July 2025
June 2025
Ive written this three times...
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On to the 4th maybe....
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Phase 2 means; after Ive worked on processing out the final past dysfunctional associations( people) from my past; and with GOds help; finished those quests within self; its an inside job; Nothings left but to deal with the outside world of whats in front of me. Set goals; work with God...
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Now; Ill let myself heal for a long while and try ( With GOds help) to come back to normal a bit; but im not strong. Im not sure my mind will ever return to normal where I feel safe in the world ever again... Its damaged within reality; reality is 2 hard a deal. But with faith and interest and a good heart..... who knows.
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Im grateful; but would like more time please.
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So; Im starting to get it; Im worried about only one thing... My recovery process has been brutal; but flawless. Its worked and working.. My only complaint is age.
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I feel like Im specifically working on child age trauma that cut me up and off from my growth. ALl of the work Ive done with God so far is about mending all of that brokenness so I can go back to normal and start up where I left off. The problem is; Im not childhood age. Im closer to the end of my life. No big deal; my days are numbered; its all OKE; except one thing. I want some time left to live my life.
All ive done is be broken out of my life; suffer from addictions and mental illnesses to the point of non functioning; I then spent the rest of the time in the recovery process trying to discover to recover.
Now; Ive uncovered some common principles surrounding my recovery; Im now in the rehabilitation stage with the goal of getting some levels of recovery and real world sanity so I can live a normal life. Im now showing signs of walking up and out of the well back to the sunlight landing on my feet; I dont know how long this will take. How much longer God will this take... my days are numbered...
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So; Im starting get in touch with what is missing; I am not developed; I am missing. Part of me did not develop; I was cut off; this was done on purpose by the head of the house holds; but regardless; Ill talk to God on how to get the safe affectionate areas fixed for that time period of mylife; where to go and what to do about this.
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MUSIC AND ART; New insights from the universe.
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At a meeting this morning; discussing music when speaking; The universe revealed something to me; very important; it came from listening to someone elses sharing...
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I realized or it was given to me. Memorizing music to be shared with others is not a Burdon; its a requirement. It must be part of the deal.. Its part of the deal. Its not a freebee; thats not possible without it; its part of the deal. IF I dont like it; thats 2 bad. Im scared that I cant do it; thats the problem; but then with PTSD CPTSD its been impossible to memorize but I never cared enough to even try; I never saw it going anywhere or any purpose for it; I never saw creating music as meaning anything or having any value. And that came from the rapists and molesters I was exposed to or victimized by. So; I have allot of work to do; in order to get back my belief's about how I feel about what is valuable.
I was trauma bonded to the point that I was nothing and what they thought and felt was everything.
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So; I have to work with God to work through the sexual abuse and what it did to me...
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I have to work through being scared of my own values and beliefs.. And how to feel safe getting them back.. Ill talk to God about this.
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Being triggered sucks.
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I need to see music as something worthwhile... or it wont work. Requirements. Reading music; memorizing music; playing an instrument.. Yes! I mean; what was I thinking; what world was I in! Ill take it all to God and maybe get this straightened out... I seem to have no patients or something for the requirements of a thing. I seem to be scared and dissociated and freaked out. So; Ill work with God on this stuff...
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So; Ill pray about what is stopping me from the requirements; character to be a musician. I almost laugh at it; like I'm not willing to do all the work; and then I laugh about it; Like its not worth it; Im not stupid; I refuse to do the work or commit myself; My head is buried in the sand; and that wont get me anywhere.
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MUSIC: THE RIGHT WAY TO THINK:
These are the requirements. I read music; I write music; I memorized music and I play an instrument. Instead of being mad or hopeless about it; about the steep requirements; why not have some hope about it and just do it. Im scared of something; of being logged into something I cant keep up with because Im not responsable. Im worried about having it used against me.
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What do I want? If I commit to music; Im not committing to anything else. Im pigeon hold into a way of life that does not describe my whole life; just a small part of it and I don't want that.
However, I might really start talking about all this because Im creating a fib. I mean; Im lying'; Im not telling the truth. I just dont have the ability to follow through with a work ethic; I want something for nothing and I see this as a form of mental illness; its insane...
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If I play live; Ill have to memorize a piece or read the piece from paper. Ill have to memorize the lyrics...
What is stopping me. I can feel the anger and the loss of realty. I want to be a super star; not a musician...
I thought I actually wanted to be a musician; not what music can get me..... When did this start? When did I give up being creative; I see the sexual abusers; where I was controlled or learned to be controlled.
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Ive got my priorities all mixed up. Ive got everything all mixed up. I dont seem to want to fit for anything to hold on to anything; I guess Im 2 afraid Ill lose no matter what I do... so why bother; Im not that stupid.
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I would like my ability to fight for what I want; I would like it back. Sexual abuse in the way and part of this problem... Not owning myself or having my own free space to feel safe and be myself.
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I want instant gratification or nothing; I wont do it; I refuse to fight for what I want...
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I REFUSE TO FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANT:
I think its suppose to be the other way around. I will fight for what I want and not give up... This statement has caused more pain. Its true tho; I lost my mind and my will to see sanely.
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I need a higher power because out in the real world I was and didnt get anywhere... A higher power can see where I dont.
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So; Im starting to see some sanity show up concerning music and art. IVe been insane; Ive dropped out of or dropped off of the work involved. Fine; Im making a statement. But how is anything going to get done musically.
I sound like a active drug addict when I say Ill just drop out of society and wont do anything. ANd Im right and sane and the rest of the world is crazy.
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I know a guy thats in his 50's. Hes supper thin; dyed his hair blond... He rides around on a MBx bike; hes an active heroin addict.. I saw him at the front of a church looking for food... handouts for that week; Hes fine with his life. No problems... He thinks hes got it going on; he loves the drugs and the life style... I get it and its the stupidest thing Ive ever seen...
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Heres my point.
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I want to work with God so i dont drop out anymore or stay in limbo because of severe trauma...
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I want to look at what I want; not looking at the requirements... just; what do I want. And then work with God on what's stopping me; what's making me check out of reality instead of putting in the hard work to accomplish what it takes to go where I want to go. fight for it... I dont know how to; I have never done it; I became passive and gave up long before I would fight to keep something alive.
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I have to take it all to God mindlessly one might say. Make a goal; and just get on my knees and pray for it constantly. And meditation.
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Im trying to make a point; Or; Ill just dream my life away; and I dont want to do that.
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Im starting life from a dissociated limerence dream state; Ill start their; and see what God can do for me.
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I can see this throw away life created concerning relationships; I never fought for what I wanted. I dont know... I never believed and I never saw anyone want to help me believe. ANd for that I thought they were worthless and wanted nothing more to do with them; they were not from GOd... I was wrong.
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Ill have to take both relationships and activities to God...
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I would like to learn to fight for what I want. Ive been victim and walking away... So; Ill take that to God... all of this..
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LACK OF DEVELOPMENT;
I have a lack of development; like several years in a specific area of my childhood; I can feel it and see it; its kept me from fighting off bullies; going after what I want; or asking women for dates or believing I can have a girlfriend. Im also missing many more smaller situations because of this lack of development. When I say lack of development; I mean; its devoid; something is completely missing; it could be from 0-7 years old or 7-9 years old. Something is missing completely or I coward out.. and never regained a confidence I never had; something is missing at the adolescence core area.
5th grade; 6th grade 7th grade 8th grade... These areas.. Maybe 4th grade. 3rd grade... Something in all of this. I never branched outward on my own and started develop anything; instead I waited for my parents to love me... but that just never happened. So; its like Im traumatized and still waiting. So; Ill pray about all of this.
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