June 2025
May 2025
New blog;
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Abandonment issues by mother and father…
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So; Mother and father are going to abandon me in the 5th grade; permanently; for all practical sake…
Before this; Its minimal contact; Im actually having to take care of myself most of the time completely alone accept what ever friends I meet outside the family system. Im getting clothed and basically fed...
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Fake friends;
Unfortunately; Those people will not appreciate my presence as I thought they would… I meant nothing to them and I gather they never wanted me in their homes to start with. I didn’t know; I was just looking for a friend. I was a child; and I wanted to be friends with their son at the time; It was made clear to me years later; they never thought me good enough to associate with their son; they considered me white trash… Stunned; I had no idea anyone would sit around and think about such nonsense. In the end; they were snobbish stuck up people; no one to ever be friends with; I had to learn the hard-way.
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I never developed in grade school. I wanted to; and assumed my mother and father would help me at some point; For some reason they didn’t yet; but they would; In the end; they never would; By the 4th grade; real problems are occurring. To my shock; my mother must have been receiving notes or letters or communication from the school concerning my low status of grades and participation; However; it was never followed through to me; ever. I received nothing from my parents concerning school system… My parents never helped me because they never planned on it…
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5th grade; thrown away. For that year of neglect; everything changes; No one cares about me or what happened to me; I go into PTSD shock… I will never come out of it; and I'm totaled; totally dissociated from reality; Im not functioning anymore.
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And I wont ever be functioning in reality again; and things will now get much worse; much much worse… horrifyingly worse and Ill go through horrific bad things that will scar me and make me dysfunctional for the rest of my life.
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At times; opportunities appeared to be a good choice. Unfortunately; when I thought I had escaped; it was just more of the same…
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I will attempt at times to escape to other families homes; houses.. I will try to believe Im wanted; when in reality; no one wanted me and the occupants of the homes; I meant nothing to them… They wished they had never met me/ they wished I was dead. And that means; from the beginning; they wished they had never laid eyes on me; I meant nothing to them…. They never asked to know me or meet me. In fact; in many cases; I was brought to someones house; I was associating with the people invited to the house; Thus; I just went along; While their I met the occupants of the house and in my needy state; I stayed way beyond my welcome. And in a real sense; I was asked to leave and never return. I was not liked or wanted in those places; That would be a shock to me; One more group of people who thought I was not worth even knowing… However; I was introduced by un- safe un-stable people; some people lied; acted as if I had been invited and asked me to come over and join them; In reality those liars set me up. No one asked these liars to come and pick me up and take me to someone's home. Those in their homes were not curious about me… No one was curious about me nor wanted to know me; meet me; It was lie. The people that lied were half stoned and drunk and sociopaths.. So; it was a huge let down for me when I realized I had been trying to take interest in people who never really wanted anything to do with me; didnt want me around in the first place; When I found this out; I was broken hearted and just kind a left and never returned. Am I making my point here. I was never asked to join anyone legitimately… I was made a fool of; I just went home and never returned…
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my last functioning days were 4th-and beginning of 5th grade...
I will never function anymore in the school system or work system or in relationships; Im totally destroyed…
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TO THE PRESENT>..
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Im dissociative when it comes to life; relationships work… being around people. Its hard for me to touch anything or be a part of anything. Im a little better.
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I have goals.
I have been able to regain some hobbies and creative callings; Im now learning slowly how to interact with those hobbies and creative callings; its a work in progress; Im very disabled from this kind of thing but it looks like Im making progress very slowly.
GAOLS; As they would apply to me in my present mentally disabled state. Somethings are possible; others not so workable... However these things can adapt to my life;
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Work
Girlfriend
car
House?
Money
Vacations
Hobbies
Callings;
Schooling;
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Im interested in all of these things; as a goal; and Im slowly working toward these type of things for goals.
Im very dissociated…
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After the 5th grade; I stopped all learning in everything; I could not respond or be part of reality… I could not function. I missed everything; including relationships; work., schooling; money hobbies callings…
Ive spent the last few years working on this stuff…
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Ive studied some information on being successful and have applied those concepts to learning how to interact again with people and places and things. And Ive been slowly applying such concepts on a daily basis or at least attempting to develop these concepts on my own.
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My goal is to work toward my goals; have a car; a girlfriend., money.. work; the equivalent of it; and hobbies…
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THE GOAL:
Im starting over; the universe has me back at the beginning of my emotional life; I get to start life over aga. What does this mean; it means doing things right; this time; down a pathway created by God… thats where ill do the manifesting.
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I would like what anyone likes…
For me?
1. Girlfriend
2. family
3. Money
4. Car
5. House?
6. Work
7. Schooling
8. Hobbies
9. Callings
10. Vacations.
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Im somewhere in the middle of all this; Ive made it to a place of having no more past. Im not depending on my past for anything… I don’t have a past anymore for all practical purposes. However; I still have to deal with sexual abuse and other related issues of that time period.
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I have to learn how to manifest the things I want; down the God pathway… that is the only pathway Im interested in.
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So; Ill be working with the laws of attraction and success based information from channels on YouTube concerning success thinking…
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Im much closer to making these things a reality… to coming up to speed.
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I don’t have the maturity for most of these things.
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A large gap resides from my maturity age and the age I would start taking interests in all of my goals.
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I got a young childhood age maturity for most things. And a real gap resides between these realities.
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Its possible to shore up this gap; thats the kind of work Im doing right now… My job right now is to make these goals happen; as many as Im suppose to right now… In a sense; Im slowly learning how to come back to reality from a fantasy based broken life; back to a life grounded with real goals and thus the learning of real concepts on how to work toward those goals; how to develop toward those goals.
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Im getting better; more realistic and wanting to take things like the “CAR” idea; and bring it into my adult reality. Right now; Im stuck back at 7 years old; regressed; so Im trying to get the child in me to come forth and work with the adult so I can be interested in adult things; like cars… That is the generalized goal for everything and the basic problem concerning everything; Ive got an arrested maturity developmental trauma disorder.
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WHATS NEEDED?
Well; Ive got the ability to create new pathways in my imagination and on paper through stories and I can draw out what I want while working with the universe; praying on my knees for what I want and meditation..
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WHAT DO I NEED: I need to be heard and I need a family table with safe people to put it all out there on that table and just sit with it.
Telling others what I want to do and why; kind of makes it real for me.. Brings it back into reality and thats where I want all of this; I wanted it out into reality… When I speak it in reality around others; Im bringing it into reality and then I want to sit with it as my new reality. By doing this everyday; Im getting closer n closer to bringing it all into reality and out of my fantasy child state.
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I don’t need much more then this from people at the present… I need to share where Im at a why every day… I feel connected; To feel connected and part of..
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