July 2025
June 2025
Phase 4 #3; I got allot a work ahead... Im not in wake up mode; Im pre life mode. Its like I woke up in the space chamber; I can see outside the window into the video game room below; and I know something going to happen at some point in that place... that stary place.
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Im waking up into my future....
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Am I awake? Yes; but Im still in the old life and I cant move; but Ive been moving around allot! And so Im walking up where Im at! And I like it and I want more; My brain wakes up first; and then my body!
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FIRST LOVE;
Here it goes; So; I was like broken street person living in someone's house when I was 14; it was like I was couchsurfing from one house to the next as a throw away; been going on since 5th grade... I never saw it coming... So I was in survival mode from childhood and never came out of it... So; no functioning in the school system... no relationships... no friends; they all left me. In fact; most never liked me to begin with and never wanted me around them or in their homes. I never knew until it was 2 late... I mean; I would have never associated with them if I had known that...
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So; Im at yet another home as a broken throw away; Im a ghost...
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I didnt realize that when the energy came through me from the universe; I did not realize directional concepts for that energy. I did have energy building up and flying through me; but I was in the wrong directions; I guess.
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So; I met this girl up the street; MY FIRST LOVE: And I realize now that a girl needed someone to listen to her and relate to her; and thats what she needed; thats what they need; someone that really loves them; and I did that; and it worked. But did it work?
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I was a thrown away living in someone's house. I did not function; I needed to be around other people thrown away; completely thrown away but safe some how; and thats a weird combination... But thats what I needed; I needed to meet people at state agencies; those from troubled backgrounds who understood what I was dealing with; the whole world had dissolved around me; I had nothing and was functioning at nothing! I could not function and I needed to be around those who did not function. Those in a recovery process for being completely thrown away from society.
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So; Instead of meeting those going to 12 step groups or recovery groups or agencies set up by the state; or therapists or school counselors at the time; I ended up at peoples homes... In one case; I met a girl.
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The problem with this girl; She thought I was from her rich background. Or whatever it was she was from... solid middle class; privileged kind of thing I guess; Cards stacked in deck; people like her; like this.
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I was from the opposite side of the world. I couldnt even function in school; I could not function at all. But I met her and fell for her because I opened up to her because I thought she was like me.
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And that is a very important statement; " I thought she was like me"; She was not like me on any front; The only thing she was like me; She responded to someone that liked her or would listen to her; someone that liked her; she responded to it; But how long would that last...
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Of course she responded to me; she was around someone that liked her; But I was under the idea she was like me and thats why she liked me! In reality; nothing could have been further from the truth; At some point; Im going to wake up and realize I MADE A MISTAKE! It wasnt her fault; she was expecting someone from her background; Well-to-do; In all innocence. I mean; She thought I was that person. I mean; In a sense; why wouldnt she. She just assumed I was like her and what ever background I came from must have been like hers or why was I at her house!
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NOTE: I may not like the fact that I was going to be treated indifferently because of my economic and social situation; The family I lived with at the time; the adults worked; so they have their own lives and money. I was much like a foster kid that was moved yet; to one more housing situation... thats all it was; I was not wanted there... I was on my own in a sense but did not know it. I had been a thrown away from childhood and did not know what that meant completely.
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So; I met this girl up the street that thought I was a normal middle class kid from a normal neighborhood and family system like she was; I was not.
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So; When I met her and she realized I did like her and wanted to listen to her and cared about her; she responded... But what was she responding 2. She assumed I came from her background. Later when she realized I was not from her background; I was a throw away; I was laughed at; left of to die and dumped... I was abandon again. I was thrown away from her middle class house hold!
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Look how homeless people are treated; like second class citizens. Thats just the way it is; I would not suggest a homeless person go hangout with middle class people to get emotionally better; because the middle class people will eat them alive. Its better for the homeless person to hang out at structured agencies set up by the state with other homeless people...
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The middle class people will judge a homeless person to death; discarding them back to the streets in a second.
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So; I assume all of this is making sense.
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I got caught up in a situation I could not win at; In a sense; I had met the wrong style or type of person... I had no future with them; as soon as they found out my background I was out! No fault of my own; Just the way things were; the way the cards were thrown on the table.
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NOTE: The goal is to wake up and be on my feet concerning the before-trauma; what happened before that brought me to this place!
Is this making sense...
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A part of me wanted to go home or be in the middle class; I automatically went or shown up to some middle class house where I met people; and thats the problem and Im bent out of shape that my middle class possibilities were taken from me. They had been stripped from me from the beginning but I never knew; meaning; when I was young...
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So; ending up at a middle class house to meet someone or make friends was not only ridiculous; it was dangerous and detrimental. ( This was not the direction of my higher power; but I was not in touch with a real higher power at the time); and I will pay for that...
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I needed help from agencies because I was a throw away... The last thing I needed was to trust a middle class well to do teen age girl with no problems; not the kind I had... But I had no idea! Unfortunately im going to learn the hard way; because as soon as I let down my walls and get closer; shes going to find out I dont function in the middle class world; and this is because of severe trauma... and she is going to sense it it as a form of weakness she does not have to take responsibility for(SHe Doesnt have to take responsibility for) Im from the outside; Im not from there. Im going to be spit on; laughed at and dumped and thrown away. At some point Ill start to see this happening... Ill see it from the very beginning; and soon Ill realize theres nothing here! I made a mistake. This was not someone of my background and not someone I can trust and talk to. And Ill realize I opened up to my enemy! And when she finds out Im not one of her; or her people or background; they will try to trample me under their feet and get rid of me; because they have no respect for poor broken people. I mean; for broken people; they think broken people are weak... and Ill be austrizied and dumped... gotten rid of as fast as possible and any memories shoved under the rug as if we had never met! When I look like a homeless person and wont open up; The middle people judge to throw me away; Fair enough; but why make them into friends; Im a friend of Jesus not those people in that community.. Wrong group...
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So; it will be like having my head cut off; like I had never had any experience with this person; it will be erased as if I never existed....
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The problem is the past; the problem is the present; At some point I will be present when I talk this or write this stuff... and its been happening; need to happen more... and more and more until its all past tense and Im present tense. Its happening; the problem is the child in me; the innocent part of me got involved. I dont like people who try to drown the child in someone; THey know its innocence and they play it. Trying to destroy it; And when I know that about the person; Im gone; and maybe stuck because I had feeling for them; When it was all faked by the other person... Just leading people on...
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The point is; Im heading in the right direction.... Im on my knees with GOd... and Im praying for many things... Im getting hungry and believing working with my higher power is the goal...
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Its all working.
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PRIDE: ALways had a problem not being accepted by the masses... THe middle never needed me and never needed to care what happened... I was not in their class system; not after what I went through...
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Music; Well; Whats cool; I understand its about responds-ability... its about being present for every arm move back n forth... every arm beat@!
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Art; Select and respect that time... Responds-ability...
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