July 2025
June 2025
Primary relationship Im working with is My First Love; That is all Im working with until I and God work together and find an answer for me to come out of denial and let this history or need to hang on to this history; let it go... This will take much work... Sometimes its like dealing with hard rock surrounded by an army of orgs who are built for hatred...Hating me; That part of me that hates me for trying to dig this up and get rid of it ( This thing has put me to sleep and Ive lived off it for long enough). Ive been living off it for a long time; all my life. I have a side living on her memories and stories much like my body lives off of sugar; it feels good( keeps me sleepy and asleep) but its destroying me. Cant I do better then this.
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NOTE: The kind of answers Im looking for from the universe; #1; proof she was not my friend. Im not suggesting whether I was her friend or thought I was or wanted to be... the question is; in her mind; what did she see in me; was I her friend. What was she really thinking about. Did she really ever like me. The answers are showing up. If I can prove she was not my friend; never wanted to be. Never suggested she was; Its this kind of information that makes it easier to simply chalk this whole thing up to an innocent mis understanding and move on... Thats what Im looking for; facts suggesting nothing was their... Not friendship or connection. If I thought a connection occurred; it was in my head.
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NOTE: Look; non of this is fun; this is what mental break downs are about; finding the truth I cant handle; deep down inside; realizing all my feelings were for nothing; no one really liked me. She didn't really like me; and then Im devastated to face it and Im torn to pieces; Sure; no one wants to go through this; but doesn't God have something better for me and something real. Its like being addicted to sugar.... its mindless.
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I Fancied myself someone who was meant in good stead with this girl.. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I meant nothing to these people( Her or her family) or these people or anyone like these people. I meant nothing to them( I meant nothing to anyone). I was way out of my grounds; or my league ( completely); I really had no reason to be up there. And Ive got to work with the universe to slowly pull away very slowly slowly from this... And Im working with God on doing this slowly.. Ive got to detach and the universe will giving me grounds for doing so.... I deserve better then this.
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NOTE: IVe been through this before; I went through the same things with the best friend I had when very young; I made a mistake. I met a best friend that never wanted me. He turned out not to be my best friend or even a friend... THey ( his family) never wanted me around. And he was never my friend; he thought he was superior to me and that I was white filth or white trash; I scenerly had no idea... I mean. Im not white trash so I never thought about it... My first love; She was exactly the same. My actual love for her was hidden deep inside me; I never said a word. She turned on me and never came back and could care less as if I never existed. I was left with nothing. Was she a friend of mine; I dont think So! I mean; We never had the connection I claim we had; and thats where the problem lies; my limerence... to much info coming from my fantasies about this person and not enough from actual data from the actual situation that occured in reality.
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So; lot of work here.
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some shocking and stunning news; I may have already dealt with all of this once; but it was so over my head in pain and sadness and trauma; It all went away into amnesia; and now; by working on it all the time; Im simply remembering what already happened; All the work is opening up the amnesia; actually; the amnesia was opened or pliable because of all the recovery work through the years; Now; when Im attempting to look into what happened with me and this person; this girl up the street I fell for... altho hard; things are moving forward and information is being remembered; is it real information or limerence created false information; that is for me to find out and work with.
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I remember much more now then I did; then I used to... And I was already thrown away by this person and she was already gone... and I was already dealing with more trauma... and thus my mind finally gave out and all my past disappeared... I forgot that I knew anything about what had already happened.
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Not Popular In School....
I had already been thrown away when the person( this girl) realized I was not popular in school; suddenly I was out. And that was that! IT was like being beheaded. I was no longer invited up to see her if I called her... It was over right then... Actually this whole thing was over before it started. The main problem is; Was their any potential between us; NO! it was a lie. IF she had known I was not popular and was flunking out of school and came from a trauma background and was not popular; NOTHING; She would have never associated with me under all conditions would have never known me... Nothing; and would have erased all past associations with me as if we had never met; and she would deny ever knowing me or hanging out with me or talking to me or any kind of inneractions... I would have been erased off the earth; And I was! She erased every knowing me or ever spending time with me.. What kind of person does this sound like to you? Or to me? A junior sociopath? No conscious; nothing.
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So; as hard as this is; part of eliminating my memories of that person is to remember that I was only allowed to her house the few times. I was visiting a stranger. She may have thought I was just a normal person from the neighborhood.. When she determined I was white trash or all alone or broken and in trouble; one of those lonely alone persons with no family; I was dumped immediately.
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It seems the problem is; I cant accept myself as being dumped; and as one of those throw away alone people because; that would mean I would not get a girl like that up the street; and I just couldn't deal with that; I had nothing; and this did not seem fair to me. I had a kind of entitlement. Now realizing I never had a chance at all. My worst fears were realized. I never thought I had a chance with her; I never understood. This was a mistake of identification. This was a mistake from the beginning.
false impressions;
This person thought I came from the same economic background she did. When she found out after awhile that I didn't; it was over. I was done... Period. I mean; that quick! I was nothing here. I was deemed a liar and asked to leave or not to call and not to come back...
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So;Im the one who could never accept this. I took it personally; Yes I guess its a hardship. However, I was not suppose to be their in the first place.. I got a big head over it; thinking I had scored big and God had followed through... God found me this perfect girl to love. ( Why did I think God found her; Why did I think THis specific girl was a girl or the girl God would send me to love?; I mean like What?) Well; I guess not. God may have had nothing to do with it... I found myself looking for love in the wrong place; and never knowing it until I was confusedly in to deep. I didnt know what was going on either... I didnt know she didnt like me.. I just didnt know. Know one wants to know they are not liked; But its not fair blaming her for it.
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NOTE: I Was not looking for love; I was looking for friendship...From a real friendship sent by God; I could build on that... But God never sent one. Or I never met the real people God was trying to set me up with... they are still out their...
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And thats where I have the denial; Im blaming this person as if its their fault. Its not their fault. And that is what I have to work on. Its my fault. And I dont want to look at it. Its like all of this is to much.
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I am waking up right now and allowed to look at these things and process them; and thats what Im doing. I want to get to the bottom of this; grieve it and move on. ITs going to take a long while of work; but it is moving forward.
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I have to learn to like myself with out this person ever liking me or knowing me... And thats where Im so angry...
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I thought I had privilege; and that privilege was taken away from me. And I have to come to grips with it... Not for anyone else.... Just for me. I want to be taken care of; so I want people in line for that; just the way the child me wants it. Or; the child in me wants it set up thinking God set it up; the child in me is innocent; but I end up in not so innocent situations and the child in me comes out of his shell; only to be crucified and abused to the point of being slashed to death by these scum bags; Like this girl up the street. The problem is; why did I have a problem with this person; why didnt I just leave... why! I can feel it while Im talking. I thought I had something their... I thought I had it going on. I was a nice person and thats all I needed; I was crucified. I was crucified by a demonic monster; not sure why Im calling the person anything other... or why I would have any attraction to such a person.
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NOTE: Why did I think someone was suppose to be my friend just because I offered it; I put out the offer and it was declined and that was that; and it was time to go home. But that wasnt good enough for me. And thats the whole problem of this story...
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My problem is limerence...
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Why was I attracted to her and others like her from my far past; because I thought I could get away with it. I thought it was working. I thought the ground in front of me was safe... it was not.. I was in denial and allot of trauma and I found myself at the wrong persons house... Why cant I wake up to this fact.
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I found myself in the wrong neighborhoods; No one liked me or accepted me in these neighborhoods; no one. I mean; Ive been slapped down in those places like I was White Trash; thats all I get from any of them... Thats all thats happened. Nothing more... What does that tell me...
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Well; Im trying to wake up to this fact and Ill continue to work on this over n over and over and over and over and over and over until it breaks and I come out of denial. I just cant seem to accept that the narrative of this situation; the way I saw it; I ws living in denial; Its like I needed some kind of stability in my life and I wanted to believe I was in control and demanded it and was untitled to it. And coming out of this denial is hard. Coming back to reality is hard. I dont have rights over other people. Its about me crossing boundaries all over the place. I had no business liking someone before I told them who I really was. I had no business liking someone or expecting something to happen from a neighborhood of people who were doing well financially and economically.. They didnt want me around... I guess I never got their message. I just could never see myself in such a low life way they did. I never got it; I never accepted that thats the way these people are always going to treat me regardless of who I am.
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I had no business in someone's house judging them. I was never invited into their personal space by them. I should have just let that go and shut my eyes and moved on outside and left with everyone else and never came back...
No one from that family system wanted to meet me... I mean; of course they didnt... they didnt know me... I mean... even talking about it is sickening..
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I was never suppose to see that person in their personal space unless I was invited; and I was never invited. This person did not willfully allow me into their space to take a good look at them with their walls down; This person never invited me into their personal realm and then decided they liked me and thus with time let their walls down around me because they decided I was safe... It was just the opposite. THey found me suddenly in their front room looking at them while they were working with a family member on something; Totally not my business. ( I was never invited properly into this persons life).
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If this person has seen me in the school system like they see everyone else; and thus saw me; was attracted to me in proper places and wanted to meet me under proper grounds; so be it; but that never happened; and that will never happen. And that never would have happened. I would have never opened up to anyone. I would have withdrawn from that place... and finally left that area.. and tried to go back to my home town. Their was no future in that area for me; that city.
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So; as I write; I get closer to the truth under Gods care... I have to remember to pray first.
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The point of all this is; I was living in a dream world; I was not invited. I was not invited to meet this girl; I was not invited into her personal life. I was not ever noticed by her ever for any reason that I know of; in the school system; we would have never met for any reason... Nothing. I was 1000000 miles away from this person on all fronts. We would have never met... Im the one having a hard time with this; in a real sense; I was never invited.
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I mis representing myself. ( I showed up at her house; this suggested I had some similarities to her life style)And I got caught. and it fell in... I didnt realize what I was doing; I was leading someone on to think I came from money; that I was on the football team; that I came from a nice framily; that I had strait A's in school. In a backward sense; I'm the one who set this whole thing rolling.. and it ended up backwards and I ended up getting crushed to death and thrown out. The girl was fine. She lost nothing... she never put out anything... I put out everything. I just didnt realize what was going on.
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Now; Im trying to forget and come back to the present; but to do so; I must pass through one wall; Something; anything that tells me the real truth about this person so I can believe it and let go of her. I have to know she never liked me. I meant nothing to her; she never wanted me; and it has to be proven to me.
I put out these thoughts and fantasies of her and I together... ( And they never happened) And they end up false. I have to know they would have hooked into nothing. And that is what i want and need the universe to help me with. To prove that this girl was not the girl I thought she was... It must be; because Im hanging on for dear life for something from something of knowing all of this is a lie...
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Im still hanging on; thats because of limerent thoughts I created around her. I have to watch it because I created those thoughts by being around her.. not associating with her. I did not associate with her. I was just around her and created the fantasy thoughts...
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NOTE: WHat am I covering up... Thinking about this girl all the time is covering the loss of a life I had before I met her.
I was worth more then this. I am worth more then this.
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God where were you; I just wanted a family.
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I was just around her; nothing else. OKe; I can handle that. But then I say; I created those thoughts; suddenly; its like Im taken into another realm where I have the right... Im not in my right mind. In realty. Im just a guy standing there; nothing more... nothing more ever came of it. TO look at me from a distance; I was just a guy standing their; nothing more... And I have to work on this and get grip; my mind wants so badly to switch out to a limerence position. I mean its crazy...
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Im trying to hang on; God knows all of this; and always knew all of this. I can feel God; in a kind of silent morning; Hes almost waiting for me... Allowing me to feel things.. He wants me to turn toward him.
TO be Seen as white trash;
The hardest part is not knowing. To not know any of this; that people saw me as white trash. But This girl didnt know I was of what they called the white trash community. THey thought mistakenly and innocently; that I was part of their community. Thus; She was a bit more friendly because of this; then I assumed she would be. Almost friendly; I really didnt get it. I thought something was strange or wrong. but Soon; when she found out I wasnt who I was pretending to be; It was over with immediately as if I had leprosy; My value was wasted on these people for a very long time... and I didnt know. But it wasnt the first time I had done this. I had done this with others. and lost; they finally got rid of me...
I never knew I wasnt wanted. It never occured to me because I never saw myself as white trash... If I had known they felt that way; I would have abruptly left and never associated with them; God would have brought others to me.
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I have to learn to come back to reality... And see things the way they are and turn from them and turn toward God...
God accepts me... It seems no one else does...
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And I have to wake up to this fact; because it is a fact. And with this specific girl of this specific time; Im having a hard time letting go. I am getting closer; the puzzle gets closer to being unraveled; its like Im working with a jigsaw puzzle of 2000 pieces; and slowly; Im figuring out the truth and pulling one piece from the puzzle at a time; each time i pull a piece away; the girl gets fragmented and the story pulled to pieces pulled apart.. More n more as each piece is pulled; the original story changes as more pieces that represent that story are pulled apart... Soon the whole of the puzzle will disappear and nothing of that original story under God and the truth will exist; for it never existed... So; what is the real story; God knows; GOd always knew... He knew I would be coming back begging on my knees.. I never knew God. And it scares me; I must have really created a limerence set of false beliefs and fantasies about that person. I was mentally ill... THese people didnt care; they were animals... Jackals; I knew that; but I didnt. I didnt know what it meant. I didnt know it meant death.... I didnt know. and I came back to God on my knees... I thought the girl was a nice girl. But thats because of my thoughts. The real person who represented those thoughts; I did not know her and its sticking; I actually spent very little time with her... if hardly any. I thought about her.. but never spent any time with her.
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NOTE: I wanted a nice girl; and she wasnt it!
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So; Im slowly getting a better picture of things. Im so sorry any of this had to happen. Im not sure where I got this; this is my best friend routine; I have to come out of this as well... I tried to make her into my best friend because I thought she was a nice girl; I Was wrong; but it wasnt her fault that I didnt know that. Even saying it; I can see the horror in allof this; I can see God lookign directly at me. Their was no best friend here; God was my best friend; I can see God jealous. God was my best friend. no one else. I was not suppose to be there.
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Now Im getting somewhere... I tried to make her into my best friend. ( The problem was; no one to start with. No potential to start with; wrong person).
I claim I loved sitting with her and talking to her; Now I question the whole thing?
I said; talking to her was better then talking to others; I can feel the limerence. I can see all of this covering up sexual abuse... I think I would think anyone was wonderful to talk to if they listened in a charming fashion.
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I needed a best friend; someone on my side...
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I turned a psychopath into my best friend... A narcissist or sociopath; sadistic... or what ever... that was... I feel so horrible... so used... But Im the one who used her; them! her family. I was trying to live of them in many ways and got caught and laughed at and asked to leave. I meant nothing to these people; I was a stranger.
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NOTE: I have to learn to allow God and me to define me and not the people on planet earth...
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So; I have to work on this best friend thing; she was no more a friend of mine then satan is a friend of santa claus.... Im not sure where I came up with this but I kind of do. ( SHe was a stranger) ( I had to have a friend; anyone if I was to stay alive; anyone; anything; someone; somewhere something; anything; desperation leads me on).
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The other person can be charming the whole time and listen... I mean; they come n go ; go along with it. Thats all it was; ( a moment in time for them; it meant nothing); a sociopath listening; nothing more; I was being charmed; it was fake; every second! So; this is what has to be worked on; until I can see that person; see satan in them; see their real face; satanic smile; all of it...
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NOTE: Its kind of pretentious for me to think they would be sincere; why would they be. Why wouldnt they be a deceptive criminal sociopathic type; why not! I mean; I didnt even protect myself; WHy? Why didnt I just leave ( why was I making someone; anyone into something from my imagination and thinking I would be safe doing so); I mean; seriously; is this story about the other person or about my lack of respond-ability to my own well being. I mean seriously; what was I doing . Im continually looking for sane evidence to prove this person didnt exist; not in the way my fantasy suggests.. Im suggesting complete delusion on my part.
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NOTE: ITs so very important that I prove this person was not my friend and get a grip. This is important for my mental health right now.. Nothing is more important right now then proving I never had a real relationship with this girl and she was never my friend. And thats she saw me as a stranger; she tried to be nice to me corcial a few times; then started getting intalorant of having me around and asked me to leave.. Suddenly never talking to me again and never admitting she ever knew me or had spent time with me.
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My biggest interest in all of this is proving she was not the friend of mine I thought she was. That she felt nothing for me; I mean nothing; Nothing ever! No attraction; no interest; Nothing and just quickly moved on after labeling me a weird creep...
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Im not sure it matters how long all of this will take; Ill continue with it under Gods care for the rest of my life if I have to; but Im going to find the evidence that she is not my friend... And Im going to convince the rest of my selves to leave her be and move on.
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Ive really got to a point I cant function without these co dependent limerent relationships of false based fantasy. I have to learn to like myself as I am with out all this fantasy... Ill pray about it;
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NOTE: I have to learn to like myself as I am with out all this fantasy... Ill pray about it;
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The key is; I have to have a relationship with God; I have no one else. That is the point. No one else liked me; no one else wanted to be my friend; No one! So; God is my friend... And that is the truth. And I want to be free of a false past. I hurts really bad; its sad; God will help me through it..
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It seems most families if not all of them saw me as White Trash and beneath them... No one wanted me around; to be with me or be my friend.. No one; they thought they were superior... All of them. No one wanted me...
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So; I must work with God on the solution to this...
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No women ever wanted me... No one!
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I will come to the truth concerning this girl from the past.. Its hard when I start writing about that girl in the past; suddenly my mind hardens up and takes off in limerence.. And it this limerence Im trying to break.. it will happen.
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Thats the problem; the limerence. Im getting closer... Ill get their.
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