July 2025
June 2025
After much work; 2 areas the universe unraveled for me concerning my past... concerning relationships;
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1. I am to figure out and work with the universe concerning the 100% ability to; Love My Mother...
2. My First Love; ultimately it comes down to this. I saw her with her parents; I watch her and I realized; She needs to be loved; and Im the one who is going to love her. I have all this love for her. What does she owe me. Nothing. SHe wasnt even involved in my decision to love her; it was me and GOd I think. I think God was involved...
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THE PROBLEM;
After deciding Im going to love My FIrst Love with all my heart; " THEN WHAT"; And thats where all the problems start!
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I had an attachment disorder with my mother; She was not bonded to me at birth; nothing! So; I wanted to love my mother; thats all I ever wanted... And I could not. I was completely destroyed from it; but deep down inside a light of life must have still been burning.
Now Im back; And; with the orders from the universe; I am to; "Love My Mother" I am to seek out to feel a bonding feeling with her and from her; altho she is no longer with us. I am to reshape that relationship so I felt loved; "NOW WHAT"; And thats where the trouble starts.
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FIrst Love; The only functional thing that occured was my decision to love her. After that; I had no idea what to do or how to handle it or what was best; I did not have a mother to talk to her or anyone else. How was I suppose to handle things?
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And Im at this place again as I get better; If I and when I feel that alignment from the universe; to be with someone; and I meet them; Im drawn to them. And I want to love them; What then; how do I go about this without getting slaughtered if things go wrong. I dont know; I did not do very well through my life with anyone.
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I did not function with my first love.. I dont know if that was good or bad; It scares me even more if maybe we would have gotten married? So.....
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I have a problem with long term relationships; Im scared to death of them. I guess Ill try to write about this right now...
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THe more I write this; the more I can see I had no mother; no family; no one to talk to; no support; nothing; no way I could handle any concept of any kind of relationships.
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IN THE PRESENT:
I have the ability to work with others and at least get more inline about this whole concept of relationship; that is my goal. Talk to God and get the right required support I need to hand what ever could happen...
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It does scare me; Im truly going into an area I know nothing about; Ill work with GOd on this...
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12 step meetings;
I got to 12 step meetings for support.
I talk about relationships and activities all the time; or I have; Im at this place that maybe concerning relationships; im very close to not having to talk about them anymore because Ive done so much work on them and Im getting some final basic answers from GOd universe; to a point that I dont need to bring it up anymore at meetings; Wouldn't that be nice!!!
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I dont bring up cars anymore. Transportation...
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I dont being up music and art creation anymore; God helped me to break through that; so did all places including this one; that helped me write about it or talk about the problems associated with it; the universe took it from there. .
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Relationships;
I remember wanting to or imagining tell someone how I felt; but could never... ever' totally dissociated in the real world. impossible.
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12 step meetings;
THE 12 step meetings are coming to an end kind of... THey are of no more service for my original application of getting my life to gether concerning the trauma of my earlier life. Im hitting a kind of dead end. Sure; I can go back and use them for support; but their not helping me live anymore; I mean; Im coming to the end of their use in my life. I want to go out into the real world and continue to develop... ANd Im not sure what that means now...
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So; a gap is slowly closing between the 12 step groups and real life... SO; I want to write up plans and work with God no the next steps for my life.
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MOVING BEYOND FIRST LOVE:
I mean this; Nothing is going to shock me or seem harder; atleast at first; of giving up my True love. Ive lived with her inside my mind and body all my life. ITs worse then co dependency; its like a helper crutch with her name and face and figure and feeling on it; its like shes been living inside me as a ghost; as a ghost companion to the point I didnt want any other companions.
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I really feel the stress of abandonment that the real person is not here; this occurs when I venture out to a new life where the focus is on the outside world and all new things; suddenly my internal world goes into an insecure shock and tries to shut me down or make me go into emotional pain and guilt and shame and everything else it can come up with...
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Losing weight. Im at that place; Ill pray about it; change sucks I think.
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So; Im in the middle of change; growing and maturing... I think
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Im already getting stronger and my understanding of FIrst Love continues; She would lie with ease and was deceptive; she wore a mask of many shades of sanity... to be trusted... She appeared to me to be someone wanting of love... This may have been a complete gag on me; meaning; she played me completely right from the beginning and I didnt know any other side of her; the whole thing I think was probably a complete staged act; extremely elaborate; The only kinds of entity that would be interested in doing such things to strangers would be a sadistic predatorial psychopath; and later while associating with her;' as I was in complete confusion; I finally began to see it; signs of psychopathy. In this case; she was putting herself in harms way as if nothing could touch her; I was concerned and disturbed by what I saw... It was not the kind of person others should associate with. later; I found out she was going to have harm done to me; and I would have been seriously beaten into a hospital. I happened to know the guy that was going to do it because he came up and talked to me about it; said he wasn't going to do it but that I should know he was being petitioned by my first love to do this... I would have been beaten to a pulp...
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My biggest problem with person is the connection with here. She had none to me; I had one big one with her; fierce loyalty to protect her and save her and take care of her; THis is based on what I saw when I observed her... She needed me! Thats what I told myself.
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She did not need me. She was putting on an act the whole time... all of it was an act. ALl of it! Im assuming this type of criminal has done this to others before me and after me; maybe her whole life!
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So; Im now slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly moving on one new thought at a time.
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Recently I was able to see the whole past picture of her in my head and at that moment; freeze that picture; walk away from it; and move on to a new picture of my choice within my head. It felt like I was winning a war...
This is what I was hoping for. THis is occuring; the freeing of my mind from focusing on her; because ; with enough evidence she is turning more n more into just another scumbag and nothing more.
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This means Ive created a strong enough resistance to block those thoughts; the root of the thought; the whole thing in order to move on from it. Because I don't believe it anymore.
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This was a ruthless psychopath... unfortunately; This kind of thing does happen; and for no other reason then I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I walked right into becoming a victim and statistic of a social crime.
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The fact I get to move on from it; slowly; is a bloody miracle... It feels like Im being skinned alive; that's because I was groomed into believing I was liked by this predator.. and all this was; was a predator; that's all it was; no conscious. Ill slowly get better and get back to being the nice person I am....
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So; it hurts badly... Everytime I sleep and get up; Im hurting badly. This is God opening up my nervous system to the next level of learning.... and the truth of what is going on.
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So; Im in the middle of a change over...
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With Frist Love; this is a tremendously bad case of falling into the arms of a sociopathic narcissist concept... The first thing recommended is to get away from them and never go back and to get over them.
Our partner
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