July 2025
June 2025
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As I process out old relationships that did not work; I see a pattern. In the past I am opening up correctly at first; I have a good purpose; I want a real friend. I want them for life long best friends and for a wife who would be my soulmate best friend. I would like guy friends that are close like brothers...
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Dysfunction occurred; I was making friends with people who were not my friends; never wanted to be my friends so no reason to have me as a friend; saw no value in me to be friends with; did not want to be friends with me... had secret contempt and disrespect for me and my kind... THe human kind.
I found I was trying to become friends with the wrong people. Ive already switched over to Gods kingings and pathways for new friendship concepts... So; Ill be working down that pathway... learning to work directly with God manifesting what I want. It will be allot of work and its going to hurt; I can feel it; the stretch of trusting God and working so closely with God; Kind of freaks me out...
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I wont perform perfectly for a while. I mean; Im going to make massive mistakes for a long while I think... as I venture into the real world and learn how to have relationships again with the right people and if I get caught with the wrong people; letting them go and handling that like and adult and moving on... I have support so... Ill keep working with God on this.
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.First Love; Noticing something interesting at this point. Im noticing the processing and security of processing what happened. Its painful but not quite as scary. I feel more secure and it feels more like Teenage years... Like I had nothing to process with; no one to process anything with. And I didnt. I was purposely put through a situation where I would be alone with no way to process anything; I would be pulled from my surroundings when young on purpose and then put through frightened terrorizing things alone. I was permanently thrown away from 9 years old on.
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What Im going through now is helping but strange. I almost am starting to feel like I come from a family; a normal family or belong to a family and Im processing these things Ive gone through; Like a first love from up the street and I have a place to report on it and to get over it.
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I feel very much like a 15 year old getting over a first crush kind of thing. It was 100 time that. But with this strange secure feeling the universe is bringing over me. I feel loved and taken care of at a deep deep level from the communities I process with; I feel this warmth; like Im part of things. I feels like Ive got a group of friends and family and Im telling all of them what happened and Im slowly getting over my adventures; and Im a teenager.
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Not all of this;
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Sexual abuse is another hideous animal. Im not sure how the universe is going to handle that one; More therapy. I don't know.
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However; with God and hobbies and meetings and friends from the meetings and feeling like I fit in and can show up everyday... I feel apart of.... \
It looks like I am meeting new people and growing forward... just like a teenager going through 9th -12th grade. I feel like Im in the 9th grade...
The adolescents years before that; Ive almost touched on those; but much more work must be done on all of those; from 5th grade through 8th grade. I was completely shut off thrown away discarded; in a state of complete freeze mode shock...
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So; Ill keep praying for more family members to be created by God for me to feel a part of. Its happening. Im feeling apart of; I can feel the warmth... I can feel the strength of getting over over things. Or; I can see and feel the hope of it!
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I think the key is to keep praying and writing stories as if I have those new safe families and connections from the universe; God/Universe created.. All coming toward me for me. All safe. Safe places to keep sharing my feelings where Im at... Write stories about being part of things as if they are already here; as if they are already here...
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I can feel it. God is doing many things for me.
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I would be really great to get over my FIRST LOVE: and to put it behind me as nothing more than a teenage year growing experience that was supposed to be processed and over with by a family when it occurred. And have it have no more value in my present life; meaning; it gets processed and over with... and all the power is gone and those who caused such damage or not bothered with again... The power is let out of this situation... completely; and Ive worked through it... and moved on... moved back into the human race again. God has moved me back into the human race; the human experience again.
We will see how the universe helps me with this.
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