September 2025
August 2025
It feels autistic; It looks autistic; The walls in the way of my progress to move forward. Altho Ive worked on the past and learned to accept it...
It seems the past had several things in common.
.
Generally speaking;
.
1. No one liked me or wanted anything to do with me... Not to many people understood me or ever got close to me; I was virtually alone accept for those people I promote'd myself to; that I not be alone; and of those people; some where kids on the south side. Technically they remember me and I they were a small band of people that accepted me.
.
2. Most important relationships; I was not liked or wanted. Well; Ive accepted the reality of this. THe first girl I loved; never loved me; never wanted me; I was more a second choice. Sure. I could have gone further with her; it was provided; but she never really wanted me. And Im afraid a relationship would not have lasted long. What does this mean; it was more like she was rebounding... Technically she got away from me as fast as possible if she could; So; I was never her pick... I was very assertive and swept her off her feet; but if I could not keep up that level of attention she left as fast as possible. What does that mean; She was open to a full relationship?; I could have married her; but who would want to? I was never her first choice and she never really liked me; I was a second choice or no choice; she saw nothing in me. She didnt seem to really have any heart for me! Fair enough. Thats what the facts indicate... No offense to this person; It does seem like Im ending up at the wrong door steps.. And not aware of it!
.
NOTE: It does seem like Im ending up at the wrong door steps.. And not aware of it!
.
NOTE: I was broken hearted from the loss of these relationship; the realization that I was never wanted in the first place and I had no real friends or first love's the way I thought I did; I was never loved; it was not reciprocated. I never knew; I was living in a dream world. ( And I was totally alone).
The point being; is this all I can get; is this the best I can do; ending up with someone that really didnt like me and that I was a second best choice. IS this really who God brought me. I mean! It doesnt sound like it... However, no offense to her; Im leaving the judgement department out to lunch considering her! Ive accepted; or tried to accept what happened their.. I feel Ive accepted this enough to move on... now that I understand more of what happened here...
.
First Love
Thus; I would be indoctrinated into female male relationships... And thus move forward in my development. This she offered. No offense to this person; but I made a mistake thinking anything existed beyond this rudimentary level developmentory offer. Im not even sure she really wanted to follow through with that; she seemed more desperate then anything else. Im not sure what she was doing around me.. I guess it was better then nothing for her... As soon as she could move on; get rid of me; she did! Thats what hurt the most; and she had no concious about it... So; thats the kind of sharp ended sword Im dealing with now from this story; and was dealing with during this story.
.
Best friend when very young; turn out to be no friend...
NOTE: I was heart broken over this loss; this person seemed closer then a brother when I was growing up; but not to him. I meant nothing to him; to him I was a stranger not a friend. I was never really wanted at his house... nor did he want my association... ( I never knew) He would have been just fine if he had never met me. This was a devastating blow to me. The problem was; he was a true stranger; he never had the ability to value me as a person and never would; This suggests I made a fundamental mistake on who I meet and try to become friends with. Im literally picking the wrong people to become friends with.
.
NOTE: And signs; Red Flags must have been up everywhere telling me to go home; this was a bad idea; Im not wanted at these peoples house...
.
Best Friend; He wasn't really a best friend because; altho I really liked hanging out with him at his house; he did not feel same way. He did not appreciate me hanging out at his house or calling him friend... He was not my friend; he knew that; I didn't. No offense to him. But I made a mistake...
It does seem like Im ending up at the wrong door steps and not aware of it.
.
Many of my social walls and problems that have kept me isolated for years appear autistic like; altho they are not caused by autism...
.
I never met the right people to have deep relationships with; I met the wrong people. How do I turn that around and meet the right people. This is more PTSD and Dissociative disorder problems.. AVPD... Trauma is the cause of my problems...
.
So; the reality is; out of desperation Ive clung to anyone that would give me attention and unfortunately; this did not work. I found myself around people that did not appreciate me moving into their lives when they never wanted me in their lives.
.
Huge walls exist socially for me and with activities.
.
I realized just how hard it is to perform anything live ( Music). it really is; for me; stage fright. I never wanted to admit it; but the whole idea of performance causes me allot of stress; and this added to severe PTSD? No wonder I just want to hide... However, Ive opened up more and can see more clearly and closer; the requirements of the real world if I am to operate within it.
.
.
Social; My goal is to begin the process of breaking down these walls that protect where Ive have my personality ruptured. Work with God to open up again so I can date again and have a life.
.
.
NOTES FROM THE MEETING TONIGHT: THings I spoke about.
.
If I have my Batman outfit on and your a women and I hit on you for a date and you say no; youve said no to my Batman outfit; not me!
.
If you say no to me and Im myself; its against the law. ITs the 7th worst worldly disaster that can happen...
.
If Im myself without my Batman outfit; and you accept me; it means your accepting boring me... So what good is that; I gain nothing...
.
I want to be accepted as superstar Batman... Looked up to; fawnd over... admired to the point of her passing out... everywhere... all women going crazy to the point of ripping their cloths off trying to get me; get a pieces of me; thousands of them; millions... a crazed lot of them. Bus fulls of them. Everywhere; like zombie apocalypse.
.
Real Fear; Im scared to death; if I get into a relationship with you; you will secretly pull the plug on the boat half way through and sink me when I was not prepared for it. And thus; I have this to say about that...
.
I have to learn what everyone learns in a relationship if someone discards the relationship early. How do I handle it and move on... I have support; Ill look into how to deal with this kind of stuff; this is what really scares me; getting hurt by letting my inner walls down to the wrong people; and suddenly finding out Im with the wrong people.
.
NOTE: FIRST LOVE: I did this with her; she trusted me and suddenly I pulled the plug on everything; and the whole relationship possibility came tumbling down... I abandon her; all of it caught her off guard; she was innocent; caught her completely by surprise. I pulled the rug out from underneath her before it was done to me. THere was no signs she would; I just did it to be abusive and mean because she treated me like one of my parents treated me. I wasn't going to let her get the best of me. It was like PTSD acting out. She was completely innocent. She never saw it coming! She had to let all her guards down to be able to be close enough with me to even think of being in a relationship or trusting one was developing. After I got her trust; I destroyed everything on purpose In case she tried to do it to me first. Totally criminal of me! Horrible... Monster like! Sinister. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde.
I was never able to get close to her again until she proved to me she wasn't like that; like my mother and father. She opted to look at me like I was completely nuts and she left and never came around me again... She slowly backed away from me and never came back...
.
So; Im the abuser before someone can abuse me! In the process; I lost another relationship for no reason... I just never trusted any of these people.
.
I guess Ill have to stick with broken people in recovery where I know theyve been on the firing line in life! I guess...
Ill work with God on who God brings me...!
Non of this is good! What I did is not good! and I paid for it; Im still paying for it!
.
I do have a conscious; but Im not showing it and Im not sure why! maybe so I can re abuse within my writings; Not in the real world but not take responsibility in my writing for what I ive really done. I intended to destroy another person and abandon them for my selfish greed and motives... ANd Ill have to take that to God and work on what that means... Until God can allow me to face my conscious about it. Sorry God; Sorry First Love!
.
.
.
MUSIC;
.
.
.
Personality disorder;
.
.
.
As I slowly make my way through old relationships concepts and Im working through to the other side;
.
Im now starting to get positive about my new perspectives... About my new life. And Im in need of a positive personable personality.
.
THe first thing I noticed; My personality went negative first when younger and that antisocial behavior and mental condition abandon and hated everyone around me to the point that I hated society and anyone who is a part of it; I associated everyone a part of society as the enemy.
.
NOTE: I can see my behavior went south after being around manipulative abusive people; several of them for prolonged periods of time. I was brainwashed. I needed help around all new people.
.
So; I began to see some of these people I liked; I began to see them with hatred at the same time because they represented the enemy I hated and wanted to go to war with; Society was my EMENY! And if i liked someone and was building a relationship with someone and they were doing well in society( they represented society) this told me they could turn on me because they were more dedicated to society then to me; and they would turn on me sooner or later; they would have respect and trust for society and lose their respect and trust for me; I wanted nothing to do with a person like that.
.
So; I had 2 completely different values systems in my personality... split right down the middle. I loved and I hated at the same time. Dr Jekyll Mr hyde.
.
So; My personality was going into a morid destroyed state; and getting worse and worse... Ruptured raped personality...
.
Anger and relational superiority. I began to think I was better then everyone. I was a relational master. Im the only one who understood how to have a real relationship; everyone else was inferior to me... I was the King of relationship ability. I think I got this way from being hurt. Its all delusional fantasy...
.
.
IN THE PRESENT:
Narcissistic relational expert; Thats how I see my ability to be in relationships and understand them; Im the superior expert; I am better then everyone.... Im a relational superstar! NOT! I am a relational expert.
.
Interesting How I would pick something like relationships to have an un real delusional self fulfilling concept of superiority over others. It think its called; DRY DRUNK..
A DRY DRUNK is some who has a problem drinking and personality have become warped from drinking. Even tho they quit drinking and step out of the bar... even if they've not had a drink in years; they still sound like a mean insane self centered narcissistic drinker.. Even tho they haven't touched a drink in years. In affect; they have no personality recovery after getting off the booze. They sound like someone drunk; a mean belligerent drunk; their personality has not changed... ITs as if they were still drinking all the time.
.
WHen younger; Even tho I had relationships growing and developing in a positive sense; When I became negative and withdrawn and angry; I began to see those same people I was interested in relationships; I began to see them as the enemy and as inferior.. Soon; I was disgusted by them and thought I could get better... So I rejected them and went my own narcissistic way back to my own cave with my own merroir so I could look at myself all day long; I had nothing but hatred for those I had recently loved. In this case; they were innocent because I had not known them long enough for them to have any opinion of my different sides; they did not know about them...
.
Its as if I had 2 views of the same person based on 2 different sets of beliefs... One loved them and wanted a relationship with them; The personality infected with hatred toward the human race; this personality thought he was superior to those same people I loved and I decided not to feel anything for them... I walked away from them.
I actually thought I could get better. But in all reasoning; I knew deep down inside; I was with the best... I knew I could not get better; their was no better literally; I was at the top of the food chain; Nothing made any sense...
.
IN THE PRESENT:
So here I am with this narcissistic unreasonable dry drunk state of feeling Im superior to others when it comes to relationships; when in reality; I absolutely no experience or success ever with relationships... 3rd grade kids are better at relationships then I will ever be. Relationships are my lowest and worst ability.
.
Lying to myself and others.
I believe Ive boasted myself up in the area of relationships; Ive created giant lies surrounding my abilities in relationships because I have no track record of any worth in relationships; its at a place as low as one can go character wize... It is by far my weakest are of all areas; No strength; weak... and the list goes on about my inferior ability in relationships... I just never believed anymore; I didnt believe I could find someone nice ever again; anyone; I didnt believe anyone was nice; nothing! I did not believe anyone would ever see my value; and technically no one ever has... Ive never had anyone sought me out because Im a nice decent person.
.
IN THE PRESENT>
My Goal is to get over myself and come back down to normal just like everyone else has to... I have just as many character flaws as anyone else in normal life concerning what I bring to the table for relationships.
.
For example; When it comes to women; I'm a cheapskate... I don't know how to be anything else because I have no money; so I opted never to get into relationships and that solves my relationship problems; but it brought me to loser status... So; in the end it was temporary... much later in time I will want to come back to being in relationships; Mental illness will keep me from it.
.
So; Now; I would like my nice personality back...
.
My goal is to get out of victimhood...
.
I created relationships; Then; when I knew the other person was doing good; I purposely turned on them claiming they were the worldly enemy; and I abandon are friendship; Thus; total manipulation... Just like a fiend. Here's the deal; it didn't used to be like that for me when really young; I had no reason to dissociate and go that rout. Id like to feel good about myself and stay put stay my ground and just work it out with the other person; learn to work with others and not throw away my relationships with others...
.
NOTE: I was 2 chicken to work things out with the other person; and did not have the character or the guts to follow through. Nor did I seem to care anymore. I mean; no one cared about me or why I was acting the way I was acting. I was truly all alone... I will need to seek out help for myself somewhere else.
.
or claim my pain and less then position in life of how I feel like a victim; but not involve the other person. That is the real goal... keep the other person out of it... just express my feelings and quit finding someone else to blame because Im feeling horrible or less then or sad; don't through the other relationship out the window; if they have a problem; let them state it... learn to keep the relationships. Its o so hard tho. feels really strange...
.
The point is; its not the other person's fault or involvement. The fact Its so codependent for me; this states everything. The other person is innocent and I have to get back to a point where I stop dragging them into my stuff for absolutely no other reason then to take them hostage with my codependency and drama...
.
So I have allot to work on......
.
I can feel it; but Ive stated kind of the goal; stop blaming the guy next to me because he has success in life; stop blaming everyone... Just let the pain and frustration and fear out... just keep expressing it but leave everyone else alone; dont damage relationships by making others take sides with me or against me. I certainly didnt work the last time I did this; years and years ago; Those folks just walked away! They never returned.
.
A fictitious story example of a similar feel to what I did to others... the same kind of moral crime... And how I tried to justify it and make myself look innocent when Im not innocent at all.
What I did was like; In my fantasy
It was like I claimed I was going to buy something from someone. I bought it but kept the money claiming the person I bought it from was a bad person who represented the system; I took the money and left... I said the other person was the bad person so I dont owe them anything. Society is the criminal; Im innocent.
.
In this fictitious story
So I used the other person as an excuse to steal money; that's all it was.. I hid behind a political agenda so I could be a thief but still make myself look white as snow and innocent..
.
The question is; In this fictitious story; why did I need to become a thief; why did I handle it that way... Why even bother; it was just a lack of character... WHy did I blame anyone for me being a thief; to cover my tracks so I could get away with it. I could get away with it and blame someone else!
I didnt have the guts to follow through so I needed to manipulate others to get what I wanted because I did not have the character to stand up for what i wanted or face anyone...
END OF FICTITIOUS STORY>
.
.
WHERE IS ALL THIS GOING?
.
At this point; im interested in getting some social ability back. This means being in relationships again; Romantic relationships... Learning how to be part of them... learning how to trust people again?
Im an intelligent deep deep deep individual who has never even had a real girlfriend before... Nothing. I mean; No really emotional connection with anyone ever... Ill keep working with the universe on this... Ill admit the shallowness of the society I live in makes me sick to my stomach... I dont like the idea that people as valuable as I am are so over looked by the members of this society...
.
One of my biggest problems has been. I havent had any money to offer anyone; Ive been lost all my life; How was someone of upper level value going to value me; They never seemed to want to... I never saw anyone wanting me ever! No one! Like; I had nothing to offer anyone????
.
I found that no one ever cared about who I am; I want to say who I am on the inside; its like the real me doesn't exist to anyone.
Im not going to have relationships with anything who does not see me; my identity or sees my from inside me... who I really am. Non of this makes any sense.
.
Im working with God now... So; the first thing is to get figured out what happened with my first love so I dont repeat it... and make sure I dont end up around someone like that ever again...
.
My goal in Phase 7 #2; is to face the walls where I avoid that are keeping me down or imprisoned within me. I would like to see work done on this subject; watching gains toward breaking down these walls in front of me; this learned helplessness.
.
And I will say; these are walls as Im attempting to move in the present forward... This has nothing to do with the past. Im trying to create new experiences for myself in the present life with Gods help...
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], quietgirl2538, Ralphleave, Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.229s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.77
Time : 3.229s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.77