July 2025
June 2025
Ive been having success.
I have a bazillion computer based video games from several online distributors and video game communities online.
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I always play on easy setting; and for me; its been about therapy for dissociative disorder...
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So; the inner active process of sitting in front of the screen interacting with choices within the video games is very trying on my dissociative condition; its like lifting weights for an AVPD... its another form of therapy; Its safe inneractions...
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If I get triggered or hurt or the PTSD gets triggered from interacting with the video games; I start getting traumatized or go into freeze mode; overwhelmed; I can simply shut it down; shut it off. The video game experience is like being in a mental health simulator teaching me or allowing me to practice interacting with the outside world again.
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I work with the universe/God, So; THe goal of GOd is to help me get stronger in connection with the real world; to believe again; stronger connections...
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Video games are one of my main Hobbies brought by God.... So; Im now getting used to using them; or wanting to interact with them in my own special way. Ill put a game on for 5 minutes; play a little bit of it; then put on another game; play it for 5 minutes; for a little bit... Im trying out different games... several games Ive not looked at yet; its all new to me and a place to hide in; its starting to turn into the beginnings of more of a hobby.. So; its taken about a year or more to feel comfortable just turn on the computer for the sake of video games... just to get started again.
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So; this is all good;
However, this indicates my level of connection with society....
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IN THE PAST;
In high school; You have a football field; you have football players and cheerleaders; popular people; and so on; I do not fit in with them. I fit in with the people in the library... GOd has told me; Im a library person with the intellectual introverts in the library... Thats where my people are; to start with.
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However; in my case; those aren't even my tribe... My tribe is still lower. I can hardly go outside and make any connective sense out of anything.... So; my tribe is going to be very sensitive...
Im on state help; I can hardly function as it is...
So; what kind of friends will I have? What kind of girlfriends will I have? All social stuff would have to be of a different nature... or more sensitive group of broken people. Who would they be... who would those people be; Ill have to work with God on who they are.. I dont know... I know who they aren't....
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So; On the football field are cheerleaders; No Thanks! I mean; the inner person of those people may be very dangerous for me to interact with; they are not safe people for someone like me... And they are not looking for someone like me... It would be a big mistake for me to accidently associate with someone like that and get used to it as if they were safe; because deep down inside they are not safe nor are they with me. I am not their kind of person... I require a much safer kind of person with more respect for internal self and inner child spirituality... Sensitive spiritual people; but also people so broken through trauma they cant function around others; barely... So; what tribe is that; I mean; who would God bring me in contact with. I dont know.
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As for a girlfriend; She would have to be like me I think... I think; I dont know; but I would have to work with God to find my tribe... Ask God who is my tribe...and go from there... I want to be around people that understand me right from the start... Understand the sensitivities of the way I think. For example. If Im around serious artists; We kind of understand each other..... our sensitivities as artists relative to the rest of the world. Im looking for the same kind of people when it comes to friendships and dating; the kind of decent proper types I feel safe with; those with respect for the ways and things I respect...
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So; my condition puts me way under the average; Its at a much different level. ITs like someone in special education; but because of trauma; not intellectual problems; trauma problems; its like a special people who have been broken... who stopped being able to function in the world because of it. So; my group of people are those people... THey are about as far away from the football field as one can get... or anyone on the football field...
The point is; im trying to make a point.
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I think the art community is part of it; but not; My problem is being dismantled as a human being and here I am now; who do I associate with.
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WOMEN AND DATING;
The real problem Ive had with dating is; I have no one Im interested in! Im not around anyone I respect... I dont see any value in most of the people I associate with concerning someone I would date; they dont have any of my sensitive qualities and I doubt they could see any of my attributes or respect them or value them; Thats what Im saying; Most people would discard me... thats what Im saying; Im a deep introvert and most people see nothing but face value... Thats been my experience.
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Ill work with God; I feel like I fit in with a special kind of sensitive people; and Ill have to work with God on where they might be... WHo they might be.
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I remember when young dealing with some kids that were introverts but wealthy; I had absolutely nothing in common with these people; they were dangerous spoiled monsters; lairs; they could care less. they were not my friends; they would fake people out; use them; so they are not anyone to ever bring near me... So; those are not the people Im talking about...
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WHere would I find the kind of faithful sensitive people Im talking about; People that would appreciate me for who I am... see me for who I am... WHere are they; Ill work with God on this...
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So; it looks like Im kind of back working with God on my tribe; finding my tribe; that would suggest I have an acceptance of the past and Ive moved on into the present; the problem is; Im right at the beginning of the present...
So; Im learning how to take steps in the present slowly in my imagination...
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Im learning about the idea of tribe. And looking back at High school; before after; futile times I spent in college; I was never present; I was fully dissociated from reality; I look back now and go; where is my tribe; who were they; are they... what can I say about them.
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MY TRIBE
1. Sensitive people; really sensitive quite introverted people; covert? hidden maybe; decent sensitive; nice gentle caring... artist types?
3. Broken types; those who have been slain in life who no longer want it; or are of a very gentle decent kind of wisdimic people... decent; respectable; sensitive; Peace... Peace makers; sensitive but with depth; lots of it; Intellect; sure maybe... but spiritual people; not so much have to be high or low IQ; just nice people. Is this making sense... decent people.
4. THese are not the kind of people who walk over people to get what they want; they dont walk over anyone... I guess...
5. Intellectual introverts.. but not snobish spoiled popular rich introverts; or well to do rich kids. Im not suggesting nice people dont come from those backgrounds; Im suggesting a segment of ruthless sociopathic like people who think they are superior to everyone do; a consistent group; it does exist; Ive met them unfortunately; Ive met those people and they are a specific segment culture of wealthy children that are dangerous to the rest of society... They are not the type to ever associate with; they use everyone because they believe they are truly superior... certainly those are not the types to associate with.. nor do I want anyone like that around me; 2 faced monsters... They use people groom them and discard them... very dangerous people. They are Liars... They will lead me on completely and then pull the rug out from underneath me; where Im destroyed; they are a form of criminal as my experience has found...
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6. Ive met numerous women who think Im inferior to them.. its as if they look me over; see nothing of value or importance and leave... The truth is; I have no interest in them because they dont see worth in anything. And once I establish this awareness; I stay quite; I dont get involved with them. Ive had many of them mistake me for being bashful and weak; claiming that is why I dont associate with them... but that is not true. Im not interested in wasting my time with people who dont see me. If a person cannot see the difference between a mound of dirt and a 5 pound brick of gold; Im not interested..
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What happens when most of the people around me see no value; What happens when most if not all the women see no worth in dating me; and most of the men see I have no money or Im not at everyone's house watching the Football game. its like Im outside the social realm... im not married; and I have very little.
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So; who do I have as a best friend and who do I date and marry....
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Ive never met anyone that wanted to be my friend; not to many; not for the right reasons; certainly no one of a best friend quality. I might have been fooled I thought I met someone of a best friend quality only to find out; they never met me; I met them. And as soon as I left; I would never hear from them again ever; as if I had never met them; later to realize they despised me and had no respect for me trying to make me out to be a worthless no good person. When in reality; Im a person of sensitive great quality; I mean the whole thing is ridiculous; This society is ridiculous; spoiled is what I would call it; these societies...
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Ive had no one interested in me for dating; No one. Once; a girl was interested only because she thought I had money. When she realized the money was coming from a relative and It wasnt mine; and I didnt function; all stopped. I was laughed at and walked away from. THis person had no depth; truly no depth; nothing... I mean; Ive had no one interested in me! Not ME; the real me; the person me! Nothing; I find this society bizarre...
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Ive been horrified by society and the people in it; Im not just made sick to my stomach by them; Im completely horrified... I have more respect for the psychopathic murder'rs in state jails and prisons than the general public... And for good reason!
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Ive not met any women I want to date; No one... Forget about looks; Im not talking about looks; Im talking about basic decency...
IVe not met very few people I feel safe around; Ive not met any women that are safe; I never have... Never! Im beguiled by this deception. Im defeated; nothing has defeated me more within the realm of relationships. Ill have to work with God on this one. Ive thought many times the Bible describing a young wife.. I think its in proverbs or Ecclesiastes; I feel the Bible lied. Ive never found such things in the real world ever! No opportunity laid itself at my feet of this nature ever. Never would I be able to qualify to be this kind of man at any age that it seems women are looking for; impossible... Most of the men that may appear like this are thugs and nothing more... they are people close to being in jails or in n out of jails. No character; no decency; nothing! I want nothing to do with these thugs or the women they date; but its getting to the point that it seems; thats all their is anymore...
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Im not the only one who feels this way...
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It sounds like no one has liked me; but no one of any quality; human quality has liked me... Not the type of values I have... So; GOd; where is my tribe.
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I dont know the type of people Im suppose to associate with. Being around people that do not see my worth when worth is present; this leaves me in a confused stuper of a frustrated state.
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So; if I give up my human qualities; become a liar; deceptive; think Im God and only hang around others who think they are GOd; Will that get me a date; but a date with whom... I mean... How sickening is the place going to get!
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I can work with the universe on this; Nothing makes any sense concerning this issue...
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What does make sense; God knows the tribe I am suppose to come from and find. Its a special tribe of hidden quality people that live between the walls; these are unheard people. THese are peaceful people of a deeper higher nature... kind people... nice people. These are nice people; polite; sensitive people; people of quality... I would assume people who are smart enough to believe In God knowing theirs nothing to believe in on earth.
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I have a tribe of people to associate with if God will find them for me and direct me....
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Ive tried other groups; Im of the opposite of what these other groups believe in or want... Its been this way all my life! So; Now; Im asking God for help with all of this...
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