June 2025
May 2025
The past has been something Ive been addicted to. Ive been addicted to the pain and pleasure but the comfort of hiding. Im hiding from the other bulling PTSD that is going through my mind that is always back in junior high or high school. For their was nothing else at that time and no schooling or learning; insane but I was thrown away.
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So; Im always looking for ways to hide... hide from the tortures of other things I went through when young.
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Working through the past. Some of it is showing that Im working though it; sometimes I get hit with a heavy thought; a thought of something I did as a kid that meant something to me; but then Im reminded that the person I did this with was not good and no good for me and never knew me. The mistake I made was; he or she had contempt for me from the beginning. They were never my friends and did not know anything about me. SO; when they got the chance to turn on me they did; but they had all ready turned on me. They were never with me in the first place.
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I realized through watching forensic research from detective shows; its possible to gather information and start figuring out what happened to me. And I have. And because of it; Ive found several people that prove not to have been my friends and should have never been involved in my life from the beginning. I have to go back to the beginning of my life and get them out of my memory. They dont care; they think they are better then me or something sickening. I dont associate with people like that. I thought I was making friends; I was wrong; I was being manipulated by con artists and that was all it was. But it gets worse as they led me on in incredible ways way beyond the norm of a player or hustler; more like the mind of a murder'r. Thats what they were...
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So the question is; how did I end up around those type of monsters. And thats what Im trying to discover to I can put a stop to it now... ITs like a tractor beam I end up around them being attracted to them. Also; Im getting pulled in through trauma bond...
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As for the girl I liked when young; MISTAKE... and I have to break that down and accept that. Not make reservations over it; it will take time to let my ego go and my pride and accept what really happened. I ended up around a monster that was taking advantage of me before I even got their; typical criminal. I got hustled; I didnt expect that. but thats why I got hustled. I had a certain amount of pride and ego; and thats what was honed in on... Thats why I was played. I was looking to cool resentments and they saw that... They played me like a fool. But this is different. I was more innocent and nice and naive; thats what they saw; no walls up. free shot right to the throat. No conscious.
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Lets look at another view of things.
THEy had money; both people; the person I called my friend when growing up; and the girl I liked up the street growing up; They were from the same kinds of families and very similar type people.
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Heres the deal; I was a sensitive broken person with no future; I could not have one; I was to broken. My potential meant nothing to these people; my friend when young and this girl I liked; they think like that; who does.
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I wasnt in their league; I mean; I wasnt; I really wasnt. I was a nice guy. But money wise future wise; no way/. It really wasnt my fault.. They could have gotten rid of me based on that... real possibility and probability that they did. My problem with this is; What was I thinking; who did I think I was that I could hang out with people like this and think they were honorable people who would value me... thats right where the heart of this reality his hitting.
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How not I get back to reality on this; and come clean about the realities of things. Those people are not going to hang out with me; why would I think they would; just because Im a nice guy; thats not enough for people like that; In fact; this money this solves it completely. They got rid of me coming around because they thought I was a loser. But that was because of money; but their were more reasons they didnt want me around; and thats what got me mad; things like Im weak or Im stupid or am A REAL LOSER... When I ws never a real loser or anything else. I was a mentally injured person who was de frauded when young and lost him home when young... I get it; but they tried to make me out to personally be less then everything. That started to tell me more about them then about myself.
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I put more into what these people thought of me then what I thought of myself; they were my saviors; they were literally going to save me because they were good people of value and if I had relationships with them; that showed I was having success in life by who liked me. But it backfired; They ended up throwing me away and not liking me. And I was never prepared for that; I never saw that coming; that made no sense to me; Im to nice a decent person. So; after being destroyed and crushed and having nervous breakdowns from all this stuff and all these people. I had to start researching what the cause of all this was.
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My findings show that I was a latchkey kid thrown away from my home young; no one to talk to about it; no one cared; I didnt know anyone to talk to about it. I looked for people I could love or that would want me. I looked for good people that looked like what I knew myself to really be inside. And I found them; what I didnt know; they never liked me and they always saw me as worthless trash.
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What I didnt know; I was a nice guy; they were not just stuck up people who were better then me or had more money then I did.
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They judged me to death and had problem doing so; they were treating me like I was less then they. They were not my friends so; they were never my friends; this is important. Was their any proof that they did not want to be friends with me from the beginning; Yes; all kinds; but I ignored it; I knew my worth; so I didnt care. Later this will destroy me.
Why did these people allow me to come into their homes; I dont know. their parents allowed it; either they felt sorry for me; I dont buy that; or; they wanted something from me. They were allowing it because they were using me; they never really wanted me in their families; I found out the actual friend I had was never really a friend and become a complete stranger altho the rest of the family knew me... Thats not what I wanted... The kid I met when young was my friend; that was my reason for knowing him. That was my value. What these people did was reverse values on me; they made me into the loser bad person that didnt have any values and thus made themselves out to be higher level human beings with higher values. Who does this? psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists... pathological liars and performers; criminals; bad people; sycophants... Decent people dont do this.
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So; I negated that fact I was around bad people that weren't decent and I payed the price for it. But I become more needy upon them. I become dependent... But they had their own lives and didnt need me.
they left me.. They did this because they functioned in the school system and did well; I would have but didnt... to much dissociation and trauma.
The other problem was; these monsters were actually like criminals and I never knew. I was giving my friendship away to monsters; and thats the other side of it. I never found nice people to be friends with; they only looked the part. They were unscrupulous remorseless hustlers sociopaths... sadistic at times in some things.
The girl I liked. WRONG. I was being used before I ever got to the front door; she was a player playing me; I did not know! Some how as she was using me and playing me It went completely over or under my feet and my head and I had no idea what was going on. I thought she was just my friend who wanted to be with me because she was being thrown away by her parents and her parents didnt care about her; I thought we had that in common. We did not; Nothing was wrong with her; it was all fake. I was being faked out by someone who had nothing wrong with them and had no problem with their parents or anyone else. I was lied to; thats all this was; I was set up the minute I got their. I did not know.
It was like Robbers who bring drug addicts back to their houses; they shut the lights of of the drug addict; they beat him over the top of his head; knock him out and take his money and leave...
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Same for me; I was being fooled; they were never my friends or anyone elses friends; I picked the wrong kind of people to be friends with; but I didnt learn my lesson until it was much to late. I'm just now trying to learn how to get over that mistake and clear up my thinking and move on with things as the nice person I am and always was.
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My mind is not mine; not yet. Its still owned by those I had trauma bonds with.
Both these people I told off in my own way... I found out about both of them the hard way. The girle was the hardest;' she said I meant nothing to her. This suggests to me a player that never wanted me or liked me from the start; but more importantly she did not think highly of me; she thought nothing of me lowly of me and that I was easy to take advantage of ...
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I was around the wrong people; I mean man; No one could haver picked the wrong people like I did; but I wanted safety. I did not have anyone else so I gravitated toward these people as friends. I did not know who or what else to gravitate to at the time; who else; I didnt know.. I still dont know; I was probably afraid I would be bullied in school; I had no one; no real family; no real purpose; no nothing. SO; I was looking for all those things in others. And I made them more important then I was. However, in their eyes I was nothing. They didnt know me. They knew nothing about me. Nothing. I went to them; they never went to me. They were around me long enough to see my human worth; but it mattered not because they weren't human. I didnt know that about them until later; until after doing this work...
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They were like Jeffrey Dahmer
American serial killer
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Thats kind of what they were like; the same kind of people; and once I realized that; in a kind of controlled concern or fear; I got out of their... and I never went back; but that still left me alone with no clue on how to become a human being; Those friends were the last vestige of hope I had on this planet of being accepted by someone. later when I found out what they really were like; it didnt really matter by then; I was in the recovery process.
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I was able to get over the friend I made when a kid. I spent time with him later and could see first hand I was correct... he was more sociopath then anything else. or what ever. I mean; he was not someone I would recommend being friends with to anyone ; you would have crazy to do so... Im hiding something hear; putting the blame on him for me being a loser. So; he still was a sociopath; but I was still a loser and needed to address that. Im talking about private things those people did not know anything about.
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As for the girl; thats different; more heart felt and confused; I really liked the girl but found out it was nothing but contrived laziness on my part; she was not a humanoid that was capable of such things; what a joke... This person was not capable of having a friend. Ridiculous; What have I done. Why did I go to the most messed up people to attempt to claim Im going to have a friend; thats ridiculous. However, I didnt know any of this at first; nothing; it was all opened to me and I had a nervous break down. Now I know...
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They are still not out of my system yet; but getting closer; specifically the girl; lots of her is out of my system because I know to much; Im sober and I know the truth; but she is still stuck at the base of my mind and still surfaces when I want to feel sad intimacy; However, God separates those throughs.. God comes in and breaks those thought away from my inner personal thinking. Like remembering when I was close to someone and felt love; I do that with this girl; and its all fantasizing and God stops it as it should be because im just hiding in it...
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Its like Im hiding in a swamp in the back woods until I finally cant take anymore of it and its time to get out of the swamp and get on with a new life. Thats where Im at now.. I hardly feel like I have any control over my slothful attitude about everything; Its like Im 2 different people; One that wants to move forward; the other one that wants to sleep; horrible.
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The real world is getting a hold of my mind and bringing it back to a productive level of reasoning and sanity.
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So; Allot of this is about getting control of my own mind.
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