July 2025
June 2025
Im now in the process of learning how to earn and rebuild my life... A life never built before. I was in a dissociative dream from the first years of my life; I never left that time period; I could not...
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Now; I would like to bring up to speed many things missing in my life or not developed yet; relationships; money; cars...
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Art work has started; something that has been shut off for most of my life and its starting again because Ive earned it and taken the chances for it to start again and because of God. Its hard to describe what its like to go sit down town and create art. Its nerve wracking; anyone that has had nervous breakdowns will understand what its really life to touch reality again; its like touching an electric fence.... Ill get used to it.
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My goal is relationships; money and a car..
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I learned how to play guitar at a basic level; its up to me if I want to get better; but Im not stuck behind the walls of anxiety to the point of never being able to conquer this and learned it anyway. I dont have to bring it up again ever; because I can do what I want with it... I mean; at least at a beginner level; I can write songs and play live if I want to... But Im not stuck behind limited created walls from the past; broke through those and it looks like thats happening with Art.... seems to; altho; Im so damn agitated when outside creating; Im hardly creating anything; Im getting used to sitting and touching reality. Its like sitting with a car battery hooked up to my hands and being shocked continually the whole time. This describes what its like to come back into reality being a dissociative.
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Being in the recovery process in the 12 step meetings; Do not expect those people to understand the full general movement forward of recovery; not everyone cares about recovering; they just want to make sure the cops arnt coming after them anymore.
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Many people in the recovery process dont seem to need to suffer to change like I do. I put allot of work into it because I have a hope that I can learn how to develop my life back to a place of wanting to be alive.
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Im learning how I can earn my way to a better life under Gods care; and Im willing to do the daily work and see what happens... Im lazy; so..... Im slow. but as I believe again I pic up more speed and interest and hope.
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As I mentioned before; Women; cars n Money.... And lyric writing for songs; thats next.
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