July 2025
June 2025
IVe been making progress from different angles.. progress in my life development; And that means; within myself; its an inside job. Ive been making progress from different angles within self; deep spiritual self..
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Im believing more than ever I can regain the person i lost when young. And thus; that may be possible; but at what cost; I mean; WW1; What did it cost? It cost allot... It cost in lives and materials and emotional and physical mental health.. I heard a vid suggest it was 40 million people infected by that monster. 9 million solders died. Nothing is free. I mean.......
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So; A large important Gap ( A deadly Gap) resides between where Im at and being myself again. I can see it; its on the horizon. I can see things for myself; being part of things again I have not seen since a boy. Believe me when I say; This is a bloody Miracle; my whole life a huge miracle.
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The recovery process; What has it been like?. Its been like a War; Like WW1.... However; Ive had unbelievable odds. When in the great battle and all around others have no hope and no way out; I seem to be able to hide and skirmish and run and duck and roll; and run for cover; play dead; crawl; jump; swim; sink under the skirmish; nodge; squirm; swim; dive; walk. float like a ghost; silent like a moving bullet; a small moving slow motional... or; silent and still.
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Some how I make it silently across the battle field as it rages on; I find myself in a neutral rest area on the over edge of the other side of the battle and I run and I run and I run; until Im over taken by trees. Grey and hazed out; I hear the Guns; Far away; ever leaving far away; The distance is now distorting and the clouds mulfing the sounds; I can hear the Guns fare way; pounding each part of the ground; on the battlefields of the forgotten; Im on safe ground; It is behind me; But I can't see anything; only trees; I slow down and walk and talk to myself; Wondering how I made it again to the other side.. But I did. And this will happened over n over n over!
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And in the end; I will start to wake up; And slowly take control of my own life once again...
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And the memories of the past hit me; And I remember now. And I realize; I can be home again; I mean; I can actually be me Again!!!!
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NOTE; Im damaged goods; being led into innocent concrete canals and small caves where bomb is waiting to rip and tear me to pieces; Ive been blown up several times simply by being an honorable decent man. Ive been killed.... parts of me; only a ghost is left....
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THE PROBLEM:
I have to wait and keep working at things; working at the techniques that send me forward.
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This truly is like being and surviving a WW1 battle;
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What's coming next; the beginning of the big push to intact the steps to go from one side of this giant large battle field to another..
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The other side of the battle field is a much closer confident view of my real self; Or Im shoring up the gap; That's what it means.
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Why is this important?
The last time I felt like a human being inline with myself; someone else was paying for almost everything... I had no choice but to have a lot of abuser people in control of me and surrounding me all the time; basically these sick members of sick family systems and such; I was floated; I did belong to something...
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Now; Im wanting to experience that freedom with no one else from the family system around me or in control of me.
If I continue to grow; that is what will happen.
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I have to practice steps in my imagination; steps from where Im at the REAL THING in my imagination; Im that close.
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Ive been working with techniques within my imagination; visualizations; to practice the pathways from where Im at right now to where I want to be; Im trying to get me to wake up and Im attempting to break through dissociative walls of amnesia and other things.
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The goal is to practice the process; strengthen it; not the outcomes; not yet. I want to strengthen the pathway concept within my imagination until I feel I can roam anywhere I want to.
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NO IDEA OF THE OUTCOME:
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Because Im attempting to stretch the idea of creating a pathway from where Im at right now to a completely healthy or sane view of myself; This is a big big football field to cross.
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Im not sure I can handle it all at once; I will attempt it; see what happens; see if it wont wake me up a bit in an area of dissociation Ive been locked in for years...
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We will see.
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CAR;
So; I procured a ride; at least for a few times to a destination spot during this summer. Its very good; However; Ill keep working with the universe on a car; if it to be. I dont know... I have to believe.. Meditation is good because it aligns my inner being with myself...
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Progress;
One important aspect moving forward;
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I was biking down a road and saw several houses on each block next to me; and it reminded me of when I was a child... And I thought; Wouldn't it be nice if i could get that Childs desires back when he was about 6-8 years old...
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When I was 6-8 years old; I wanted to grow up and help the neighbors... help the little old lady next door or across the street... Know the people in the neighborhood. Be a neighborhood kid.
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All of that was taken from me. Now; it may be possible to get it back.
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I was going to be a nice kid; the kind that everyone in the neighborhood knows and helps... The kind that goes to the university when older and does something special with his life... I had lots of plans from the perspectives of a nice kid...
All of that was destroyed; It was like I was in a war so badly I was maimed to a point of being left as more monster then human.
However; IM Back! Now what. . ...
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The questions is; How far off is this possibility; Actually; its very close; its close for me to make a choice about something like this; pray about it and watch it manifest... That I become the better me again... Actually; Im all ready there...
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So; At a meeting I talked about it; That is the first time ever; Ive never talked about it with anyone since childhood; since it was ripped out of me.
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Now; altho it was ripped away from me and out of me; IM BACK; So I believe again. In fact; the gap between what I want and where Im at; The beginning Gap; is possible to work on; no differently than any other gap at this point... Well; thats not true...
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Whats important here; this is a direction decent into my actual childhood concept or memories; This is going directly back into my childhood and with Gods help; to start to experiment with who I was suppose to be when I grew up; This is a direction connection.
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HOW DO I FEEL:
Sure; I feel like; My whole life is about re chasing my childhood down; So; when do i get to live my life; Ill pray about it. I guess it would have been worse until I see that Im not alone in this; many lost ruptured people trying to re establish themselves. Trying to find themselves. I guess; I mean; i dont know them... Im just kind of spiritually guessing... Im human; so......
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So; What was once a dream is now in a strange way; a strange entrance; a possibility. People would die to get this chance; a chance to relive their lives being present again. Technically; Im not living in the past; Technically; I am the past trying to re establish that world in front of me; And it looks like its happening; the ability to pursue such a thing; Pure self actualization for a broken heart and soul and mind. Its mended; but you get the point.
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Im not going back into the past; Im going back in the past to retrieve something; "My Self!"; Im trying to get myself back; reconnect. Im trying to go back into the past and bring it back and make it the present... and then fit into it as the person I always wanted to be or expected to created when I was young.
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NOTE: One problem; safety. I keep getting caught with my boundaries down..
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However; Let the reader understand the realities of such things; Im damaged goods and Ive been through this before. It is not enough to retrieve the past; the retrieving of the past must go hand n hand with a build of the present and future. I do not expect my past to fulfill my life at this time; ITs an add on; its a part of me un developed; unfinished from the past.. its of most importance to get it back; to get "ME BACK"; Im not a walking coffin looking only for the past to save me; to save my present depravity.
In the present; I must work on a present life as well...
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Getting the past back is a bonus God continues to bring to me. And I want it back... I must work with God to meld the process of procuring the past and present as unison. Having both sides work together for a greater purpose of me having a life.
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I have allot of face.
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THE PAST: WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE;
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So; for this specific situation Im looking to get back; an innocent part of my past; I will re experience what I was doing when young and experience new experiences associated with it... that I will participate in. I will become aware when this desire is fulfilled and I can move on to the next level.
The idea is; Im becoming myself again; that self from the past; Im becoming or manifesting into that person again; So; how do I interact with the outside world again.
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FIRST LOVE AND WHAT TO GET OVER CONCERNING FIRST LOVE: WHAT IS LEFT?
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The main aspect of this person is gone. However; another area still exists...
75% left to go; concerning the last aspects of hanging on; the hooks that are in me vs; letting go completely where Im actually completely free of this; and moving on to other people; and able to focus on other people and not my first love( this person). This seems imbedded in fantasy land way deep; it needs to be unbedded.
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Pride and ego are still involved; Getting dumped that added to me leaving; I left because of serious signs of psychopathy and or ASPD... sociopathic evidence. and so on... I was defeated by this; once seeing this and left.
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I have to let go and move on if im going to be with someone else; I cant have this person remain as present within me... I have to work through it; let go and move on.
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75% go let go because Im not sure how or what the universe is going to give me or allow me in this situation. Ill have to work with the universe to grieve; or trauma bond.. learning how to walk away from terror or being in freeze mode. The whole experience when young was terrifying and horrifying. I did not like having a psychopath around me and I was not thrilled at the idea I had just tried to create a relationship with a monster or a Jackal of this nature... It unnerves me and makes me sick.
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The child in me is still hanging on to part of this as if it was real and hugging it and not letting it go because its easier or safer to hold on to something then let go and create something new; Something about having to do that again; my mind could not go through that anymore...
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However; hanging on to a sociopath won't do....
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Im a bit scared to let go all the way; can my mind handle it. I think maybe it can handle a little of it.
Im mad that Im still hanging on to it; or part of me is hanging on to it; When I think of letting go I become dissociative and start passing out a bit; So; something is underneath; many things may be tide to holding on to her; maybe she's a buffer for many other bad things Ive gone through. Underneath her are other time periods of bad things Ive gone through.
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Regardless; that is the goal. I may have to start writing again; dialoguing with her and me... And working to let go of it; fear and disgust are part of this; and I imagine a kind of intimidation or fear of losing her? Something? Not sure... Something thick.
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If I dont lose her; I wont have to deal with someone new that could rip my personality to pieces.
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So; lots of reasons; However; One main reason remains why I want her Gone. I dont want her here.
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I dont want her here in me anymore influencing me; I want me back; Im owned by her! And there it is! I want my life back.
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So; Ill start praying and start working on it...
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Napoleon dynamite...
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So; suddenly Im feeling it; a walkway; a pathway; a set of steps in the present seem to be showing up... a steal set of steps... These are earned by myself through God...
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So; Im showing signs of coming forth into reality... And it feels good....
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JAMES BOND VS NAPOLEON DYNAMITE:
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I didnt end up coming into reality As James Bond; Instead Im coming into reality as Napoleon Dynamite...
So; Im having to start out at the bottom. If I want anything; Ill have to talk to God about it and work on it.
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WHATS INTERESTING?;
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By talking about Napoleon dynamite; If one watch the movie; Im actually talking about coming back into society; for society in the movie includes;
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1. Napoleon the person
2. Napoleon making friends
3. Napoleon has girls he likes and attempts to have girlfriends.
4. Napoleon goes to work
5. Napoleon has family; brothers; uncles
6. People want to buy cars
7. School system; with cheerleaders and bullies and teachers and classes and lunch rooms and
everything and such and bus rides...
8. Karate classes; everything.
9. Houses; neighborhoods...
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The point is; its a piece of civilization... This movie; I do relate to it completely; And there's no fathers in the picture; maybe from one of the rich girls houses; but in general; not to many....
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This movie represents; civilization; something Im coming back into. By discussing this movie; it seems I am slowly heading into a form of civilization; that's where my interests are going..
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MY LIFE WHEN YOUNG:
So; I saw myself in my neighborhood when young; I saw the houses and how I wanted to turn out when I got older. All the work I would have to do. The social work; to become social. And I think Im slowly moving into this; Im slowly allowing GOd to help me out in this area...
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Ill keep praying about all of this.
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So; Here I am working with gOd; Ill pray first. The original me; How or where do I start writing about becoming that person again.
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So; I see the houses down my block; I remember wanting t o grow up and be social… help out all those houses down my block; thats the kind of person I am… really am; to become. Help the old lady across the street at her home.
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So; God; How do I turn into that person again. Or get that person started again.
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I would be in first or second grade; and start their by being introduced to these people and doing something for them; and in the second grade doing things with their lawns maybe and help them with stuff…
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That's where it would start.
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So; what would be the next step.
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Maybe go with them on errands or do errands for them;
Later help them cut wood or something. Move; or help them clean out garage's or something; stuff like that; and go to events with them… get to know them… do things with the moms and grandmas.
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OK God; You take it from here. And what is next; it feels like the 3rd grade; now; Im getting it a little bit;
Something new shows up; Something about my future; I start doing extra curricular things; at school and in home. And creating stuff.
So; what's next God… on the list.
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Ill continue all the way through.. what do I do how do I do it God; amen.
Our partner
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