July 2025
June 2025
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New things occurring;
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Broke through with art; Ive done 3 hours strait… outside at the river camping boating swimming area watching the people and boats; with my art materials at the table. And 3 hours; I created 2 squares; and worked on them hard for 3 hours. This is commitment; sacrifice… Determination… Dedication… This is exactly how Artist work; scratching; pounding ripping bending grinding leveling and then adding more paint; keep intuitively searching on canvas or paper canvas for what they are trying to uncover.
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This ability to create for 3 hours strait; And the location was important; This ability to create for three hours strait is the second part needed In my Art experience; Im starting to own it; and I did it today… It means Im alive and living;. Its a start; it felt great… felt so expressive and whole and complete as I was looking at the boats…
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The third level is getting into Art all day long and creating Art in a sacrifice and commitment and dedication; Its a complete commitment. Its developed back into this concept within life…
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Not yet.
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Im talking to women more n more; not afraid as much; but Ill work with God on it; the women Im talking to may not be that safe… Laugh! They are most unsafe psychopaths youve ever met.. But those are the people God put me with to practice… Kind of a mix of unsafe and totally safe.. They are not a the high reaches of society… Its not like any of them can really do much damage to my name; On the other hand they are all criminal and do much damage if they wanted to of other natures… Im getting better tho…
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Im showing signs of working with others to be responsible in situation; almost like manager of my life… SO Im learning how to manage life; Under God!
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Maturity development and awareness…
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Im getting to the point of asking; What do I want to do with my present life; Ill talk to God about it.
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Ive spent half my life trying to get over the other half. Im not sure Ive built the maturity I need; its still flooded with trauma from bad people who took advantage of me; So Im blocked; but here I am. Im wondering whats next. And Im Becoming unblocked…
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I feel like Im interested in the same thing I was interested in at age 14. Im not sure…
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So; Ive got this big push to open up my maturity to build a bigger perception of life… Im at that point kind of; its a deeper feelings.
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THE BEGINNING:
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I think Im a King; However; when I begin to sober up in the recovery process; sober up from life problems; CPTSD AVPD Dissociation; Delusional-ism at this point; When younger Drugs n alcohol were in the mix; but since recovery all of that has stopped; Thank God. Suddenly When I ask God to wake me up; I end up in the recovery process. I end up in recovery meetings; therapists and so on…. Im in recovery process…
After awhile I began to move down the Pride delusion scale. In my delusion I think Im a King; Then I think Im a Prince; Then I think Im a Joker; Then I think Im a Baron; Then I think Im a assistant to the royal family; Then I think Im a cousin to the royal family; Then I think Im in a high level in the church; Then a smaller position in the church; Then a basic level in the church of royalty… Then I see myself as a Knight.. And then a worker in the towns shops; Finally I see myself as unemployed in the village; finally I see myself as homeless in the village. And as I wake up; I realize suddenly; Im not in the village; Im outside the village. Finally, I realize Im in the jungle; Im 2 hundred miles away from the village; And I finally wake up.
And I see this has CPTSD PTSD Dissociation from horrible trauma of the past. Sexual abuse and abandonment..
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OKE; So; I realize awake; Im in the jungle. So with Gods help; I start out; Im now moving through the jungle and over the rivers and the hills until Im now finally on the outside of the real village. I have no position in the village; Im on the outside wall of the village; Im now asking to come into the village. As I get closer to the entrance to the village; Im a the entrance; the guards ask me to strip all things from myself and walk into the village stripped of everything accept my clothing.
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So; as I enter the village; I start out with virtually nothing; And the key is; I have a good attitude about it; No one owes me nothing. And I go from there; What are my options; And start out at this beginning point; This includes all things social and cultural; everything. I have to work for what I want; with God on this aspect; At the beginning.
And this is where I have a Pride problem; because; The abuse incurred stopped my development in society and the trauma problems stopped me from ever feeling safe or having a nervous system that can handle any stress; nothing; Im scared of being destroyed… So Im angry about being disabled by the abusers… Because I cant get started in society; Im dissociated and blind; Dissociated disabled.
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So; I start out in this condition of being disabled and not being able to be present or start out in society… However; from the recovery process and Gods help; Universe; Im able to have a better attitude; and belief about being alive. SO; from that Im willing to start out anyway… And Thus I work with God on how to start out. And such I do. .
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Ive worked through many beginning introductions in society; ( and Im looking at society from a safe distance on the outside of it; altho in the village) And many areas; altho being in society; Ive been on the outside of interviews and introductions; Im just viewing society. Not able to step forward yet; and that's OKE.
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At some-point when I start out; I start out as Napoleon Dynamite. However; this is well after introductions with some footings in society. A Gap resides.
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NOTE: Imagine someone in A bar drinking; and thats all they know.. Suddenly they get a spiritual awakening and wake up in the bar; they look around confronted and bewildered; They are sober and wondering how or why they got into a Bar; for what reason… they stop drinking. Now; they cant stay in the bar anymore… They are sober and dry; They just cant. So; they head for the doors; but a strange problem occurs… A phobia continues to increase and grow; the fear the pressure; as they get closer to the doors to leave into the outside world. Finally 10 feet away from the doors; they collapse; They turn into a basket case and must be lifted up and taken to a table to rest gain their composure… My God; they are stuck in the bar; They cant deal with the rush and future shock of the outside world…
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Im at that place Kind off; Im outside the village in many ways looking in… Im in the village just kind of outside the main areas of the main village; Im in the village areas but on the outskirts of the village hanging out looking in asking God what the next move is…
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Or; Im in the village walking; asking God; whats the next move forward or how do I need my Pride reduced so I can start out at something in the village at my beginning level that will help me get started…
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And thats a good place to describe where IM at; ( “so I can start out at something in the village at my beginning level, that will help me get started…” ). So I can start out at something in the village at my beginning level that will help me get started at the base level in the village; so I can start out at something in the village and thus claim; “ hey; Im in the village and Im at a certain place and a certain level ( look at me Im doing well at this base level but I feel good); But at least Im in the village and started in the village; a real start; not fictitious fantasy… ( I want to be in that reality of present).
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Im looking to come out of my dream world; when I do; start in the village building a foundation that would qualify me as actually being somewhere; a place; a physical address in time and space… I say this figuratively; because Im talking about having a different attitude and applying it; an attitude of success. Seeing things in a successful fashion within reality; and working with God; henceforth move forward.
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NOTE: For the reader; “ Am I making myself clear?”. The goal is to mentally sober up from a life of mental illness; trauma horror disappointment while in the recovery process to a point of being able to start over from the beginning at ground level in society. Or; more real would be; Ive never started in society; I got it knocked out of me; and I want to wake up from trauma; realizing I didn’t even get far enough to start any form of relationships; I didn’t even make it to situation-ships… I never even got started; so; for the most part; Im going from watching TV shows when young; to my first incursions out into the real world right now; and because of my mental disabilities; Ill stay in the recovery process as a base; working with God; going to 12 step meetings and any other recovery process In need; Ill slowly learn how to venture out from those places.
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Because of my unique situation of wanting to start out in life; start a new life experience new things; The first reality is; Im mentally disabled; God has to pic specific people and places and things and events and occupational interests that I can safely start out. The other problem is; Ive been knocked out of society all my life; So; Im starting out with no real experience at many things. Ive been in a dissociative nature concerning many things; I've fantasized about many things; Ive watched TV shows on many things; and lived through those shows and my fantasies; and at times used drugs and alcohol to block reality so I could cope with my unreality to many things…. So; God must bring a working model of life to me that I can live.. And thus I can start out learning how live; and thus learn within safe grounds with safe people and safe opportunities.
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Exercise is going well…. Its been 24 days on the bike; 17 in weight loss and on the bike; Im getting used to it a bit; My goal is to give it 12 weeks and go from there… let that be a warm up period…
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Big CHANGES:
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Confidence; The real admitting that Ive been living in a dream world and don’t have any real world experience… Real world experience forces me to learn and or get help and advice on the journys to learn; CONFIDENCE…
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Im at this point now; It hurts SO MUCH! Its that place right on the edge of reality where Im built up where I have an interest desire in obtaining confidence and no fear! I may have fear but having so much needed confidence is the goal; I know how to handle real world… And there it is thats what Im learning; and going to learn more about and Im getting it back… Slowly; I have a process the universe has given me; Ive talked about it in my 12 step groups; Man O man does this hurt; its taking the place of my dissociative dream fantasy world that has kept me safe…
So; this transformation is so painful and uncomfortable and strange… its so strange.
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Im learning the requirements to be in the real world… And confidence is that requirement. And so; the universe is now showing me how to make this transformation… And O MAN IS THIS PAINFUL; My God!~ Its so strange…
I didn’t need confidence in my dream world; I never had to deal with the edge of reality and be able to be strait up and confident in a dream world.
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I want things in reality; SO I need Confidence! Confidence is like Blood to the Body; Money and confidence are the life blood of 2 difference sides of society reality. And working with God; either can be obtained; I believe… I don’t know; accept I do; Ive obtained a little of each; not enough for bragging rights.
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Confidence was completely overran and destroyed; Thats the goal of the abusers; to abuse my pathways…
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Weight loss is about getting down to size 30-31 pants…
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FIRST LOVE:
I met First Love when I was 14; and most of the problem I had with her includes the first few months; The first 6 months of knowing her ; the first 6 months of knowing her… However; it extends…
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The same major issues will occur in 10th grade at the age of 16 dealing with her; However; I hardly saw her if you asked her; but for me I was always thinking about her; She was in my heart; but I was never in hers.. ; And up to Christmas time I will see her and it will end..
The problem was; by that time I had been used or led on or played or Gas Lighted would be a better way of suggesting it… Someone was trying to Ruin me while I thought God had brought me a best friend; I was wrong.
In High School;
To someone like this; they are laughing behind my back as they are trying to fool me everytime they talk to me in the present; They were just scumbag criminals; 2 faced who are trying to destroy people if they can get away with it. Just as much damage was done in 10th grade by this continuous being gas lighted and played. They kept playing me as long as they could get away with it; they saw me as weak; In reality; They are trying to get away with things; thats what criminal immoral minds think like… Im trying to get to the point that I see this simply as people I had no business being around; and that solves it; but when these criminals think they be hooked in to create ruin; they keep playing as long as they think they can get away with it. My goal is to get through all of this; but it now moves from age 14 to 16… Now Im dealing with a different period of it at that time.
So; now; Im attempting to look at that time period of pain..
The goal here is to see this person as an inner predator in covertness… And to see me as a decent person who is associating with the wrong people; and I need to see new safe places for myself.
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One of the points of these writings is to free me of the false fierce loyalty I had for this person because I was trying to rescue them through loving them. Unfortunately this idea was being used against me from someone that I meant nothing to. I was being manipulated for the fun of it; These type of criminals don’t care. The problem is; This is hard to get over; This specific brainwashing; in fact thats what these repeated writings about this person are about; Fierce loyalty for someones personality that really never existed; Im trying to get beyond this one concept. Im not alone in this; Narcissists manipulate people like me; like what happened to me; all day long… I was trying to be a nice human being; I will pay for this.
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The main point I wasn't learning from at the time; I was innocent and just had no idea what was going on; I was hanging around this type of monster in the first place… That is the real problem and the real question.. I had been fooled or was being fooled that this was a human being at first; first glance; first time I met them. I really needed a human being; I thought I had lucked out.
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I still go through this today with some people Iv met that are sociopathic and predatorial or who have signs of psychopathy; I mentioned all the 12 step meetings I go to; At times these types flourish in these place in some fellowships; In n out they create gangs n come n go…
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My goal is to come out from among them from the present and the past; all of them; for this to happen I had to see a clear view of what happened; see the truth and slowly work my way out of it. And thats what Im doing.
However; I need the idea of safe places to go; an alternative…
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WOMEN And DEVELOPMENT:
Talking to a friend today about his development with women and his sons development with women; I sat there shocked; I thought my G-O-d; Its not that I got ill advised concerning women/relationships/growing up; The problem is; I watched television shows up to the 4th-5th grade; and suddenly my life Is over; I have to shut down go into protect mode and survival mode; For the next 5 years of my life; for the rest of my life; Im in protect mode; No development. Its not that I got just ill advised concerning women and relationship and growing up when young. I got NO advised ; Nothing because I experience Thin Air; I experienced nothing!
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I didn’t just get messed up from developing in relationships when young; I got NO development of any kind with young women relationships in those developing years; I went through no experiences during those crucial years of early development;
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What kind of development did my friends have with women and development;
As boys; They were in safe places when young; like school yards or friends houses or church; They slowly meandered around kids their own age; interacting and suddenly finding girls of interest; they fount each other of interest.
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NOTHING! I did not develop anything in these areas during the very very young years one is suppose to socialize.. and become socialized.
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Its so unfortunate that in my early life no women ever saw me; Any women that did; could really care less about me; my development as a person; They just wanted what they wanted right now… They wanted a ready made man who was already what they were thinking about; I was not that person. Im a human being with lots of problems… I realized; I was never meeting depth-ful insightful people with lots of problems; People who had to work on their problems. I met no one like this; nothing!
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Getting my young life back;
I have to first take back those years from the abusers and rescue myself from those abusers clutches; They still control me; and I would do this with Gods help; I need to be in control of those young years of my life… Once getting those years back; I can work on them… However; I have to get them back.
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FIRST LOVE: REALITY
First Love; is extremely important to my story; I first claimed she was to be my wife; this is not correct. I was living in some kind of dream world.
Next; I claim she was a monster; she probably is; was; I was being played; and so on… She was a sociopath; I imagine so… I meant nothing to her; fair enough… And all of this is a real problem… I put all my eggs in one basket only to get ruined and destroyed.. Its horrible but its not the first time I met up with the wrong people.
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ANOTHER PROBLEM: FIRST LOVE AND EVERYONE ELSE:
Ive mentioned this in past blogs; The truth is; I never followed through with a relationship possibly when it was offered to me; Nor could I have; Nor could I TELL THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT MY SITUATION: because that information is in a denial repressed state from abuse. Thus; I would have had to talk about the abuse and I could not; I lost my voice in that time period and I just go silent. Because the other person Im interested in does not understand; I take offense to her; Also; Im using her as a last hope and outpost for my life… And alas; She makes fun of me when Im in this abuse silent state; Im simply shocked by this; This is not my friend; And this is some kind of sociopath.
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What did I really need at that time;
What I needed is to get out of the family system Im involved with at the time; get out of there and get help somewhere else; real help; therapists… Safe Houses; Safe people. Looking back; Now I know why I fell into television shows to hide at such a deep level; I was trying to hide from my present reality.
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What happened with First Love;
I never made it Asking Her Out! I never made it to asking her to see if she qualified me as a boyfriend. I never asked her out… I was around her; she did offer herself to me; but I kept declining; but that because it; triggering something else; the abuse areas that are closed off… I got mad at her because she was not safe because she had no depth or interest or knowledge or understanding of my situation; her indifference was beyond my belief… However; without telling her anything; And her pre judgments of the situation; I immediate shut down…
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The Most Important aspect of this for me is; I never started a relationship with her… Thats why there was no relationship. Whether she be a good person or bad; is kind of irrelevant; Its relevant but this fact is over ran by the fact no relationship ever existed because I never created a relationship; Thus; in a sense; altho Im getting out my feelings out about this situation; A real situation never existed between us.. There was no “ US”.
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My beginnings in life NO DEVELOPMENT.
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Whos fault is all of this; Well; I have to go back to the years of abuse and work through the abuse and get those years back so I own me.
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The funny things about the girl is; Whether she be a saint or a sociopath; It really doesn’t matter because I never lost anything; I never had her… I never went that far to sanction a relationship; from her point of view I ended up a guy hanging around and no more…
I cut the whole situation off before it ever started… I DID THAT… And I will pay for it…
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And I will continue to act out like this until this present day. Never getting involved; AVPD…
And I will not find the right people to have relationships; I will always find people that don’t understand me and I cant communicate with and have no depth. In fact; its a horror show who I actually date… It shows a man with no management of his own life.
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Now I would like to do something about that!
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What Kind of women do I want!
So; for the future; A women who understands sexual abuse who understands trauma and abandonment and mental disability from it. I was afraid of this because I didn’t want someone who would control me; instead I wanted to find someone broken like me that needed me to love them… I tried that it backfired because instead of finding a broken person; I found a sociopath who was defrauding me; who appeared to be liked a broken person but wasnt! OWELL! We cant win them all!!!
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So FIRST LOVE: I felt like This Important-Guy because this girl like me; She never did; She was just playing me. I never got over the more serious faked relational aspects.. Im now willing to see her as sick…
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She used me; she faked me out!
I don’t like the idea someone faked me out for that long without me knowing what was going on; It felt like I had been molested by a rapist against my will. Sickening… Sickening people… However; Im getting closer to attempting to let it go… Some part of me wants to continue to hang on to it; and Im working slowly on waking up to reality and getting out of that… I have to let it go; it wasnt real and a part of me doesn’t like that! And doesn’t want to accept that; and its that part of self Im working on…
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The reason I hve to get better concerning first love; I have to be able to see myself with someone new; other then first love…
I have to work through this and come out on the other end of things… New; trusting God; keep going. I have to see someone else that I love and like and want to be with; someone else. That is the work. See myself with someone new at the beach; at the camping swimming boating areas on the river.
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Im not over First Love; But a major part of me is; I see her as Sick! And thus; not my fault and has little to do with me; but Im not over all of it yet; and thats whats frustrating…
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Its like a fantasy part of me just has to hang on it. I also see it covering up sexual abuse; altho she will come at a later time in another city…
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LETTING GO OF MY FIRST FAKE BEST FRIEND:
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I thought for years he was my best friend; he was never my friend at all; Nothing; he was faking it; sociopath; just another spoiled sociopath playing me every time he saw me… Why do these monster allow someone like me around? Because they like the control; they like to manipulate people covertly where the innocent person does not know what is going on; They can a feeling of superiority and to them; it proves they are superior human beings… And thats all it was; Nothing; I was devastated after realizing what this guy and his family were really like….
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Heres the point of bringing him up; I have to imagine my younger life as if I had never met him; as if I never turned to him or spent time at his house; I have to imagine Im working at things to better my life instead… So; Id be going out and making things happen for myself. That means I would not have any memory of this guy or all the time I spent at his house. Instead it would have never existed and I would have spent time on myself and what I wanted to build for my life; Why is this important? Because I would like to become that guy now! That guy on his own building the kind of life he always wanted; meaning; learning how to build that life; learning how to participate in this life; build it.. No need for codependency; Ill work on it myself and Ill reach out to people for help myself…
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Im slowly getting their; getting back to some sanity… Its hard; Im so dissociative.. However; life sobriety is showing up.
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