June 2025
May 2025
Dating; The realization of the Past; So it begins
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So; Dating; its never really happened!
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Manhood is upon me... Thats all this has been about; trying to cross from Child to Man... Taking on responsibility for my own life; my existence; learning how; learning from all the triggering of being taken advantage of when young with no one on myself; Only monsters wanting to devour me... and they did and the succeeded... I never turned; but I was destroyed... Long term PTSD and all the other problems.
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NOTE: And the confusion of direction for life; So; being blind in a real sense to the world outside in front of me; I rely on a higher power...
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NOTE: Dating is about manhood... becoming a man and then dating... Ill work with God on it...
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NOTE: I made a mistake when young; I was trying to date people to far out of my league... Way to far out of my league. I never found my league; where I fit in. Ive been in the recovery process; That is a laughing joke to find people to date; you would have to be insane or crazy!~
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NOTE: Im not suggesting I don’t have value; I have great value; but these modern cultures see no value in my internal value; it means nothing to everyone… Money speaks much more to modern value to others… And if that be; Such things would have to come my way; God would have to supply it! I mean; Ill turn to God for what I have to become to have a life?
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Im not sure where or who my people are... Ive never been around women who are of my personal culture; meaning; if im a artist; Im around artists... Ive never found anyone of my nature or of an interest of depth that I would be looking for...
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Its not that I didnt ever attract anyone; but I never really did; not anyone that counted. I never related to anyone; it was always like strangers coming up to me I did not reorganize. And I did not like it… I just wanted to be in my own with my own people.
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So; Ill be asking God who are these people Im suppose to date; I mean; where are they; Ive never seen them before or known them... Its like Im blind; blind to the world.
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I do not relate to any of the women Ive met in my culture; Nothing! Im like someone walking around in a different land; a different culture... a different language.
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Who I am as a person is where my values are; I have not met anyone who has ever seen my inner self nor been interested to do so... I have no idea...
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I dont Think God brought me on this planet to be alone. I dont believe God would do that to me...
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I understand I have to meet God half way. And that is what Im working on... Im working on becoming a person responsible that I can meet people that God is sending to me; meet them half way in life...
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NOTE: I get frustrated with the past dating experiences I had when much younger; it was simply unbelievable; appalling is not the right word for it. I was around no good people; Nothing; certainly no one of an equal level; Nothing. Looking back; its like I went out with nothing but scumbags… meaning; their personalities… Looking back; I mean… I cant really blame them for me picking them or accepting to go out with them; I mean; I have to really take a look at my choices and who I think Im blaming for making those choices. I was AVPD when picking these people… So I was attempting to avoid reality; and Im afraid thats what I ended up with… I do not remember one of them ever saying they were seeking help for their problems… Not one. No one ever claimed to have a problem. Still its not part of my real dream to have dated people like that.
However; it doesn’t seem I was ever in anyone elses dream to be part of their life… I was on the outside of society. I was part of no society.
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Im not dating anyone yet... Ive gone beyond myself and moving into the present with a whole new life if Im willing to work through more of the past; and I am....!; working through more of the past and facing some basics that never occurred for me when developing is the goal. And I never grew up... All dissociated... Nightmare; mangled... However; What do I need to face to move forward...
I see the abusers and sexual abusers taking control of my rights…; to see this and work through it and move on. I was just a child; I mean its sickening; Its unbelievable Id be left in a house like that with these monsters... Child molesters… More sadness to work through; terror and horror…
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However; My goal is to look at this more; look at what I can do right now about changing some things... Learning how to tell someone new about myself; what I went through and how to have a relationship with them... I have things to work out... Ill start praying about it... But; its upon me; Im now moving beyond where I was before; and thus; it requires lots of inner work to go beyond and I will process more of the past.
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Im feeling myself getting closer to being able to step out and do things... My mental condition is better and Im starting to see the possibilities...
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I was destroyed at age 9-13 and again at ages 14.5 to 17; and again at age 18.
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So; Bullying and being thrown away... over n over n over; no one wanted me! No one cared…
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Sexual abuse after age 9; stripped of original schooling areas. I had to move over to the coast where I was bullied immediately in school; I went into complete shock and shut down; they finally had to send me back to my home town again to live with my Grandparents where I will be destroyed...
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From their; I had to get out of there; so I went back to the coast with my mother again; This time she has a new husband... And Im not wanted... no one cares about me...
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I try to reach out; and finally up the street a meet a girl...
And the question is; why didnt I have sex with her or tell her anything about myself. She wanted to; to get close to me mainly because I swept her off her feet; but thats as far as it goes...
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NOTE: Did I really sweep her off her feet; I don’t think so; I think I did anything but fool myself into believing my dilution. This was yet another case of chasing after a girl out of my league… Was I really chasing her? Did I really have an effect on her; NO! I just thought so… She was bored; lived up the street; had nothing else to do between cheer-leading camps… This is the last person on earth I should have ever met or ever found myself around; and I knew as much when young. But I was in a desperate situation of confusion. I was living in a world of delusion. The girl up the street; was not my friend!
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Lately; just today; I was looking at the idea of; I didnt have sex with her... I was a young; but I mean; I didnt do anything with her... I didnt have a sexual relationship. I didnt fool around with her.
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Stunned in one of my meetings today to realize; I never did anything with her; why?
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Im looking to answer these questions so I can move back into society in general. I have more then this one question to ask... I have allot of questions to ask...
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However; for this blog; I ask this one question.
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So; Why didnt I have sex with her... ??????
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NOTE; As I come back to this blog and look at it; I didn’t have sex with her because she was not my friend and her heart was not with me… She was a stranger and could care less who I am or who I was… She never wanted to meet me in the first place; I meant nothing to her; she was out of my league… I was in trouble and needed help… This person didn’t care… I mean…
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And Im looking to ask this question; Certainly it has to do with the time period from ages 9-14. It also has to do with the time periods before that; Where I was in grade-school but neglected... No development as I thought I would have...
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I remember not even being able to tell someone what had happened to me or what was happening to me; Nothing... No one cared about me or my future; nothing!~
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So; where do I go from here...
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So; Dating out of my league is and was impossible; If I had known that when young; I would have just stayed to myself and learned how to better myself and go with God and Gods direction in the right direction to my development... Let God bring the right people.
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At my age now? God will still bring me the right people; I just have to meet them half way... Keep working with God.
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From boyhood to manhood; where normally their would be a father and mother and community and safety; and their has been nothing or was nothing; Their is something now… Something born from horror and no hope ever; and where I was destroyed… Something comes from the dead; Me! Its God who has arize’d me from the dead.
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Getting up to speed; getting a chance to become a man…. To develop.. And then meet someone…
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Im not out of my childhood yet….
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Im slowly working through the rest of my childhood…
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I think the most important aspect of what I just said was; Im working through the rest of my childhood; and those are big words… For it suggests; I don’t have anyone from the past with me to work through my childhood… Im here now; and I have memories; its more then memories; its Identity imaging of real self. I have authentic histories I am me! And from their I am now here… and here I recruit with Gods help; new people and experiences… This is not an easy thing… it means Im growing again or willing to attempt such things… alone or without anyone from the past; God supplying what I need right now because Ive worked with God and Ive been able to trust God again… Im working with God; a working relationship to work through my past work through my childhood…
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Ive worked through allot of my childhood; I still have specifics to work through… I have untouched areas no one has control of.
I have memories of past but no one is there; not even me; its just silent running memories that no one wants to touch or own or bring under the fold as one!
However; I will take the task on… Not yet; its still to much for me… I have to process out other bad things from the past before I can do this…
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WHERE AM I AT NOW;
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Im growing into a man! This has been so much work… Its like a ship wreck from clear across the world; the seas… And somehow Ive made it to this land… So; if I continue; I should be able to find independent ways to grow again with Gods help; However; Ive got battles from the past to face and win… to conquer…
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