July 2025
June 2025
Things are not perfect; their scary; especially as I remember; but Im getting stronger; I just am; Im getting stronger the way everyone with mental health problems wishes they could get stronger. Im starting to get my own back; my own power; my own authenticty... my own period!
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Im getting stronger.. Im coming back.
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Its a great deal; its not much to the outside world; but maybe; its enough to make a difference; like getting enough of a raise in pay from a new job to... Making a difference. its major noticable.
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Im trying to explain the insight of what is going on; Im starting to get that feeling of independence one gets when their loved with protection from a family that allows them to grow; Im starting to grow back....
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My First Love; She is starting to look like a very scary person. Im starting to believe she was a sociopath.. and some how; and Im now sure how; I got in her favor when I first met her; to a point that she thought I was a sociopath or of the same nature. When she found out I wasnt; I was destroyed; dumped; dismissed; that kind of thing. I dont know... The whole thing was so sickening and sad; at least for me; and much worse; I was torn apart; pulled apart; This monster was lawless.
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At some point if I continue to work the techinques God has sent me; I will work my way right out of her memories... I will regain my own memories and my own new life without needing to remember her; she wont be part of this; How can this be done? She will be replaced. For this to happen; more n more her power must be taken away from her by investigating my memories of her; looking for inconsistancies in my origional story of her. In my origional story of her; she is a saint who could do no wrong; a cinderella broken child that needed someone to love her... And thats the roll I wanted around her. In my origional story her perents dont like her or care about her. So; she understands me. Its me and her against the world. She is a sensitive innocent hurt girl. That is the story; But thats not what actually occured; and the more I work through my memories of her; the more Im finding things show up I didnt rememeber before; things I didnt want to see. THe universe is helping me.
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The point of all this; If I can prove this was a sociopath that was setting me to take a fall who felt nothing for me. This was a monster looking to victemize someone; a monster that had no value for me or anyone like me; could take me or leave me; didnt care if they ever saw me again; If I could prove this is who she really is or was; Why would it be hard to leave her or move on from her; it wouldnt. And thus; for a while now ive been investigating all of that information from my origional story with her; and Im starting to find many inconsistancies with this story. This story does not match the reality as I remember it.
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Im wondering if I made up this positive story about her; However; and in reality she was actually a cold hearted sinister evil individual and nothing more! She was a sociopath... I was kind of controlled or manipulated... I never saw it.. but thats all it was; cat with a string pulling it along behind them; but they clocked it or covered it that I could not tell; I just assumed this was a decent nice girl; It was not.
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NOTE: I later get into why I would ever end up at a strangers house; and end up thinking someone was a decent nice girl with out any prior knollege of the person; Truly insane on my part... worse then insane; Im setting myself up to be destroyed by any ciminal mind wierdo that comes along.. Even as I read the words of my own story here; I can see the boundary lines I crossed over n over with no thought of consequences.. And that may be the major problem here; Im not aware of consequences; I think Im a child back in my home town and Im reliving that Im in my old neighborhood.
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As a child I did the same thing; I made my nighborhood into a nice neighborhood with nice people and nice friends and so if I visited them all; I would be part of one be happy family; What I didnt know; Adults set those things up for a child to be safe first; I was not getting any help from adults; I was going off on my own and finding people and places and things; and altho as a small child; I thought I had things figured out and everthing was safe and innocent; I was many times wrong; I had walked into evils territory but never new it... I was never safe but never knew it... later; half that neighobhrood will turn on me...
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One main problem dealing with My First Loves Story; I see myself giving myself to her; my feelings; my love; myself! All of me dedicated to her! To love her.. Im doing that because she is this dream girl I made up in my head. However, looking back; I looked for proof of what was really going on here; in my findings; first; she is no friend. And; she is faking it. She is literally lying; she is faking everything.. She is acting; an actor or actress. She is cunning and playing a game and grooming me. She is doing this from the beginning. I can see it now; for some reason I didnt want to see it then; when I was first around her; Im starting to see many things in my encounters with her and non-of-them are good! Something is horribly wrong her... Im being set up by a very evil person with no concious and is completely lawless... And I must be in some kind of freeze mode; I was extremely mentally ill at the time; broken weak; no family on my side; nothing.. no real family; I cannot perfrom in school because of trauma and many other problems. Drug use will start to pick up in about 6 months... No schooling. Meaning; Im not hooked into anything; Im in survival mode and feel my time at that city or location is just to survive and make it through; thats all I can or want to hope for; their is no family for me and i know it... Im all alone.
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Back to the story;
In the present;
So; As I continue to perge myself of sychophant people from the present and the past. I start to become myself again; I start taking myself back; I take myself back from when I sold myself to others. I freely gave myself away to others; they trampled me under their feet; turned and tore me into pieces...
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Im not; not letting them have that kind of power over me again; because Im seeing them for what they were. And My GOd! I never saw them for what they were! Im wondering what kind drugs was I using back then... As for the people of the past; my mind was back in early childhood as I was being moved around to new cities in the present. In those new cities; I walked into wrong neighborhoods and met the wrong people and was decieved manipulated and destroyed. I never saw it coming; they did; they planned it that way. THey saw innocent blood; and thus hidding; they waited to shed innocent blood...
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The point is; Im authentically getting myself back; Im getting stronger... And no one from my past is involved; no one! All of this is coming from God; recovery; recovery village of people and myself. And Im starting to grow again... Its slow... I have no control of it; except to ask God for my help and guidance.. I do this numerous times during the day; literally half the day...
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Im starting to see a life enriched without any of those people from the past who stole my life from me.
It makes me sick that they never wanted to see me again or could careless; but I must remember; they never valued me in the first place.
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THIS PERSON WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME!
I thought this way about several people I befriended; I decided because I was a nice person I had met nice people; WRONG! Sorry! GOd did not set this up! I didnt know! I will find out the hard way and God will have to scrape me off the pavement; drag me to a safer part of the world so I can somehow learn to heal and survive again... I was wiped out.
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Where am I now; Im growing at many places within; its an inside job. First; I have a deeper trust or belief that the universe is helping me and can help me and will help me.
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I have a deeper understanding that the Girl up the Street; My first Love; and anyone else like her; was not helping me; and never intended to help me nor could ever care less; and I had made a mistake ever finding myself around such people. Because she never intended to help me; this is a sure fact she was not sent by God.. Thus I had made a huge error and turned down the wrong road; and alas; Ive did this numerous times creating horror stories for myself all along my childhood... and at many times without ever knowing it... without ever knowing it until it was 2 late...
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I found myself with people who looked like regular people; dressed like them; acted like them; Inside tho; they were jackles looking to shed innocent blood...
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Im working with the recovery process and God to slowly wake up.
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Unfortunately Ive had to work with God from the beginning without the help of any family system; Ive had to do things on my own with the help of the recovery system.
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Im learning how to get unhooked from the past; thats what this is all about. So; working with God higher power and over n over demanding God continue to work with me on this; THe universe continues to show up and work on this with me.
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The most important aspect for now is to get rid of my connection with the girl from the past; My fake first love... The information for that must be gone through like a detective in a crime story; the information must be finely analyzed looking for clues that will proove this person was not sencier but a cheap liar that sets people up to take a fall and then closes up shop and leaves...
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One of the major problems I had with " The girl up the street; my first love"; I identified with her at a frequency of sensitivity; she appeared to allow this process to happen as if we were soulmates at the same level and frequency; Horribly; In reality; nothing like this existed; she allowed it; but their was no one on her end with any emotional ties to anyone; she was a con artist and I was being played... This is no different then a criminal frawding as someone else to get people into volnerable sitautions to steal their money... It was the same thing. Im trying to get over it; its horribe; I was set up to believe her; to believe she would never betray me or leave me; that she was a trusted friend or had the potential for such things; But at the same time; this was nothing but a game; that she would pull the plug on as soon as she felt I had fallen for this act... I had no idea any of this was going on; but it had been going on from the start; for this was the only interest she had in me; that was to play me into ground if she could get away with it and then leave... laughing all the way to the bank; Thats all this was.. a spoiled person playing innocent people; in a sence; going into the community finding innocent people; luring them him; destroying them; and then covering everything up; so their was no proof. A murder'r; thats what this was...
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I meant nothing to her; What does that mean; its means; she didnt change her mind; It means she never felt anything for me from the beginning; ever; Nothing; zero; No attraction; no feeling; nothing. No nothing. one might say we were enemies inside; my insides; her outsides. I was with God; she was with the devil. SHe saw no worth no respect; no value; nothing! The problem is; I didnt know this. I tried to anylize the situation and I took information from observing her; I then computed that information and came up with a person; a prophile of her... And; I was 100% WRONG! 100%; not 99%; 100% WRONG; ON ALL INFORMATION..
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IT would have been better for me to just have turned around and gone home. In fact; thats what I should have done.... I was actually setting myself up with someone that cared nothing for me...
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Interesting tho; Is this not my mother inside this girl; for thats exactly what my mother thought of me; nothing. Same exact thing; same exact personality; same exact person?
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SO; I was seeking my mother?
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Anyway; the point is; I was surounding myself with murder'rs with my main on their charts...
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Today; I work with God to slowly review all this information and slowing sift through it with Gods help and prayer and meditation to find the truth in all this.
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THE GOAL IS TO HAVE THESE CONNECTIONS WITH THESE MURDER"S: HAVE THESE TRUAMA BONDS STOPPED...
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THe goal is to come back to myself.. learn to keep myself safe and protected under Gods care and stay away from those monsters.... learn with GOds help to disconnect from them; those from the past; chalk it up to experience and error; start over on the right track this time with God... and move forward.
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In many cases; Conserning the girl up the street; she put me in my place... That was her goal; She was out of my league and was going to prove it to keep weaklings like me away from her and her higher phase of life and privalage.
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THe horrible part; I just didnt know...
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Ill keep writing on all of this stuff; working with God; slowly moving through the past as partical by partical it leaves; and soon the garage Im cleaning out; The old one; will become clean again and the windows opened and the sun shinning through...
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So; Again; the number one goal is the work Im doing with my higher power to seporate myself from the Girl in my past I considered my first love. The goal is to get to a point of acceptance that their was no first love... And no one that ever qualified for such a thing. That the origional person I put into that role was actually a monster and not safe for humans to associate with.
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2 things;
First; I seem to be able to share most if not all of this at an open meeting with several people in a group. ALl that I write about; secondly; As I telve deeper into things; Im getting triggered from grief I think; owned by it.
Im wondering who had the problem when young; me or these other people; these other people I write about are turning out to be not so nice people... I mean; I really wonder. I say I give them to much credit. But maybe I needed to give them much more respect then I thought; respect to stay away from them. Ive talked about making them into best friends and girlfriends and first loves and stuff; and now Im like; maybe its enough I escaped them; regardless of the emotional dreams I had; it certainly wouldnt apply to those people; I made a mistake; A real mistake; Im lucky to have just surfaced and still have my life... I dont think these people are as safe as Ive made them out to be...
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NOTE: I dont think these people are as safe as Ive made them out to be... Im denile about this; this is the base of my dissociative disorder. I mean; this speaks for the story for itself. Im heading off in unsafe areas.... and Im getting slaughtered by unsafe; really monsterous unsafe people.. Im barely coming out alive and Im permenently destroyed. So; Being in this denile and trauma that stops me from feeling and dulls my thinking concerning who I end up around; this is a major problem in its-self.
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So; Ill keep digging concerning these people and the past; Ill never stop until I come to a conclusion on what is going on here.
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NOTE: I rode my bike through the grounds of a University; I saw severel people on the walkway or green grassy green way; I Thought; I cant be them yet; they have control of their lives; their going somewhere. Me! Im being controlled like a puppet from the past; repression and passive aggression and stuff; resentments. I feel like a useless puppet. Ill keep working on it... I couldnt even really go to college; Impossible in this state. could be present of owner ship of myself. 2 many people own me from the past.
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My past life is like a Cold Case File on Youtube! Im a detective and its my job to find all the evidence and put the story together so that I may be found!
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