July 2025
June 2025
So; all of this has been about waking up; Fear... Fear of waking up through what really put me to sleep.
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Everything that put me to sleep; thats what Im facing; one thing at a time. That's where the pain and hardship of waking up is. ITs my nervous systems remembrance of fear of what put me to sleep.
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Everything Ive been working on hard is because of the resilience of my nervous system not to relive it...
To wake it up again by Gods command... To relive... or walk through it; and what am I finding.
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Im finding why I went to sleep; either family members or fake best friends and their families or First Loves. Or bad teachers or monsters... psychopathic bullies; Molesters and having no place to run...
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And now I know. All of those people; their would be no future with them ever from the start; they were murder'rs. All of them.
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Im feeling the fear of amnesia. Amnesia put all of that to sleep and all of me... And God worked with me for many many many years slowly opening up a closed chest sunken in the bottom of the sea.. And in it was his memories and history of everything.
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It was like being on the Titanic and I was full of life; and then suddenly the death bell range and that meant the ship was going down and everyone was going down with it and no escape. And thats what Ive been reliving through each character I write about in these blogs. These were not friends but demons of the worst nature; Murderers. Nothing more; people who were taking my life.
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God did not want me to ever see any of them ever again. However, what God has wanted; for me to wake up and see? See I was on a dying field and those were the perpetrators.
God had to allow me to walk through those death fields and discover what I must discover walking down that demon trail. I see many tortures and horrors and I am the one who is being tortured in every story; and they are murder's; all of them.
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The goal is to walk through the past holding Gods hand; slowly uncovering my body that has been thrown around to different places of the killing field. Finding and discovery parts and who was and is feeding on them; pick up the parts and put them into a holding vessel as I walk along and feel the pain of the tortures as they one by one destroy me and dismantle me. I with God witnessing; I relive and see what put me to sleep over n over n over. I pick up the remains of what is left of my body from that specific story and move on to the next story where Im dismantled again in different ways... and finally I see the death blows; Those who set me up for the taste of blood; to see a final blow for my death; a death of many different forms and fragments of self. In this case; The murders; The criminals that simply run away and hide in civilization thus creating a new story or alibi if they had never met me.
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Im starting to see the full of it. And I am to sit with God and just feel it; look around the death feild and just sit and feel it and accept what did happen.
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The goal is to hang on; stay with God; And now it was a long time ago. Feel the fear; For the fear is death fear at the central core of my body...
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God is with me.
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So; what is this all about; Its about years ago; asking God to resurrect me; to bring me back to a new life!
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And God is doing so. God takes my hand as I walk through my history to protect me take care of me let me know Im not alone; God Universe is with me. And their is a price for what Im asking for; I am asking for freedom; and God is letting me know; their is a price. If I choose to wake up; and I have; this is the price that has befallen me. To see past and relive many aspect of it; to think that maybe I had lovers or friends or close ones at heart. Only to know now; I was murdered; they were all in on it; as part of it at different instances.
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What do I truly remember now about the people Ive written about: FEAR. DEATH FEAR: This is at the Core of the nervous system; it is WAR FEAR. It is the worst and most hardcore fear that exists next to actually time of death fear; Meaning those who are about to really die... In my opinion; and Ill stick with my opinion right now... It comes from experience. I certainly have an open mind for debate but not right now.
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GoD IS allowing me to wake up and is showing me the real truth of what all of this past meant; it meant legal and clinical amnesia that put 90% of me to sleep for the rest of my life...
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IF I can make it beyond these killing fields I came from; and start to ease out a bit and wake up knowing; what I came from is gone; God protecting me. Im just reliving the panic and terror of survival mode over n over over; if I can make it through this; I come back to the beginning of my life again and I get to live it over clean! A clear start unscathed.
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And for now; and I mean right now; Im just getting the message of what this whole journey has all been about. It been about waking up from fear... God had to take me down different pathways of experiencing and relearning so I could slowly question and look around for myself to see if I could handle it; remember what happened and what it all means. And slowly now I have been given the key to the locked door; and beyond the door is the truth; and Im now standing in the doorway looking at it. And I understand and it scares me... it does. I could not take anymore fear trauma. My Body cannot take anymore...
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So; God created ways for me to eat it a little at a time and digest its history and stories. And slowly now; I open up into a vault of the big picture.
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WHAT IS NEXT FOR ME:
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Now; I continue to fight to wake up with GOds help. I continue to create pathways in my imagination that I am walking walking out of this black desert one step at a time back into MY civilization.
A new start; literally a new start; a starting place of my own; my own making; no one else from the past involved. Nothing; I am slowly waking up into it.
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ITs like coming from another family but I get to visit the original street I came from but with support from others and God... So; Im not alone. I have a new life; but not yet; thats what Im battling right now to get; I have a large margin to wake up from and the battle continues... I am walking through the death fields with God right now.
But the bigger picture has now been opened up to me; Now I see what has really happened... and now I see what im coming from.
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GOALS>
The goal is to keep creating steps down the pathways to the outside world and my goals; one set of steps at a time... Down Gods pathway; and only GOds pathway... Its the only safe pathway to take...
Our partner
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