June 2025
May 2025
The realities of my condition
For worse or much better
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My condition is very schizophrenic like; damage to the mind; Im afraid meds will not be fixing this dissociative disorder; However, I have been getting better. and Im much better then I used to be; However, still schizoid like..
Ill explain;
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If you see a chair in the middle of a room and you are asked to walk over and pic it up; You make a decision; walk over and pic it up..
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A chair is in the middle of the room and Im asked to walk over and pic it up; I will agree with the intent of walking over and picking it up; The problem is; I dont actually see a chair in the middle of the room; I see it in my head. And I will agree with you; Im going to walk over and pic it up. I see myself walking over to the chair to pic it up; but its in my head; and that is the only reality I know. Im not aware of the outside world. When I get close to the chair in my head; my mind dissociates; automatic avoidance to the left or right. I never seem able to fully walk over and pic up the chair; but it always feels like I can; so; Ill try again. And all of this going on in my mind. This can go on for 20 years everyday; and if you ask me if Im walking over to pic up the chair in the middle of the room; Ill tell you Im almost there; almost got it; even tho its been 20 years since you actually asked. I wont be aware of time….
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Many women I wanted to date; and thought I would date; but it was an image of them in my mind; not the real thing. And I would tell myself I can; I just need another day to work things out and I can get close enough and go for it. But in reality; I was never really near anyone; I was all in my head; all in safe harbors where no outside trauma would attack me.. My mind would not allow it; Not allow me to be outside in the real world.
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One time I actually asked someone out that I wanted to go out with. She looked at me and told me; “Brian; that was 20 year ago”. For me; everything was fine; I was slowly getting better and I asked her out; Over 20 years to late; that kind of reality slammed me….
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What happens when I actually get close to something in the real world; I panic; freeze up; go almost catatonic; Go into deep dissociation state. I become exceptionally weak. I cannot handle close up interactions very well. Its better then it used to be.. In the past; No interactions at all; nothing and nothing dealing with emotional situations. Im not able to be here…. thats why Im on a disability…. I dont function in reality.
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Things are getting better Im getting stronger; the condition of dealing with the real outside world is getting thinner; easier to break through maybe; But Im still disconnected. Still the same.
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I had a friend tell me that people thought I was odd because I never dated anyone. I didnt date anyone because I could never deal with reality; literally. I would freeze up if anyone got close. I would tell you its the girls fault; but in reality; I was 2 skyzo to date anyone. I was never here… I had a reputation for walking away and never coming back…
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Im interested in a owning a car… This would be my first car Ive actually bought for myself. As I get closer to the realities of this Im falling apart and starting to panic. But Im holding my own a bit; Im getting to close to reality. Being forced out into reality. It would be interesting to see if could actually follow through with something like this on my own; break through the dissociate wall and buy something on my own.
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When it comes to dating; It might be possible; maybe…. To actually start dealing with real people in the real outside world and deal with it… Maybe; Im getting better. Maybe…. I dont know….
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The reality is; Ive never dated anyone or let anyone get close to me; not really…. And Ive never owned anything; could not handle the concept of transaction for something and have to take care of it; thats 2 much reality.,
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Things are changing for me…. Can I break through the plexiglass of dissociated states and break through into real reality; I dont know…. can I follow through with anything; I dont know….
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The people around me dont know the difference; they dont know me and they have no idea whats really going on… They are kind of being used. Im getting my recovery around them but they have no real idea what is going on with me.
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Id like to continue with this car thing and actually learn to handle going from thought to thing and make it across the electrical wire that separates me from reality… be nice to make it across into reality and actually buy something like a car and be able to follow through.
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As for dating; It would be nice to let someone know what Im really like and to see if they are the right kind of person to get involved…. To continue with something enough to follow through.
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