show up for.
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However, I feel this empty loss; like; I want them to save me... so I can be at a safe place above the world. I want that safety to rap its arms around me and hold me warmly so I can feel safe and re build a foundation and start over.
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THe psychopath does not remember me nor care; ever; for the remainder of their lives...
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So; I need to turn to God to be saved and have God bring me above the world; Not turn to the devil; turn to evil in the world and expect something from them; and thats what I did; I expected the world to save me; and it spit me out... and Im mad about it.
However; I must have more faith in God and work with the Universe on all that I want!
Im starting to get it; just a little.
Im worth more then this. Ill work with God to bring me better people and places and things; and that are safe! Ill be in Gods realm first; learning how to trust God with these things first. And then see what shows up. Its my business with God and no others.
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