July 2025
June 2025
.
As I begin to feel just a bit of stabilization from my broken childhood; ( I was at a sub deep level of complete submersion never to be seen again); As I sense a bit of stabilization; Immediately the pressure of those past people I was dependent on that I demanded so much from; immediately the pressure comes off of them.
.
Im a nice guy; Im a valuable sensitive intelligent person; Im a decent person and Im deep and talented; and Im a throw away with no value to anyone or society. I had no one on my side. Nothing!
.
So; Those people I reached out to; that I put so much weight into; hey owed me something; thats what I thought; in reality they owed me nothing; I mean; ( they saw nothing in me);they were complete strangers. The more small bits of stabilization I feel; suddenly the pressure comes of them... they owed me nothing; they were strangers. I put the weight on them because I had no one else. I had no one... I just didnt understand how life worked...
.
I was all alone when a child and trying the best I could; and then all of that was taken away from me; I had nothing left..
The people I would meet for relationships; it was life or death for me. However, for them; they were just children or young teenaged regular young people... half kids actually! Its not their fault. They came from a different world then I did. They had no value for someone like me... what I was going through.
.
I took them haustage. I really did in many ways; dependency on them... Now; Im trying to forget about them and move on. Im trying to forget about what I did to them; meaning; my dependency on them; they were not lagitate relationships; those people never liked me. They never claimed to like me or want to like me; I mean; I showed up at their door steps... They had no idea who I am.. and they didnt want to; they had their own lives and I invaded those lives... I invaded them completely.
In the end; they ha no feelings for me no more then the first day I met them( They felt nothing for me)( they did not want to see me again and they never wanted to see me in the first place). I meant nothing to them; had no value to them ever; not one day; not one hour. They were more resentful that I had bombarded their lives. They wanted me gone; probably from the beginning.
If the pressure was off; they would have spat in my face and walked away as soon as they could.
.
I have to come to grips with this. They didnt care if they ever saw me again. They never claimed to be decent honorable people; maybe they were.. I dont know! It was made very clear their lives were non of my business either way.
Technically; they could have called the police and gotten court orders against me.. keep me from associating with them... That's closer to the truth. Its certainly not their fault who I am or how my life turned out or what was to become of me... Or what happened to me.
No one cared about me; that's why all of this started in the first place.
.
I never knew! Not until it was 2 late...
.
Im trying now to learn with Gods help; how to get back on my own feet... it will take much work; lots of tenderness where the rupturing is.. Im ripped to pieces...
.
I dont know what my future looks like.
.
Ill work with God on this. It hard. I was ripped out of my future... completely! I was ripped out of this life completely.
.
Now; I would like to take control of it with Gods help and see where I want it to go!
.
Still much; PTSD.. CPTSD... That is a problem... big big problem...
.
I dont bother with relationships with anyone; they are not qualified. And Im tired of being around unqualified people; tired of having them around me or having to depend on them. Ill talk to God about this.
Ive been mentally asleep. As I slowly wake up; I will define what kind of life Im looking for... I dont know! I do but Ill have to believe it...
.
I spent so many years of my young life only caring about the love I wanted from my mother and father; and never developed anything of my life. No development; no one cared... I was just being used. I was just thrown away.....
.
Ill have to get back on my feet. I think with time; my sanity certainly might be able to do this; Im not sure any other part of my life can do this; I dont know that the mental part of me can handle in this reality... But the sanity is showing up... My mind is still not present... not strong enough. Ill keep working with God.
.
I am truly sorry for bombarding other peoples lives... I guess I was just trying to survive.. it never occured to me that I would not be wanted. but I didnt understand; thats not how the world works.. It was not a friendly place; and I was a stranger in it.
.
I ended up around people that never valued me nor ever cared or ever wanted to... they were truly strangers I was hanging around with but never knew it. I thought they knew me! I was completely wrong... totally wrong. I had no friends; I was not liked by these people... these people were not my friends...
.
These people Im speaking about were not my friends; and its this quality Im trying to come to grips with. The truth about such things; the reality of this; thats where its hard; the reality of this...
.
I take things personally and it seems these people saw no value in me; I mean; isnt my life worth more than this; worth enough to have some kind of value or level of value; something...
.
I take things personally where their was no personally! It did not exist...
.
I was just mad that I should have had at least some kind of life; yes! something! at least one friend; something that was real.. Some one; anyone; seeing my true worth; something?
.
I had to take people hostage and throw myself on people. It never worked; they were regular people; saw no worth in me or value... THey saw no reason to go out of their way for me; I had nothing they could want... nothing! I didnt know this; I was not wanted by anyone or anything; had nothing anyone wanted; nothing!
.
So; today I work with God; try to have some kind of meaning in my life; slowly working to wake up to some kind of purposeful life; something. I guess Its working I would say! slowly; very slowly but progress does seem to be moving forward...
.
I feel so off centered when I look at people who work and have lives and houses and cars and families and things.
.
I may have some of these things maybe if I can get over the past and wake up to the realities of what happened and what didn't actually happen.
.
Maybe I can start over.
.
I am crippled from all of this. I have no stability; Nothing from the outside world; I mean; I have state help from all areas... nothing of my own.
.
As for these people; they must go and I must start over. I cannot love them. there was nothing to love... And that is what Im trying to get rid of. I made a mistake; these people were not just Middle class'rs; They were upper middle class people; God knows how this happened; The devil; maybe he did this. I come from the trauma class; not any regular class of anything... nothing; I come from nothing.. nowhere; Im not connected to anything.
.
So; dealing with any form of the classes is a defensive nature... Dealing with the middle class is forbidden... They are dangerous to people like myself. They would con and manipulate or groom me; then turn on me; trample me under their feet; turn and tear me to pieces; Ive had it done several numerous times before... But the upper middle class? I was destroyed before I started... They want of nothing; they certainly do not want to meet me; I have nothing for them. They are spoiled and lie.... they will destory other people if they can get away with it; Anyone with less money! THey are not a safe breed to associate with... THey are murder'rs ..... or can be... its starts with them; very young; they are taught very young ( 3 years old and up)that others below them economically are trash; filth or worthless; its extremely pathological...
.
I have to give these middle class'rs a break... I was not of their culture... Im looking back wondering how all this happened. I guess I was desperate and lonely.
.
Still...
I cannot have feeling for those people because I do not deserve it... I like myself; I have God; I deserve feelings from people; the ones God sends me; not people I assign that I want... Why did I want them? I dont know? Maybe that had something; or I sensed they had something I wanted; that I didnt have but felt I deserved. I dont know. But they were not friends of mine so I should not feel something for them... They were not nice people. Meaning; I dont know who they were? But they were not on my side; Nor should they have been. They should have been on no ones side; I should never have met them.... So; Im trying to make a point and regain my sanity!
.
.
Im trying to wake up and accept things the way they are.. I lost; or I got dumped or kicked out or by these people... OKe. They are not my people! Fair enough. I mean; I guess theirs some Ego involved/ I thought I was just as good as these people; maybe I am; Im sure I am; but I didnt come from the same back ground and they were not free.. In the end; I found quickly and stunningly; they were not like me; they were of another nature; they were of an evil wealth nature. Not that I distain wealth; I love wealth; We all should be bloody rich; filthy rich; all of us! Money Money Money; YES YES YES YES YES!!!!
.
The point is; they were pathological people; no way I could have a relationship with people like that; they value nothing; meaning; nothing human. And they dont value anything outside their structural system; meaning their families castle; THey dont need to! No problem; but how is this any of my business. And thats where the anger and jealously starts. I kind of envy or anger! Well; hurt; wanting! Not anger! more like desporation.
.
So; Ill have to work on this; learning to appreciate what I have instead of looking at what others have that I dont have.
.
The main problem I found with these people; they are not people; they are more pathological performers; sociopaths in nature... no concious... unbelievable. So; nothing can be done their.
.
However, I wanted to belong to their families as a kind of mascot... But it backfired. First; I could not get good grades or function nor work... secondly; I have a conscious and I could not be around them or their families ever. I found I could not save any of these people; they were more White collar criminals in a sense; pathological. Well educated with very little if no depth but complete judgment of outsiders. I was an outsider to them; they never liked me.
.
But I wanted to feel part of; but I was not invited and never realized while around them; they never invited me; they were offended to have me near or in their house holds. I never knew until it was 2 late.
THey thought of me as second rate slave; no more value... I had absolutely no idea... I learned about it later.. Red flags were around; but I never saw them or paid any attention to them until it was 2 late.
.
In a sense; I kept silent about my life to all I met when young; so it was all a giant lie to others; meaning; in a sense; I lied to everyone about my life. I refused to open anything up.
.
So; what do I battle with today concerning these people. Well; I wanted to be one. I wanted to be accepted by them and have the security and privilege they had. Actually; I wanted to be loved by them? Why? I dont know! Maybe it would mean I was valuable and that means my parents would have loved me and that they made a mistake because they never really saw me or my worth; meaning my parents... So; it goes back to my parents; if they knew my worth; they would have taken care of me... not just abandon me or neglect me.
.
The problem is; those people I was hanging around were not safe; they had their plots to do me in; They hated me; hated me with a passion of deep contempt from the beginning.
.
So; I have to get over those people and move on to better people. I have to like myself at this point...
.
Its like a giant trauma bonded co dependency... I can see it; but I cant seem to do anything about it; this dysfunctional connection; but Im working on it and I am getting places; but I really want this entitlement to go...
.
SO; I have allot of pTSD problems to deal with; and the people of the past; I lied. I lied to them completely. I conned them; that's how I got close to them; but telling them nothing of myself; I coward out; that's why relationships went no further... However, I had no one; meaning; support. I could not tell anyone how I felt; I was all alone... did not know what to do...
.
So; Im working with God on this right now!
.
I may need therapy when it comes to the bulling I received in high school and junior high; I had no one protecting me; nothing. No family; and I wasn't involved in school anymore; not even from the beginning; no one cared. I was at the school but could not do any school work; Trauma; no one cared. Nothing.
.
Ill be working on the lies I told people so they would accept me; Ill be working on this for a while.. I couldn't tell people the truth... possibly I needed much counseling; I was completely shut down from trauma. Ill be praying what my next move right now is; concerning trauma.
The meetings I attend are not safe places; I take allot of chances the way I open up; However, now; its starting to get to deep within me and may need a one on one situation; dont know yet. I went through bad bulling very violent people... psychopaths who should have been locked up in the prison system for life..
So; I learned that no place was safe; nothing... in or out of the home I was staying in...
.
As for the Girl in this that I tried to befriend; I lied to her. Ill have to look at this and find out why I was lying and what I would have told her if I had told the truth... I was resentful and did not feel she would be a safe person to tell anything to; I think I had gotten myself way in over my head and didnt know what to do... Ill write about this. I did not want her knowing about my past because I did not want to deal with my past as I could not get it back.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Electronz, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Western
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 4.111s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 5.29
Time : 4.111s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 5.29