July 2025
June 2025
Ego reduction;
Im now becoming a leader in my life concerning the learning and functionality of women. All this means; Im not depending on or needing someone else to think for myself or go after something; THe universe seems to have taken over and is helping me; I feel a strange kind of personal confidence; like things are going back to becoming personal; I dont need others knowing everything... Ive all ready passed the test with my inner being and the universe.
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I was at a meeting tonight and I talked about women in a very interesting ways; because I was very sincere and honest about them; basically bringing up personal vulnerable agonizing stuff in front of everyone. Many about relationships not women. But since its about women; its about women; but its also about friends; guy friends; anyone.
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Its more about whos on what side... evil/good....
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The key was; I started taking responsibility for many things I was saying; This was a sign of sanity in a sense.
This is about a frustrating situation dealing with the wrong people; The wrong people Ive been around. And I finally said it publicialy; my truer feelings.
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My feelings about women are; I have no bad feelings.. Ive been swamped by evil; I am not interested in evil people. Any women that are practicing evil; I have no feeling for. Any people that are practicing evil; I have no feeling for. This means; any people without a conscious; I have no feeling for; no interest. Ive not felt good enough to be around anyone else... I thought; if I could save someone I would feel better and have purpose... I would love someone that would be appreciative; Unfortunately; after getting raped murdered and tortured by these monsters; I no longer think like this... Im slowly getting the poison out of my system.. the trauma bonding and narcissistic brainwashing. I was taken in by smooth talking con artists from families that produced sociopaths... After being cut up and sliced up into pieces; I no longer want anything to do with this anymore... the hardest part is when I take it personally. Im so damn damaged... My nervous system and mind! I just want out; and want to start over with God directing everything and go with Gods alignment for who Im supposed to be around.
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The key is; I told others this yesterday at a meeting; I talked about my frustration of not wanting anything to do with relationships because of this reason; something would have to change before I would get involved with anyone in this day n age.
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What I was saying and the way I was saying it was truthful; more sane like. It was very good; in a sense I was taking responsibility for my own friendship developments. I wasnt just blaming it on the atmosphere anymore.
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I was setting standards and suggesting Ill reach outward as a leader in myself and learn what I need to learn about what I want and go after what I want. I dont need anyone else to do that. I have God and support and ill step out myself and decide what I want... Something kind of like that; I no longer cared what anyone thought.
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I felt that I could manifest something for myself; I was actually stepping out taking chances and proving it by talking so boldly about it publicly. I felt very empowered or confident or inline with my higher power; in complete correct alignment... I always need and want support; but I didnt need it for my decision process; I had all ready made a decision. SOmething; but something more.
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Something wonderful happened; I didnt need anyone else at that moment; it was like I was a leader in myself. I did need others but I didnt need them to make a decision for me; I had all ready made my own decisions because Im capable of making up my own mind of what I want and what I want to go after; and suddenly I could go after what I wanted on my own... It was like a giant brain showed up and took over and immersed me and showed me all things... It was the universe where I was inline with the universe...
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It may have been the decent part of my brain; it is fine and confident... and took over or I allowed to live in it for those moments... Havent felt together like this on this subject for almost ever... ITs all Universe; its all frequency; I tapped into a higher level frequency and bam... I just did; I didnt know it was coming; Ive just been working with the universe; suddenly within moments; its as if I walked through a wall. ANd ive done this more n more lately; not all at once. but more frequently they are showing up; walking through these walls; not all the time. ITs like and defence in a Tower defence video game; It would be one of the defenses granted to me against the Ocrs...
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I began to see women as equal in a sane way... As another half Ive been excluding and I could really come up with an answer why.... Why wasnt I dating anyone. why wasnt I interacting. Ive been separated from myself.
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What about the desire to have a cool female friend... I mean; isnt this the stuff little kids dream about most of their lives... what happened to my dreams. Its as if God stepped in and powered things up while I was speaking last night... Took over completely.
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I see myself as capable because I see women as human beings... Before this; I saw them as fantasy fairy tails. I saw them as something on TV or in a movie... But not something accessible for me in society.
Suddenly in my mind I began to wake up; gain some sanity... Lately things have been changing concerning women. For the last few weeks theyve been getting ever closer to me. Ive watch this; it has to do with GOd and the universe and manifestations... They are all just kind of trying to get my attention a little more. Even the ones I was fearful of are starting to show up around me a bit... Not all of them of course; However, its like the attraction polarity has reversed for the positive; and its happened in my soul. Now; I seem to be more naturally friendly.
It may be that Im starting to interact allot more with certain women and I am; more down to earth and more women are seeing that and show up around me wanting things; some want to barrow pens from me or some want to feed me... stuff like that... Im just kind of watching this happen.
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Many very cool and strange things are happening right now; its magic. And my problems with relationships; I think they are going away kind of. Well; it would be better set that God is setting me up correctly to have real relationships in the real world. Ego reduction...
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MUSIC: Answer; EGo reduction.
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I have anger from being abused; this has cause a huge isolation problem from the rest of the world and a giant Ego; that because Im a victim; Im better then the average person; I deserve much more and Im entitled...
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The goal of music; First the problem; it seems the pain associated with music creation; the slapping of my ego and my worth. It seems that creating music is a slap against my ego and my worth. On a larger picture; its the fact I have to work at anything... Create something for someone else. Just to be dehumanized publicly. Could an answer be; perform somewhere where it is safe. Yes!
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EGO; Associating the creation of music with my self worth or where Im suppose to be in life. Wouldn't it be nice to perform music somewhere out of the love of creating cool things; and playing them for people. No assessment of worth involved. Ill pray about this.
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Because; no matter what direction I go with music; its work and sacrifice; and thats all it is... and thus; I end up with a finished product and a practiced product for the public to enjoy!~ Im angry about giving anything to the public.
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Lots of anger and pain here and association with my worth...
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The Ego problems make so I dont have to participate in life because I was destroyed; unfortunately; no one told my music ability this; because if I dont work at the work aspect of creating music; nothing happens.
I have allot of rage thoughts and anger associated with music creation. All of this anger does or has little to do with actually building music stuff.
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NOTE; I feel strangered; Like I was knocked of the train of my own tracks and left; when I got up my life and career had passed me by. Now; I get to start over being nothing but an entertainer; just doesn't seem right; non of this. However; I do have another attitude about it; if i so want a real career at something; I can do music and art on the side in private safe ways that continues to build my art interest and experience. At the same time building some kind of career; I have no idea what that would be; Ill talk to God about it.
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To Go from where Im at to this new place of creating music through these electric fences of anger; I can kind of see it; they are all triggered; I have spaces from my younger life; years of fear and no development; It is these years that have to be connected and developed. I can feel it; years of no parents no protection; no housing; have to be shoved off onto relatives; no life; nothing... bullies; no way to protect myself; no father... no future; nothing.
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In these horror years; They needed to be re done and re connected; Ill talk to God about them; and it starts right when Im dropped of the cliff at age 9.
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SO; Lots of pTSD rage going write now as I write this; going back to grades school where it wont go the way I thought it was suppose to; I didnt realize no one was there for me.. .Nothing...
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So; its all ego. Someone owes me for what was done to me and Im going to collect. The problem is; nothing else is done; no music no art; nothing; and no purpose for it; and its totally understandable with CPTSD and dissociative disorder...
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NOTE: The key; the positive to what is happening now is; Im waking up and doing things for myself; with GOds help; Im still here and Im starting to rehab back into the beginnings of life; or at least I have that choice and dont think anyone owes me anything; we will see. I get to start at least; I can see that possibility; We will see. Its a humble beginning of the lowliest endeavors; but atleast Im willing; thats what im looking for; that willingness to have a good attitude about things.. and work toward that good attitude.
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I can see myself creating music and making a complete finishing of it and performance; I also see the massive triggering; but I can see the pain has little to do with reality... So; that is an incentive to work on things. THe problem is; I feel like Im going to be vulnerable... and taken advantage of...
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PAST RELATIONSHIPS:
I seem to not give myself credit that nothing was personal; Non of the people in those relationships ever came to me. ANd I never dropped away from those relationships when I could have.
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Im trying to work with GOd to get to a point of where I was at before I ever met anyone... way before it; Because no one came to me ever. I always went to them. I lost nothing; God never brought any of these people to me in the first place.
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NOTE: What do i need to do to get to where I need to go... How do I associate and trust to be around the right people and trust im not going to get tanked by them! Im scared to death to get around people that think they are better then me... I dont want any part of it.
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Many times deep down I feel responsable because the child in me liked some of them. But I try to explain to my inner child that I was never really invited to be around those specific people. And thus; it was like cheating. They would have never met me. Thus; If I want happiness; it will have to be somewhere else earned through God; Ill have to work on this... Im having a hard time with this; I feel like Im entitled and someone owes me. So; I have to look at this and work through it.. break through it...
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Music;
How to beat this thing... Keep working with GOd... Ill write another blog about how Im attempting to start over with music again; get down to the deep hatred and resentments and try to understand what is going on here. Is this really where Im suppose to be... GOD! ?
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One major problem; Im going from a mind of fantasy into a world of reality with no skills in reality... no performance skills or experience. Ive allowed this to stop me and Ive never felt smart enough or good enough or worthy...
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