June 2025
May 2025
I was going to the store with a friend; he was driving...
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Ive been working on the time period of 14 years old; when I was 14; been doing allot of work on that for awhile. THat was the time period of my First Love and many other beginning things... That was a time of great horror and oppression and mental illness...
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Ive been slowly advancing through this stuff; especially about my first love and the ability to work through it after facing more n more of it and visually taking control and being present... and many other things of that time period Ive been wanting to deal with and have dealt with some of it.
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This morning on the way to the store in the car; I realized I was free. The whole time period of age 14 in that specific neighborhood on coast where I moved; suddenly now Im free. Meaning I can bounce in n out of that experience.. meaning; if I was back their right now; Id be free to roam again! Free. No freeze mode or anything else. Suddenly my independent life shows up... I can feel it; Im not being controlled. Im free. Its amazing working with the universe..
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I can see many things in new lights; Im much more confident in my view of things now and what I could have done then...
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What does all this mean; it means the universe is preparing me for a new life.. .
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I realized something at 14. I had no downtown life; Only a kids life... No work life yet or ambition life or much of a girlfriend life if anything...
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So; A world to face; thats where the universe is sending me.
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This time period was a significant time period concerning mental health and freedom of development. At this point it looks like I get to develop it again.
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This was also a time I would have had to have sat down my First Love and told her who I really am; and I could not do that. Impossible at the time. Id need the maturity of a 40 year old man for that; impossible. However, Now; I can clearly see it... So; this effects me because Ill have to talk to who ever the universe is sending me now! Ill have to sit them down and talk to them about my personal situation; something was I afraid of ever telling anyone most of my life.
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I cant under emphasize the importance of this.
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I cant under emphasize the importance of being able to see my First love clearly in my imagination in such a solid clear realistic way concerning the times and that at that moment; I have to sit down with her and tell her everything about who I and who I am not. Something impossible at the time; but is possible now if I met someone now... This really is incredible., This is the kind of stuff Ive been working on for years; and for years this area of my past was part of my disability; thats how brutal it was for me.. I was destroyed for many reasons and look at it now; Im free again during that time period. However, as I mentioned; I did not have any adult abilities and no planned future and I would have had to tell the girl up the street how I felt about her and all the dysfunction of my life and what was getting in the way of my life; the real story... the one that does not look very good...
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This is how the releasing of dissociative disorder looks when coming out of amnesia... Suddenly i remember something or Im freed from something before I even know its happened. It happens in 100th of a second...
Give God Universe all the credit; Give me the credit of bowing down to my master God onto my knees and face 100 times a day... I bow down to my master for my master is above and I am below...
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MUSIC:
Things are picking up; I bought a new keyboard. and actually started on some music yesterday... Its a beginning and that's what counts. .
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With music I want to experiment for awhile; create abstract comps...
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