July 2025
June 2025
When I complain about the real world; Im talking about INTERVIEWS...
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I never had to do Interviews in my life. I was neglected and thrown away and isolated... I was dissociated from reality from the beginning. and I was rejecting of people to survive from the beginning; just the opposite of interviewing. Opening up to people I learned was putting myself open to bad corrupt people. They were not safe; society was not safe; the world was not safe. But; then what do i do when Im well enough from mental illness/addictions to want something from life.
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From an early age I was in my own world. I was not connected to anything; to the world; nor did I have to be; certainly not from the house or family I lived with when young. In fact; I never saw those people ever. I look back in horror now. I mean I was completely running things alone.
I never saw my big brother; rarely; altho He lived down the hallway in the room to the right.. This; being when I was a kid.. For some reason I thought I would see me later in my life; but that will never happen.
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I never ever saw my parents; hardly. I never saw my father; only " Once in awhile"; I only saw my mother when my father ordered her to see me or to take care of something. It all seemed normal to me. But it wasnt normal.
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I spent most of my early childhood at someone elses house when young. I remember; my parents not calling for me at night; when I was at someone elses house. It seemed Oke to me; but in reality it wasnt Oke...
I remember always eating at these peoples houses.. I would stay the night on the weekends.. Unfortunately; these people did not want me.. there son detested me but never told me; their mother forced them to accept me... I did not know; Its all so sickening; I went to there home because their son had been my friend. It was out of respect and honor that I wanted their son as my friend. THese people did not give me the credit for this. THey kept trying to make me out to be a latchkey kid.. I was a latchkey kid. But that is up to me; not anyone else... That is why I was invited into their home; I was not invited because of friendship. I simply didnt know this; not for years and years. When I later found out they had no respect for me; I left and never returned. its all so sickening.
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It was interesting; it was like I was living a life separate from life. I was living in my own world; my connection to being part of life was through TV. I would watch life on TV and when I grew up; I was going to be a part of what I saw on TV. Thats what I was looking for; the families on TV. I wanted to find them in real life; and when I did; unfortunately; I was unaware they they thought they were better then me. I never factored that into anything... I never thought I would be rejected for not being good enough; that didnt make any sense. But then those type of people that do that are currupt... and I never figured on that either... dealing with that concept.
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What I didn't know; people and children were living like they did on TV; pause; RIGHT NOW! THey were interacting with there parents and others in the school system or in sports or other things. I was convinced these things would happen for me at a later date. What I didn't understand; I would never have anyone to help me connect to reality; I was being or had been thrown away and that was the problem; it was being done to me on purpose; being isolated from.
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Later; Ill go through more abuses that will create more defenses and isolation from social civilization. Further I will become with contact or the need of contact with the world.
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I remember kids I knew in school; They got good grades so they could be part of things; be accepted into things; interviews.. they would be interviewed by others and they had something to contribute; and this will get more important as they grow older; it will not become more important to me; I will become more estranged. I will be excluded from reality; and more n more no Interviews in life for me. I will become so disabled from life; others will have to do the interviewing and intervening on my behalf. At some point; I wont be present anymore.
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Being rejected by my parents over n over or ignored; this was my response to dealing with society... My response was AVPD; or dissociation.
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NORMAL LIVING FOR OTHERS?: NOT FOR ME: THERE WOULD BE NO NORMAL FOR ME!
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So; people are taught from an early age to interview with each other if they want something; When they meet new friends; when they meet someone's parents; when they meet teachers; when they take tests; when they meet the neighbors... ITs all kind of an interview; someone is interviewing them; checking them out; Its an introduction... A constant introduction socially speaking; an introduction to life. For me; Its a constant connection introducing myself; who I am; what I can contribute; an interview of how I can fit in.
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WHAT IS WORK? Its a giant interview of who I am and what I can contribute.
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What is a relationship; With an intimate relationship or romantic relationship; Its a set of interviews with requirements... Meaning; I have to communicate something; How I feel about someone. Im interviewing them; or they are interviewing me; that is the connective technique... it takes guts; its not easy; its a requirement. It has to be done. And those serious about relationships have to learn how to participate in this part of life the best they can...
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I never had to survive interviewing anything. I missed the hundreds and hundreds of interviews. The idea; " THis is who I am and this is how I can help you; this is what I have to contribute to you". I missed all of this; in the work world and the personal world.
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NOTE; I blamed others; I started to blame others and thus missed this whole part of the requirement of life. Now I understand I must learn how to participate in this process because Im missing out...
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I was tripped up or damaged. I could not step out and learn it for myself; I shut down believing no one loved me or cared about me... including society; any part of it.
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When I did try to escape and be free; I was abused or shut down or so completely discarded; I had nothing; I was so immature; I was like a neglected 5 year old who could not live on his own. I could not go out into the real world..
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I was never part of the Interviewing process; where I would go to school and get good grades and be part of things; and interview with others for relationships and jobs. I never learned how; I also never learned how to open up and feel or feel safe.
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NOTE: TOday I want to do these things for myself; Not for anyone else. I love myself enough or like myself enough or believe in my position in life enough. I am worth it; I am sane enough; I want to do these things for myself.. I am missing out and I want what the world has to offer me. I mean; What God wants to send me from above... Im still in the world. I still have to learn how to interreact with it. I want it for myself. Im worth it! I mean of course.
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It was never safe to interview others or be interviewed. I was so used to be rejected; attacked ignored as if I didnt exist. I did not want more of that and I wasnt going to allow this society to do more of that.
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I tried to make friends; no one wanted me. I was not attractive to anyone. No one appreciated me. No one valued me as a person.
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DATING: GIRLFRIENDS> No one was interested..
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It was like I was from another planet. I did not come from anything; or anyone. I was not part of society; I was from my own society; my own world.
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So; I never had to be part of the interviewing system to have girlfriends; their wont be any girlfriends. The few amount of girls I tried to get close to; when they found out I was not part of society or their society or world; I was discarded immediately. I was not accepted; I was rejected or discarded... It was like I was around a bunch of snobs that treated me like I was wasnt there; wasnt real; it was worse then not being good enough. I wasnt accepted; I was detested. No one had to like me! I was of no value to anyone.
Others had their system; the world and neighborhood they lived in. they fit into it; I did not.
No one wanted a guy like me that didnt fit into anything. I was not part of anything; I was made fun of... thrown away or never even got started with anyone.
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As for girlfriends; I could not respond to them; I could not respond to girls that liked me. I felt that once they found out I was not really part of anything in life; they would reject me; and thats exactly what happened. I felt if they knew the real me they would find out I wasnt part of their neighborhood. And find out they were never looking for anyone like me.
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However; I never really gave them a chance. I never properly introduced myself and never interviewed them; I never explained who I was and offered myself to them as is; explaining the good parts of myself; the good side of myself. I never did this; Nothing scared me more then exposing who I really am just to be rejected by another human being or humiliated by another human being over n over n over. I had already been rejected 10000000000 times in one form or another in this life.. or ignored. And later used s a scapegoat.
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This whole process of interviewing with others was non existent and non developed; And without this; I could not have any contact with others. THe same can be said for any work I would do. I would not be part of anything with others without some kind of introduction to others.. I would never be able to be part of an interview so I never got the job.
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How would I have a date; unless I was introduced to someone; and they had an idea of who I am. I would have to show them who I am. I would have to interview them and properly so; to make some kind of impression.
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NOTE: One of the problems I had. I could fake the interview; act like someone Im not. But when that all came crumbling down; I never gave anyone a chance to see the real me and let them decide if they wanted to be a part of it. And I made sure I was never around the right people. That way I could never be rejected by the right people.. However, that also means; Im always around the wrong people getting know where.
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Showing people who I am is the problem; but how could I have a date without it. I never had to do the hard work of presenting myself to people; to anyone for any reason.
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I used to think I was somehow spoiled; now I realized I was completely isolated and dissociated from reality. its almost like I lived a schizophrenic life. That's exactly what happened.
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What is missing from my life; The ability to interview; that process... to meet someone; show them who I am and what I want and what I can do for them. I need to be strengthened in the interviewing process.
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Ive had several women wait for me to ask them out; in a sense; thats an interview; I telling them how I feel about them and the situation between us; and what I want; Im offering something in the interview... Im offering myself to them; for them to be around me; but this cant happen unless I learn how to do this. I learn how to put myself on that edge.. and tell them who I am and what I want.
I was not elusive and mysterious; I was mentally ill and couldnt function; I had nothing under the vail. Behind the iron curtain was nothing. I had nothing. I was afraid of being found out I was a fraud. But I also realized; If I dont start telling people Im a fraud who wants a better life; Im not going to get anywhere. I never gave someone a chance... The universe opened up to me that maybe they had offered me many chances for me to open up so I could ask them for a chance; but I shut the door on it; and finally they shut the door on me and moved on. Fair enough!
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When a person goes to college and gets good grades; they are preparing themselves for that interview with a future company or business. They want to present themselves for the best fit. They want the best light shined on them.. THey want to show they are a great fit for the other perspectives.. They want as much going for them on their side as possible.
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I did not have to do any of this in the real world; I did not have to work or be in relationships to survive. At least not at any normal level.
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I never met a girl I actually told the truth to... Meaning; I never met someone I actually really liked; stood up for myself and interviewed her; telling her who I really am and that I wanted a chance to be with her because I wanted her and I wanted a chance to prove myself with her. I never did this kind of interviewing with someone; scares the complete daylights out of me... Thus; I was never with any girlfriends. And I never met any girlfriend. ANd I never met any girlfriend I liked. I was never with the right group of people. I never felt I had a chance with anyone group; no one would accept me as I was.
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So; This ability to meet the right women is part of the deal; the other part is the interview; I never had the courage for standing up in a interview with potential prospect for my future. I avoided it. thus; I never learned the hard work of being independent and standing up for what I wanted and learned on my own to have something for myself by going out and interviewing people for what I wanted.
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In all reality; how is anyone suppose to know I like them unless I can communicate I liked them... I could not do this. However, I had a great excuse why. I had been rejected 1000000000 times brutally for being myself when young; I was excluded and thrown away over n over n over.
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NOTE: the main problem; I never cared about being part of this rotten society. I wanted nothing to do with it; but what then? I mean; at some point; I had no no life and no connection to society; What then; do I die. Is that what I wanted. I had no problem dying. I mean; OKE; Ill die. But is that want I wanted.. I was willing to die; regardless of how uncomfortable that is; is that what I wanted; NO! Fair enough; Now; what do I do?
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To walk up to a women and try to interview her for the job of being her boyfriend? THis was just one more chance taking nightmare of being rejected or dejected one more time by people I was forced to open up to to be part of society. So; I had no character for this; because it took real character on my part; this is the kind of thing that takes real courage for me... I could be rejected at the core... However, if i want what this has to offer; I have to tuffn up... and learn that I want something; I have to go after it. If I want to be good at the something; I have to want it bad enough...
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Desperation leads me on.
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My attitude has changed. No one is victimizing me because I have to ask them for what I want or to independently have to interview with others to get what I want; their is no other way! And their is no other way for them. Its an opportunity!
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To my shock; I look back and find women who were interviewing me and kept trying to get me to act socially acceptable by interviewing them correctly; to move me along to tell them how I felt about them; finally after futility set in on their part; after months; they wanted me gone... I would not respond to them and they got tired of it.
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Maybe I didnt respond to them because they were shallow; or they were spoiled. But regardless; if I wanted something from them; I would have to learn how to have the courage to stand up for what I wanted and confront them for what i wanted; telling them how I felt about them and what I wanted. I would have to ask them for what I wanted; and this would make me vulnerable.
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In reality; I could not do this because I did not want the rejection because I had gone through to much rejection 2 many times...
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Whos fault is this? Its certainly not the girls fault in front of me. She has no choice; she lives under the same system I live; she has to interview me as well.
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Ive found several women who had to interview me where I was rejecting them because i did not want to be faced with this interview where I would have to stand up for myself and ask them for what I wanted.
I had an out; If possible; I could have told them I had a problem showing my intentions and feelings and if they would work with me; not leave; and with time I could learn to tell them how I felt. But I never did this either. I did nothing. Thus; what outcome could come of this; I would get nowhere...
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In many cases; the women did come back to me and give me other chances; I claimed they never did and society did not give me a chance; That is not true... THey did give me chances. I remember; I remember because the universe came into my mind and allowed me to remember.
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I was thought about and loved or someone honestly was interested in showing me that I was worth having in their experience. I remember now.
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So; Just like someone who goes to college; gets good grades; goes for an interview at a business; wanting a good interview; so they can hook up with the business; be part of the business; I have to learn how to do the same thing for myself; for my life. Its about opportunities. I work with God on all things; the universe.
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I used to say I was slave because I was being put into that interviewing situation; but what other situation is their...? I mean. I have to walk up to someone and let them know what I want because they can decide one way or the other...
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So; this idea of taking respond-ability for this concept of interviewing in life; This is up to me; It takes a certain amount of courage and training and tuffness to do this. its like saying; no one owes me anything; im on my own; Im going to dress up and look the best I can for the interview I want to impress the most. I have to do this... No one owes me anything.
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I claim the world is a corrupt place; Maybe; but I dont really care about that; I really care about finding those people and places and things I fit into... And was to scared of being rejected by what I wanted... what I really wanted. But then; I never would try. So I never really found out in the real world.
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I never found anything or anyone I wanted to interview... I never wanted to be part of anything. I never wanted anyone. But then; I never went to higher frequencies to find something I did want... And that is the crime of it.
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So; I work with God to have God bring me what or whom Im suppose to be part of. But that wont do my any good if I cant take a chance and tell someone who I am and what I want. If I cant tell a women Im interested in her; how Im I going to get a date with her. I mean... At some point I claim I dont want anything; but that is not true... Im just never willing to take any respond-ability for what I want.
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If I never tell her I want to be part of her life; how is she ever going to be part of my life.
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I mean; I have to learn how to be interviewed. I mean; I claim no one owes me anything; thus; I have to learn how to get good at interviewing people for what I want. And their it all is. I have to learn how to roll the dice and trust God regardless of the answer.
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I mean; in the interviewing process I could be rejected; I have to learn to let it go and work with God and move on until I hit the bullseye; the center of the target.. Until I find my people; who I fit in with; who respect me and look up to me and value me; the kind of community that sees me as something of worth within it... Who or what are they... where are they.
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I think Im making my point; I have to learn how to interview people because its part of my life; no one owes me anything; Interviewing is the process of letting others know who I am and what I have to offer them; is their some other way! I mean; NO!~ Ill have to get used to it. Do I value the opportunity... I can talk to the universe GOd about this. if I want something more for my life; How do I get it? I can talk to God about this...
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It sucks; it scares me to be under someone's lash or control. to be accepted or rejected based on how I present myself; that sounds like allot of power given to the other person; but hey; what other type of system is their. I mean; for those not spoiled; this is something they have to learn to live according. If Im around people that Im always their second choice; I need to work with God be about people where Im their first choice.
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Some people have to work and some have to be in relationships and thats how its done; its done through interviews with others... Why would it be any different for me if I want what everyone else wants. Ill just have to learn how to do this thing... and stop bitching about it.
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And Ive mentioned; The universe has made it clear; other people of my past were having to interview me to see if I would accept them; they took lots of chances with me to put themselves in situations to show they were giving me chances so I could love them and respond to them.
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NOTE: I always felt like someone's second choice. I wanted nothing to do with them.
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I messed up in the interviewing process with those people. The problem is; I never responded to them and told them I was interested in them and I saw them and valued them but was dysfunctional in the interview process and the immediacy that is required to give in take and express myself. I did not show them I was interested in them. And because of that; I lost them. And that is no fault of there's.. I mean; everyone has to pull their weight at something at some point. If I cant pull my weight but i like the other person; someone has to tell them or their will be no hook up...
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I have to learn to tell them or there will be no hook up. The problem is; its one of the hardest things in the world for me to do concerning the abuse I went through when young for ever opening up to others...
I may have to explain that to others Im interested in.
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NOTE: Heres the deal; I have to practice telling people; learning to tell them and follow through. I have to tell them or their will be no hookup. In this case; im talking about practicing strengthening the process. I dont have any other choice... Im just a regular guy in life; I have to work just like everyone else... its not given to me; I have to earn it. I have to work with God on how this can be possible; but ill be doing the work. I never appreciated the work. Having the opportunity to do the work; but I always wanted the reward of the hard work; to be looked at as the super star...
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ILL CHOOSE NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN THE RIGHT PEOPLE: THUS: I WONT EVER HAVE TO FACE THE INTERVIEW FOR ACCEPTANCE OR REJECTION OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH THEM...
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AVPD; Avoidance Personality Disorder. This condition AVPD speaks loudest of my problems concerning interviewing people for what I want.
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NOTE: at some point I will have to have the character built to participate in the process of asking for what I want. I sat around and acted like it was all just going to be given to me and I didnt have to ask for it or work for it. I have to work for it... and ask God to help with this process.
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I made sure I never interviewed the right people; thus; I would never have to deal with rejection from the right people. THe problem is; I would never end up with any people in any kind of relationship.
What kind of relationships did I end up in; I ended up in relationships with all the wrong people... More pain; more hurt; more narcissists; thats all it was. IF I wanted something better; I certainly never went after it.
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I never went after what I wanted; and I will pay for it. I have to go after what I want; and or ask God to bring it to me; but if God brings it to me; I still have to confront it and open up to it and get vulnerable in front of the subject of interest. I have to; there's no other choice; Im still working for it; and have to have character to obtain it and to receive it. It takes character to receive something as much as it does to work for something. ITs just as complex and hard to receive something. For me; the damage is in the receiving process and the working process.
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Getting vulnerable in front of the subject of interest; And their it is. And if I want something from this life; I have to accept the world does not revolve around me I revolve around it; This is a requirement of life; That if I want something from someone; Ill have to let them know! I have to work for it. This part of the interviewing process is not going away; this is how human beings interact with each other.
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So; Ill work with God on all this. If I want something bad enough; ill work on dissociation problems; Ill work on AVPD problems... I have to develop into someone that can be part of my own interviewing process with others... so I can participate in such things.
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I have to work for it. If I cant start out at that level; I talk to God to find out where I can start out. Maybe prayer is where one starts out.. Or just hiding in their bed. But I must do something... I must admit I want something. I must at least reach out to the universe...
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