July 2025
June 2025
As I slowly heal up and wake; I see the pattern...
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Im working with God to unlock my personality so I can have it back...
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So what happened?
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I was owned; From Narcissist to Narcissist to Narcissist to Narcissist to Narcissist; to Narcissist to Narcissist to Narcissist to......... And the list goes on.......
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Ive been played and abused by one sociopath narcissist; one after the other; it was like being drown. And when I came up for air; another narcissist attached to me and I was drown again and I never did surface ever again.
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Now; working with the universe and God; things are changing. Im now wanting to throw off the narcissists.
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It started with my Mother and Father; they were both using me.. I want to escape; i find a kid at school I like; I go hang out at his house and am accepted by him and his parents; but what I dont know; they are narcissist; and their son is a beginning sociopath or will be; and a narcissist; or the equivalent.. The parents are a kind of pathological monstrosity. It then went to teachers at school. It then went to Grandparents; Both hideous sociopaths; child abusers and one a child molester... And I have no escape;
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I then had to escape; so i went back to live with my mother in another city; and more sociopath bullies in the neighborhood... and then I wanted to escape; so I went up the street to my First Love's house; Who is? She is actually a covert sociopath narcissist and the whole thing starts all over again...
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My older brother; who is helping me or the only person that can help; he is a sociopathic drunk... sadistic at the time... I have no one else. Nothing. I mean; Ive been drown in sociopaths psychopaths and narcissists...
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So; Ill look at this lineage; From my Father/Mother to Grandfather; Sexual abuse; To First Love; all narcissists sociopaths/psychopaths...
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FIRST LOVE:
One of the main goals of these blogs is to understand; Who was my First Love? Well; its turning out; she was nothing more then a nameless covert / malignant narcissist. She ends up nothing more then a nameless vampire like the rest of narcissists that forced themselves into my life and vampire'd me against my will.
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This is a simple breakdown of a lineage of narcissist sociopaths I was abused from...
It starts with my mother; who abused me from antisocial personality disorder; caught me off guard; confused me. I then ended up at my Grandparents house; who were no more then sycophant degenerate child molesters... I then meet my First Love; and she ends up a Covert/malignant narcissist who is using me...
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My goal for this blog is to suggest a little history of narcissists/sociopaths within my life experience... The purpose of this blog is to unattach my First Love from my nervous system and say goodbye... I want her gone... Thats my main goal.. Altho its Ancient history for someone else; its not ancient history for me; Its alive and well in my nervous system...
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History; hopefully simple short history.
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Great Grandfather on Fathers side; Narcissist. Creates 4 children; Three out of the 4 are sociopath narcissist and several are sadistic including my father.
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Mothers side. Sadistic predatorial monsters; The Grandparents; both sycophants. One is a predator based child molester; Lawless boundaryless... They are both predatorial; Grandmother is a weirdo sycophant degenerate sociopath... Weirdo like; or psychopathy?...( its hard to describe her) THey dont really love anything; they child destroyers and act like everything is normal when they are actually acting out against children and helping to allow children to be molested or contributing to their emotional physical detriment. Its hard to describe my Grandmother; She is a fake sadistic pure evil acting covert... dominant sycophant? Sociopath; narcissist; I dont know! Wierdo! .. Pure evil; but acts like they are prominent important people. She has no conscious; but acts like she did... Pure evil... arrogant. Shallow; narcissistic... But tries to pull off like shes holsom and innocent and just a house wife... Pure evil. They violate other peoples boundaries like their objects to be destroyed. Dominant of her beliefs and she has no beliefs; she is above such things. Considers psychology; the whole concept stupid... No human interest in the concept of Psychology... Nothing. That means she didnt have to send her daughter to a therapist to get help because of the way her and her husband were bringing her up or abusing her...
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Underneath is a criminal.. a criminal minded degenerate...
This will create myself and my 2 other brothers; one will end up a sadistic sociopathic drug addict alcoholic narcissist... The other brother is pathological... I end up A good person in the beginning; but from the abuse; end up pushing on the doors of criminality; in high school. Im sociopathic like from the trauma but I still have my original self underneath. Ive been turned into someone against society who wants to destroy because Ive been completely destroyed... I end up with all the conditions of abuse; but Im not a psychopath or pathologic accept from severe dissociative disorder; that leaves me much like the symptoms of a sociopath accept I have a conscious...
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Because of the surprise trauma from my mother and father; I am abandon at 10 years old; I end up at my Grandparents where Im literally kidnapped in many ways; I have no rights anymore and Im sexually harassed and abused at will; and I have no locks on the doors to my bedroom. I finally start using some kind of locking device.. But after being raped or molested; and chased in that house; im in such bad shape; my nervous system... I cant function at all anymore from dissociative disorder; PTSD... and other things; very very bad situation.
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From here I escape; I end up; at my mothers house in another city; I live their but escape; I escape up the street to this girls house I was invited to; my FIRST LOVE; But she later turns out to be another covert malignant no name narcissist; and Im just being played and used. By this time; by the time I find out what she is; Im completely devastated; I thought I had found true love a friend a way out and a future wife... In the end; it was nothing more then another covert sociopath with psychopathic tendencies...
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In my story; many more interludes with escape to other narcissists with dier results... Ill be destroyed over n over n over again everytime I try to escape.
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This story is about the lineage from Mother to Grandfather to FIrst Love girlfriend...
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From Mother To GrandFather To First Love; Im trying to escape... or Im discarded and forced to live somewhere new!
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I tried to escape living with my Grandparents who turn out to be the major pertetraiters that have had free reign to demoralize torture and destroy children who were defenseless living within their walls. My mother was destroyed by them when young but never had a chance; This is no excuse for her psychopathy.. In other words; she is a criminal minded psychopath and should pay for her crimes and never be around the public again. However; Im stating a fact. Her mother and father contributed to her human demise from the beginning; Im showing what kind of mother and father she came from; monsters...
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So; Im being sexually abused and I want to escape; Im 12-13 years old; its been going on for 2-3 years... living at that residence. I escape back to my mothers house; she has a new husband... They live in another city... I move to that city and live with her. From the very beginning Im lost; I get an opportunity to meet a girl up the street; I meet her; and I proclaim I have this new friend; shes responding to me. In my mental illness delusion I think I have found a comrade; Its all in my mind. I think ive found someone just like me; God as brought us together to fight the good fight against the bad guys. Ive truly found my soulmate first love best friend... She is my future and will be my wife... Im a teenager in high school.
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The beginning of the end; the beginning of the demise. Something is wrong. Altho Im sacrificing to build a relationship with her; Ive swept her off her feet; she is responding to me as a broken dove that needs to be loved. In reality; she is play acting. At some point things are going wrong; she is not acting right; she is saying or acting out strange things at times; covert things; subtle things; she is showing signs of a kind of brutal nature... its subtle... its usually when Im leaving... Something strange is going on...
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later; ill start to see beginning signs of it; she is kind of compulsive with no conscious attached. She may want attention but its kind of narcissistic... Later Ill realize; she is getting her needs met but I don't exist.
At some point Im noticing a kind of murky condition dealing with her; As if the floor underneath her is not the same floor the rest of us walk on. I cant tell who she is or where she is from or where she is going; its like she came from beneath the water of a swamp; Im not sure what kind of animal Im dealing with... Its murky and I cant tell.
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At this point; Im distraught. I thought I had found a best friend. Im starting to feel pulled inside out... More n more something is wrong... THis person is sincere and is not sincere...
I finally come up with the synopsis; She has the pathology to either throw me away without a thought or marry me and be my wife for ever... And Im not sure I understand what this means? Its all murky; However, by this point Im subtly being pulled apart from myself; Im being pulled into... into 2 pieces...
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So; later numerous months later; Im fully and completely in love with her and cant live without her; I love being around her; but I can go no further with her. I cant get physical with her; Im stopped and I cant tell her how I feel about her or go any further with any kind or romantic advances; I think Im feeling something is very wrong here and she is not safe... She is selfship in a kind of narcissistic sociopath way. Something is wrong. At time; Im a teenager and I have no names for all the personality problems Im witnessing. I had never heard of the words " psychopath or sociopath". I had never heard of such things or personality disorder. What I understand is; she is starting to act like my mother or father and this is disturbing; I want to get away from my mother and father or anyone like them..
Finally I realize I can go no further with her; so I stay around her but neutral. Unfortunately this is when Im going to witness real narcissistic sociopathic behavior and the beginning of psychopathy acting out on itself. When I witness these traits; ITs over between us; I realize Im dealing with someone just like my mother; and I know love will not fix any of those criminal based personality traits... Im made sick to my stomach and Im completely devastated; Im completely creeped out. What have I done. What is going on here. And it will get worse. In a sense; ill be discarded shortly by these people; her and her family... In a sense; I either move forward with her or be discarded... I do not think like this; but her criminal fraud based family thinks like this.
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I was trying to save her and love her and in many ways; I was the father to the little girl in her... and she responded as such; but she was a sociopath... As soon as I showed any kind of weakness or human problems; I was laughed at by her and her family and discarded.. I was treated as worth nothing and of no value.
By this time Im through.
Im completely devastated; I was completely in love with this person and thought this person was my honest innocent future... I wanted to save her from her sociopathic fraud family; In reality; there was nothing to save; she was one of them. I had walked into a nest of vampires. I had no idea.
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My whole reasoning for meeting this girl was to escape the narcissists I came from. It my innocent attempt. I was al ready mentally ill and could not function; I was delusional. Im so broken; I just needed a friend; someone to notice me and love me; someone I can join... and a family I can join...
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And its basically over. Im still in love with the concept of being in love with this person; but no real person exists; it was a fake personality; this person is a covert malignant narcissist and that's all.
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So; Im back alone again with nothing and Im completely destroyed; I have another huge mental breakdown. I to into a clinical depression for a year; a very serious one; No one cares...
I still have to see this girl at school at times; altho I have no more connection to her; its completely severed.
And I will say; she has changed; her whole personality has changed; its back to being who she was before I met her; a stuck up arrogant mean person with no real conscious. She turns into a kind of player opportunist... Probably because thats what she was before.
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NOTE: She scared me. She was a sociopath; an unsafe one; and she scared me. She scared me the way any decent person should be scared. THe fear is being around someone that will bring harm to themselves and others with no concious... This is evil for a regular person; no decent person will feel anything but uneasy and sick to their stomachs around someone like this; She was also a complete fraud. And I dont like any of this. Its a kind of act of aggression against decent people; its like someone lying in wait and setting a trap to catch and imprison control and destroy decent people or citizens...
This sociopath was simply trying to get away with something and see how far she could take it. If she actually had a simp she might be able to keep under her control; She might have continued to play the interest card; acting like she was interested. But I saw through here; and acted appropriately and started to distance myself. And when this happen; the gig was up. Suddenly she turned into another type of person and had no regard for me; It was as if she had never met me; and she showed no remorse; it truly was as if she had never met me and she could care less; later I will learn; I meant nothing to her the whole time I knew her; she was playing me from the beginning; In the sense that; if she could get something off me; she would play the cards as if she was interested; but if not; she turned into her original self; discarded me and went looking for someone else or something else. She showed no remorse. And what I know of her later on; she had no remorse... nothing; It was truly as if I had never met her! She could care less!
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NOTE: I was hoping this girl would be my friend and helper; help me develop; help me as Someone I could trust; someone sent by God to love me and care about me and help me develop over the trauma problems and anxiety walls. Someone that would help me with my special needs.
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NOTE: Later; several years later; I will realize; I needed to go to state agencies for help; Not get involved in local neighborhood family systems for my special needs; That was a hard horrible lesson to learn; but from a back ground where no one cares about me or what happens to me; doesnt want a relationship with me
On with the story; This high school; Living with my mother and her new husband in another city.
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So; Im completely broken with no friends... Im back to where I was before.
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I finally decide to leave the area; to do this; I have to go live with my best friends family back in my home town. But little do I know; they dont want me either and never did. THey are as much sociopaths as the family system I came from. THe kid that is my best friend; their son; He has no respect for me or value and was never my friend; he was using me ( his parents were using me to help him grow up; that was the only reason they allowed)( They saw me as an object to be used; not a human being). He turns out just like the other narcissists. In fact; with Gods help at a later date; Ill revisit him and his family and Ill be leaving this time. He was never safe to associate with... He turns out to be pathologic. And the story about living with him in my later high school days; living with his family; is for another time...
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So; As for my First Love; there was no closure. NONE... This psychopath didn't care. She felt nothing for me because she feels nothing period; I guess. I dont know here well enough to really know much of anything of her insides accept what I witnessed...
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So; at this time. Im trying to get over her. She resurfaced within me a few years ago and its time to get rid of her completely; To separate myself from her completely.
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One area Ive noticed of problems; I have no family support; I never had a family; nothing. I was thrown away in the 5th grade; this means discarded by narcissist sociopath psychopath.... So; that was that; no one cared what happened to me..
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So; part of me does not have allot of love or development... Thats the part Im working on right now.
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So; The first that must go is this Sociopath from my past; This person must be understood and removed from my nervous system? From my subconscious or conscious; This was not a friend of mine and that hurts and really creates allot of abandon feelings; its really hard to let go of that aspect of the trauma bonding.
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A part of me is still in love with her; the deepest part of me; but not. Its the child in me that thought they had a connection to her because she reminded me of the older girls I knew when I was a kid... I thought she was a caregiver; taking care of me; she was a care giver that would take care of me; And that dilutional part of me still has to be addressed. And so im working on that; coming out of that scares the hell out of that little kid in me; Ill have to pray about this one to let go of that bonding.
And allot of the bonding and the secret of it has been exposed to the sunlight of man and God so; the child in me has dealt with this issue.. grieved over this issue and has no more delusions about this issue. It still hurts; He loved her.. But who he loved was a vision of her; not her! THe real her didnt exist. And she never connected to my inner being or child... I would say child. My inner being; My inner soul connected to GOd; was never fooled by her; and my inner being doesnt know her. She is a vampire from the outside world; she tried to corrupt the innocent child in me and tried to create a light of innocent to get that child to hook up to her. What was her real motivation; She wanted to break my inner child into an object and turn him into a trauma bonded captive... And she did; it broke my inner childs heart; and that sociopath could care less about anything.
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NOTE: Its important for me to continue to tell the story over n over n over in order to get more n more confident of telling the story of what hurt me; Im getting the hurt out into the open; this helps me to believe again that others cant do this to me and get away with it.. it helps me to regain some personal power so I can live again; and it gets the trapped emotional poison out... over n over n over; the deeper the poison comes up surfaces; the light hits the secrets; the different layers of secrets; they dry up and die and kind of go away... And thus; Im now free to focus on my future; thats why its important. Not only do I talk about the trauma; I talk about the grief and loss; it helps to get over it; and its working...
I want to come back to life; and it looks like Im going to.
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IVe said this before; If I had been older; I would have gotten a team of good lawyer's and suid her in court; and proven the life long damages these kind of narcissists cause; the time loss from functioning in society because of her fraud... But; She was not over 18 at the time so....
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I remember after 18 months from when I first met her; I might be wrong; was she still trying to get me to ask her out. And yet; I meant nothing to her... I mean; Or maybe that was in the first 6 months... I thought it was at her new house; maybe not. I guess she just had a deep deep affect on me... Im so sorry she did.. It was a fraud. A set up. Maybe no one wanted to date her because they saw what a sociopath she was and wanted nothing to do with her...
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Im not fooled mainly anymore; part of me is still in a dream world; I can only go so fast to heal.
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Criminals do exist... Its my opinion this is a habitual criminal; this person was sadistic; setting up innocent bystander to seduce them in with hints of promises of a future; to open someone up completely to lead them on in such a way as to suggest a future with someone; And then after getting opening up their trust; pulling the rug out on them or discarding them as if they are trash... And then later trying to get someone to beat them up to put them in the hospital... I mean; I never saw any of this coming... I had no idea... THe damage of this... I mean; Ill have to express some of this terror out on paper at some point.. I mean... This is unreasonable. But as I said; this was in high school; and nothing can be done but walk away... but this was a criminal.
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I guess the point is; as I wake up to myself; God helping me. I had the right idea in the beginning but with the wrong person.
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SOLUTIONS AT THIS POINT:
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Im already onto solutions concerning this problem;
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THe solution for me at this time is to keep working on shoring up gaps within the distance of what I want and getting myself up to speed for what I want. A gap resides between me and my goal. I use techniques to bridge that gap. I visualise in my imagination Im building bridges between where Im at and where I want to be. Im building bridges I can walk across.
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We are talking about social interactions again. ANd the universe will let me know when this starts; I can feel it; it will happen when Im back up to speed and aligned with myself and my inner being; its getting closer I think; Lots of work left here.
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In a sense I first am becoming sobor; waking up from my dream world.
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At some point a thought will come to me that will set me down a pathway direction; and more thoughts will come; and at some point a thought of the beginning of relationships; I just start out talking to people and practicing talking; Ill be up to that speed again; that level of life Soborness.
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