June 2025
May 2025
Its early morning; I had things to write from yesterday; Ill try to remember each thing.
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At a meeting;
90 meetings; 90 days; This concerns my car; getting a car...
The goal: teen age viewpoint emotionally speaking to adult view of attracting a car. Also; working with the universe; co creating with the universe to attract what is needed to purchase the car; including visualization ability... and keeping it up. Not throwing it away because the younger part of me wants to go home or be at home in my childhood home...
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Childhood home;
Everything is about this; being uprooted from my childhood home and life on purpose; completely destroyed.
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The major problem is; I become dis jointed emotionally; dis enfranchised. Dislocated from self. I was ruptured and in that state of catatonic shock; never came out of it; just starting to address it now; just little by little. As the child comes out in me slowly; just little bit; he only knows his backyard of his house and wants to know where it is... And if its not there; he goes back inside into shock. But today Im stronger; and can carry the child within me; inner self within me... taking. care of him.
Most of my work is to go beyond the emotional state of growth where I was pulled out of my house; and re learning and everything to expand to a point of being more present; I have no idea what to expect. All of my memories go as far as grade school and that is all. I was so innocent... And then I'm here now attempting to manifest a car. I mean; its like being split in 2. 2 different people; 2 different worlds...
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The outside world doesnt exist for me or I dont fit into it.
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Ive hidden in 12 step meetings to some how learn how to heal just a little from the rupturing of my childhood. Other then that I have no idea...
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Im trusting and following God.
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The right now is adulthood; that more disciplined position for dealing with things like getting a car... couldnt say it any better.
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The 12 step groups have so many psychopaths these days and sociopaths and narcissists... Enough to make it almost impossible.. Its not safe anymore...
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Things that are changing;
My Art; I go to this place; I call it the rousseau corner; Its an area by the coffee shop; this down town 1 block street has been blocked off; this happening because of covid. People could not eat inside and then masks as well. So; outside on the street; yellow chairs and umbrellas and table put up and cool jungle like flower arrangements in big street boxes all in a row as hedge dividers.. Anyway; looks like a pleasant European street from the sixties where patrons of culture gathered. and its a wonderful little street for the same purpose. Altho people can now go into the restaurants and such along the street; the street remains blocked off for good... Great. God brought me their to create art.
At first; the first time sitting at the Rousseau corner; 20 minutes is all I could take. Now; after a few weeks; I visited that place 3 times in one day. If I can do this 6 times in one day; this would prove Im able to handle being present enough to take a more solid serious attempt at art.
that means; putting my heart out first. loving what Im doing and doing it; creating art and then putting on someones walls. Ive been working toward become present for this for a long time; well; that is not true; ive been on my knees to God for a long time concerning this; praying. And God is breaking through and creating all of this for me and the desire and all things... So; More work and I might just feel safe enough to put my heart out for this and get into it again... its been a life time... dont know; I will keep things posted concerning it.
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Women;
Went MGTOW for a while. Red Pill.
Sowly pulled away from women; just kind of fell out for a long while; hit the bottom of what I was going through; got allot of help that the universe brought. Then; slowly; Some of the women I was thinking bout; I found myself attracted to going to places and these women suddenly should up... And came over and gave me hugs and I got their phone number right then before the conversation took off... What does that mean. just means Ill get laid if I want it.
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So; women are showing up.
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My personality is very defensive and that has to change. I have to become more interactive in order to meet more women.
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Long term relationships; Ill keep working with God on this; Im sure as this pathway unfolds; lots of things and experiences will happen that will lead to the life Im interested in. I need experience. But Im sure I will get it.
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Letting go of the past; I get lots of flashbacks and confusion. For when I was young; I liked the thoughts I had of some people. However, later; these people betrayed me and I know longer wanted to view them with any kind of friendliness or value; I wanted nothing to do with them; they were frauds and liars and sociopaths. I was being completely fooled. I never knew. I had no simply no idea; not only about the friends but about their families; I had no idea. Or about the parents; did not know; nothing I could have done about it when young; as a child. no reason to even go their. But later; I had to get out; and I was heart broken and destroyed. But know; Now I know better. and Im lucky; many who go through this never make it beyond the mountain top and realize what they have been in... they never would understand the evil they had walked into. I did with Gods help and I walked out a lonely road; but the only road that could be taken... And here I am now.
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So; Im attempting to work with God to put a new life together. Im slowly letting it all form at the base.. Its a very very beginning but ive had allot of years of protection and personal building to build a foundation. Will this be enough; I dont know. Im now learning about building a foundation in the real world; allow God to attract to me the things I wish for.. im learning about faith.
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money; this is another blocked issue. So; im working with god to bring this concept into the adult view of things.
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