June 2025
May 2025
So; the phase is kicking in...
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The idea of getting well enough to respond to what I want; I fight for what I want and go after what I want; thats the next big thing.
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NOTE: I never realized how alone Ive been all my life... From the day I was born.
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Im now working the idea of responding; fixing responding problems from the beginning of my life.
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I see myself stunned and cut off from responding to myself; going into shock and then stunted; dumb'd trauma state. Im now fighting to come out of this dissociative state and learn to respond to what I want.. go after what I want right now.
Its a real trip working with the universe on this one because my mental condition is protect that specific area of my mind and nervous system. SO; its going directly against the protection of damage... I'm watching it kind of work; hasn't been but a very short time; like this morning it really kicked in as an idea; its happening because Im happening.
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Ill grow back into my life. I have a picture; I remember at age 14; I remember going on a trip. THis is before I was destroyed by the girl up the street or the witch up the street; thats a better example; pure evil. I didnt know. I had no idea.
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I remember being 14; I think thats where the universe is taking me; back to 14; in fact Im almost sure of it but its before the next level of disasters... Meaning; after 14; Ill hit a whole new set of disasters..
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The key is to be with God from now on.
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WOMEN; my primary interest is having girlfriends again; the problem is simple.. Im not around any women to date. Women do exist in the fellowships I attend but their not for dating; not for me. THey are not my kind of women.
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I have proven since being awake; I still attract women...
THE PROBLEM IS: Ive been schizophrenic concerning women and social. ITs like they exist in my fantasies but not in reality; those in reality have been untouchable. Its de realization. However, some signs of that are breaking; I have proven I can walk up to someone and ask for a conversation. Ask to sit down and talk; learn to just have a conversation. Ive been able to tell someone how I feel about them. " I like you" " This is why" " your a cool person"; Maybe I could have done that all along but never knew it. In fact; information would suggest I could have done this all along but I get so caught in de realization and dissociation at times it feels Iike Im completely trapped inside myself and the CPTSD and Dissociative disorder completely take me over. HOwever, Ive proven I can do this; so Ill work with the universe on this opening thats happening for me.
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A few years ago before I went into this next round of recovery; I remember this women I talked to every night for a week. So; I got that far.. THe problem was; she was the wrong women.
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I remember once a few years back; in a room with women who liked me and doted over me; they liked me; but they were all married; it was more like I was a 12 year old getting attention; it was nice attention but their were no single women.
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Some of the fellowships I attend; the women are atrocious; No human being would want to get within thousand miles the bizarre arrogant personalities of these monsters. I went to a get-together the other day and made the horrible mistake of simply sitting at the same table as one of them; all I wanted to do was eat... SHe was trying to get this new guys attention sitting next to me. I made the mistake of making a few comments; I was publicly made a fool of in front of everyone as if I was hitting on her; she tried to act like she was a victim of my advances; ridiculous wierdo's; It really didnt matter concerning the room was full of the same kind of people. However, is this what i have to go through to get recovery?
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SO; I must work with GOd on who I really am and keep working toward who I really am and let the universe help me.
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I got an answer; a strait forward answer from a women yesterday concerning problems with relationships. Im to lazy. Its to easy to make excuses not to go the next mile and make someone a girlfriend... Ill have to have a new life for this; a solid life of some kind; Ill have to be back in my life again. Im scared it will all play out as my past has played out.
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Ive proven I can make friends again. THe quality of friendship is solid; unfortunately Im not sure just how much the people that are my friends; Im not sure at all they really know the real deeper me. Thats just the way it roles.
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Ill be writing up times and places and events I could not respond to or I gave up on; Ill look into them and re write and re imagine Im going to respond; Im going back to respond to those things; show up to those things I didnt show up; show up to that person I let go.
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My goal is to learn to respond.
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The first girl I loved; my first love taught me one thing; Regardless of how she acted in the beginning; she completely betrayed me in the end with no remorse; nothing. What does that mean; it means she never liked me; she was faking it. I dont want that in my life. I certainly dont want someone who is evil in my life.
Ill have to work toward what a non evil person looks and acts like and how I can be the same; be a decent person...
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Ive been around evil people all my life. I spend some time wanting to fix those evil people; Rediculous; The key is not to fix evil; its to run away; get help; get into recovery; work with God and the recovery process; get stronger; start working with others on plans to become the kind of person I want to be and attract; Become that person THen attract what Im looking for... If I want a nice person; I go find a nice person. I never get near evil for any reason.
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Back to the point of this writing;
The point is;
Im working on re writing a new script for times I dropped away; times I never cared; I gave up or became indifferent; Im going to write new scripts that indicate I do show up because I want to and Im energetic about it. That Im going back to the person I let go or the opportunity I lost. I never fight for anything; I want to fight for what I want; not just let it go... FIght FIght FIght for it. Show some interest! GO after something I believe in; find something to go after; find something to believe in.
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I was looking across the street today downtown; I saw these women. And I avoided and deflected and looked away; then suddenly the universe literally made me stop and look over at them and keep my stare; Why? Interest! Im suppose to be interested; not turn away. Im suppose to get interested and go after.... not turn away out of contempt or malac or what ever else negative I came up with.
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I have to go after what I want. I have to learn how.... When I saw these women; it was like looking at intellectual women.. thats whats been missing; the real me and the real people I should be associating with... its up to me to work with the universe; Im getting their.
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THe first girl I loved; I think about her all the time; THats because Im a great guy! Im a decent guy; Im a normal guy. Im a nice guy... Now; the key is to find someone worthy of it; not some filth I was trying to turn into a decent person Like the first girl I loved. What a joke all this has been... WHt a sad joke this has all been.
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In the end their has been plenty of people that have said I meant nothing to them; I'm sure I didn't; they were worthless filth; why would someone with no human values who is lawless have any kind of ability to have any interest in me. However, Ive been shocked by the lude crastless in human way of treatment these monster create in innocent peoples lives; its unbelievable.
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The key is to get away from the need to fix those kinds of monsters. Instead stay far clear of them; Learn to become the kind of nice person I want to attract.
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ANway; THis blog is about one thing today; learning to respond to my life so its a successful happy life.
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It all certainly appears to be long fight. However, a couple of things.
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1. Ive reestablished the ability to have friends at a basic experimental level; these are people Ive shaken hands with as friends; Both agree to be friends. I finally ask them to be friends and we shake hands on it. Ive done this a few times...
2. Ive been able to attract women for dating? Maybe! HEres the problem with dissociation everything becomes a form or color of limerence. So I have to watch it; Limerence takes over everytime from the beginning; its automatic. Some of this can be stopped if I would learn to talk to a person and have conversations with them and learn to go out with them call them...
3. I can love again; I can get married if thats what I want. Assuming I break through Limerence
4. Talents have come back by; 50%-75%; More realistically; Id say Im operating on a daily basis of 20%... But I could do much more if I really wanted to. Still; about 30% is not touchable yet. and about 50% is not touchable yet; thats a place after I create something good enough and consistent enough to perform or sell.
Realistically; what can I do right now; I can keep things alive solidly in Art on a daily basis. Im still in survival trauma mode. Slowly eeking my way out of that..
MUSic; Im able to play scales and write some music with the intent of performing it live. Im on that bent. Right now Im learning to keep it alive maybe a little more then that.
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5. Able to keep some things organized and maybe clean; we will see.
6. Weight loss? Dont know yet...
7. I have a slew of proper Hobbies I work on everyday...
8. Lot of the pain of the past is Gone...
9. Lots of the pain from my first love is gone? but theirs still enough work; Im not over it yet; its like its caught in that segment of my childhood thats part of my past; it needs to be uprooted and gone...
10. The study of success based thinking
11. a well developing relationship with a higher power.
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THe list can go on....
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My primary goal is to get over Sociopathic monster that played me when young and ruined me. TO get over it.. I was dominated; thats all that was about; something setting me up to control me and pull the rug out on me; thats all it was hatred. This was not my friend and this person did not like me. I found out much to late... SO; thats where the work is; to come back out of denial back into reality.
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And the list can go on... and on....
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Primary purpose in this blog; to respond to... learning to fight for what I want! Stand up for myself. That these things are possible and thats where Im at with the universe.
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NOTE: Im fighting for new things in my future; not fake things in the past that are ancient and gone... My mind is so used to fighting for the past; wanting to do anything to relive the past.. cant live without the past; its been trained to go back into the past for everything. Now; I want to learn how to focus on the future of what I want.... Its so very hard tho; Ive been put down 100000 times; the future can represent more road bocks and pain; However, as I write I also know certain doors open. I must learn to experience those open doors.
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!@ STEP MEETINGs;
THe reason the 12 step meetings are so important for trauma survivors; they allow a cushion between them and reality. As the trauma survivor deals with the reality of whats happened and gets closer to reality again; they kind of drop a notch closer to the ground; the ground representing the truth and sanity sobriety and reality. Having that 12 step family around eases the drop and strengthens the survivor at the same time; supports the survivor. At some point the trauma survivor shows signs of being on the ground and after slowly getting used to reality begins to naturally walk away from the meetings back into life; THats what Im waiting for. Im closer; but not their yet; but closer. Ill have to work with God on it..
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One advantage I have; no on really understands me; they dont really know why Im in the meetings; I give out just enough info to confuse most people who might be interested; Im a little of everything at every meeting. I never give out my full identity. THis is important because many people will try to keep me down and pulled down. THey dont want to see me leave; Ive spent to much time their; they dont want to feel like they got used and spit in the face and then one just leaves them; but thats what happens...
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Im getting closer but Im not their yet...
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Small private achievements are occurring strengthening my ability to re enter society; but not yet.
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One area is my first love; It must be over with... I must have a grounding acceptance that this person did not love me; did not; did not like me. did not want me; did not want me around.
She did not want me around; That statement seems to be a hard one... but its true.. Ive got to get to a place that I have myself and God and I dont need anyone else regardless.. It doent matter what these other goof balls think of me on this planet; non of them; they are sickening wierdo's anyway; all of them. I was used because I let them use me... When I stop allowing people to use me it will stop.
(no one loved me); nothing.
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Why my first love is such a hardcore case of letting go of my pride; I don't know. Its like entitlement; I keep trying to make this thing out to be something it is not. Ive got to learn to love myself as I am with out any co dependent outside nonsense of my value or worth... I have to know my worth regardless. Its OKE if this person did not want me around; Damn; Ya know; its OKE: It doesn't have to mean anything; Man O man! WHy do some people like myself get so caught in this fantasy nonsense; crazy!
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I wasn't just not wanted; I wasn't wanted around. SHe did not want me visiting her house or coming around her. Why cant I just accept that. I guess I put my worth and self respect and self esteem in knowing her... if I knew her and she accepted me; that means Im somebody... Well; I have to learn that I can make other friends; I feel like she was a failure for me. But in reality; their was nothing their to start with... Nothing. I was never invited by her. She was clueless to what this strange person was doing at her home. WHy couldnt I have just seen this first.
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Ill pray about it; I am getting closer; Im able to see the big picture; this was someone that did not want me around and never liked me! So much for my fantasy! Its like; OKe; accept it; it doesnt mean anything! Ill have to work with GOd on my worth concerning what this means; it seems to be this big big deal when I hate that it does.
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Family that didnt want me;
Went to the meeting to talk about it. THe original family system that didnt want me; they just used me destroyed my life and my future; dumped me. I went and found friends; but they didnt want me but they never told me; they were just using me because I was alone and they could get away with it; until I got a little older and wanted to get rid of me. They were never my friends; nothing. THen theirs women like my first love; they didnt want me; didnt want me around; never liked me. I just never got it. They may have just been uncomfortable with me so they kind of faked it; fake smile until I was gone.
I need some kind of escape from all that. Ill pray about where. Where to go to get away; I had no where for support; nothing. nowhere. nowhere to go; nothing! What do I do.
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SO; now Id like to go somewhere besides these stupid meetings for support. Somewhere else for relief... something. anything.
Our partner
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