July 2025
June 2025
Im not ready to handle a college class.. Anymore then Im ready for another first love.
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However; just that statement that Im expecting another first love. Im getting in touch with it; with that statement; Ive actually felt myself at that ground level of remembering her... Its such a shame; However, people die unexpectedly; and people either die with them everyday in a rotted out life; dying everyday until they die; or some of them get help; pick up the pieces as in structed by a higher power and move on; forward; no spoilers; no push... just taking it slowly one moment at a time for something new the universe will bring me.
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Im taking it slow as I wake up; The damn memories; seeing that person in my mind; and it was all like a fantasy that never happened... Because it never did.. It never got that far.. So close.
However, God has made it clear to me; That is of the old life... a dead life; Not my new one.
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I am struggling but doing well in the slow designing and chance taking of my new life; and why not with it a new maiden... It does hurt.
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I am extremely loyal; Im afraid it did me no good in this situation; in fact; of non of the situations of the past.
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SO; sowly allowing into a new life; and Ive got to allow God to bring me new women and experience them.
I must tell you; Ill will continue to work at it and get tuff to it until that time that even if I still have those sensitive grieving thoughts of the past; Im strong enough to have and be present for new relationships... new discoveries of a new life. The old life is dead... or had died.. or I died with it. Its like game over; I died and then within the video game they bring me back to the beginning again and re asserge me... spawn!
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So.......
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There it is... The crest of my heart is with past thoughts; and I have to work with God to re channel those thoughts into the present with God bringing me justly created new people and places and things.
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COLLEGE CLASS;
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I never got to be that middle class kid that got strait A's from birth; even though I was created for it...
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So; Im going to be that middle class kid that gets strait A's; Im getting him back; hes in me untouched; but from the past; I was smashed down so much!
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The new me has to become a new person and I have to become the original student potential of my origions before others brain washing pulled me down and buried me alive for the rest of my life... But that dead souls game is over... Im now becoming new.
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Its as if I was never any good in the school system; but I have allot of potential for things. if i had not been intimidated out of my life things would have been different. I never got started; I was in survival mode protect mode.. defense mode; fight or flight mode; dissociated from reality...
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So; The point is; My goal working with GOd is to take a class and get an A; Like a math class or something... Ill get that A because of the way I work at that class. Ill do class A work and get an A..
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I have allot of mental spiritual psychological damaged in these areas; emotional damage. Low self worth; self esteem; self identity; no boundaries and such; No self worth. Ill have to work with God on all this first and really want it first; I can all ready feel the pain of sexual abusers attacking in; confronting me and running over my boundaries when young. ANd then it flips to when I was 14 living with my mother; thus into more PTSD of other times; then Im back in my home town in grade school; this just flips n flips n flips into different time periods of morbidity and neglect. THis will not stop me.
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Im not ready to take a class yet.. or anything like it; Im just suggesting; Im working with my higher power to get my personal power back and my life back... And Im writing about my goals.. dreams..
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I get hit with horrible thoughts...
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THe things Im writing about where things I felt when I was a very young kid; about my future; I thought I was going to be taken care of and have a normal life; and now I would like to create it and bring it back.
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I dont know how or how long it will take to be present and independent enough to want to do well in a class.
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I would love nothing better then to get into school into a subject I really love and get really really good at it; To be able to get into something would be wonderful.
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Ill keep working with God on this.
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Video games and plastic model kits.
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Im up to 180 video pc games later! ANd for plastic model kits; Just bought 10 more old fashioned style pro level plastic model boats; vessels; 17th century vessels with sails like Pirate ships and the May Flower! 400-900 piece kits; pro level adult kits; That gives me about 180 plastic model kits of all kinds; ships; cars, tanks. jets, Trucks; all kinds of stuff... Ive got enough plastic model kits to literally last my hobby of creating for 20 years... literally... I take at least 3 weeks to a month when I create a car... I take allot of breaks between building plastic model kits; all good.
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Video game Hobby;
As for video games; I have to admit; I got obsessive. I started looking at Dark souls games; like Dark souls 1,2 and 3, Elder scrolls.. And I bought and found and bought some more. However, in this process I discovered many things while researching and buying the games I wanted; it created a kind of independent freedom development within the adolescents boy in me. . . It did cost me a hefty price tag; to discover these gems of interest.
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Im starting to understand something tho... The video games are horrifically good for my dissociative condition; as for learning to interact again with things in a work environment( using the computer with a computer program; this is a game computer program but its all the same; its all relative).. A video game is very easy to start up; play with and turn off when ever I get triggered... its fantastic to slowly wade into this work experience and pull back when I want to; much like taking ones shoes off and wading into the ocean from a sanding beach and then walking back onto land.
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The ability to thoroughly walk through a video game; getting into it; and finishing and completing it; this is O so good for my developmence; the idea of it( havent completed anything yet; just kind of getting started).... So; its very very good for me; ITs my Hobby!!!
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Ive about the same amount of games as i have model kits; They are my hobbies; I think it slows down now; the buying process. But Games and plastic model kits aren't cheap. Its best to wait for sales concerning video games and I have; On many of the games; But many of them are new or famous and not going on sale... Not really. And I wanted them now for my collection. Money adds up very quickly way beyond my understanding and view. If Im not watching it; I can rack up enormous amounts of dept simply because I just got to have that one game; Even tho Ive hardly watched any of the games yet. Its been fun and empowering to sift through reviews of games and click on their front pages and read about them; Its worth it for me. But Id never tell anyone else the money Ive sunk into these hobbies; especially while I haven't really build anything yet or finished a game yet; still; it makes me happy.
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Anyway; LOL; I all ready owe the money. I got a little carried away... Ill keep praying about it...
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I noticed it was good; looking through the pages of different games on gaming site; to look through and get into the games I wanted and watch for the sales and buy some more. Its true I can hardly watch and play the game for long; because of my dissociative condition( nobody needs to know that); but Im slowly learning to feel safe; I can always turn them off if I go to far into them and get overwhelmed... But its good for me; And its a sign of me taking over my life; taking back my life.
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I guess no one else would understand.
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I did the work to find out what my real hobbies are; They are Plastic model kit building; PC video gaming... Art and Music creation. And I writing...
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So; Im learning how to participate in these things slowly... I have invested in them. So; Im in! I feel like i've gone overboard lately.
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Heres the deal; I just sunk a small fortune into this stuff; Its a bit obsessive. Anyway; Ill keep getting my knees and pray about it. Im Oke tho. Im fine with it; but still; I hate getting out of control over something; especially financially. ITs worth it. I just dont want anyone else knowing because its embarrassing.
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So;
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Im headed to develop and believe in life again; in a new life; But not yet; Im still not out of the 12 step groups yet on this relationship work stuff; not this episode; As specifically relationships; resentments and sadness and grief. Im getting closer; my higher power is helping me... I need to break through on this; it will be awhile.
I want to see things from a new life perspective; not the old life where I was rotted and destory'd. Its not just sad; its scary looking back at my childhood; No hope and from the beginning Im being deprived and destroyed and I dont even know it... I can see myself struggling and questioning during those times and because Im looking back; I know what is going to happen to me... Its like watching a Horror Movie!
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I have decided I want my life back. And Ive wanted this for awhile now!
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Also; for the first time; Im going to my mail box everyday... I missed a housing inspection because I refused to look at the mail for a month and decided I have to work on this agoraphobia... So; Evryday looking in the mail box; Im getting better on all fronts I think or at least my belief is getting stronger that things can get better if I work for them under GOds plans.
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ON VIDEO GAMES;
I couldn't just pic one game; a game and play it for 2 years.. like an online sword based MMO survival fighting medieval game or something; I didnt have the maturity for that or knowledge . Maybe I could now see the wisdom of that; but only with experience. Now that Ive been buying enough games and looking around at different types of video game sets and such; After months and months; About a year now... actually 11 months... Ya now; Ive bought 3 times the amounts of games in that time then the average gamer. I mean; they might take 4 years to buy what Ive bought in almost 1 year; thats what google told me; the average monthly expense for the PC gamer)but I guess thats OK. I had the ability to do so at the moment. And Ive been praying about it...
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I to just trust God on all this. Im not used to making my own decisions that could make me look bad in front of others or get laughed at; Im always scared of that. I seem like Im so obsessive and compulsive some times. Im Ok though; and Im sure at some point as I continue to explore all my games; one moment at a time; Ill start making headway within them and finish a few of them. Its all about work related stuff when it comes to my hobbies; it teaches me how to get in touch with thinks I love to do... Hand on; and learn to take chances doing them.
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I was destroyed out of being able to do anything I love to do or be with anyone I love... SO; those are the disabled areas God is helping with.
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